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TED英文演讲：不要等结婚之后才发现自己爱错了人~
为什么有人会在结婚后，才绝望地发现自己爱错了人？为什么明明身边的人都认为你们不合适，你却仍要和对方在一起？演讲者Alexandra Redcay认为，恋爱中我们的大脑会暂时性失控，应该慎重考虑父母朋友的意见，才能找到更靠谱的另一半。如果你正在恋爱、或准备迎接一段新的感情、或正处于一段不确定的婚姻，希望这段视频能给你启发，让你学会如何正确的选择恋情。
演讲者：亚历克斯·雷凯（Alexandra Redcay）
助理教授，专家顾问，公司执行董事，在心理健康、药物滥用、儿童福利、青少年司法和教育系统方面有超过18年的实践管理和培训经验。https://v.qq.com/txp/iframe/player.html?width=500&height=375&auto=0&vid=q30372orrgs
TED双语字幕视频https://v.qq.com/txp/iframe/player.html?width=500&height=375&auto=0&vid=w0754es783v
TED演讲稿请大家闭上双眼。想象你正在谈恋爱。可能你已经在谈恋爱了，可能你期待着一场恋爱。那种感觉如何？
Your heart starts racing, your stomach gets all weird. You call up your best friend and say: Oh, my gosh, I think I just met the love of my life! In three weeks. We figured that out so quickly. We make these very quick decisions. All of our emotion comes rushing so quickly.你的心跳开始加速，胃口也变得奇怪。你给你的好友打电话说：“天哪，我觉得我刚刚遇见了我的人生挚爱”， “就在三周里”我们迅速地弄明白了我们的感情。迅速地做了这些决定。我们所有的情感都如此的汹涌澎湃。
But then, what happens down the road? We realize: What were we thinking? 50% of marriages fail. Why? Two of my very good friends called me within a week of each other and told me that their marriage of over ten years had failed. Now ,even though everyone else around them knew that they we rent making a good decision at the time.但是，一段时间后发生了什么？我们意识到我们当时到底在想什么？50%的婚姻以失败告终，为什么？我有两个很好的朋友在一周内相互给我打电话，告诉我他们十年的婚姻破裂了。即使周围所有认识他们的人都知道，他们那时并没有做出正确的决定。
You know, my best friend, her mother and I knew over ten years ago that the guy that she picked was kind of controlling. He was dismissive towards women, and he really wanted a woman that would stay home cook clean and have their child. And my friend was not at all interested in that.你知道，我最好的朋友，我和她妈妈在十年前就知道，她选的那个男人有点控制欲。他无视女性，他希望要的是一个乖乖待在家里洗衣、做饭、生儿育女的女人。而我的朋友对那些家务事一点都不感兴趣。
She was singing jazz in New York City. She was very happy to have that life. But that’s not what he was interested in. But somewhere along the way, she fell in love with him and so she sacrificed for the family. She sacrificed for what she thought was the right decision. And ten years down the road, she realized she didn’t recognize herself, and then she decided to leave.她当时在纽约唱爵士歌曲，对那样的生活感到非常开心，但他不喜欢。但从某一方面，她爱上他了，并为他们的家庭做出了牺牲。她为她认为正确的决定做出了牺牲。十年过去了，她意识到自己都认不出自己了，于是她决定离开。
A women asked me the other day, she was complaining, at 40,saying that there was no good men left. And she said that the only men that are out there are the Peter Pan guys. The men who, as she described, don’t want to grow up, that they don’t want to have kids, they don’t want to get married, they don’t want to settle down.还有位女士前几天问我，她四十岁了，向我抱怨说没有什么好男人了。她说唯一在她身边的男人都是彼得潘这种类型的。这些男人，据她描述都不想长大，他们不想有孩子，不想结婚，不想安定下来。
And she spent all her time and energy trying to un-Peter-Pan them. And she asked me what do I think. Why does this come about? Why can’t she find anybody? Why can’t she fix this situation?她花费了所有的时间和精力来试着让他们长大。然后她问我，我对此有何看法？为什么会发生这样的事？为什么她找不到意中人？为什么她扭转不了这个局面？
