贤某回忆录 The Memoirs of XianM （1）
不定期发布佛门女性纪实小说，欢迎投稿！
Unscheduled release of Buddhist female documentary novels，Contributions are welcome!
前言
Foreword
1. 2021年7月底得知贤书法师已经把《凤凰岭惊梦》这本书稿传得很火，觉得贤书法师太冲动，这样又会把我卷入舆论漩涡，被很多不明真相的人恶意攻击和骚扰，乃至恶意攻击和批判中国佛教，但同时又很理解他的心情，只是我自己实在没有时间精力，分身无术，所以就希望大家不要来打扰我，我个人的事情不需要别人操心，我现在真的没空，生活困难，自顾不暇。
1. At the end of July 2021, I learned that venerable Xianshu had already spread the manuscript of the book "The Nightmare at the Pheonix Mountain". I felt that he was too impulsive, because this will involve me again in the whirlpool of public opinion, and I would be again maliciously attacked and harassed by many people who don’t know the truth, even leading to malicious attacks and criticism on Chinese Buddhism. But at the same time, I understood his feelings very well. However, I really didn't have extra time and energy to do anything else except my own living and studying, so I hope people do not bother me. I don’t need others to worry about my personal affairs. I really don’t have enough time to take care of myself.
2. 近期拜读了高永顺老师、园持法师和陈星桥居士就学某事件的表态文章，感觉到既然这么多师长前辈大德们都在热心地关注着这件事，作为事件的关键人物之一，也是作为一个晚辈，一个虔诚的佛门弟子，我是不是也应该出来交代点什么了。在诸位师长前辈们的面前，还是应该要老实一点吧。
2. Recently, I have carefully read the articles about Xue by Gao Yongshun, venerable master Yuanchi and great lay practitioner Chen Xingqiao. I feel that since so many Buddhist teachers and seniors are enthusiastically paying attention to this matter, as one of the key figures in the event, also as a junior, a devout Buddhist, I should also come out and say something. In front of the seniors and teachers from the Buddhist world, I should show my honesty.
3. 2018年的时候，LQ寺的一些法师对我并不友好，因为他们说我一会儿这样、一会儿那样，看不清楚我到底是属于哪一边的，所以，不敢跟我站到一起。贤启法师很长时间都怀疑我是学某一伙的，对我更是不友好，心存戒备。实际上，我一直是一个人，没有与任何人结党，出家人慈悲为怀，我心里对任何人都没有敌意，我能理解每一个人的处境和背后的因缘，所以，我只是由衷地希望大家都能好好生活，希望每一个人都能获得安稳吉祥、自在安乐。
3. In 2018, many venerable of LQ Temple was not friendly to me because they felt that they couldn't see which side I belonged to, so they didn't dare to stand with me. In fact, I have always been alone and have not formed a party with anyone. Buddhist monastics should have great compassion. I have no hostility towards anyone in my heart. I can understand everyone’s situation and the causes and conditions behind it. Therefore, I just hope everyone is well, and everyone can be safe and blessed.
4. 2021年9月15日，拜读了陈星桥居士的文章，第二天（2021年9月16日）我正好意外地破解了一份秘密文件（这份文件曾在2018年6月带去LQ寺，有好几位技术专业的比丘法师先后来尝试过破解，都没有成功）。因缘如此，也许这个事情到现在确实应该有个交代了，所以，就想写几句话作为对各位老师和法师前辈们的回应，结果一口气写了近三万字，写成了回忆录。
4. On September 15, 2021, I read the article by Mr. Chen Xingqiao. The next day (September 16, 2021) I accidentally cracked a secret document (this document was taken to LQ Temple in 2018, and several A master bhikkhu who is a technical professional has tried to crack it one after another, but they have not succeeded), because of this, maybe this matter should have been explained by now, so I wanted to write a few sentences in response, and ended up writing nearly three in one breath. Wanzi was written as a memoir.
