恩恩语录『第五弹』
恩恩大元帅浅谈处决标准
娃按：微博有作家崔成浩，推特有元首金三恩恩。
推特上的朝鲜元首恩恩和推特上的环球时报进进老师差不多，英文都特别好。
但为了方便墙内的中文读者，我还是把金大大的英文推翻译成了当代汉语。
假期总算结束了。
贼拉讨厌家庭聚会，气氛总是不太融洽。
尤其是刚刚处决完一个叔叔。
I'm glad the holidays are finally over.
Family gatherings are always super awkward after I have one of my uncles executed.
我当众放了一屁，于是命令一位将军，必须承认是他放的。
随后他被处决了，我这人做事就是认真，从来不松松垮垮。
One time I farted in public, so I ordered one of my generals to say it was him.
Then I had him executed. I don't leave loose ends.
说100%的朝鲜人民都热爱我时，可不是在扯淡。
那些不喜欢我的人，都死掉了。
When I say 100% of my people love me, I'm telling the truth.
Everyone who doesn't like me is dead.
一不留神就把我的管家和候补管家都给处决了。
现在只能自己倒麦片。
这操蛋的生活。
I accidentally executed my butler AND my backup butler.
Now I have to pour my own Lucky Charms.
Fuck my life.
我并不直接处决犯人。
我只是在牢房里反复播放贾斯汀·比伯的歌，直到他们自相残杀。
I don't execute my prisoners.
I just play Justin Bieber in their cells until they kill themselves.
我请了一个公关团队。
他们建议说，如果停止随意处决人，公众会更加喜欢我。
我把这个公关团队都处决了。
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
在我们朝鲜，没有心脏病这一说。
没人能活得那么长。
导致死亡最重要的因素，是我。
We don't have a problem with heart disease in North Korea.
Nobody lives that long.
The leading cause of death is me.
我的讲话从来都会赢得观众起立鼓掌。
我是调动群众情绪的高手。
嗯......第一个停止鼓掌的人将被处决。
I always get a standing ovation.
I'm great at inspiring my people.
The first person to stop clapping gets shot.
北朝鲜死亡界的三大原因：
第三位：工伤事故；
第二位：疾病；
第一位：拒绝投票给我。
Top causes of death in North Korea:
3) industrial accidents
2) disease
1) not voting for me
下次票选已经安排好了。
麻烦二选一。
[X] 金正恩
[ ] 我乐意被处决
The ballots for the next election just came out:
"Choose one:
[X] Kim Jong-un
[ ] I want to be executed."
在南朝鲜，是人民推翻总统。
在北朝鲜，是元首清洗民众。
我更喜欢自己的方式。
In South Korea, the people get rid of the president.
In North Korea, the president gets rid of the people.
I like my way better.
每天不遗余力找坏事儿干，可还是没人鸟我。传说中的“坏事传千里”呢？
别再跟我抢头条了，特朗普先生！
I've been doing bad stuff everyday, but no one is paying attention to me.
Stop stealing all the headlines, Trump.
未完待续
To be continued