...And They’re Off To Uni! So What Comes After The Empty Nest?

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One day you’re holding them in your arms for the first time, and the next day they’re off to university. You look back at the memories; from the delivery room where you met, to the seemingly endless days and sleepless nights spent knee-deep in poo, diapers, and breastfeeding, as hormones flew every which way.

When they start elementary school, the diapers and poo are replaced with crazy mornings filled with breakfast, lost socks, and getting lunch boxes ready. Days are occupied with grocery shopping, PTA meetings, and answering school emails. Evenings are for chauffeuring them to after-school activities, helping them with homework, making dinner, and doing laundry. 

By this time, you can barely remember what it was like not to have children in the house. Sometimes, you harbor thoughts of selling your soul just to have a few weekend hours alone in the house, without the kids (or husband for that matter).

But suddenly… They’ve successfully navigated the ups and downs of high school and you’re sending them off to university. No more mess or noise in the house. No peanut butter and jam sandwiches to pack, spilled juice or milk to clean up, no more shouting at them to, “For the umpteenth time, take a shower, brush your teeth, and go to bed!” 

Suddenly… You’re not needed anymore. You can no longer ask them where they are or what time they’ll be coming home. Simply put, they’re beginning a life of unfettered independence… a life away from you.

# SO, WHAT'S NEXT? #

Parents experience feelings of extreme sadness and loss when their first, last, or only child leaves home. For so many years, a parent’s identity is wrapped up in working unbelievably hard for their children. So, when the kids are off to adulthood, parents may lose their sense of meaning and purpose because a phase of their life is all but gone. Of course, if you’re anything like my mum and have ten children, you’ll be shouting “hurraaaaaay” from the rooftops – or in a mental hospital – by the time the last one leaves home. But that’s a story for another blog.

At any rate, I asked four Beijing parents (with less than ten children) how they feel about their kids flying the coop. We discussed what they’ll miss most about their children, and what they’ll do when the kids are away.

The Sampa family from Zambia, they've been living in Beijing for 18 years

“Chichi is my first child to fly the nest: She is off to university in Europe. I have two boys to go so I’m not exactly an empty nester. Before she graduated high school, I had spoken to friends who have been through the same experience with their children going off to college. One thing was evident – they all felt a sense of loss and absolute sadness. And no amount of emotional preparation is enough to prime you on how you’ll feel when they leave home. To cope, I just resolved to spend as much time with her as possible and give her the best of home life so she can carry those memories with her to uni. 

I’ll miss our girl time, sharing make-up, clothes, and shoes, our esoteric jokes, her loud music, her smell, smile, calmness, resilience, and beautiful gorgeous giving heart. And her brothers are suffering as much as I. They love her to bits and will miss her dearly.” – Muby Mulenga

The de Beer family from South Africa, they've been living in Beijing for 2 years

“Carmen is my last daughter leaving home, so I am a bonafide empty-nester. 

I never prepared for anything. I did have days where I thought how my life would change when we have no children home – when there would be no cleaning the kitchen and carpets, cooking, playing games, a full dinner table with all of us together, trying to figure out who had the last piece of Biltong, sweets or leftovers.

All three girls will be in the same country back home in South Africa, while their dad and I will stay here in China. I am glad they all have each other in one country.

I’ll miss the ‘silent treatments,’ eye-rolling, untidy bedrooms, and messy kitchen. But what I’ll miss the most are the hugs, fun lunches, and lying by the pool together. All the memories are engraved in our minds and hearts.

I will miss the last girl as much as I do her older sisters. But I am looking forward to spending more quality time with my husband – just like old times BC (Before Children). I also intend to get out of my comfort zone and learn some new skills, do more exercise, and stay fit and healthy.” – Aletta de Beer

The Wong Family from Hong Kong, they've been living in Beijing for 14 years

“Curtis is my first child leaving home for university in the UK. I still have his younger sister Kelly at home. A few of my friends have older children who are already in university. They had shared their experience with me, so I somewhat knew what to expect. However, the feelings and emotions I had when my boy graduated high school were way more intense than I had anticipated. After his graduation ceremony, he left for his senior trip for a week, and even then, I was emotional saying goodbye to him.

What I will miss most are the moments when Curtis and his sister are together. Curtis and Kelly are 20 months apart and they are thick as thieves. Of course, they fight like any other siblings but they are also very close, and understand and support each other.

We have shared a lot of special mama/son – as well as family – moments over afternoon tea and at the dinner table and I will miss that. 

I am excited to see my boy enjoy university, experience all the exciting things in life, grow into a mature fine man – and him telling me all about it when he comes back home from uni. 

Kelly will be a junior next year. I will still stay in Beijing until she leaves for university. Two years ago, I went back to work part-time and I think I will keep this routine even when I’m an empty nester.” – Kathleen Wong

The Domingo Family from South Africa have been living in Beijing for 5 years

“Nadine is our first one to leave home for university. We still have one boy at home. 

As much as I think I’m ready for this transitional phase of my motherhood journey, a part of me is still in complete denial that my baby is weeks away from flying the nest. I knew this day would come but I am running between worry, panic, and excitement of letting her go into this vicious but wonderful world. It gives me sleepless nights. She’s off to a college located 10,277 kilometers away from me (yes I did count it all). Knowing that I’ll not be seeing her every day torments me. I’ll miss her infectious laugh, our conversations, and her warm hugs. The only thing I’ll look forward to every day will be her calls updating me on what is happening with her life at uni. 

Whilst dealing with the cracks of her absence, I’ll certainly try to travel and read more.” – Jenifer Domingo

# Smile, It's Not All Sad#

Look at it all as their big and exciting adventure, a true rite of passage. Let them blossom. You’ve done whatever you possibly could to prepare them for the real world. You’ve (hopefully) taught them how to boil an egg, operate the washing machine (or hand-wash their clothes if they are living in certain parts of the world), handle money matters, and have had the big talk on how not to screw up their lives with drugs and drinks. 

# Time To Adjust #

Shed a tear or two. Go to the local pub and down a few drinks of your choice. Take time to adjust and acknowledge this new phase of your life – as well as theirs. According to psychologists, it can take up to two years to adjust to no longer being an involved mother or father. Disclaimer: If after two years, the self-pity symptoms of crying or drinking don’t subside, seek medical advice. 

# Keep Up With Them #

They are millennials. Gen-Zers. They can operate 15 screens simultaneously – sometimes while sleeping. So, try to catch up with them; familiarise yourself with the latest tech and social media apps like Facebook, Skype, and Teams. You’ll not only be able to regularly keep in touch with them, but you will also be able to spy on them 24/7 (they won’t appreciate the latter though). 

# Time For Me #

Think about how many things we say we will do “when we have time.” Well, now you have all the time in the world. That yoga app subscription you’ve been renewing for the past 15 years but barely used because there was no time? Well, nothing’s stopping you now. That book you’ve been meaning to write? Get typing!

# Time For Us #

Marriages and children change us all (bodies, mental state, sleep, sex lives, the whole enchilada). Sometimes we are so mired in parenthood that we barely notice how we’ve changed, that we aren’t the same people we were pre-kids. When kids are off to adulthood, it may be time to renew a bond you once had with your partner; a hobby you once shared can be resurrected. That dream holiday you always wanted to take? Well, now is the time (if your bank balance is smiling at you of course).

Let your kids know that they can return home whenever they like: Nothing like mama and papa’s homemade meals instead of leftover french fries, burgers, and Coca-Cola.

See? Parenting duties never really end.

Images: Pexels, Kathleen Wong, Jenifer Domingo, Aletta de Beer, Muby Mulenga

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