So I said to her: How honest do you want me to be? And she said, oh, yes, very honest! I’m really serious. I want to fix this problem .How do I do this? And I said, Well, I think you’re investing all your energy in people that are really happy. They’re totally fine. Why should they get married, have kids and settle down? They don’t want to, you do. So, the issue is your focus, the issue is your perspective.我问她：“你希望我的话有几成真？” 她说：“我要听大实话，说真的，我想解决这个问题，我该怎么做？”我说：“我觉得你把精力都投入到了那些觉得自己真的很开心的人身上。他们都感觉自己好极了。他们为什么要结婚生孩子安定下来？他们不想这样，是你想这样。所以问题在于你的关注点，在于你的角度。”
How are we selecting partners? And why are we trying to force them to change? Or, why are we ignoring who they are, or the red flags that are right in front of our face, right?我们该怎么挑选伴侣呢？我们为什么要试着强迫他们改变？或者，我们为什么忽视了他们的本性，忽视了我们眼前的危险信号？
I have women all the time, complaining in their 30s, 40s and 50s that they can’t find the man of their dreams or woman of their dreams. I have men complaining that they feel that they’re being overlooked because they are the good guy, the nice guy, the friend. And what they find is that people are dating the unavailable person: the player, the pathological liar, the person who’s already married.总有30多岁、40多岁、50多岁的女人向我抱怨她们找不到她们的梦中情郎或梦中姑娘。也有男人向我抱怨他们觉得自己被忽视了，就因为他们是好人、大好人、好朋友。他们发现，人们都在和不适合的人约会：花花公子、满嘴谎话的人以及有妇之夫。
So, we make all these decisions in our relationships, and we end up two three years down the road, ten years down the road, in despair. We struggle to try to find the relationship that we want, whether that leads to marriage or just to long term commitment. Why do we repeat this cycle over and over and over again?所以，我们在我们的情感中做了这些决定，然后在2年、3年后结束了那段感情，或者10年后在绝望中结束感情。我们奋力地寻找我们想要的感情，不管它是走向婚姻或仅仅是长期伴侣。我们为什么一次又一次地重复这个循环？
And the woman that asked me earlier that I had talked about that asked my advice about why this happens says: Oh,no! I don’t date the Peter Pan guys. I just see them out there. Well, except the last two relationships, I did date the Peter Pan guy. Ok, so, you do date them. So why do you choose them? She couldn’t really explain it. And then she just kept coming back and saying: No, no, I don’t really date them. Ok, except the last two.之前问我的那个女人，就是我刚刚说的问我意见“为什么这些事会发生的那个女人”说：“噢，我没有和那些彼得潘约会，我就是看到他们在那里。好吧，除了我最近的两段，他们是彼得潘式的。” “好吧，那么，你确实和他们约会了。那你为什么选择他们呢？”她并不能解释。然后她不停地把话题说回来，说：“不，不是，我没有真正和他们约会。除了最近的两个。”
So, she became really defensive in this conversation and was denying the truth that everyone else around her could see. The people that loved her the most, her friends, her family. So I asked myself, on the path of love, what happens? What do we do? It starts off beautiful, wonderful, perfect.所以，她对我们这次的谈话开始有防备心理了，并且否认她身边任何人都能看出的真相。就是最爱她的那些人、她的朋友、家人。所以我问我自己，在爱的道路上发生了什么？我们要做什么？它的开端都是美好、精彩、完美的。
You’re totally in love with this person in a very short period of time, right? And then, we see a red flag, but we ignore it. Because we say: No, no. It must be us. Were crazy. Were too picky. But the problem is that our friends and family see it too. And they are concerned. They may or may not say anything.你在非常短的时间里和这个人陷入爱河。然后，我们看到了危险信号，但我们忽视它了。因为我们会说，不会的，我们就应该在一起。我们都太疯狂、太挑剔了。但问题是我们的朋友和家人也能看到。他们很关心我们，他们可能会说或不会说什么。
