Gongti Heaven Supermarket to Open Before Xmas

If beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy, then God is surely atoning for the looming airpocalypse. With Heaven’s pearly gates opening in exactly a week’s time, paradise, it would seem, is truly here on earth – well, more specifically in the basement of Tango KTV, in the west street of the Workers' Stadium.

To kick things off, Heaven Supermarket will be partnering with Vandergeeten to bring you their craft beer festival right before baby Jesus' birthday on Friday and Saturday (Dec 23-24). Expect a lineup of reasonably-priced Belgian beers and vibes from Cuban band Cohiba. Presale tickets are priced at RMB 50 and include one glass of beer and a plate of snacks.

I guess drinking at Heaven during Christmas isn't all that bad ... after all, the next best thing to being home for Christmas and getting drunk with your Uncle Ralph is tying one on with a bunch of Santa-hatted strangers here in smoggy Beijing.

Sing it with me, people!

On the twelfth day of Christmas, my Heaven sold to me:

Twelve vodka Red Bulls
Eleven Tsingtaos clinking
Ten green tea whiskeys
Nine Stella Artois bubbling
Eight Blondes from Belgium
Seven baijiu cocktails
Six margaritas
Five warm Yanjings
Four Lokos cracking
Three Maotais pouring
Two Slow Boats sailng
And a wreckhead in a pool of pee

Expect the new location to retain many of the same characteristics as what we love and expect: a stockpile of reasonably priced beers, decent Mexican food, and open all the bloody time (yup, 24/7). What we hope it doesn't retain, or in fact it obliterates into a thousand shards of cheap, questionable glass, is any semblance of a squat toilet/a toilet setup taken straight from the blueprints of a Russian gulag; the kitchen right next to said "toilets"; wet floors (from years of substandard cleaning up of vomit); excessive use of nefarious powders; smoking indoors; and general douchebaggery.

However, for those of you who like said things, the new store will come as good news following the scare that happened early this year, leading us to wonder how much longer the Xindong Lu spot would be around.

And finally, for those of you who have never been to Heaven Supermarket (aww bless), here are some things that we've actually witnessed while there:

• The biggest human turd ever known to mankind, literally the size of two cow pats. Not figuratively. Needless to say, this beast didn't flush, it needed to see a shovel;
  

• A man who stumbled out of Heaven Supermarket on the morning of November 2, apparently just coming to from his Halloween nightmare 48 hours on and still wearing a mask;
  

• A 70-year-old man who sat down next to two girls, asking where they were from, to which one answered "Rwanda." Someone's grandpa replied "I like Rwanda," before slipping his hand onto the girl's thigh and 15 minutes later strolling into the night with her, hand-in-hand.
  

Don't say we didn't warn you. Merry Christmas, everybody!

Photo: boozist.com

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