TED英文演讲：如何选择自己的另一半？
演说者：school of life
演说题目：如何选择自己的另一半?
明智的选择另一半，需要我们问自己：理论上哪种人让我们觉得没兴趣，哪种能让我们感兴趣。或许挣脱儿时的固有偏见，才能解放自己作为成年人的爱情。
https://v.qq.com/txp/iframe/player.html?width=500&height=375&auto=0&vid=p0898nntnsd
How do we choose the people we fall in love with?
我们要如何选择我们恋爱的对象
In the modern world,
在现今的社会里
under the ideology of 'Romanticism'
在浪漫主义下
you're meant above all, to Trust Your Feelings!
最重要的就是：相信你的感觉
Love is a mutual ecstasy
爱是彼此互相欣喜的
at finding a beautiful person,
当找到一个不管是外表还是内在都很美的人
inside and out, with the rare capacity, to make us happy.
并且她有独一无二的专长，都使我们快乐
The romantic attitude sounds warm and kind.
这个浪漫的想法听起来温暖而且和善
It's originators certainly imagined
第一个这样想的人肯定误以为
that it would bring to an end the sort of
这一切都终将变成
unhappy relationships
破碎的关系
that resulted from the old ways of finding a partner;
这个结果都来自于寻找伴侣的老方式
the arranged marriage!
安排好的婚姻
The only problem is that this call for us to trust our instincts
唯一的问题是要我们相信自己的直觉
has very often proved to be a disaster of its own.
却常常让自己陷入一场灾难
Respecting the special feelings we get around certain people
尊重对方带给我们的感觉
in night-clubs, or train stations; at parties or on websites
不管是在夜店、车站、派对还是网路上
and that romanticism so ably celebrated an art
浪漫的人总是能简单的找到其中的美来庆祝
appears not to have led us to be any happier in our unions
显现出了我们不可能再从彼此得到快乐了
The Medieval couple shackled into marriage by two royal courts
从前的伴侣被婚姻枷锁绑在一起
keen to preserve the sovereignty of a slice of ancestral land.
渴望着守护名存实亡的权利
Instinct has been little better than calculation
直觉还是比计算来的好点
in underwriting the quality of our love stories.
为了保证我们爱情故事的品质
There's another school of thought:
还有另外一方认为
this one influenced by psychotherapy
心理治疗中
which challenges the notion that trusting instinct
证实了这个＂相信直觉＂看法的引响力
invariably draws us to those who will make us happy.
老是吸引我们到那个使我们快乐的地方
That's because the theory points out
这个理论指出
that we don't fail in love first and foremost
我们不会相爱是首要与最重要的
with those who care for us in ideal ways
以理想方式去在意我们的人
We fall in love with those who care for us in familiar ways.
我们会爱上以相同方式表达关心我们的人
And there might be, a big difference.
这其中可能是有很大的差异
Adult love is modeled on a template of love
成年后的爱情就像模型上的样板
created in childhood.
在我们童年时就形成了
And is likely to be entwined with a range of
这好比缠绕一系列的
problematic attractions
吸引我们的麻烦
that militate in key ways
妨碍的关键跟大人一样
against our chances of growth and happiness, as adults.
在成长与快乐的机会之下
We may believe we are seeking happiness in love
我们可能会相信自己在爱中追求幸福
but what we are really after is familiarity
但我们真正追求的是熟悉感
We're looking to recreate within our adult relationships
我们想要在大人的关系里成现
the very feelings we knew so well in childhood
那些童年时的感觉
And which were rarely limited to just tenderness and care.
我们小时候体验的爱，没有局限于温柔与关心
The love many of us would've tasted early on
那么多种的爱我们可能都已尝过了
was confused with other perhaps more destructive dynamics
我们可能对感情上的事感到疑惑
Feelings of wanting to help an adult who is out of control
想要的感觉帮助那些无助的大人们
or of being deprived of a parent's warmth.
或者是没有感受过父母的温暖
Or scared of his/her anger
或是害怕父母的愤怒
or of not feeling secure enough to communicate our trickier wishes
因为觉得没有安全感不敢说出自己的玩笑或者愿望
How logical then, that we should as adults find ourselves
逻辑上或许我们长大就会找回自己了
rejecting certain candidates
拒绝掉不喜欢的
not because they're wrong for us
不是因为他们不适合我们
but because they're a little too right
而是因为他们太好了
In a sense of seeming somehow excessively balanced,
在某种意义上看起来过度的完美
mature, understanding
成熟的、宽容的
and reliable
并且值得信赖的
given that in our hearts such rightness feels foreign and unearned
我们心里觉得自己好像配不上
To choose our partners wisely,
聪明的选择伴侣
we need to tease out how certain compulsions to suffering
我们需要弄清如何肯定折磨的强迫力
may be playing themselves out in our feelings of attraction.
可能是要他们自己发现在我们吸引力的感受
A useful starting place is to ask ourselves
有个有用的开始是要问自己
perhaps in the company of a large sheet of paper, a pen and a free afternoon
也许在公司的一大张纸，一支笔，一个下午的自由时间
what sort of people in the abstract put us off and what kinds excite us.
