TED | 将每日聚会变革创新的三个步骤
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将每日聚会变革创新的三个步骤
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Priya Parker
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社会 心理 经历 TED 演讲
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为什么有些聚会成功了，而有些却没有?作者普丽娅·帕克分享了三个简单的步骤，让你的聚会、晚餐、会议和假期变成有意义的、变革性的聚会。
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00:13
当我还是个孩子的时候，每个周五我都会离开我妈妈和继父的家——一个英国和印度结合的，不信神明的，信仰佛教的，不可知论的，素食主义的，有时还有些前卫的民主制度的家庭。然后我会走两公里多的路，去我爸爸和继母的家，进入一个白色的，福音派基督教的，保守的，共和党的，每周去两次教堂并且吃肉的家庭。不需要心理学家来解释我是如何进入冲突解决领域的。
00:54
无论我是在夏洛茨维尔，伊斯坦布尔，还是阿默达巴德促进人们的对话，面对的挑战永远是一样的：尽管有各种各样的困难，还要保持诚信，怎样让人们有意义的联系起来，去冒险，通过他们的经历做出改变呢？我会在这些房间里看到异常美丽的火花，然后我会离开这些房间，像你们一样去参加我每天的聚会，婚礼，会议或者是返校野餐，而且大多数会归于平淡。这些高度矛盾的群体和我的日常聚会之间，有一个明显的差距。你可能会说，在某人的生日会上肯定不会出现关于矛盾的对话，但那不是我要回应的。作为一个促进者，你被教导抛开所有的事情，专注于人与人之间的相互影响，然而每天，主持者都关注怎么把事情做好——食物，鲜花，餐刀——并且把人与人之间的交流很大程度上留给机遇。
02:03
所以我开始思考怎样才能改变我们日常的聚会，专注于通过人与人的联系来创造意义，而不是沉迷于开胃菜。我开始去采访一些勇敢的，与众不同的人——一位奥林匹克曲棍球教练，一位太阳马戏团的编舞者，一位犹太教士，一位营地顾问——去更好地了解是什么创造了有意义的甚至是改革性的聚会。我想与你们分享一些我今天学到的关于聚会的新规则。
02:35
当大多数人计划聚会的时候，他们从现成的方式开始。生日聚会？蛋糕和蜡烛。董事会议？一个棕色的桌子和十二个白人。
02:51
假设目的是显而易见的，我们都急匆匆的直奔目的。这不仅带来了沉闷的，千篇一律的聚会，还错过了更深层次的满足我们需求的机会。创造有意义的日常聚会的第一步是包含一个特定的有争议的目标。
03:13
我认识的一位准妈妈为产前派对感到担忧。“将尿布别在宝宝身上”的游戏和打开礼物的想法有些奇怪并且不扣主体。所以她停下来问：产前派对的目的是什么？我在这个时候的需求是什么？她意识到，这是为了消除她和她丈夫向父母转变的——记得这个家伙吗？——那种担心。于是她请她的两个好友在这个基础上组织一个聚会。在一个阳光明朗的下午，六个女人聚在一起。首先谈了谈她对分娩的恐惧——她很害怕——她们给她讲了一些她生活中的故事来提醒她她已经具备的一些特点——勇敢，能干，信仰，顺服——她们相信这些会带给她帮助，也会在分娩时帮助她。她们每说一个品质，就将一颗珠子串在项链上，这样她可以在产房里将项链戴在脖子上。
04:13
接着，她的丈夫进来，他们写下新的誓约，家庭誓约，并大声地读出来，首先承诺当他们的身份转变为父母时，要保持自己的婚姻的核心位置，但同时，他们还向未来的儿子期许，里面包含了他们希望儿子从两个家族继承的东西和到这一代为止不会再继续传下去的部分。接着，更多的朋友来参加晚宴，包括男士。取代礼物的是他们每个人都带来了他们儿时最好的记忆与大家分享。
04:41
现在你可能会觉得这对于产前派对有点小题大做了，或者有点奇怪，或者是过于亲密了。很好。这很具体。这是有争议的。这是为他们详细制定的，就像是你自己的聚会应该针对你自己的情况。
04:58
创造更加有意义的日常聚会的下一个步骤，是引起良好的争端。你可能跟我一样学到了，不要在餐桌上谈论性，政治或者宗教。这是一个好的规则，它保持了和谐，或者这就是它的意图。但是这剥夺了意义的核心要素，即热度，强烈的相关性。最好的聚会应该通过创造条件来学习培养良好的争端，不健康的和平和不健康的冲突同样威胁着人类的联系。我处理过一所建筑公司的案子，他们面临着艰难的抉择。他们必须弄清楚到底应该继续作为建筑公司致力于打造建筑，还是应该转型成为一家新型设计公司，也专注于空间建造之外的领域。大家的意见存在分歧，但是你并不知道，因为没有人开诚布公地说出来。于是我们主持了一场积极的辩论。在午休结束后，所有的建筑师们回到办公室，于是我们举办了一场铁笼赛。他们走进去，我们将一个建筑师带到一个角落代表建筑，另外一个代表设计。我们将白色毛巾挂在他们的脖子上，从浴室偷来的——抱歉——在ipad上播放“洛奇”配乐，给每个人一个像唐·金那样的经理，为他们加油鼓劲儿，并为他们准备辩论，接着让他们为各自未来的愿景提出最好的，可能的观点。常规的礼貌阻碍了他们的进程。接着我们让其他人在同事面前选择自己的立场。因为他们能够真正地展示他们的立场，他们打破了僵局。建筑（一方）赢了。
06:47
所以这是有效的。一场假设的，紧张的感恩节晚餐怎么样？有人要参加吗？
06:58
首先，询问目的。这个家庭在这一年需要什么？如果培养良好的热度是其中一个部分，那么试着用一个晚上的时间禁止发表言论，只要求听故事。选择一个与潜在矛盾相关的主题。但是不同于（表达）观点，让每一个人分享在场人没有听过的来自他们的生活和经历的故事，关于差异或者归属，或者某一次我改变主意（的故事），在不吵翻天的情况下，让人们相互接近。
07:35
最后，为了创造一个有意义的每日聚会，通过使用弹出式规则创造一个临时的可代替的世界。
07:47
几年前，我开始注意到邀请方会带着一系列的规则。有点无聊或者受到约束，对吧？错了。在这个多元化的，交互的社会里，我们中的大部分人是由与我们遵循着不同规矩的人们召集和抚养，我们不共享这些规矩，潜规则会造成麻烦，而弹出式规则能将我们有意义地联系在一起。它们是针对特定目的的一次性的体制。所以团队聚餐，不同代的人聚集在一起，并不共享相同的电话礼仪假设：谁先看自己的手机，谁买单。
