化干戈为玉帛：为何有时应该让对方获胜？
For English, please scroll to the bottom.
看英文内容，请直接滑动到底部。
老桑说
无论是在工作上还是在家里，有时候让别人赢更容易。
Why you should (sometimes) let the other person win
▾
「 朋友，你好，我是老桑。」
在工作和人际关系中，肯定会存在冲突。如果双方都是理性的，或者至少愿意妥协，那么通常就可以很好地解决。而在其他时候，当一个人明显错了并承认错误时，道歉会缓解紧张情绪。但遗憾的是，世界并不总是那么完美。
//////////
我曾经去过一个医生的办公室，那里似乎充满了负能量。虽然团队里成员之间的相处看上去很融洽，但这位医生的个性很强。所以他们之间就像油和水一样，无法融合在一起。当然他们都非常关心病人的健康，每个人都有杰出的才能来完成优秀的工作。
但与此同时，医生的性格与团队的其他成员之间存在着冲突。一开始大家都对彼此很cordial（友好），但后来他们之间产生了矛盾与裂隙。工作人员感到自己被轻视同时也得不到赏识，而医生则认为他们拿了薪水就应该做相应的工作。他们逐渐失去了对团队目标的关注，开始在成员之间挑起矛盾，这撕裂了团队之间的关系纽带。
//////////
家庭关系也可能存在矛盾。想象一下这样的场景:丈夫提出带妻子去她最喜欢的印度餐厅过生日，暗示他是在做出牺牲，因为他更喜欢希腊菜。妻子生气了，认为丈夫是不诚实的。丈夫似乎很困惑，认为妻子应该感激他的举动。
一场原本关于晚餐地点的对话，却没想到引发了“第三次世界大战”。妻子提出了各种各样的抱怨，包括丈夫如何一味地迁就她，不能单纯地欣赏她本人以及她喜欢的对象。而丈夫却觉得妻子overreact（反应过度），说他只是开个玩笑，并真诚地想要表现得轻松一些。
//////////
在上述两种情况下，每个人都想要同样的东西：正确。在内心深处，他们都相信自己是对的。当他们感到被误解或不被欣赏时，他们可能会变得愤怒、沮丧和刻薄。如果他们今天过得很糟糕，感觉不舒服，或者纠结于不相关的个人问题，情况可能会变得更糟。
我们都天生想要正确。在学校，我们参加了一次又一次的考试，必须选择正确的答案。当我们得到正确答案时，我们就会赢得奖励。如果错了，我们就受到惩罚。通常被告知的是，你越“正确”，你日后成功的机会就越大。从本质上讲，正确是人类的基本需求。
然而，这种在工作和家庭中始终保持对正确的强烈愿望却可能导致失败的婚姻关系、伴侣关系和团队协作。当我们对某件事的正确信念受到挑战时，我们会更执着于它，导致我们自己责备、操纵和愤怒——这仅仅是为了让我们在自己认为“正确”的事情上得到验证。这种僵化可能反而会起到破坏性的作用。
在经典歌曲《你也许是对的》中，歌手比利·乔尔(Billy Joel)在歌曲的末尾重复着一句歌词来阐释这种耐人寻味的情形：“你可能是错的但你也许是对的。”
Billy Joel
在上述不利的办公室和家庭环境下，我认为首先，双方应该让对方陈述自己的观点。意见就是信念，我们每个人都坚定地坚持自己的信念。即使我们相信的东西在客观上是错误的，我们也相信它在自己的意见中是正确的。为了解决这些问题，重要的是双方需要展开对话，倾听对方内心深处的看法。
当倾听对方的意见时，人们也应该明白对方都认为自己是正确的。理解对方既已形成的观点可以帮助双方朝着解决问题的方向迈进。你甚至可以说:“听着，我知道我们都认为自己正确。也许我们是，也许我们不是，但也许真相介于两者之间。“这种承认是很有帮助的。
//////////
另一种方法就是告诉别人他们是对的。当你说“你是对的”的时候，你就可以消除许多使情况紧张的负面情绪。一旦这些紧张局势得到缓解，你就可以开始集中精力解决根本的实质性问题。
一旦双方都感到被认可，你就可以用一种更平和的方式来讨论真正的问题。在“办公室冲突”中，双方都可以专注于与工作相关的事情，而不是个人问题。在家庭中，丈夫和妻子可以避免一时的情感冲动，谈论关系中那些令人不安的更深层次的问题。
那么，怎么可能当你是对的时，你却又“错”了呢?
有时，理性的讨论是不可能的。承认别人是对的并不会改变别人的态度。紧张局势可能过高，摩擦可能longstanding（长期存在），或者情感问题过于根深蒂固，无法进行更理性的讨论。在这种情况下，一个人只要比另一个更会让步就可以了。
牧师兼励志演说家乔尔·欧斯汀（Joel Osteen）最近在推特上写道:“正确被高估了。你可以是对的，也可能是可悲的。你可以赢得每一场战斗，但是你的人际关系正在被破坏。有时为了和平，你不得不让别人认为他们是对的，即使你知道他们是错的。“这条推文获得了近2.5万个赞!