5. 每一个人都非常不容易。众生皆苦。希望读者能够放下成见，静下心来，通过我的文字去理解背后更多的因缘，消除彼此的对立和观过，多一些慈悲和包容。希望大家能够多从思想、制度、和平建设、和合共处、未来的发展等层面去讨论和思考现实的问题，而不是跟人对立、制造矛盾纠纷，互相伤害，给社会传递负面影响。每一个人，每一个生命，都在苦海中挣扎，都需要尊重、理解和关怀。从法律角度来说，哪怕是已经被判刑的罪犯，也是有人格尊严的，不能随意侮辱，不能进行恶意的人身攻击。
5. In my eyes, everyone is very difficult. All beings are suffering. I hope that readers can put aside their prejudices, calm down, understand the causes and conditions behind them through my words, eliminate opposition and observations, and be more compassionate and tolerant. Discuss and think about the real issues more from the ideological, system, and construction levels, instead of confronting people，creating conflicts，harming others, and passing negative influences on our society. Everyone is suffering and needs respect, understanding, and care. From the perspective of law, even criminals who have been sentenced have human dignity, and cannot be insulted at will, and cannot be maliciously attacked.
若有人介意，请提前告知。
In order to facilitate readers' understanding,
some photos may be included.
If anyone minds, please let me know in advance.
贤某回忆录：二零一八年的大事因缘
XianM's Memoirs:
The Cause and Destiny of the Great Event in 2018
贤某著
By XianM
温馨提示
Warm Tips：
请尊重作者劳动成果和知识产权，未经同意，不得擅自复制。如需转发，请联系编辑开通白名单。
Please respect intellectual property. If you need to copy or forward this book, please contact the editor for permission.
（一）
2018年夏季，我在LQ寺的时候，贤二就多次当着LQ寺多位比丘法师的面，对我说，贤某，我们觉得你很了不起，你很勇敢，很聪明，也很坚强，正是因为你的出现，才唤醒了我们这么多人，你要是不出现，我们一直都还被蒙在鼓里，死心塌地地为邪师卖命，是你唤醒了我们，我们很感激你，想要给你立传，把你写进《比丘尼传》，好不好？
In the summer of 2018, I was in LQ Temple. Xian Er had been in front of many monks in LQ Temple many times and said to me, “XianM, we think you are amazing, brave, smart, and strong. It is precisely because of your appearance that so many of us have been awakened. If you don’t appear, we have always been kept in the dark and devoted ourselves to the evil master. It was you who awakened us. We are very grateful to you. We want to write a biography for you and write you into the ‘Biography of Eminent Bhikshunis’, is that okay? ”
我听了这话，每次都是不置可否，没有表示，不以为然。
Every time when I heard this, I never gave any comment, didn't express any idea, and didn't take it seriously.
两年半之后，2020年12月，贤二突然给我发来了一份小说稿，书名叫做《凤凰岭惊梦》。我看完之后，感到非常惊讶，因为我完全没有想到后面还有那么多事情，更没有想到学某居然不知悔改，反而得寸进尺，还在继续自欺欺人，试图复出。虽然我们不了解不知道他到底是什么样的因缘，但不管怎么样，伤害了别人就是不对的。我也着实佩服贤二，他居然真的能够有这么大的毅力和勇气，坚持写下这么一本小说，把当年（2018）的事情都写出来。他说，看到那么多人继续被欺骗和迷惑，他想尽自己的一点能力，唤醒更多人。
Two and a half years later, in December 2020, Xian Er suddenly sent me a draft of a novel called "The Nightmare at the Phoenix Mountain". After reading it, I was very surprised, because I did not expect that there happened so many things later, and I did not expect that XM actually got an inch but demand a foot, and continued to deceive himself as well as others, trying to come back. We don’t know the real reasons and conditions for him to do the bad things before, but no matter what, it’s not right to hurt others. I also really admire Xian Er. He indeed had such great perseverance and courage to insist on writing such a novel and writing all the things of the year (2018). He said that seeing so many people continue to be deceived and deceive others, he wanted to do his best to awaken more people.