And then, what is our response? We attack them. Well, you will never be happy if I am happy. I finally found someone I love and you can’t accept it. Well, you just don’t know him. He is different when we are alone. We tell ourselves this all the time. Then there is a combination of red flags. And we tell ourselves, well, all relationships take work. Which is true, but we tell ourselves this in a misguided way.但我们的回应是什么？我们攻击他们。“行行行，你就是见不惯我开心。我终于找到了我爱的人，但你却不接受他。你只是不了解他。当我两在一起时，他不是这样的。”我们总是这样告诉自己。然后还有一个危险信号的组合。我们告诉自己所有感情都需要付出努力。这句话是对的，但我们的自我暗示却是有误导性的。
So our friends and family express their concern and what do we do? We attack them. Were defensive. And then we begin to isolate from them. They try to intervene, and they say: Look, I am really concerned about this person that you’re dating. And I want you to think about that. I want you to try and pick someone else or just end it.所以我们的朋友和家人表达了他们的关心，但我们做了什么？我们攻击他们，我们有防备心理，然后开始远离他们。他们试着干涉，并说：“听着，我很关心和你约会的这个人。我希望你能多考虑考虑。我希望你能选别的人或结束你们的关系。”
And we may even admit to ourselves: Yeah, I probably should end it. I know this person isn’t good for me. But we don’t. So then, what happens is because family or friends or anyone in our life, colleges, co-workers, because they conflict with us, and they say: Look, there is a problem here. We feel embarrassed, we feel ashamed.我们甚至可能向自己承认：“是的，我可能应该结束这段感情。我知道这个人并不适合我。”但我们做不到。然后，发生的事就是因为我们的家人、朋友或生活中的其他人、同事、搭档，因为他们与我们的观念相冲突，他们说：“听着，现在这是一个问题。”我们感到尴尬，觉得羞耻。
And so, what do we do? We separate from them. So we don’t go to the friend’s house anymore because they’re always complaining. And then the family gets angry. Then they separate from you, they stop trying. And eventually, we realize too that we were wrong and they were right. And we hate it. It drives us nuts. Then we despair. And said: Are we ever going to find anybody?所以，我们做了什么？我们疏远了他们，不再去朋友家，因为他们总在发牢骚。家人也变得生气，他们也开始疏远你，不再管你。渐渐地，我们也意识到我们是错的，他们是对的。我们讨厌这种感觉，我们发狂了，然后绝望了，于是说到：“我们到底能不能找到正确的人？”
And we could have saved so much time and energy and despair if we would just listen to the people that are around us and not to be so defensive. So why do we repeat this cycle? Why do we repeat this? Because we do it all the time.我们本来不用浪费那么多的时间、精力和绝望情绪，如果我们当初听从了周围人的话，也不那么防备的话。我们为什么重复着这个循环？我们为什么重复这件事？因为我们总是这样做的。
Our brain, I think that the same part of our brain that controls addiction, controls our feelings of love. Because our feelings of love that intense connection that we feel with someone which is totally irrational. We don’t really know them, we don’t really have all those things in common. But we want to believe that we do. It’s just like being addicted to drugs or alcohol. It’s an addiction, it is.我们的大脑，我觉得我们大脑的同一部分掌管着上瘾这种感觉，它主宰我们爱的感觉。因为我们对爱的感觉就是与某人产生强烈的感情，这种情感是完全没有理性的。我们根本就不认识他们，我们也根本没有志同道合的东西。但我们想相信的就是我们的做法。就是像毒品或酒精上瘾一样，就如同是上瘾了，它就是。
And for whatever reason, were not wise enough to figure it out. We’re not wise enough. Because our emotion and our perception, our feelings of this love controls our brain, our mind. Our prefrontal cortex which is at the front of your brain. And the prefrontal cortex is the part of the brain. That’s rational, it makes rational decisions.不管出于何种原因，我们并没有明智到理清我们的感觉。我们不够明智。因为我们的感情、我们的感知、对爱的感觉控制了我们的大脑、思想。就是你脑部前方的前额皮质。前额皮质是脑部的一部分。它是理性的，它能做出理性的决定。
