The 16 Guys That Hit on You in a Shanghai Bar

Single gal in shanghai? If you’re out and about after the sun goes down, you may have noticed some trends in our fair city. We’ve racked out brains and reread our diaries to come up with the 16 most common guys who try to pick you up at bars.  

WHITE FEVER

AKA MR.I WANT FACE

He’s a local Chinese guy who, for whatever reason, is burning with the heat of 1000 suns to score with a white girl (preferably one with blond hair). Even if his English isn’t up to the task, he sure is. 

What to expect from him: exchange wechats and a boring conversation tomorrow when he will freak out about talking to a white girl

Favorite pick you line: Ni de Zhongwen shenme hao de! 

THE COUNTRYMEN

AKA MR. PLAY IT EASY

Cross-cultural communication isn’t this guy’s strong suit. Either that, or you look like his girlfriend from high school and he’s a little too eager to relive the magic, whatever the case may be, he stays in his comfort zone and tonight that means you. 

What to expect from him: Casual conversation, which will focus way too much on where you’re both from. And at some point you’ll realize you have 20 common friends on facebook.

Favorite pick you line: WHERE DO YOU COME FROM?

THE MODEL 

AKA MR. WOW

After swimming in a sea of women comprised entirely of beautiful, brainless models, he wants to find someone “real,” (or at least that’s the story). Lucky you, you’re real enough tonight! Don’t try to resist you will not get that chance too many times in your life. 

What to expect from him: a fantastic night and maybe few others randomly in the future, but don’t get used to it and don’t fall in love.

Favorite pick up line: My shirt would look great on your bedroom floor.

MR. GO-GETTER

AKA MR. WANNABE PICKUP ARTIST

It’s perhaps a deep, dark mystery why this guy needs validation so badly, but he does. Who knows what he’s trying to prove, but he’s determined to pick-up the hottest girl he can, and act like he does it every night. 

What to expect from him: Nothing, he sucks in bed and in his personal life

Favorite pick up line: Nice legs, what time do they open?

THE SHOW OFF

AKA MR. I'M IMPRESSIVE I GOT A SPORTS CAR

This guy would make you cry just to see his own reflection in your watery eyes. He’s spend all the money that exists in the world if he could, and why? Who knows, he sure doesn’t. 

What to expect from him: Get drunk off fancy, over-priced cocktails and forget the rest of the night (until you wake up somewhere in Pudong) 

Favorite pick up line:  Wanna take a ride? 

THE HORNY DRUNK GUY

AKA MR. NO STANDARD

Maybe the most lovable of the whole bunch. This guy is the only one who knows the closing time of all the bars in town, from experience. He stays till the very end and picks up whatever poor girl hasn’t already been spoken for, not because he wants to, but because his bed’s cold when he sleeps alone. 

What to expect from him: The worst night ever, he might fall asleep on the couch or throw-up, or both at the same time. 

Favorite pick you line:  HellooooOOOoooo 

THE MARRIED DICKHEAD

AKA MR. NO PRINCIPLES

He has a perfect wife and a perfect life, but like a little kid who’s bored with his toys he needs some dangerous excitement in his life. So he wants to play with fire, and tonight he thinks that means you. 

What to expect from him: The worst moment of your life when you will randomly bump on him while he is with his wife, his son and his dog at your favorite brunch spot.

Favorite pick up line: I have a daughter that’s about your age

THE YELLOW FEVER

AKA MR. ENGLISH TEACHER

Until he came in China he never realized he was a full-throttle Casanova. It took a slew of local Chinese women for him to unleash the beast, and now that it’s out, it’s running the show.  He hasn’t even made eye contact with a white girl in several years, and he might never again. 

What to expect from him: A brief hello as he turns away and starts hitting on the Chinese waitress 

Favorite pick you line: Ni hen piaolang! 

THE INTERNATIONAL SCHOOL KID

AKA MR. EXPAT'S KID

He is still a kid but he wants to play like an adult. 

What to expect from him: Hopefully a few forms of identification that prove he’s legal age.

Favorite pick you line: I’d love to take you to Window’s Scoreboard for dinner sometime.

THE GUY FROM THE SAME SOCIAL CIRCLE

AKA MR. NOT A GOOD IDEA

You bump into this guy everywhere since you have the same friends, same contacts, same hobbies. He could become your boyfriend, a friend or an ONS. Whichever the case, be prepared to still see him every god damned day as long as your living here.  

What to expect from him: Seeing his face in all of your favorite wechat groups later, possibly filling your entire being with regret. 

Favorite pick you line: Hey, baby. Want a raisin? Sorry, none left. Perhaps a date then?

WEIRD FANTASY/FETISH GUY

AKA MR. NO SELF CONTROL

He gets points for honesty and boldness but like, slow down man. Fetishes sometimes look cool in movies, but in real life… almost never. Bizarre tastes and imagination all spill out since he thinks a drunk girl might think it’s a good idea… it’s not.  

What to expect from him: a night you will never forget… for better or for worse

Favorite pick you line: I have a thing for amputees

THE EXHIBITIONIST

AKA MR. RABBIT 

He likes to do it when people are around and to pull his hand under your clothes while you are tipsy. Some like, some don’t, but he is who he is. 

What to expect from him: sex in some unusual place

Favorite pick up line: I don’t care if someone walks in 

THE BAD DANCER

AKA MR. FUNKY HANDS

This guy is in every club and bar in the world. He is as common there as alcohol. He is a terrible dancer, so bad in fact that you can’t stop laughing, which he almost always thinks means you’re into him and so he makes his move.  

What to expect from him: The inevitability of an awkward moment.

Favorite pick you line: “SUP“

THE LONELY BUSINESS MAN

AKA MR. HOLLOW INSIDE

He travels the globe doing some sort of vague business you’ll never hear about. But the champagne baths and club lights are never enough to distract him from his lonely, hollow soul. Tonight he’s looking for company in his 5-star hotel bed. 

What to expect from him: Awesome hotel suite and a continental breakfast 

Favorite pick you line: Are you free tonight, or will it cost me?

THE TIPSY SHY / WALLFLOWER BLOOMS

AKA MR. TONIGHT I' M ON FIRE

He usually doesn’t approach girls, but a couple of cocktails in and he’s Rico fucking Suave all of a sudden.  He’s cute, interesting and maybe even great in bed, but the confidence and charm dry up as soon as the booze is gone. 

What to expect from him: vanilla sex and maybe few dates later 

Favorite pick you line: Secret Service, ma'am. I need to do a full body cavity search. National security, you know

THE "BRO GUY"

AKA MR. DOUCHE BAG FRAT BRO

He acts like "bros before hoes" and treat women like trash to attract those with supremely low self esteem. And hey, it works! What exactly is he afraid of? Love? Paying for an actual date?  

What to expect from him: a night of questioning his sexuality

Favorite pick you line: You don't sweat much for a fat chick

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