对于贤二的这份发心，当时的我很支持。因为读了他的那本小说之后，我也觉得确实有必要把真实的情况写出来，不然还会有更多人一直受骗，还继续助长学某的“邪恶”，也继续助长佛教界的腐败。我放下自己的事情，加班加点、日夜颠倒地把原稿全部翻译成了英文，因为觉得将来以中英双语发布会更好。同时我也咨询了好些个出版商。书稿并没有发给出版商，只是给他们简单介绍了大概内容。但他们都表示不考虑出版这个话题的书（可能是因为这种话题太敏感）。
At the time, I was very supportive of Xian Er's motivation. Because after reading his novel, I also felt that it is indeed necessary to write down the real situation, otherwise more people will continue to be deceived and continue to contribute to XM's evil and continue to contribute to the corruption of the Buddhist world. I put aside my own affairs, worked overtime, and translated all his manuscripts into English day and night because I think it will be better to publish in both Chinese and English in the future. At the same time, I also consulted several publishers. I did not send the full manuscripts to the publishers, only briefly introduced the main content to them. But they all said that they would not consider publishing books on this topic (probably because this topic is too sensitive).
后来，一个因为自己的亲人和朋友遭受过索甲仁波切（《西藏生死书》作者）的暴力虐待而非常同情宗教暴力受害者的居士朋友，很愿意帮忙。他对英文稿进行了校对，并积极帮忙寻找出版商。但因为伦理审查的问题，被耽搁了下来。根据出版伦理规则，这本书的内容是纪实事件，里面涉及到的都是真实的人，而且目前都还活着，大家都还需要继续生活下去，所以，关于他们的个人信息必须要征求他们各自本人的意见才行；涉及到的地名（比如凤凰岭）和单位（比如寺院等），目前也都还在运营中，所以，关于这些地区和单位的信息也是要征求他们的主管单位和管理人员同意才行，不然可能会因为对他们造成负面影响（声誉和经济等方面的损失）而构成侵权。如果不征求他们的同意，是不符合伦理规则的。
Later, a lay friend was willing to help. He sympathized with the victims of religious violence because his relatives and friends had been violently abused by Sogyal Rinpoche (the author of "Tibetan Book of Life and Death"). He helped me proofread the English manuscript and actively helps find publishers. But because of ethical issues, it was delayed. According to the rules of publishing ethics, the content of this book is a documentary event, and all people involved in it are real people, and they are still alive, and everyone needs to continue to live in the world. Therefore, personal information about them must be solicited from their own individuals’ opinions. The place names involved (such as the Phoenix Mountain) and institutions (such as temples, etc.) are currently still in operation. Therefore, the information about the competent departments and units in these areas must be approved by their managers, otherwise, it is possible to constitute infringement because of the negative impact on them (the loss of reputation and economy, etc.). Without asking for their consent, it is not in line with ethical rules.
贤二让我给这本书稿提意见。我就给他补充了一些比较重要的细节。后来觉得要补充和修改的东西太多，会影响这本小说的结构，贤二不太愿意做太多修改和补充，他就跟我商量，要保持《凤凰岭惊梦》原作的结构和风格，因为小说有小说的写法，情节要有吸引力、可读性，我可以另外再写一本《贤某回忆录》来补充其他细节，这样会比较好，因为两个作者的视角其实还是很不一样的，还有很多事情是贤二前期没有经历后面也不能理解的。而且我们两个人的想法和立场也有不一样。因为我还是坚持我自己的立场，不希望把事情搞得太极端，伤害太多无辜的人，而且我也不赞成好多人名地名都用真实名称，要修改成不太能让人看出来谁是谁才比较好，多照顾其他人的感受。
Xian Er asked me to comment on the draft of his novel. I just added some important details to him. Later, I felt that there were too many things that needed to add and modify, which would affect the structure of the novel. Xian Er was not willing to make too many modifications and additions, so he discussed with me to maintain the structure and style of the original draft because the novel should be in a novel style, the plot should be attractive and readable, but I can write another "Memoirs of Xian Cai" to add other details. This will be much better because the perspective of the two authors is very different. In the same way, there are many things that Xian Er did not experience in the early stage and could not understand afterward. And our two people's ideas and positions are also different. Because I still stick to my own position and don’t want to make things too extreme and hurt too many innocent people, and I don’t agree that many people’s names and places' names are all real names. I think it should be better to make readers not identify and label the real people in the event, and we should take care of other people's feelings.