是什么样的人把自己关在空洞里是什么样的事物使我们兴奋不已
To try to trace back qualities to the people who first loves us in childhood
试着回朔童年爱着我们那些人的特质
and to ask ourselves how much our impulses really
问问自己我们因为多少的冲动
are aligned with things that might make us happy
真的使所有事一致的感到快乐
We could stand to discover for example that slightly distant and sadistic people
我们可以站旁边发觉例如稍微疏远的人和凶神恶煞的人
do always more interesting to us than
总是对我们做出较有趣的事
the so-called 'nice' ones.
但所谓“好”
That should make us stop and think.
这应该是要让我们能停下来想一想。
Our honestly described reactions are legacies
我们诚实的描述是 反应遗流的痕迹
They are revealing underlying assumptions we've acquired
他们揭露我们已获得的暗含臆断
that what love for us can feel like.
什么样的爱对我们来说是可以感觉得到
We may start to get a clearer picture
我们可以清楚从图中发现
that our vision of what we're looking for in another person
我们在寻找人生中另一半时的憧憬
might not be in a specially good guide
不可能是一本专业指南手册
to our personal happiness.
给我们幸福。
Examining our emotional histories
审视着我们的情感历程
we learn that we can't just be attracted to anyone
我们知道，我们不会只被别人吸引
we're limited in the types we have
我们只局限于我们所拥有的类型
because of certain things that happened to us in our past.
因为事实就发生在我们的过去。
Even if we can't always radically shift these pattern
即使我们不可能彻底的改变这个模式
it's useful to know that we're carrying a ball and chain
简单来说，我们系着一颗球与链条
It can make us more careful of ourselves
它让我们更小心自己
when we feel overwhelmed by a certainty that we've met the one
当我们觉得被已遇上的事实给淹没时
after just a few minutes chatting at the bar.
短短几分钟后，在酒吧聊聊天。
Or when we're certain someone is just brawn or boring
或者当某些人只是膂力旺盛时或无聊时
even though objectively, they do have a lot going for them.
尽管客观上，他们确实有很多利于他们的条件
Ultimately, we stand to be liberated to love different people to our initial
最后我们最初的立场获得爱着不同的人的自由
types, when we find that the qualities we like
不管什么类型，当我们发现我们喜欢的特质
and the ones we very much fear
和那些我们非常恐惧的人
can be found in different constellations
可以在不同的星座找到
from those we encountered in the people who first thought us about affection
从我们那些遇见的人们中要先想过我们自己的虚伪
long ago, in a childhood we should strive to understand
很久以前，在童年的我们应该努力理解
and in many ways, free ourselves from.
在许多方面，让我们从中自由吧!!!
How do we choose the people we fall in love with?
我们要如何选择我们恋爱的对象
In the modern world,
在现今的社会里
under the ideology of 'Romanticism'
在浪漫主义下
you're meant above all, to Trust Your Feelings!
最重要的就是：相信你的感觉
Love is a mutual ecstasy
爱是彼此互相欣喜的
at finding a beautiful person,
当找到一个不管是外表还是内在都很美的人
inside and out, with the rare capacity, to make us happy.
并且她有独一无二的专长，都使我们快乐
The romantic attitude sounds warm and kind.
这个浪漫的想法听起来温暖而且和善
It's originators certainly imagined
第一个这样想的人肯定误以为
that it would bring to an end the sort of
这一切都终将变成
unhappy relationships
破碎的关系
that resulted from the old ways of finding a partner;
这个结果都来自于寻找伴侣的老方式
the arranged marriage!
安排好的婚姻
The only problem is that this call for us to trust our instincts
唯一的问题是要我们相信自己的直觉
has very often proved to be a disaster of its own.
却常常让自己陷入一场灾难
Respecting the special feelings we get around certain people
尊重对方带给我们的感觉
in night-clubs, or train stations; at parties or on websites
不管是在夜店、车站、派对还是网路上
and that romanticism so ably celebrated an art
浪漫的人总是能简单的找到其中的美来庆祝
appears not to have led us to be any happier in our unions
显现出了我们不可能再从彼此得到快乐了
The Medieval couple shackled into marriage by two royal courts
从前的伴侣被婚姻枷锁绑在一起
keen to preserve the sovereignty of a slice of ancestral land.
渴望着守护名存实亡的权利
Instinct has been little better than calculation
直觉还是比计算来的好点
in underwriting the quality of our love stories.
为了保证我们爱情故事的品质
There's another school of thought:
还有另外一方认为
this one influenced by psychotherapy
心理治疗中
which challenges the notion that trusting instinct
证实了这个＂相信直觉＂看法的引响力
invariably draws us to those who will make us happy.
老是吸引我们到那个使我们快乐的地方
That's because the theory points out
这个理论指出
that we don't fail in love first and foremost
我们不会相爱是首要与最重要的
with those who care for us in ideal ways
以理想方式去在意我们的人
We fall in love with those who care for us in familiar ways.