08:30
试一试。
08:33
对于只有陌生人的创业咨询圈，主办方并不想要每个人只听一个风险资本家（的建议）——
08:41
大家露出了会心一笑——
08:44
你不能透漏你自己是做什么的。
08:48
至于一个妈妈聚会，你想要颠覆常态，改变那些聚会时母亲常谈论的话题，如果你提到了你的孩子，你需要干一杯。
09:02
这是一顿真正的晚餐。
09:05
规则是强大的，因为它们让我们临时改变和协调我们的行为。在不同的社会中，弹出式规则有着特殊的力量。它们让我们跨越差别，聚集起来，联系起来，共同创造意义而不用人人相同。
09:25
在我小时候，我通过变成“变色龙”来驾驭我的两个世界。如果有人在我妈妈家里打了个喷嚏，我会说：“保佑你。”在我父亲家，我则会说：“‘上帝保佑你。”为了保护自己，我将自己隐藏起来，就像我们中很多人那样。直到我长大并开始从事解决冲突的工作，我不再隐藏自己了。然后我意识到，对我来说，最好的聚会，让我们能和他人在一起，让别人看到我们是谁，也让我们认识别人。
10:03
我们聚集的方式很重要，因为我们怎样聚集在一起，我们就是怎样生活的。
10:11
谢谢。
The End
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00:13
When I was a child, every other Friday, I would leave my mother and stepfather's home -- an Indian and British, atheist, Buddhist, agnostic, vegetarian, new age-y sometimes, Democratic household. And I would go 1.4 miles to my father and stepmother's home and enter a white, Evangelical Christian, conservative, Republican, twice-a-week-churchgoing, meat-eating family. It doesn't take a shrink to explain how I ended up in the field of conflict resolution.
00:54
Whether I was facilitating dialogues in Charlottesville or Istanbul or Ahmedabad, the challenge was always the same: despite all odds, and with integrity, how do you get people to connect meaningfully, to take risks, to be changed by their experience? And I would witness extraordinarily beautiful electricity in those rooms. And then I would leave those rooms and attend my everyday gatherings like all of you -- a wedding or a conference or a back-to-school picnic -- and many would fall flat. There was a meaning gap between these high-intensity conflict groups and my everyday gatherings. Now, you could say, sure, somebody's birthday party isn't going to live up to a race dialogue, but that's not what I was responding to. As a facilitator, you're taught to strip everything away and focus on the interaction between people, whereas everyday hosts focus on getting the things right -- the food, the flowers, the fish knives -- and leave the interaction between people largely to chance.
02:03
So I began to wonder how we might change our everyday gatherings to focus on making meaning by human connection, not obsessing with the canapés. And I set out and interviewed dozens of brave and unusual hosts -- an Olympic hockey coach, a Cirque du Soleil choreographer, a rabbi, a camp counselor-- to better understand what creates meaningful and even transformative gatherings. And I want to share with you some of what I learned today about the new rules of gathering.
02:35
So when most people plan a gathering, they start with an off-the-rack format. Birthday party? Cake and candles. Board meeting? One brown table, 12 white men.
