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"I read what seduces me, I write what perverts me. "
- Heather Cai -
---"Love Mysteries", Shanghai, 2018.10 | 《爱的神秘》摄于上海
This is a 20-mins speech I did on Christmas Day. It is shared in three layers
这是一个20分钟的圣诞演讲。分3层内容与大家分享。
Part 3 The Doubt and Belief of True love
---"Love Bell", Sri Lanka, 2015.3 | 《爱的钟声》摄于斯里兰卡During the five working years, I met a Belgium poet online. We exchanged hot messages on the dating site. Before long, we exchanged hot emails with one subject: “My Future Wife”. This dynamic heat didn’t change until one day he suddenly booked a flight ticket and a hotel room near my workplace in Shenzhen. What should I do? He asked for my phone number, I didn’t respond. I was cowardly or just not brave enough to meet him in person. On his arrival night, I cried to sneak into the office to watch a film: The Artist. When the film almost stopped my tears, I was caught by the boss. When he left, I cried more helplessly. My heart urged me, “Yes, go! You can see him.” But my brain dragged me back, “No, stay! You cannot see him.” Days passed like hell. I never heard from him again.工作的那五年里，我网恋了一位比利时诗人。在dating网站，我们一拍即合。不久，我们转至email继续聊得热火朝天，仅用一个邮件主题：“我未来的妻子”。这股激烈的火力持续到有一天他突然订了机票和酒店，就在我深圳上班附近。我该怎么办？他问我要电话号码，我没能回应。我很懦弱，就是不敢去见他。在他抵达的那个夜晚，我哭着溜进办公室看了一部电影：“艺术家”。当电影几乎让我忘了哭，我被老板逮住了。他离开后，我哭得更无助了。我的心一直催促我：“行！去吧！你可以见他”。但我的大脑又把我硬拉回来：“不行！别去！你不可以见他“。日子一天天过去。我再也没有他的消息。
---"The Artist" Film Poster | 《艺术家》电影海报But two years later, I did venture to meet an English gentleman who ran a shoe company in Dongguan. He was humorous, stylish, caring and rich. We stayed in a luxury suite with a king-size bed and an enormous window that overlooked a beautiful lagoon. Most amazingly, he called the hotel service to deliver a luxurious breakfast that came with layers and layers of food and drinks. The whole morning we just enjoyed the food in bed, relaxed and made love. Then, only then, when we walked on the street hand in hand, I felt something was missing. It was his height. He was a bit too short to cover the sky at the right angle that would make me feel safe. I know, this sounds ridiculous. But I said no.但两年后，我的确冒险去见了一位英国绅士。他在东莞经营一家鞋公司。他人时尚、幽默、体贴，还有钱。我们呆在一个豪华套间。有一张特大床和一扇特大窗户。可以俯瞰一个美丽的泻湖。最令人惊讶的是，他叫酒店服务送来一顿豪华早餐。层层叠叠的食物和饮料，琳琅满目。整个上午，我们在床上享受美食，放松心情和做爱。直到我们手拉手走在街上的那一刻，就那一刻，我感觉少了点什么。是他的身高。每当我侧脸看他的时候，在那个特定的角度他好像就是遮不住那块天空给我安全感。我知道，这听起来很荒谬。但我拒绝了。
---"The Awkward Little Self", Sri Lanka, 2015.3 | 《小我别扭》摄于斯里兰卡After moving to Shanghai, this year, I met an English photographer through Tinder. He talked to me so positively and so sweetly that his words almost made me fall in love with him at the first chat. Although I often feel uncomfortable with video calls, I was comfortable to have three long video chats with him. Through these three productive conversations, he answered all my questions exactly as I wanted to hear. Nothing could be more tempting. When he said that he liked white silk underwear, I spent days on Taobao searching for white silk underwear that I had never worn before. When he criticized my underwear style being too auntie-like, I spent more days searching for something like G-strings or T-back. Now my drawer is stuffed with all types of underwear. Everything seemed full and complete. He was so perfect he almost made me believe in superstition that 2019 is the luckiest year of my life.