热点 | 笑死了！一个歪果仁看《三国》看到关羽死时崩溃了…
【编者按】有没有想过老外看《三国》会是怎样的心情？一不小心，我们遇见了一篇“直击心灵”的读后感，作者是位叫布莱恩•兰宁（Brian Lanning）的歪果仁，因读到“关羽之死”而几近崩溃。忍不住跟大家分享~~
提到关羽↓↓↓，他不仅是位三国名将。
除了有勇冠三军、万人之敌的武艺之外，还熟读《春秋》，是“忠义”的典范。
他被尊为“关公”，又被后世崇为“武圣”，跟“文圣”孔子齐名。
他死后还被视为“武财神”。
总之，他生前作为一员战将，而死后已经是一个“神”了。
他在历史上赢得了一批又一批的不管是官方还是民间的粉丝。
这都是中国人心中的关羽。
但是。
我们有没有想过。
歪果仁怎么看关羽呢？
一不小心，我们遇到一位“脑残粉”级别的歪果仁粉丝。
这位歪果仁太可爱了。
读《三国演义》过程中，对于关羽，他洋洋洒洒写了一大篇读后感（全文见文末）。
关羽的死，让他感到世界一片黑暗…
可谓字字泣血。
看得人真真是心也碎了。
废话不多说，让我们赶紧感受一下他跌宕起伏、痛彻心扉的心路历程。
他对这段中国历史其实并不算完全陌生。
他知道三国这段历史是“那个混沌年代中千千万万的人和事”。
但是。
他看那段历史时，却早已心有所属，并决定从一而终。
他说：我的思维仅仅只愿循着关羽而去。
“脑残粉”特质小小侧漏…
在他心中，关羽是一位“万人之敌”的超级英雄。
所以，即使最后关羽中了吕蒙之计，踏入陷阱。他仍然说：你永远无法擒获或是取关羽首级，唯一能祈祷的就是别挡他的道。
他甚至“一度确信关羽将带领众人走向他的时代，以其卓绝的才华平息这混乱的三国时代”。
这位歪果仁粉丝已经把三国时代的希望寄托在了这位超级英雄身上。
他心目中的关羽似乎是这样的↓↓↓
但是，这毕竟只是他的脑残粉综合症的症候。
他没有想到，关羽只是一位历史人物，而且也当然有他的局限和命运。
他没有想到，关羽也是血肉之躯，并且胜败很多时候并不取决于个人勇力，更多的是靠智谋。
他更没有想到，在三国时代，即使是英雄的生死，也并不像好莱坞影片一样，需经过一次看点多多的、跟势均力敌大反派的决斗来定。
所以，当关羽这位他眼中的超级战神被孙权下令“斩”的时候，他实在是受不了。
一下就崩溃了。
他大吃一惊：这不能啊！这就杀害了骁勇善战的大英雄关羽！
而且想不通：他居然死在了连伤他小指头都不够的敌方将士手上！！
进而，他从原本舒适的摇椅中站起身。
甚至跑到外面漆黑的雨夜中。
他在雨中战栗不已，想：此刻能让我心潮稍稍平息的也只剩下烟了。
他站在雨中：我试图冷静下来思考，思考关羽的遭遇，思考我的生活，思考一切的一切。
他想：曾满是美好祈盼的大脑中此刻全是令人不安的黑暗，黑暗……黑暗！
他悲叹：到头来，世人皆知这世上最伟大的英雄最终竟惨死于庸人之手。
结果：他（关羽）的一生从此从我世界中逐渐消逝，留给我的是无尽的空虚。
显然，关羽这位1800年前的中国历史人物的命运，已经让这位歪果兄弟心碎了。
甚至让他思考“一切的一切”种种终极命题。
有人看了他书评之后，忍不住说，对于《三国演义》这样的剧情，他“应该觉得罗贯中比乔治·R·R·马丁更可怕”。
有人还说：这书你要是从头看起来，每一章都TM是《权力的游戏》，每一回都是《血色婚礼》，罗贯中可比乔治·R·R·马丁狠多了。
这不是没有道理的。
对于不熟悉中国那段“混沌年代”的历史的歪果仁来说，里面的计谋、惊险、曲折、传奇，丝毫不逊于那部名为《权力的游戏》的魔幻美剧。
那部剧改编自小说《冰与火之歌》，作者就是乔治·R·R马丁。
这部小说被视为“奇幻文学的里程碑之作”。
《权力的游戏》自2011年推出以来，揽奖无数，斩获粉丝无数。
眼下正在播出第六季。
这部剧的剧情的跳跃、出人意料是出了名的。
也是奥巴马最爱的美剧之一。
奥巴马还曾把手搭在导演的肩膀上抱怨，为什么把他喜欢的角色都弄死了。
被媒体调侃为“剧中人物之死惊动了奥巴马”。
而《三国演义》的再演绎读物、影视剧则也是层出不穷。
看来大家都是“脑残粉”。
让我们向这位可爱的歪果兄弟表达敬意吧。
无论如何。
虽然具有一种“脑残粉”特质。
虽然由于中西文化的不同，他看问题的角度有所不同。
但他看得比很多人都要认真。
这也显示了中国文化中蕴含的魅力。
而他显然已被这魅力所则深深吸引。
他是我们从事中外跨文化传播者身边的一位，
欢乐的小伙伴。
The Death of Greatness大人物的逝世
By Brian Lanning
作者：布莱恩·兰宁
