Home? Helping Third Culture Kids Readjust to Life Back in China

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The closing of China’s borders earlier this year following the COVID-19 outbreak left many an international family in multiple limbos. Some, who decided to flee to Asian countries close by hoping to wait out the situation in China, found themselves not only locked out of China but in many cases out of their respective countries, who also instituted strict lock-downs shortly after China. Others found themselves back in their home countries having to make long-term arrangements for what they had hoped to be a short-term situation. This meant making appropriate arrangements for their kids to either attend a local school or continue with their China-based schools online.

But beyond the logistical nightmare of being locked out of China, there were deeper, more psychological issues parents were suddenly confronted with. What were they to do with their children who were Chinese for all intents and purposes save for their nationalities and passports? Suddenly, children who were used to their ” home countries” being summer and winter holiday destinations, were compelled to adapt to a new normal outside of China. And now that China is slowly opening up certain countries, parents might be worried about how to help their children readjust to life in China after almost a year away. For third culture kids (TCK), the issue of home and belonging goes beyond passports and their current country of origin.

We spoke to Tanya Crossman, author of Misunderstood; the impact of growing up overseas in the 21st century, and posed a few questions that might be troubling TCK parents upon their return to China.

Tanya Crossman, author of ‘Misunderstood’

I am a third culture kid parent, and I am worried about what that will mean for my child in the future. What do you think home and my child’s sense of identity will be?

This is a big question! So big that I wrote a whole book about it. My book largely came about because so many parents had questions like this, often with guilt and anxiety about what they had done to their child/ren in moving them overseas, and how it would all turn out. Here’s the bottom line: while living internationally as a child does impact identity, and means they likely won’t 100 percent identify with their passport country in the same way that a child who grew up there does, it also offers many advantages. The vast majority of 750 TCKs I surveyed were thankful for the experience of growing up internationally, with 92 percent saying they wouldn’t take it back if they could – despite the difficulties they experienced as a result. The goal of my work is to help TCKs and those who care for them compensate for the difficulties present in international life so kids can benefit from the opportunities.

Home and identity are very personal and sometimes fluid concepts for TCKs. I’ve done research specifically around their concepts of home, and for most, home is about relationships. They feel at home with the people they care about, the people they are invested in, the people they are in a relationship with. This usually means family members and/or community groups, but there are many variations. Identity is trickier to pin down in a few sentences, but an important guiding principle is that many feel the third culture is their childhood home rather than any particular place. They are more likely to identify with shared experiences than with “typical” identity markers such as nationality. For parents, these TCK conceptions of home and identity should serve as an encouragement to focus on family time that includes creating memories together through shared experiences. Create family traditions that can happen anywhere, experience different places together. Allow your child/ren to share with you the things that matter to them – even if they are things that feel foreign to you. This will strengthen your bond as a family, no matter what “home” and “identity” become over time.

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“Home and identity are very personal and sometimes fluid concepts for TCKs”

My children and I have been stuck abroad for the last couple of months. It is technically our home but it is strange to them since they didn’t grow up there. How should I prepare my child for a return to Beijing?

My big piece of advice would be to take these transitions seriously – these are very big and difficult upheavals your family has been navigating! The return to Beijing will not be a simple going home after a holiday type of return. This will be a big transition. Beijing will be different than when you left. People will be gone, including friends they didn’t get to say goodbye to. The school will likely be different. Also, your leave-taking will be different, given that you’ve been there much longer than normal. There may be disappointment that things aren’t exactly as you each remember. There may especially be disappointment that there’s no magical return to a “normal” that no longer exists. All told, after an extended and unplanned time away, and now looking at an uncertain return, your family may well have a tangle of emotions about everything! You will all need extra patience and grace and kindness for yourselves and for each other. Creating space to express feelings, even if those feelings seem illogical or contradictory, will be very helpful long-term. For example, it is totally valid and okay to both not want to leave, and also be really excited to go. It is normal to be relieved to be back and disappointed at what you return to. Modeling honest expression of these emotions to your kids is a really vital way to support them at this time – show them what it looks like to express difficult emotions in a calm manner, and to hold the good and the bad together at once.

“Creating space to express feelings, even if those feelings seem illogical or contradictory, will be very helpful long-term.”

I feel disconnected from my child and their cultural locus as I don’t speak Chinese and don’t fully understand the culture here. And at the same time, I do not want to push our ‘own’ culture on my child. How do I bridge the gap?

I love that you’ve used the phrase “bridge the gap” because that is a key thing I recommend parents learn to do. For your child, being connected to multiple cultures – such as the Chinese culture they are living in and the culture that you identify with – is their norm. This is the only way of life they know. That means the onus falls on you as the parent to bridge the gap between their experience and your own. Many parents feel a lot of guilt and anxiety around this, whether it is to try to help their child better immerse themselves into Chinese culture, or to more fully identify with their passport culture/s. The reality is that they will likely never 100 percent identify with or immerse in any of the cultures they are connected to because their experience of crossing cultures is in itself a key part of their childhood experience. The best thing you can do as a parent, therefore, is to make your home and your family relationships a safe space for your child/ren to explore and express all their cultural influences.

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Photos: Courtesy of Tanya Crossman 

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