虽然这么商量了，但我并没有马上写，而且也很不愿意写。局外人可能不理解为什么。因为我非常不愿意再提这些事情，也非常不愿意再去想那些事那些人。其实，当年的那些人，我后来基本上都没再联系，也没关注，全部都删除了。即便是贤二，虽然当时曾患难与共，后来是我唯一还留着微信的，但其实也不常联系。这就像走在路上的时候，不小心踩到了一堆屎，我恨不得赶紧把鞋底上的屎给擦掉，擦得干干净净的，如果实在擦不掉，我就会连鞋子都不要了，赶紧甩掉、离开。我内心里是一个非常单纯、清高和孤傲的人。好好的一个人，干嘛要跟一堆屎纠缠不清呢？你也不需要考虑要带走那堆屎，因为在狗狗们的眼里，它是一顿稀有难得的美味佳肴，而在小草和花儿种子的眼里，它是滋养生命的高级营养剂。至于法律判决，随便，爱判不判。法律只是一个统治工具，用于缓解社会矛盾，维护社会治安而已。法律是道德的底线。如果老盯着法律，那说明自己没有在道德上修行。我好好修行，好好持守道德，好好走自己的路，过自己的生活，自己做了什么，自己心里清楚，不需要在乎别人认不认可。
Although we had achieved the agreement, I didn't write it right away, and I was very reluctant to write it. Outsiders may not understand why. Because I am very reluctant to mention these things, and I feel uncomfortable thinking about those things and those people. In fact, I basically did not contact those people back then, nor did I pay attention to them, and I deleted the contacts of all of them. Even Xian Er, although we ever shared hardships together during that time, and later he was the only one whose WeChat I still kept, in fact, I didn't contact him often. It’s like walking on a road and accidentally stepped on a pile of shit. I can’t wait to wipe the shit off my shoes and wipe them clean. If I can’t wipe them off, I would even throw away my shoes, just quickly shake off and leave. In my heart, I am a very simple, noble, and aloof person. A good person, why bother with a bunch of shit? You don't need to think about taking away that pile of shit, because in the eyes of dogs, it is a rare delicacy, and in the eyes of grass and flower seeds, it is an advanced nutrient that nourishes life. As for legal judgments, whatever, I don’t care. Law is only a ruling tool, used to alleviate social conflicts and maintain social order. Law is the bottom line of morality. If you keep staring at the law, it means that you are not practicing morally. I practice hard, stick to morals, walk my own way, live my own life, and what I have done, I know clearly in my heart, I don't need to care whether others accept it or not.
所以，如果不是贤二给我发的这份书稿，我都快想不起来当年的事情了。这个非常现实。因为看了贤二的书稿之后，我又去关注了一下当年的事情，看到有人提起原LQ寺翻译中心的主管法师，用WG两个字母代替，我想了半天也想不起来这位法师的法名到底是哪两个字，我想这位法师的法名的拼音首字母应该是“W”和“G”，但实在是想不起来到底是哪两个字，也想不起来是个什么人，长什么样子了。事情才过去两年多，我竟然就已经忘记了这么多了，由此可见，我有多么想忘掉这件事情；也可能是因为我本来在那两个寺院住的时间就不长，在两个寺院居住的时间前前后后加起来的总和也不过一年半，只是我人生中很短的一段经历，而现在离当年的事情已经又过去了五六年了，就更加遥远了，想起来也恍如隔世；又或者说，这种事情压根就不会成为我所关注的重点。在我的思想里，大丈夫拿得起、放得下，愿赌服输，遇到挫折没什么大不了，一旦确定是走错了路，那就赶紧走回来好了，没什么可执著的，也没什么放不下的，更没必要念念不忘地执着一些已经过去的没啥正能量的东西。我不像贤二，他在那一个地方就老老实实地住了十年，全心全意地在那里，所以，不容易放得下；更不像二贤，他们在那里兢兢业业、忠心耿耿地奋斗了将近二十年，自然是更加难以释怀。我印象中，其他人，无论男女，基本上都是要求在寺院常住很长时间，才能被批准出家。像我这样只住了很短时间就出家的，很少。可能他们是觉得我是从小就跟着祖辈学佛、年少就发心出家的，应该会很好管理，但恰恰相反，我好像是最不好管理的，因为我所学到的真正的佛法不是他们那样的，这个对比和冲突实在太强烈了。
So, if Xian Er did not send this manuscript to me, I would hardly remember what happened back then. This is very realistic. Because after reading Xian Er's manuscript, I tried to pay attention to the events of the year (2018) and saw that someone mentioned the master who was in charge of the original LQ Temple Translation Center but replaced his name with the two letters 'WG'. I couldn't remember this master after thinking about it for a long time. What is the meaning of the two characters represented in his Dharmaname? I think the first letter of the spelling of this master’s Dharma name should be "W" and "G". But I cannot remember what kind of person does him looks like. It has only been more than two years ago, but I have forgotten so much. This shows how much I want to forget about this matter; it may also because I did not live in those two monasteries (LQ temple and JL temple) for a long time. The total time I spent in the two monasteries is only one and a half years. It's just a very short experience