“Then Sun Ch’uan asked Lü Meng, saying, ‘If he fly to a distance, how can he be captured?’ ‘The divination exactly fits in with my schemes,’ replied he, ‘and though Kuan had wings to soar to the skies he would not escape my net.’” I’m reading in my living room on a comfortable rocking chair with my feet on a little footrest. I can smell the pages of the historical novel Romance of the Three Kingdoms; they have that nice “old book” smell like dried-out leaves in autumn. I’m reading about a chaotic time in China, and numerous characters and events, but I can find myself only thinking about Kuan Yu, the man that Sun Ch’uan and Lü Meng are plotting against. The great and invincible Kuan Yu, with his hundred-pound halberd and his long flowing beard, giving him the nick-name “Kuan Yu of the beard.” This is the end of the chapter, so I close the book and put it on the ledge next to me. I slouch down in my rocking chair, knowing full well that these two imps could never defeat the great Kuan Yu.
“孙权问吕蒙道，假若关羽果真逃脱了，你又将如何擒拿他？”“一切尽在我的预料之中，”吕蒙答道，“即便关羽如你所说，果真成功脱逃，在我布下的这天罗地网之中料他也插翅难飞。”读到这里时，我正窝在我卧室那张舒服极了的摇椅里，把脚搁在一张小足凳儿上，还能清楚地嗅到《三国演义》这本历史悠久的古书那种特有的书香，是那种让人心情愉悦的旧书味道，就如秋日落叶一般好闻。我读的这本书，记录了中国那个混沌年代之中那千千万万的人与事，但我能感知到，我的思绪只愿循着关羽而去，跟随着这位孙权和吕蒙不惜以阴谋害之的蜀国大将。人人赞关羽“万人之敌也”，因其千斤之刀与飘然长须被冠以“美髯公”之誉。这就是这章的结尾了，我合上书，把它放在我身旁的壁架上，并往摇椅更深处躺了躺，内心深信孙吕二位小人是无法斗败关羽的。
After slouching comfortably for a minute or two I get up to walk around, and take some pacing steps around my living room. The warm carpet feels nice and relaxing on my socked-feet. I’m not pacing in anxiety or anything, just getting the blood flowing again. I’ve been in that chair reading for about an hour now and just felt like moving. I can hear the soothing sounds of the rain hitting the roof. I feel secure in this room. The room has this nice warm lighting, where it’s not too bright, nor too dark; that’s why I always do my reading in this room. “Maybe,” I think, “I’ll just read another chapter before going to bed.” I stretch my chest, and feel a nice, light pulling in the front of my shoulders.