It tells the other parts of the brain, Knock it off. When you want to punch somebody and then you realize: Nope, that’s my boss. I can’t do that. That’s the prefrontal cortex telling you, Knock it off, ok?它告诉脑部的其他部分，不要这样做。当你想打某人一拳时，然后你意识到：“不行，他是我老板，我不能那样做。”那就是前额皮质在告诉你不要这样做。
But we don’t allow the prefrontal cortex to control our heart and our feelings of love. So that’s how we get in these situations. You know it could genetics, it could be role models, maybe we don’t know anyone that has a happy marriage or happy relationship, thing like that.但我们并不允许前额皮质来控制我们的心和我们对爱的感觉。所以这就是我们如何陷入那种局面的。可能由于基因，或是一些榜样，可能是我们不知道有谁拥有幸福的婚姻或美好的恋情，诸如此类的。
Some people have this idea that we are drawn to danger, right? Why do we date the person who we know is historically unfaithful and a liar? They tell us about their last partner, and they cheated on them, but somehow we still think that: Oh, they are going to be different with us. Meanwhile, the good person is there, the good guy who is honest, faithful, and trustworthy, loves you, but we ignore them.有些人的观念是，我们受危险所吸引。为什么我们和那些我们早就知道的不真诚的人或骗子约会？他们告诉我们，他们最后的恋人，并欺骗了他们。但我们还是莫名其妙地觉得他们对我们会是不一样的。同时，在你面前的好人就是爱着你，诚实、忠实和真实的那个好男人，我们却忽视了他们。
I have an example, don’t laugh. It’s the bachelorette. Has anyone paid attention to The Bachelor Show recently? Yes. Ok, one person, thank you. So Des, who is the bachelorette, is down to three guys. Two of which are madly in love with her, madly in love with her. They tell her, they’re affectionate, they write poems, and they sing songs, all this wonderful stuff. Who does she fall in love with? The guy that doesn’t love her. And he tells her, he breaks her heart. I don’t know what’s going to happen, there is only one show left.这里有个比方，请大家不要笑。就是单身女郎。有谁最近关注过单身汉这个综艺节目吗？好的，有一位，谢谢。德丝，是一名单身女郎，遇到了3个男人。其中有2个疯狂地迷恋着她，他们告诉她，他们如何对她着迷，写情诗，唱情歌，都是这类的美妙浪漫的事情。但她爱上谁了呢？那个不爱她的男人。他也告诉了她，伤透了她的心。我不知道将会发生什么，只剩下一集了。
But I think this is symbolic of life. We do this all the time. We see our friends making these decisions. Love rules our mind. It seems like we are addicted to drugs. Were obsessed. Were compulsive with this idea of love. We can’t sleep.但我觉得这就是生活的象征。我们总是这样做。我们看到我们的朋友做了这样的决定。爱统治着我们的思想。感觉就像我们对毒品上瘾了。我们着迷了。我们被强制着植入了这种爱的情感，我们夜不能睡。
Either we can’t eat or when we do eat it, that cheese burger, it tastes so delicious. Because now were in love, everything is amplified. This is my favorite quote here. It reminds me of the lady who wants to un-Peter-Pan the guys she dates.不管我们爱不爱吃那个起司汉堡，它尝起来都那么美味。因为当我们陷入爱河，任何感觉都被扩大了，这是我最喜欢的引言。它让我想起来了那位想让她约会的彼得潘长大的女士。
Never try to teach a pig to sing. It annoys the pig, and it waste your time. I am not saying that men are pigs, and if they were pigs, women are just as much pigs as they are. But why are we constantly trying to change people? We go into this relationship, and pigs can’t sing and yet, we keep trying to get them to sing, and it’s just, you know, it’s annoying and its waste your time.不要教猪唱歌。猪烦了，你的时间也浪费了。我没说那些男人是猪，就算他们是猪，那女人也和他们一样是猪了。我们为什么不断地想要改变别人？我们陷入了这段感情，猪不会唱歌，但我们一直试着让它唱歌，这就是你知道，这让人很烦躁，而且也浪费了你的时间。