in my life, and now it has been five or six years since the things of the year happened (2016), so it is even more distant from me. And when I recalled it, It’s just like a world away from the past life. In other words, this kind of thing won't be the focus of my attention at all. In my mind, a true man can afford it and let it go. I am willing to admit my failure for a bet. It is not a big deal to encounter setbacks. Once it is determined that I have gone the wrong way, I should go back quickly. There is nothing to attach to, and nothing cannot be let go. Yes, there is no need to be obsessed with something that has passed without positive energy. I’m not like Xian Er, who lived there for ten years and stayed there wholeheartedly, so it’s not easy for him to let it go. I am also not like Er Xian. They two monks worked hard and loyally fought for the LQ monastery for nearly twenty years, it is naturally more difficult for them to let it go. In my expression, others, both men and women, basically were required to stay in the monastery for a long time before they can be approved to be a monk or nun. Very few people like me who lived there only for a short time and then were approved to be a monk or nun. Maybe they think that I have studied Buddhism with my grandma since I was a child, so I should be easy to manage and control, but on the contrary, I seem to be the most difficult to manage, because the real Buddhism I have learned is not like theirs. This contrast and conflict are really strong.
出于对贤二这份书稿的尊重和支持，我再次去回忆和关注这件事情，并且也让我想到：如果我再不把这件事情写下来，可能时间再长一点之后，我就更加难以还原事实真相的具体细节了。所以，我要珍惜时间，尽早动笔。然后就把以前的日记、邮件、汇报、短信记录和录音等等，都找出来看。看了一遍，就又不想写了。人生无常，在这么困难的时期里，经历疫情、水灾、火灾、国际动荡……。现在大家还都活着，已经是很不容易了。劫后余生，唯有感恩。每一个人都很不容易。在人类生死的战场上，我们每一个人都是同一条线上的战友。
Out of respect and support for Xian Er's manuscript, I once again recalled and paid attention to this matter, and it also made me think: If I don't write down this matter again, it may become more difficult for me after a longer time to restore the specific details of the truth. Therefore, I must cherish time and write it down as soon as possible. Then I find out the previous diaries, emails, reports, SMS records, and recordings, etc. After reading them again, I didn't want to write it anymore. Life is impermanent. In such a difficult period, it is not easy to experience epidemics, floods, fires, international turmoil... Now, everyone is still alive, which is a great luck. Survive a big disaster, I only feel grateful. It is not easy for everyone. On the battlefield of human life and death, each of us is a comrade-in-arms on the same line.
虽然与贤二很少联系，但每次贤二联系我，就是给我发信息说他们又怎么怎么样了，我每次收到都很受刺激，倒不是因为他们过得好而不高兴，完全不是，而是那些人那些事与我受过的伤害紧密相连，一提起来，还是会刺激。这样子，非常影响我的正常生活。在我一个人独自奋斗的那么长时间里，没有任何人帮忙，受到来自上上下下方方面的身心伤害太严重，至今时不时头疼发作，经不起刺激。有些人、有些地方，他们的名字，在我这里都不能提，提起来就刺激，确实需要避开干扰，专心静修和学习。
Although I rarely contact Xian Er, every time Xian Ercontacts me, he just sent me a message saying what was going on with them. I was stimulated every time I received it. It's not that I felt upset because they were doing well. No, Not at all. But those people and things are closely related to the hurt I have suffered, and when it comes to it, it is still irritating. This way, it truly affected my normal life very much. For a long time I struggled alone during the past time, without any help, I suffered too much physical and mental damage from various sides. Today, I have headaches from time to time and I can't withstand the irritation. Some people, some places, their names can't be mentioned to me. They are just irritating when someone mentions them to me. I really need to avoid interference and concentrate on meditation and study.