搬到上海后，今年我在Tinder上认识了一位英国摄影师。他交谈语言如此积极温柔，让我第一次聊天就差点爱上他。虽然我不习惯视频，但和他进行了三次长视频聊天都没有让我觉得不舒服。通过这三次有效的沟通，他回答了所有的问题几乎都是我想听的。没有什么比这更诱人了。当他说他喜欢白色丝绸内裤时，我花了几天时间在淘宝上搜索我从未穿过的白色丝绸内裤。当他评论我的内裤风格像大妈，我花了更多时间淘各种丁字裤。现在我抽屉里塞满满的都是内裤。一切显得那么充实而完整。他是如此完美，让我差点相信迷信：2019年是我最幸运的一年。
---"Love and Hate", Shanghai, 2019.10 | 《爱与恨》摄于上海But he was unreliable. Last time, we had this pinky swear to date on a Sunday or Monday. He disappeared on both days. When he showed on Tuesday, he asked me to meet on Wednesday. I couldn’t but tell him, “Unreliable you go fuck yourself!”.可他不靠谱。上次我们拉勾勾定星期天或星期一约会。他这两天都玩失踪。星期二他出现，约我星期三见面。我不得不告诉他，“不可靠的你去你的！”
---"Love Falling", Shenzhen, 2017.3 | 《爱陨落》摄于深圳It hurt, when I said that. After him, I added a description of my husband-to-be on Tinder. The funny thing is, before I had over 100 matches; after that, I had zero. Is that scary?说那一句话的时候，我心痛。在他之后，我在Tinder上加了一段对未来老公的描述。有趣的是，之前我有一百多个匹配对象；现在一个零蛋。真辣么吓人吗？
---"A Description of My Husband-to-be", Shanghai, 2019.11 | 《一段对未来老公的描述》This makes me feel like a little yellow flower that has no petals. What kind of man would like to pick that flower, and what kind of man should I choose to pick? If I seek an ideal man with big eyes, would he actually turn out to have small eyes? Of all the bizarre things I’ve experienced, love is the most hatefully intriguing. Why is finding true love so difficult? Is perfection the problem? Are we being too hideous or too picky? Or are we just not going out often enough? 这让我感觉自己是一朵无瓣的小黄花。什么样的男人愿意摘那朵花？我又应该选择什么样的男人去摘？如果我找一个理想中的大眼郎，现实中的他会是眯眯眼吗？在我所有的怪诞经历中，爱情是最令人讨厌也是最耐人寻味的。为什么寻找真爱这么难？追求完美是问题吗？我们是太丑了还是太挑剔了？还是我们要多出门？
---"The Petalless Little Yellow Flower", Sri Lanka, 2015.3 | 《无瓣的小黄花》摄于斯里兰卡Note: To build a mutual Literature & Art community, Heather has now opened her personal channel (WeChat ID: Heather69) to her friends, who are following HeathersChamber. No cheaters!
备注：由于时间和精力有限，为了建立一个互敬互惠的文学艺术圈子，阿太特向已关注此公众号的朋友们分享她的个人微信号：Heather69 。骗子勿扰！
Last article 上一篇: My Husband-to-be | 未来老公（2）
About Heather Cai:
Heather is the daughter of a subsistence rice farmer from Fujian Province, China. She tells stories from her experience as one of the poorest. She writes her dream to share with the world, a very personal place. She has now written two English literary novels and is looking to being published in the UK. Her passion is a splendid cocktail or milkshake of word, image, music and art. She likes collecting books, DVDs, papers, stones, shells and leaves. She desires for all forms of natural beauty. She is currently teaching kids chess in Shanghai.
Copyright © 2019-2020 Heather Cai. All Rights Reserved. 所有版权归作者蔡太莲所有！
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