Meanwhile, you’re in that relationship for two years, and you’ve wasted all that time. When really, there are so many opportunities out there for you. So, how do we fix this? Short lists, but hard. We have to open our heart to a real self-assessment.同时，这段感情你维持了2年，你浪费了这所有的时间。在这段时间里，本该有那么多的机会在你眼前。那我们该怎么扭转呢？清单很简单，但做起来很难。我们需要对一个真实的自我评估，敞开心扉。
The woman who asked for advice sat in a circle of all of her friends. We were just hanging out in the backyard having a barbeque. And she refused to listen to every single one of them who all said the same thing. We have to open up our heart to a self-assessment.向我问意见的那位女士，坐在她所有朋友的中间，我们只是在后院逛一逛、吃吃烧烤。她拒绝听我们每一个人的劝告，我们说的都是同一件事情。我们需要对自我评估，敞开我们的心扉。
What is going on with us? What are we doing to contribute to these relationships? What are we afraid? Do we think we are not worth it? Do we think we have to settle for this person? You have to get healthier, and on the path to being healthier. We have to get to know ourselves.我们到底怎么了？我们做了什么来巩固这些感情？我们害怕什么？我们有没有想过这么做值得吗？有没有想过是否应该这个人安定下来？你需要更加明智，并在通往明智的道路上。了解你自己。
I can’t tell you how many people say, Well, they go out on a date and they say: Oh, I hope that they’ll like me. I say: What? I hope you like them! Who cares if they like you? You need to assess this person to figure out if they’re a good fit for you.我不能说有多少人说他们出去约会，然后说：“噢，我希望他们会喜欢我。”我说：“什么？我希望是你喜欢他们！谁在乎他们喜不喜欢你？”你需要评价那个人来弄明白他们是否适合你。
If our entire focus in dating is I hope that they like me, no wonder we make bad decisions. And then you have the person who always says: Well, let me just put it out there. I’m just going to tell you everything that I’m looking for. I want this kind of person who does this and who is interested in this. Well, the unscrupulous person who just kind of wants to land you in bed is going to tell you all of that stuff that you’ve just told them.如果约会中我们整个焦点都在于：我希望他们喜欢我，那怪不得我们会做错误的决定了。然后还有人总是说：“好的，那我就打开天窗说亮话吧。我想告诉你什么是我想要的。我想要做这个工作的人，对这个感兴趣的人。”那些想把你弄上床的无耻之人就会告诉你，你刚刚告诉他的那些事情。
So, instead of putting everything out there and letting them become who you want, temporarily to get that they want. You need to take a step back and figure out what are the most important things for you. Think of three questions.所以，与把所有事情都敞开讲，让他们暂时变成你希望的那种人，以此达到他们的目的。你需要退一步理清对你来说，到底什么才最重要。想一下这三个问题。
If you really want to get married and have kids, and you’re 35, well, that should be one of the first questions you ask: Are you interested in getting married? I’m not saying to me, I’m not saying tomorrow, but is this in your plan? Because there are many people out there who say: No way. I am good. If I never get married, I’ll be happy. We have to be bolder. We have to know what we want and be stubborn only about the really important stuff.如果你真的很想结婚、生孩子，现在也35岁了，那么接下来就是你应该问的第一个问题了：“你对结婚感兴趣吗？我指的不是我，也不是指的明天，而是结婚是否在你的计划之中？”因为有很多人会说：“想都别想，我好的很。不结婚的话，我会很开心的。”我们需要更大胆。需要知道我们想要什么，并且只对真正重要的东西坚持自己的意见。
How about let’s be stubborn about honesty? And is the person honest? That’s what we want to be stubborn about. The foolish person seeks happiness in the distance. The wise person seeks it under the feet. We have to be happy with ourselves, we have to be happy with our presence. And happiness will come to us more.你们认为，坚决地找个诚实的人怎么样？这个人诚实吗？这是我们想要坚持的。愚者，求福于远方。智者，培植于脚下。我们需要对自己感到开心，我们需要对我们的存在感到开心。那么，我们会越来越开心。
