中英双语美文48：我跟自己有个约会

I take myself on dates. I go to the movies alone. I wander museums alone. I eat meals alone (and yes, that means I resist all temptation to scroll through Instagram while waiting for my meal). I sit in coffee shops and journal alone. I take the train and go to new towns and walk around alone.

我跟自己去约会：我独自看电影，独自在博物馆闲逛，独自吃饭（是的，这是说在等待饭菜上来时，我抵制住所有刷Instagram的诱惑）。我坐在咖啡馆里，独自写着日志。我一个人乘火车，前往新的城镇，然后独自在那里四处走走玩玩。

I realize this may sound super dorky. You're probably thinking that I must be pretty weird and very lonely. Interestingly enough, I was way more lonely before I started spending time alone. The feeling like I needed to be around people all the time to take a deep breath -- that was loneliness. The feeling of complete anxiety and fear when a boyfriend broke up with me -- that was loneliness. But this? This is peace. This is fun. This is what self-esteem is built of. Here's how I learned to spend time alone.

我意识到也许这听起来超级蠢。你很可能会想，我肯定十分怪异、非常寂寞。有趣的是，我在开始独自生活前是更加孤单的。那种就像我需要一直跟别人待在一起才能做深呼吸的感觉，是孤单。男朋友跟我分手，那种极为焦虑恐慌的感受，是寂寞。但现在这种场景呢？这是平静，是趣味，是构建自信心的基础。以下是我学会独处的方法。

1. I just did it. And let go of trying to look "cool".

1. 我只是一个人独处，并不去想怎么尽量看起来酷。

2. Make a list of your favorite things. And don't wait for anyone.

2. 列出你最爱的事物，不要等任何人跟你一起去践行。

3. Schedule It. And don't cancel on yourself.

3. 计划时间，不要取消与自己的约会。

For the past year, I've been single by choice. Not by circumstance. Not because no one will ask me out or I can't find anyone eligible. It's hard for some people to believe that I am choosing not to date, and I often get weird looks and confused grunts from my old aunt and college friends alike. Why would someone voluntarily choose to stay single? To spend time alone? Aren't I missing out on life by not going on Tinder dates? What if The One is out there but I don't catch him ecause I'm too busy staying single?

过去一年中，我选择保持单身。这不是因为环境因素，不是因为没人约我出去或是我不能找到合适人选。有些人很难相信我选择不去约会。大姨和大学同学们老是对我投以怪异的眼神和不解地咕哝。为什么会有人愿意保持单身？愿意独自一人消磨时光？没有继续在Tinder（网络交友平台）上相亲的我，难道不是错过了生活（的乐趣）吗？要是我命中注定的另一半就在Tinder上，但我因为忙着保持单身而错过了他，那怎么办？

I'm not the slightest bit embarrassed to say out loud that I've been dating myself and it's been the most nurturing, sustainable, and non-anxiety inducing relationship I've ever had. There's no waiting to be texted back (or obsessing about if my text is too flirty, too needy, too wordy), and there's no feeling like another person just doesn't understand me.

大声说出我正和自己相约，一点也不让我尴尬，而且它是我所有的关系中最滋养人、最持久也最不会引发焦虑的。我不需要等待他人的回复（或是费神考虑我的短信是否太过轻浮、有求于人或是冗长啰嗦），另外我也不会再有那种就是有人无法明白我的感觉了。

That doesn't mean I don't plan on dating other people in future -- I definitely do. But I know now that the relationship I've built with myself is a model for the elationship I want to be in. I'm kind and patient and gentle and loving and orgiving of myself. I laugh at my mistakes and I let go of my errors. I am strong and ourageous. That's the kind of person I want to be with and the type of relationship I hope to be in.

这不意味着我将来不打算谈恋爱（我当然会谈啦）。可我如今明白，与自己建立的这种关系是我想要与另一半相处的模式。我友善、耐心、温柔、友爱又宽容。我对自己犯的错误一笑了之。我强大而勇敢。这便是我想要的对象，也是我希望同他建立起的恋爱关系。

I know now that I'm not going into the relationship as a half, I'm going in as a whole. So whether it works out or doesn't work out, deep down, I haven't lost anything. I'm still me. I'm still complete. I still have the friendship I've built with the me that I've grown to know and love over the past 23 years. That's the greatest relief I've ever known.

我现在知道了，我不会在恋爱关系中有所保留，而将会是全身心投入。因此无论这段关系是否有好的结果，在内心深处我都没有任何损失。我仍然是我自己，我仍然完好无损，我同自己建立起的友谊依旧存在，那是我在过去23年中渐渐了解并爱上的。这便是我所知的最大欣慰。