在摇椅中舒适地躺了一两分钟后，我站起来穿着短袜在我卧室里暖和的地毯上缓缓踱步，这促进了我全身血液的流动，让我感觉闲适温暖，而非深陷故事之中的焦虑。我已经在摇椅中阅读《三国演义》约一小时了，现在只想活动活动。我这间卧室的暖调灯光是那么恰如其分，既不过亮也不过暗，这让我总爱在这个房间里读书看报。我禁不住想，“或许我应当睡前再读一个章节吧。”想到这，我扩了扩胸，我感受到肩膀一阵轻快。
I return to the chair and ease into it, putting my feet back on the little footrest. I pick the book back up from the ledge, open it up and smell that sweet autumn fragrance emanating and lingering. “When Kuan Yu mustered his fighting men in the city, he had but three hundred, all told.” I let out a little chuckle. These would seem like dire straits to anyone who was not familiar with the hardships that the great Kuan Yu has overcome in his lifetime. This is the man that road out of a kingdom alone and had to slay six officers in order to escape. This is the man that knowingly went to a banquet designed to assassinate him, and walked out unscathed holding the host in the air. His enemies, the country of Wu, is led by Sun Ch’uan and his adviser Lü Meng. They have devised a ploy to make Kuan Yu’s entire troop defect to Wu.
我又踱步到我的摇椅边，以舒服的姿势窝在里面，将双脚搁回了足凳上，接着从身旁的壁架上取回了这本《三国演义》。翻开它时，那种秋日才有的芬芳久久萦绕在我的鼻尖，让我一阵心醉。“当关羽在城中召集他的将士时，统共仅三百余骑。”读到此处，我不禁轻轻笑了起来，想必对关羽此前所经历的艰难险阻不够熟悉的读者而言，这境遇简直如千丈深渊一般难以逾越了吧，但我明白，关羽这样一位过五关斩六将、在一国杀出一条路的豪杰，这样一位即便知道此去凶险也要单刀赴会，并将其主公刘备安然无恙带离危险的壮士。他的敌国——吴国，由孙权及其谋士吕蒙所领导，设计使关羽的整支队伍背叛他投靠了吴国。
Their plans are working out fine for them, but I’m still comfortable in my chair knowing that Kuan Yu is worth a thousand soldiers. However, to hold a city you’ll need more men and resources than they have. They decide to retreat by a certain path leading out of the castle. “Wang Fu opposed it, pointing out that they would surely fall into an ambush. The main road would be safer. ‘There may be an ambush, but do I fear that?’ said the old warrior. Orders were given to be ready to march.” I lift my eyes from the page and smile. You have to love a great hero that knows that he’s a great hero.
眼看他们的计谋得逞了，我却仍安然躺在我的摇椅中，因为我知道，关羽“万人之敌也”的美誉并非浪得虚名，然而，要想坐拥一座城池仅三百余骑定是不够的，于是关羽毅然决定带领三百将士由城池一条可信而隐秘的小径撤退，王甫不认同这一做法，劝道：“小路恐有埋伏，可走大路。””关羽答道：“虽有埋伏，吾何惧哉？”随即令全军即刻开拔。我将目光从书上移开，并微笑着想“知道自己是英雄的英雄，让你不得不去爱他。”
After a couple of laughs I continue my reading, and guess what, they’ve gotten ambushed. “Soon appeared a large force with Chu Jan at their head. He came dashing forward, and summoned the small party to surrender if they would save their lives. But Kuan Yu whipped his steed to a gallop and bore down on the leader with anger in his eyes. Then Chu Jan ran away.” “Smart man,” I think to myself. Another small fit of laughter escapes me. What is Wu thinking? You can’t capture or kill the great Kuan Yu, you can only hope that you’re not the one in his path. Lifting my eyes from the pages, I look at the light bulbs.
此后，我又开始继续品味《三国》，然而，他们却终是遇上了埋伏，此时关羽仍风度翩翩地走向前，告诉其部下若想要求生，投降即可，接着策马向前对敌方头领怒目而视，直到对方仓皇而逃。“明智之选”，我暗自想道，并笑了起来，不由得想，此时吴国首领孙权又该做何感想呢？毕竟你永远无法擒获或是取关羽的首级，唯一能祈祷的就是别挡他的道。这时我抬起头望向我卧室的吊灯，因为它不会让我感觉头昏目眩，而是让我倍感温暖舒适。我伸了伸有些僵硬的腿，将目光移回了书本。
Another ambush by another captain, and another captain flees from Kuan Yu. I start shaking my head thinking about the stupid persistence of Wu generals. Seriously, why would you engage someone in battle if you were just going to run away? “It doesn’t matter,” I say to myself, “just read.” “Presently the small party stumbled into another ambush, and the men thrust forth hooks and threw ropes. Entangled in these, Kuan Yu’s horse fell, and Kuan Yu reeled out of the saddle.” “This can’t be good,” is frantically repeating through my head. “In a moment he was a prisoner.”