02:51
Assuming the purpose is obvious, we skip too quickly to form. This not only leads to dull and repetitive gatherings, it misses a deeper opportunity to actually address our needs. The first step of creating more meaningful everyday gatherings is to embrace a specific disputable purpose.
03:13
An expectant mother I know was dreading her baby shower. The idea of "pin the diaper on the baby" games and opening gifts felt odd and irrelevant. So she paused to ask: What is the purpose of a baby shower? What is my need at this moment? And she realized it was to address her fears of her and her husband's -- remember that guy? -- transition to parenthood. And so she asked two friends to invent a gathering based on that. And so on a sunny afternoon, six women gathered. And first, to address her fear of labor -- she was terrified -- they told her stories from her life to remind her of the characteristics she already carries -- bravery, wonder, faith, surrender -- that they believed would carry her and help her in labor as well. And as they spoke, they tied a bead for each quality into a necklace that she could wear around her neck in the delivery room.
04:13
Next, her husband came in, and they wrote new vows, family vows, and spoke them aloud, first committing to keep their marriage central as they transitioned to parenthood, but also future vows to their future son of what they wanted to carry with them from each of their family lines and what would stop with this generation. Then more friends came along, including men, for a dinner party. And in lieu of gifts, they each brought a favorite memory from their childhood to share with the table.
04:41
Now, you might be thinking this is a lot for a baby shower, or it's a little weird or it's a little intimate. Good. It's specific. It's disputable. It's specific to them, just as your gathering should be specific to you.
04:58
The next step of creating more meaningful everyday gatherings is to cause good controversy. You may have learned, as I did, never to talk about sex, politics or religion at the dinner table. It's a good rule in that it preserves harmony, or that's its intention. But it strips away a core ingredient of meaning, which is heat, burning relevance. The best gatherings learn to cultivate good controversy by creating the conditions for it, because human connection is as threatened by unhealthy peace as by unhealthy conflict. I was once working with an architecture firm, and they were at a crossroads. They had to figure out whether they wanted to continue to be an architecture firm and focus on the construction of buildings or pivot and become the hot new thing, a design firm, focusing on beyond the construction of spaces. And there was real disagreement in the room, but you wouldn't know, because no one was actually speaking up publicly. And so we hosted good controversy. After a lunch break, all the architects came back, and we hosted a cage match. They walked in, we took one architect, put him in one corner to represent architecture, the other one to represent design. We threw white towels around their necks, stolen from the bathroom -- sorry -- played Rocky music on an iPad, got each a Don King-like manager to rev them up and prepare them with counterarguments, and then basically made them each argue the best possible argument of each future vision. The norm of politeness was blocking their progress. And we then had everybody else physically choose a side in front of their colleagues. And because they were able to actually show where they stood, they broke an impasse. Architecture won.
06:47
So that's work. What about a hypothetical tense Thanksgiving dinner? Anyone?
06:58
So first, ask the purpose. What does this family need this year? If cultivating good heat is part of it, then try for a night banning opinions and asking for stories instead. Choose a theme related to the underlying conflict. But instead of opinions, ask everybody to share a story from their life and experience that nobody around the table has ever heard, to difference or to belonging or to a time I changed my mind, giving people a way in to each other without burning the house down.
07:35
And finally, to create more meaningful everyday gatherings, create a temporary alternative world through the use of pop-up rules.
07:47
A few years ago, I started noticing invitations coming with a set of rules. Kind of boring or controlling, right? Wrong. In this multicultural, intersectional society, where more of us are gathered and raised by people and with etiquette unlike our own, where we don't share the etiquette, unspoken norms are trouble, whereas pop-up rules allow us to connect meaningfully. They're one-time-only constitutions for a specific purpose. So a team dinner, where different generations are gathering and don't share the same assumptions of phone etiquette: whoever looks at their phone first foots the bill.
08:30
Try it.
08:33
For an entrepreneurial advice circle of just strangers, where the hosts don't want everybody to just listen to the one venture capitalist in the room --
08:41
knowing laugh --
08:44
you can't reveal what you do for a living.
08:48
For a mom's dinner, where you want to upend the norms of what women who also happen to be mothers talk about when they gather, if you talk about your kids, you have to take a shot.
09:02
That's a real dinner.
09:05
Rules are powerful, because they allow us to temporarily change and harmonize our behavior. And in diverse societies, pop-up rules carry special force. They allow us to gather across difference, to connect, to make meaning together without having to be the same.
09:25
When I was a child, I navigated my two worlds by becoming a chameleon. If somebody sneezed in my mother's home, I would say, "Bless you," in my father's, "God bless you." To protect myself, I hid, as so many of us do. And it wasn't until I grew up and through conflict work that I began to stop hiding. And I realized that gatherings for me, at their best, allow us to be among others, to be seen for who we are, and to see.
10:03
The way we gather matters because how we gather is how we live.
10:11
Thank you.
The End
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