Stages of Acceptance

No mud, no lotus

Thich Nhat Hanh

No mud, no lotus is such a simple way to explain life. Looking at a lotus I feel inspired and motivated, but when I embody the experience the level of motivation will depend whether I am a germinating seed, a determined stem travelling through muddy water, a leaf resting on the surface, a bud that is holding tight or an open lotus breathing together with a rising sun.

Each phase has a message and purpose without the possibility to skip, rush or pretend. As a metaphor, some phases may be more desirable (from the human perspective) than others, but ultimately we have to agree that pain is inevitable and suffering is options. How can I distinguish the difference? If I am in pain, am I not suffering? Can suffering be a choice?

I looked at the stages of acceptance trying to find an answer to this puzzle as pain and suffering seem to be glued to each other even though I absolutely believe in the formula Pain x Resistance = Suffering

This is what I learnt:

Acceptance has five phases

1. Resisting (the seed) is when I avoid facing the pain, emotional issues and psychological wounds either because I am tired from self-examination or believe that I (surely) am protected from these earthly issues (pain and suffering) since I already put so much effort in my practice. The idea that there is a safe space where pain will not find me based on the amount of practice I have done is the first sign of spiritual bypassing ("tendency to use spiritual ideas and practices to sidestep or avoid facing unresolved emotional issues, psychological wounds, and unfinished developmental tasks" - John Welwood).

2. Exploring (the stem) - in this stage, I have an ability to lean in toward the wounds with curiosity. Just naming the emotion is enough to begin the exploration although I am not quite sure how to handle it. I somewhat feel like a stem going through the murky water.

3. Tolerating (the leaf) - At this point, I can endure the discomfort with awareness. I feel safe to endure it, I can stay steady in my meditation and even dedicate time to acknowledge that it is there (rather than ignore it) but I am not ready to fully engage. The tendency to avoid discomfort is inevitable.

4. Allowing (the bud) - now, I am open! I can experience the way the discomfort impacts me, I can witness how it moves through my body. Emotions come as waves and I am learning to surf. Often I drown but I get back to the board and wait for the next wave.

5. Befriending (the flower) - I can listen to the messages of the discomfort, I learn why it is here and what it is trying to tell me. I hear the needs behind difficult feelings and embrace lessons behind the experience. Often I am not able to do this on my own, I seek help from a friend, partner or a coach. 

Becoming a lotus is not easy and spirituality is not a way to bypass difficulties. These messages can be lost when the mind knows too much and craves to settle in a cosy place of an open lotus with ego leading the way. If you want to explore more on this topic, I recommend the article available on https://lonerwolf.com/what-is-spiritual-bypassing/ with a snippet of 10 ways of spiritual bypassing. If you are based in Beijing and would like to join us in person, Dr Theo Cope will present his series on Meditation and Shadow starting from 31st October, register via the QR code.

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MINDFUL MONDAY

Every Monday at 7.30 pm Beijing Mindfulness Centre hosts group coaching sessions with mindfulness practice as a way of healing. Find out more by scanning QR code below: 

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More articles: 

The message of impermanence

Goal Settings and the Feminine Cycle

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