紧接着，关羽又落入了另一位敌方将领的埋伏之中，我不得不嗟叹吴国将领的愚昧。说真的，若你知道你将不敌你的对手，你还会螳臂当车吗？我接着往下读，当读到关羽及其将士又再次踏入陷阱，而敌方此时丢出了绊马索，关羽被绊马索绊倒，读到此处，我心想“大事不妙”，这个念头在我脑海中挥之不去，循环反复。
But at least he’s still alive. As long as the great Kuan Yu is alive, there is nothing to fear. I’ve noticed that my leg is twitching, and that nice comfortable warmth has turned into humid heat. I feel itchy all over. I start scratching my ears; they’re itching the worst. I pull my hat off and rub my hair, pulling the hat back over my head very tightly. The air is way too sticky, and I can’t seem to get a breath of fresh air. I cover my mouth with my left fist, and cough a little bit.
但最终他仍然在这一战役中活下来了，我想，”只要关羽活着，我就没什么好怕的。”但我发现我的双腿开始颤抖，我已经从最初那种温暖舒适的状态悄然置身于热锅上的蚂蚁般炽热难耐。同时我感觉全身发痒，尤其是我的耳朵，我已经忍不住开始抓耳挠腮。接着我摘下我的帽子，把头发揉成了鸡窝状，我感觉空气太过于湿热粘稠，仿佛已经无法呼吸到任何的新鲜空气。我左手握拳放在嘴边，轻轻咳嗽了一下。
Sitting up straight in the chair and staring fiercely at the pages I start reading quickly. The generals of Wu have brought Kuan Yu before Sun Ch’uan. Sun Ch’uan asks him to switch sides to Wu. “But Kuan Yu only answered roughly, ‘You green-eyed boy! You red-bearded rat!’” I’m thinking “Ahhh… this is where the great Kuan Yu is going to slaughter everybody in the room, whether he’s bound or not!” One of Sun Ch’uan’s generals says that evil will come if they spare Kuan Yu. “Sun Ch’uan reflected for some time. ‘You are right,’ said he presently, and gave the order for execution.” “This can’t be!” My mind is frantic; they’ve just executed the invincible Kuan Yu. His death was at the hands of men that combined couldn’t exist as the great Kuan Yu’s pinkie-finger.
坐直身体，大力翻动书页，我开始加快了阅读的速度，吴国将领将关羽带到了孙权面前，孙权高声道：“关将军！我仰慕将军盛德已久，两次遣使致意，愿与将军结秦晋之好。将军竟两次拒不应允，是何缘故？”关羽厉声斥骂：“碧眼小儿，紫髯鼠辈！我乃大汉将军，与刘皇叔桃园结义，誓扶汉室，岂能与叛汉奸贼为伍！真乃不知羞耻之辈！”读到此处，我想，“看来关羽此番是要大开杀戒了！”吴军将领之一向孙权进言道，“当年曹操得此人时，封侯赐爵，三日一小宴，五日一大宴，上马金，下马银，尚且留他不住，终于任其斩关杀将而去，以致今日反为其所逼，竟欲迁都以避其锋。今主公既以擒之，若不立即剪除，岂非自留后患？愿主公三思！”孙权半晌沉吟无语。终于点点头，低声道：“此言是也。”下令斩。“这不能啊！这就杀害了骁勇善战的大英雄关羽！”我寻思着，“他居然死在了连伤他小指头都不够的人的手上！”
I stand up in haste, throwing the book to the floor, shove my feet into my shoes without tying them, and then walk out into the rain. It’s pitch-dark outside. It’s cold. I look up and try to see the moon. There is no moon. There aren’t even any stars out tonight, just the rain. I’m looking around for some form of celestial light, but all that I can see is one flickering light bulb. How is this one light bulb going to brighten the darkness?