我们会爱上以相同方式表达关心我们的人
And there might be, a big difference.
这其中可能是有很大的差异
Adult love is modeled on a template of love
成年后的爱情就像模型上的样板
created in childhood.
在我们童年时就形成了
And is likely to be entwined with a range of
这好比缠绕一系列的
problematic attractions
吸引我们的麻烦
that militate in key ways
妨碍的关键跟大人一样
against our chances of growth and happiness, as adults.
在成长与快乐的机会之下
We may believe we are seeking happiness in love
我们可能会相信自己在爱中追求幸福
but what we are really after is familiarity
但我们真正追求的是熟悉感
We're looking to recreate within our adult relationships
我们想要在大人的关系里成现
the very feelings we knew so well in childhood
那些童年时的感觉
And which were rarely limited to just tenderness and care.
我们小时候体验的爱，没有局限于温柔与关心
The love many of us would've tasted early on
那么多种的爱我们可能都已尝过了
was confused with other perhaps more destructive dynamics
我们可能对感情上的事感到疑惑
Feelings of wanting to help an adult who is out of control
想要的感觉帮助那些无助的大人们
or of being deprived of a parent's warmth.
或者是没有感受过父母的温暖
Or scared of his/her anger
或是害怕父母的愤怒
or of not feeling secure enough to communicate our trickier wishes
因为觉得没有安全感不敢说出自己的玩笑或者愿望
How logical then, that we should as adults find ourselves
逻辑上或许我们长大就会找回自己了
rejecting certain candidates
拒绝掉不喜欢的
not because they're wrong for us
不是因为他们不适合我们
but because they're a little too right
而是因为他们太好了
In a sense of seeming somehow excessively balanced,
在某种意义上看起来过度的完美
mature, understanding
成熟的、宽容的
and reliable
并且值得信赖的
given that in our hearts such rightness feels foreign and unearned
我们心里觉得自己好像配不上
To choose our partners wisely,
聪明的选择伴侣
we need to tease out how certain compulsions to suffering
我们需要弄清如何肯定折磨的强迫力
may be playing themselves out in our feelings of attraction.
可能是要他们自己发现在我们吸引力的感受
A useful starting place is to ask ourselves
有个有用的开始是要问自己
perhaps in the company of a large sheet of paper, a pen and a free afternoon
也许在公司的一大张纸，一支笔，一个下午的自由时间
what sort of people in the abstract put us off and what kinds excite us.
是什么样的人把自己关在空洞里是什么样的事物使我们兴奋不已
To try to trace back qualities to the people who first loves us in childhood
试着回朔童年爱着我们那些人的特质
and to ask ourselves how much our impulses really
问问自己我们因为多少的冲动
are aligned with things that might make us happy
真的使所有事一致的感到快乐
We could stand to discover for example that slightly distant and sadistic people
我们可以站旁边发觉例如稍微疏远的人和凶神恶煞的人
do always more interesting to us than
总是对我们做出较有趣的事
the so-called 'nice' ones.
但所谓“好”
That should make us stop and think.
这应该是要让我们能停下来想一想。
Our honestly described reactions are legacies
我们诚实的描述是 反应遗流的痕迹
They are revealing underlying assumptions we've acquired
他们揭露我们已获得的暗含臆断
that what love for us can feel like.
什么样的爱对我们来说是可以感觉得到
We may start to get a clearer picture
我们可以清楚从图中发现
that our vision of what we're looking for in another person
我们在寻找人生中另一半时的憧憬
might not be in a specially good guide
不可能是一本专业指南手册
to our personal happiness.
给我们幸福。
Examining our emotional histories
审视着我们的情感历程
we learn that we can't just be attracted to anyone
我们知道，我们不会只被别人吸引
we're limited in the types we have
我们只局限于我们所拥有的类型
because of certain things that happened to us in our past.
因为事实就发生在我们的过去。
Even if we can't always radically shift these pattern
即使我们不可能彻底的改变这个模式
it's useful to know that we're carrying a ball and chain
简单来说，我们系着一颗球与链条
It can make us more careful of ourselves
它让我们更小心自己
when we feel overwhelmed by a certainty that we've met the one
当我们觉得被已遇上的事实给淹没时
after just a few minutes chatting at the bar.
短短几分钟后，在酒吧聊聊天。
Or when we're certain someone is just brawn or boring
或者当某些人只是膂力旺盛时或无聊时
even though objectively, they do have a lot going for them.
尽管客观上，他们确实有很多利于他们的条件
Ultimately, we stand to be liberated to love different people to our initial
最后我们最初的立场获得爱着不同的人的自由
types, when we find that the qualities we like
不管什么类型，当我们发现我们喜欢的特质
and the ones we very much fear
和那些我们非常恐惧的人
can be found in different constellations
可以在不同的星座找到
from those we encountered in the people who first thought us about affection
从我们那些遇见的人们中要先想过我们自己的虚伪
long ago, in a childhood we should strive to understand
很久以前，在童年的我们应该努力理解
and in many ways, free ourselves from.
在许多方面，让我们从中自由吧!!
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