Date Night China: Married at the British Embassy
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This article comes from Date Night China (WeChat ID: datenightchina), your guide to dating in China, from love to lust, first dates to worst dates, hilarious stories, and top tips to avoid (or steer into) disaster. Single in the city? Listen to their podcast: anchor.fm/datenightchina.
Below, Nick Cheng, a British expat, shares how he and his Chinese husband Gong met and were married in Beijing.
How did you meet your husband?
I lived in China for a year and had a few short term relationships. One night shortly after a break up I was feeling pretty ill. I was lonely and was just looking for someone to talk to, so I switched on Grindr looking for conversation.
Unfortunately, most conversations are just a preamble to hooking up. People would ask how I am, and I would tell them the truth and they would ghost me.
That was until Gong messaged me. He cared and asked me what was wrong, so I listed off my symptoms. He told me he knew Chinese medicine, to which I thought he meant he was a doctor. I was wrong, but luckily it was the best misunderstanding I could have made. I went round to him for some Chinese medicine. It turns out that it was a very simple ginger tea, but it did the job.
We talked and talked. He was cooking intestines for dinner and so I stayed for dinner. After only just getting out of a relationship I wasn’t looking for a boyfriend, and so we decided to just be friends.
We talked and hung out and it was nice to finally have a friend in this country that was still so strange to me. After about three months it was New Year’s Eve and we went to watch a big display in the CBD. At the last minute, we were told it had been canceled due to an issue in Shanghai, so we literally ran to a rickshaw and got them to take us to the nearest gay bar.
We made it just in time, and after celebrating the start of 2015, I took a chance and asked Gong if he would like to be more than just friends. He said yes, so we also celebrated the start of our relationship that night.
Are there some challenges with dating interculturally?
As with every relationship, two people with different experiences come together and have to sometimes work through clashing opinions.
I suppose we are quite lucky as Gong is quite Westernized. But there are still things he doesn’t get, and of course there is a lot I still don’t fully understand about Chinese culture, but this is where communication comes into [play]. You have to talk about it, discuss how it makes you feel and why, and also listen with an open mind to your partner.
A relationship is a team effort, and you have to work through those challenges together. It took a long time for Gong to realize he could tell me anything that was going wrong and he didn’t need to hide anything from me, and I had to learn that Gong has his own way of showing affection and just because it isn’t the same way I would expect in the West, it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love me.
Now if only international politicians would try that, the world might be a better place.
What made you and Gong decide to get married? What made the ceremony really special?
We had been together for three years and realized that we would not be opposed to growing old together, but when having an international relationship there is the chance you could get separated.
We didn’t want that to happen, so believed the best way to prevent that was to formally declare our relationship. We knew we loved each other and wanted to let the world know we would not be broken up without a fight.
We had to work out the logistics though. Same-sex marriages are not currently permitted in China, but as an optimist, I believe eventually that will change.
Fortunately, as I am British, same-sex marriages are permitted. We realized though it would be too expensive to have the wedding in the British Isles. Luckily though, there are little pieces of Britain all over the world…embassies!
Within the walls of an embassy the laws of the country they represent apply. Not all embassies will allow same-sex marriages, even if they're allowed in the home country, but in 2018 the British embassy permitted it. We had a small ceremony in the ambassador’s residence where my family and a few friends could attend, and then we had a reception in the hutongs.
It was amazing to be able to do this and have our friends there. There were a lot of smiles and joy and quite a few tears of joy, too. Especially during the speeches when my husband read a text he had received from his father, a man who as far as we were aware did not even know his son was gay, let alone getting married.
But it turned out he was aware. He wished us a happy ending and that we would both be accepted as sons in his home, which of course had everyone crying (although our Chinese guests had to wait for the translation before they found out why all the Westerners were diving for tissues). It still brings a tear to my eye remembering it.
To hear more from Nick and Gong, check out Date Night China Episode 17: Love, Laughs & LGBT in China.
READ: UK Tourism Ambassador Labelled "Foreign Male Scum" as a Warning to All Chinese Women
Images: Nick Cheng
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