我犹豫着站起身，将书往地上一扔，把脚往鞋里一戳，径直走进雨中，这才发觉夜已然漆黑了，在一片寒意之中，我试图望见空中的月儿以寻些慰藉，但月儿也不见芳踪，甚至连一颗星也难寻，只有淅沥沥的雨打在我心头。我四下望去，却只看到我那时隐时现的灯，但这灯又如何能照亮我已黯然的内心？
I’m shivering, I’m soaked, and I need a cigarette. I pull my pack out of my pocket and grab one. It’s been out of the box for like two-goddamn-seconds and it’s already wet. I’m looking down as I’m lighting it, cupping my hand around the lighter so that the wind and the rain don’t extinguish it. I can see the wet blacktop. The water passing over it is the blackest thing that I’ve ever seen. To me it seems like emptiness in motion, this black-liquid coming from nowhere, heading nowhere, and washing away whatever it can find.
我在雨中战栗着，浑身能拧出水来，我想，此刻能让我心潮稍稍平息的也只剩下烟了，于是我习惯性地将手伸入口袋掏出我的烟来，但它已微湿。我低着头，用手护住火焰，使其免被风吹灭、被雨淋熄。我能看到雨中的柏油路面，雨水流过，悲伤地想，“再也没见过比这更黑更黯的东西了。”对此时的我而言，这柏油马路俨然是那晃得人头晕的无尽空虚，这路面的黑色液体仿佛从四面八方汇聚而来，又向四面八方呼啸而去，冲毁世间万物。
I find that my imagination has been washed away. I’m trying to think. About Kuan Yu, about my life, about anything. Nothing is coming to mind. There is a black void where all of my fancies and aspirations of greatness used to fill. This is uncomfortable. For the past three-weeks my imagination has been running loose. Everything I’ve thought about or thought-up has been wild and epic; I was plotting world-domination schemes and ways to restore the chaotic order of great Kuan Yu’s time.
此刻我发现我的想象也被这黑色冲刷得消失殆尽了，我试图冷静下来思考，思考关羽的遭遇，思考我的生活，思考一切的一切。但我做不到，曾满是美好祈盼的大脑中此刻全是令人不安的黑暗，黑暗……黑暗！在过去三周里，我任我想象驰骋，脑中皆是狂热的、史诗般的臆想，也曾一度确信关羽将带领众人走向他的时代，以其卓绝的才华平息这混乱的三国时代。
Now it feels like there is no point to having great fantasies, or to become great at all. The greatest hero this world has ever known met an ignoble end at the hands of inferior men. Reading about this man’s life had given me hope that greatness would resound through history. He’s in books, movies, and video games; but none of it matters. His life was washed away, leaving me feeling empty. The cigarette is done, the end is still glowing but there’s not much more to smoke. I drop it on the wet blacktop and hear the hiss of the embers being extinguished. The cigarette-butt starts washing away. There is a poem in this novel that keeps resounding in my head. Normally, I’d be able to visualize what it says, but now I can only remember the words and can’t see the dragon or the phoenix. “The dragon in a puddle is the sport of shrimps, the phoenix in a cage is mocked of small birds.”
现在看来，只有诸多幻想实在是毫无指望的一件事，对变得更强也并无益处。到头来，世人皆知这世上最伟大的英雄最终竟惨死于庸人之手。阅尽关羽的人生，我深信真正的英雄将在整个历史中不断被后人追思，在书中、电影中，甚至电子游戏里，他伟岸的身影都常走回我们的视野之中，但这已无关紧要了。此刻，他的一生从此从我世界中逐渐消逝，留给我的是无尽的空虚。烟已燃尽，烟蒂仍闪着灼热的火光，我将它掷向这柏油地面，余烬终于在雨水里嘶嘶地消亡了，然而这仅存的烟蒂最终也难逃被冲往远方的命运。彼时，我脑海中不断大声回响着一首诗，按以往，我总能看见这诗里都有些什么意象，但如今，我却只能记得字句，而看不见这龙凤了。这首诗是这样念的：“龙游沟壑遭虾戏，凤入牢笼被鸟欺负”。
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