If were miserable now, then well just become more and more miserable as we evaluate our lives. It’s about our perspective. Number one rule and a lot of people think this is crazy but I stand by it 100%.Your friends and family must meet your prospect. If you feel uncomfortable and pressured, and: Oh my gosh, they are going to think I’m crazy. Maybe that’s a problem.如果我们现在非常悲伤，那么我们会变得越来越悲伤，就如同我们评价我们的生活一样。这在于我们自己的视角。第一条法则，很多人认为这个很疯狂，但我百分百支持它。你的朋友和家人必须为你打探。如果你感觉不安和紧迫，说道：“我的天哪，他们肯定觉得我疯了。”可能那就是个问题。
You can stage a fake, a setup, like Oh, we just happened to go to this restaurant. And oh, look, there is my best friends. Oh, why don’t you join us for dinner? Because they will tell you if that person is good for you or not. But the problem is we have to listen to them and it has to happen early within three to five dates.你可以伪造一个场景，就是策划一下，比如“我们刚巧来了这家餐厅。噢看哪，那是我最好的朋友。你干脆和我们一起吃饭吧？”因为他们会告诉你那个人是否适合你。但问题是，我们应该听从他们的意见，并且一定要趁早，在3到5次约会时就请他们评价。
Why? Because that’s when we fall in love within the first three or five dates, that’s when were already hooked. We might not say it, we may not admit it, but we know it’s true. So we have to back that up and just get our first impression of somebody right from the beginning.为什么？因为那时我们会陷入爱河，就在3到5次约会里，那时我们就已经上钩了。我们可能不会说出来，不会承认，但我们知道这是真的。所以我们需要退一步，从一开始就得到对某人的第一印象。
And if they say, Run, then run. Run! If three out of five of your friends or two out of three say: Oh, I don’t know. I’m not feeling it. I’m not thinking they’re right for you. Run, run. Even if you think Oh, but they have so much potential and we have so much in common. No, just run.如果他们说，放手吧，那就放手，放手吧。如果你五分之三或三分之一的朋友说：“我不知道，我没什么感觉。我没觉得他们适合你。”那就放手吧，放手，即使你觉得他们还有那么多的潜力，你们如此志同道合。不要想，直接放手吧。
You have to trust your community because they are wiser. They are wiser than us when were in the midst of this. Get on going advice. Pick your mean friend. Your friend that’s so honest, you’re just like, Oh,I don’t want to ask her because I know she is going to say something bad. That’s the one you want to go to.你要相信你的社交圈，因为他们更理智。在我们身陷这些事中时，他们比我们更加理智。不断地得到建议，从那些说话一针见血的朋友口中。你的朋友都那么真诚，你就想着我不想听她的意见，因为我知道她不会说什么好听的。那就是你该去找的人。
Pay attention to red flags every day. And be brave enough to walk away early. Real love is possible. It is. The relationship that you’re in now can be better, too. Don’t get discourage, don’t get upset. Believe in your ability to analyze. Trust yourself, trust your gut, you can do it. Don’t be afraid to ask those questions. Don’t be intimidated.注意每天的危险信号。勇敢地早日抽身。真爱是有可能的，确实是这样。你现在的恋情，也可以变得更好。不要气馁，不要不安。要相信你的分析能力。相信自己，相信你的直觉，你能做到的。不要害怕咨询那些问题，不要感到恐惧。
If you’re intimidated to ask that really important question now, what do you think is going to happen in five years? Be brave, you can do it. Action conquers fear. The more we do it, the more comfortable we get with it. Miracles can happen, and you must believe love is possible.如果你现在对于问这些重要问题感到恐惧，当你从不问这些问题时，你觉得5年内会发生什么？要勇敢，你能做到的。行动克服恐惧。我们做的越多，着手时我们就更自在。奇迹是会降临的，你要相信真爱是有可能的。
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