WELL PARENT | Help! My Kids Don’t Listen To Me!!

Registrations close TODAY for Parenting with Positive Discipline 6 Week Workshop Series in Sanlitun, Beijing. Keep reading for details.

The number one challenge I hear from parents who come to my workshops is that their kids don’t listen.

What exactly do parents mean when they complain about this behavior?

Well, either the child doesn’t obey the parent immediately, or they don’t obey the parent at all. Leading to a cycle of nagging, yelling and power struggles.

‘Get up’ ‘get dressed’ ‘stop playing’ ‘eat breakfast’ ‘get dressed!’ ‘brush your teeth’ ‘why aren’t you dressed yet!’ ‘set the table’ ‘pick up your socks’ ‘pack your bag’ and on and on.

It’s always really eye-opening for parents who are taking part in Positive Discipline workshops to step into the role of the child as part of an experiential activity.

When parents (acting as the child) are on the receiving end of constantly ‘being told what to do’, they say: ‘it was too many things I had to do, I just stopped listening’, ‘I tuned out’, ‘I am sick of being bossed around’, ‘I don’t have to think for myself because I am always told what to do’, ‘it makes me feel my parents are controlling and bossy’. They say that all the commands make them feel or want to be defiant, lazy, disobedient ('my parents can't make me'), resentful and unable to think or act for themselves. Does that sound like familar behaviour?

When parents stop telling their kids what to do and use alternatives instead that invite thought, autonomy, self-responsibility, experiencing natural consequences, confidence, independence, it reduces common struggles in your home.

One strategy for parents who want to use Positive Discipline in their homes is to encourage listening by checking for understanding, and to ‘stop telling your kids what to do’ as often.

If you’d like to try it yourself and see the effect it has on your child, here are some suggestions from Positive Discipline and Dr Laura Markham of Aha! Parenting.

1.     Get their full attention before talking – Often kids are just too involved in what they are doing to pay attention to what you say. Connect to them by commenting on what they are doing first. Get down to eye level and make eye contact. Use their name, touch them and make sure they are really paying attention to you before stating your request.

2.     Don’t repeat yourself – If you haven’t gotten a response, don’t keep repeating because it means you haven’t got their full attention. Go back to step 1.

3.     Check for understanding – ask them to repeat back to you what you want them to do.

Other options to use instead of telling include:

1.      Use curiosity questions that invite thought. Instead of telling, ask: ‘what do you need to do to be ready for the bus on time?’, ‘where do you hang your wet towel when you’ve finished with it?’

2. Use non-verbal language (e.g point at what you need done, or what they should do, hand them something you want them to take somewhere, put an arm around them and steer them gently to what they should be doing)

3.  Use less words (use one word – e.g. ‘bath’, ‘teeth’)

4. State what you will do and follow through (‘I will be leaving the house in 5 minutes to take you to the bus’ and then let them scramble to get ready behind you)

5. Show them what you want them to do (teach them and do it together) 

6. Invite them to do something (and understand and accept the answer could be no)

Just like you don't like to be ordered around, neither do our kids. The less you tell, the more they will cooperate. Foster an environment of respect, cooperation and autonomy and watch how your relationship changes!

This is just one small part of Positive Discipline.

There are more strategies and tools that you can combine with this one - because not every tool works for every child every time. The more tools you have in your tool box, the more equipped you will feel!

If you are interested to learn more or to take part in a Well Parent Parenting With Positive Discipline workshop series and journey and practice with other parents in a small accountability and problem-solving group, please DM me on WeChat ID: becstarnz

Registrations for our next 6 week in-person workshop series in Sanlitun, Beijing, close TODAY. 

Follow this account closely to find out when the next online and in-person workshop will take place.

If you’d like to join the workshop series, our Well Parent WeChat group, or if you have more questions, please contact me by scanning the QR code below.

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Originally from New Zealand, WellWomen co-founder Rebecca Archer considers herself a global citizen, and has lived in Australia, Canada, Nigeria and Indonesia and spent time in many more countries. She is just as at home paddling on the Delta Rivers in the Papua New Guinea jungle, as she is eating jianbing on the streets on Beijing. With a diverse background in media, marketing, events and education, Rebecca has written for the World Health Organization, BeijingKids magazine and various educational institutes in Beijing. Rebecca is a certified Positive Discipline Parent Educator and mom of 3 energetic kids, and offers Positive Discipline classes and online workshops to the expat community. The founder of the Clothing Auction Network, Rebecca is passionate about sustainable and ethical approaches to fashion and lifestyle.