WELL HEART: This Is Why Your Child Misbehaves
By Rebecca A.
What is going on with our kids in their worst moments? Are they just naughty and intentionally trying to frustrate us and make us angry? Or is there a reason behind the whinging, the demanding, the helplessness, the annoying behaviours, the slamming doors and the backchat?
Positive discipline (and Adler, from whom this approach came from) would say ‘yes’. According to this approach, the primary goal of children is to feel a sense of belonging and significance. A child who feels they are lacking this will ‘misbehave’ out of a mistaken belief that they can only feel a sense of significance and belonging if they act a certain way. But unfortunately, in acting this way to have the need met, children usually experience the opposite of belonging and significance because of the response of the parent.
There is a saying that ‘a misbehaving
child is a discouraged child’, and thankfully, experts have cracked this code on our behalf, and now we have the ability to gain insight into our kids behaviour and help us reach into
our child’s heart.
According to the Positive Discipline approach, there are four mistaken beliefs that children will act out of, and they are outlined below in the mistaken goals chart. Your child may have one primary mistaken belief that they operate out of, or they may swing between all of them. Regardless, you can use this chart to help you in the moment to understand what is driving the child's behaviour and what they need from you to feel that sense of belonging and significance.
What’s interesting about this chart is that we don’t necessarily look at the behaviour of the child, but instead we focus on how it makes YOU feel, and how YOU react in response to their behaviour. This will give us the clues about what the mistaken belief of the child is.
Think about how you feel when the behaviour occurs, and look for it in the second column. For example, if you feel challenged and threatened by your child because they refuse to do something you want them to do, then it is likely that their mistaken goal is misguided power, or ‘to be the boss’. This child will enter into power struggles where they become increasingly defiant - ‘you can’t make me!’
The second part of figuring out your child’s mistaken belief is by looking at how you (as the adult) react in response to your feelings. Look at the third column in the chart, and you will see that if you are feeling challenged and threatened as a result of your child’s misbehaviour, and if you react by fighting back with the child, or by thinking ‘you can’t get away with this’ or ‘I will make you do what I want you to do’, then this is again another clue that the child's mistaken goal is 'misguided power'.
If the child then responds using the behaviour in the fourth column – by intensifying their behaviour, defiantly complies, feels smug and though they have won when the parent gets upset – and then later does something else which again shows they are trying to 'be the boss', then you can be sure that the child’s mistaken belief is that they will feel a sense of belonging and significance only if they are in control or if they are ‘the boss’.
Once you understand what the mistaken belief is behind the behaviour, you can use the chart to figure out how to respond in order to meet the needs of your child, in a way that WILL give them a sense of belonging and significance in a positive way that brings benefit to your relationship and to their sense of personal identity and self-worth.
These mistaken goals are the basis of the Positive Discipline approach, and if you are struggling with your child’s behaviour, then I encourage you to take a look at the chart, and see if you can figure out what is underlying their behaviour.
To gain more understanding about these beliefs and to have the opportunity to figure out your child’s mistaken goals, you can learn about them through practical activities and small group work with other parents at a Positive Discipline workshop. You will also be equipped with strategies and tips for dealing with situations and behaviours that arise in your family, and figure out how you can problem solve in order to make your home environment more harmonious.
We have a very special opportunity to have a one day Positive Discipline parenting workshop on 9th April 2019 with highly experienced lead trainer, Paulina Cuervas, who is flying in from the USA for several Positive Discipline workshops. This is a limited opportunity workshop, and one you don’t want to miss! Spaces are limited. Learn the theory, practice stepping into your child’s shoes, and problem-solve scenarios with other parents who are also going through similar struggles.
To find out more, message WellWomen with the words: Positive Discipline.
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