贤二说要把《凤凰岭惊梦》公开，我觉得时机还不成熟，不能盲干，再等等看。我认为这个事情不是不能做，而是要做得合理合法合情，做得名正言顺，要看准合适的时机因缘才行。所以，我不同意仓促草率地公开。刚开始他还忍耐着尊重我的意见。后来他说，不管我同意不同意，他还是决定要公开了，因为他觉得学某集团做得太过分了，不能再让他们继续做坏事，已经忍无可忍了。并且隔一段时间就发个信息来告诉我说他们怎么怎么过分。我心想，子曾经告诉我们：“小不忍，则乱大谋”，你没读过书吗，这点道理都不懂吗，你老盯着他们干嘛呢，你管他们干什么呢，你自己好好努力，做好自己的事情就行了，没必要去看别人，每个人只能对自己负责。
Xian Er said he wanted to make public his novel. I thought the time was still immature and we must not do it blindly. We need to wait and see. I think this is not that we cannot do this, but that it must be done reasonably, legally, and logically, and it must be done at the right time. Therefore, I do not agree with hasty disclosure. At first, he patiently respected my opinion. Later, he said, whether I agree or not, he still decided to make it public because he felt that the XM’s group had done too many bad things and Xian Er could no longer allow them to continue to do bad things because he think it was already intolerable. And from time to time, he sent messages to tell me how they went too far. I thought to myself, Confucius once told us: “Lack of forbearance in small matters upsets great plans.” Have you never read Confucius? Don't you understand this small truth? Why are you always staring at them? What do you care about them? You Just work hard and do your own thing. There is no need to look at others. Everyone can only be responsible for themselves.
在我看来，这不是忍。如果生生地强忍，是很痛苦的。我心里没有这种忍，而是觉得实在不想去搭理，没有必要去搭理，要努力过好自己的生活。规则都是为君子设立的，对流氓不适用，没必要因为一时不小心遇到了流氓，自己也变成流氓一样纠缠不清。想想我们自己，对国家对社会对人民对佛教都没有做出什么贡献，也不好因为自己的个人私事去要求什么，浪费国家资源，污染公共视听，给社会制造负能量，而且还给外面虎视眈眈的人制造搞分裂和破坏的机会。官方怎么处理，自有官方的考虑，我们既然管不了那么多，就尽量不给他们添乱，老老实实、安分守己地做个普通老百姓就好。我自己是这么想，也这么劝贤二，但是贤二还是觉得不能忍，他觉得自己有很大的责任。这样的次数多了之后，我觉得实在经受不了贤二这样时不时就来刺激我，影响我的身心健康，我就把贤二也删除了。只要他不再来这样骚扰我，我就能专心学习，专心过自己的生活，做一些更有意义的事情。
In my opinion, this is not forbearance. It is very painful if you force yourself to endure it. I don't have this kind of forbearance in my heart but feel that I really don't want to care about that, there is no need to care about that, and I have to work hard to live my own life. The rules are all set up for gentlemen, not applicable to hooligans. There is no need to be entangled as a hooligan by accidentally encountering a hooligan. Think about ourselves. We don’t make any contribution to the country, society, people, or to Buddhism. It’s not good to take our own personal affairs to bother others, wasting national resources, polluting public audio-visual, creating negative energy for society, and creating opportunities for outsiders to make division and destruction. How the government handles it, it has its own official considerations. Since we can't manage that much, we should try not to cause chaos to them, and just be ordinary citizens honestly and calmly. I thought so myself, and I tried to persuade Xian Er this way, but he still felt unbearable. He thought he had great responsibility for this matter. After several times, I felt that I couldn't stand Xian Er who would stimulate me from time to time, so I removed Xian Er from my contact list, too. As long as he doesn't come to harass me like this, I can concentrate on my studying, concentrate on living my life, and do something more meaningful.
贤某回忆录：二零一八年的大事因缘
XianCai's Memoirs:
The Cause and Destiny of the Great Event in 2018
第一回到此结束，感谢您的阅读。
This concludes the first chapter of this book.
Thank you for reading.
个人时间精力非常有限，下回更新时间待定。
The next chapter will be updated according to the situation.
建议耐心看完全部内容之后，再做评判。
It is recommended to read the complete book patiently before making judgments.
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