让我们unpack（分析）一下他说了什么，因为我认为这是一个有力的声明。首先，他说一直保持正确被“高估了”，我们认为它比实际更重要。仅仅因为你是对的并不意味着你就赢了。当然，真诚和坦诚的对话是很重要的，但有时候做一名维和人员比证明一个观点要好。
如果你总是对的，贬低别人或让他们感到自卑或不值得，你可能会成为一个非常孤独的人。更糟糕的是，如果你操纵局面，试图证明自己是正确的，你会得到不真诚和自我设防的评价，这也会让人们远离你。有时候，更谨慎的做法是放手。
有时候你只是让别人赢。例如，在“办公室冲突”，如果某些个人的peccadillo（微小过失）不会影响最终结果，有时最好对它们睁一只眼闭一只眼。在家里，为了保持关系，同意总比不同意好。“让我们求同存异”已成为一个老生常谈的短语。
缔造和平的人是有福的，因为他们要看见天主。（玛窦福音5:9）
”维持和谐是一种判断。如果是在实质性的工作问题上有分歧，那么把事情理顺是很重要的。如果它涉及到一个人的健康和幸福，那么你就不能成为那个人自我毁灭的同谋。然而，我在这里并不是要讨论那些更极端的情况，而是讨论日常的互动，有时候最好还是放手为妙。
某天，我开车去上班,突然旁边车道上的一辆车拐到了我面前。在这千钧一发之际，要不是我放慢速度，她可能就会撞到我。我的第一反应是生气，想要去按喇叭，闪烁车灯，跟着她沿路走，干扰她的行驶。毕竟我是对的！但我最终只是深吸了一口气，然后选择不去这么做。
我的朋友，无论是在工作上还是在家里，有时候让别人赢更容易。你应该合理选择自己争取胜利的场合，在保持和谐与证明自己是对的之间取得平衡。这一技能将帮助你在人际关系中成长。最后，你可能会产生一种更大的平和感。毕竟，如果你知道自己是对的，这还不够吗?
本文部分图片来源网络。
往期文章
谢谢收看《老桑说》。
给你启发，激励你上进，陪伴你坚持。
敬请期待下一集。
英文版
English
﹀
﹀
﹀
Why you should (sometimes)
let the other person win
▾
「 Hello, my friend！
I'm John Smagula. 」
I’m John Smagula. In both work and personal relationships, there is bound to be conflict. If both sides are rational, or at least are willing to compromise, then a solution will usually come about. And then at other times, when one person is clearly wrong and admits it, an apology will diffuse the tension. But alas, the world is not always so perfect.
//////////
I once visited a doctor’s office that seemed to have a lot of negative energy. Although the staff seemed to get along, the doctor had a very strong personality. Like oil and water, they just couldn’t come together. They all cared deeply about the wellbeing of their patients, and each person had tremendous talents to create great results.
But at the same time, the doctor’s personality clashed with his team’s. They started out cordially enough, but later a combination of anger and stubborness took root. The staff felt belittled and unappreciated, whereas the doctor felt they should just do the jobs they were paid to do.They lost focus of the goals of the practice and picked personal battles that tore at the fabric of the team.
//////////
Families can be toxic, too. Think of this scenario: a husband offers to take his wife to her favorite Indian restaurant for her birthday, suggesting he was making a sacrifice because he preferred Greek food. The wife becomes angry, believing the husband was being disingenuous. The husband seemed perplexed, thinking his wife should appreciate the gesture.
What started as a conversation about dinner then erupts into World War III. The wife brings up all sorts of issues, including how the husband patronizes her and can’t just appreciate her for who she is and what she likes. The husband, in turn, feels the wife was overreacting, saying he was just teasing her and was trying in good faith to be agreeable.
//////////
In both situations above, everybody wants the same thing: to be RIGHT. And deep down, they all believe they are right. When they feel misunderstood or unappreciated, they can become angry, frustrated, and downright mean. And if they’re having a bad day, don’t feel well, or struggling with unrelated personal issues, the situation can become exacerbated.
We’re all hard-wired to want to be right. In school, we took test after test and had to choose the right answer. When we got the right answer, we were rewarded. If wrong, we were punished. We were told the more “right” you were, the better your chances of success later in life. In essence, being right is a basic human need.
Yet this strong desire to be right all the time at work and at home can also cause failed marriages, partnerships, and teams. When our beliefs about being right about something are challenged, we cling to them even more, causing us to blame, manipulate, and get angry—just to be validated in what we think is “right.” This inflexibility, in turn, can be destructive.
In his classic song You May Be Right, singer Billy Joel sums up a humorous situation at the end of the song by repeating, “You may be wrong but you may be right.”
Billy Joel
In the toxic office and family situations above, I think first, each side should have let the other state their opinion. An opinion is a belief, and we hold strongly to our beliefs. Even if what we believe is objectively false, that we believe it makes it true in our minds. To sort these things out, it’s important for each side to speak and then listen to deeply understand the other.
When listening, they should also understand that the other person wants to be right. Understanding this deep-seated motivation can help both sides move toward a resolution. You can even say it: “Look, I know that we both want to be right. Maybe we are, maybe we aren’t, but perhaps the truth falls somewhere in between.” This acknowledgement goes a long way.
//////////
Another approach is simply to tell the other person that they are right. When you say, “You’re right,” you can diffuse many of the negative emotions that are straining the situation. Once these tensions are reduced, you can then start to focus on the larger purpose of resolving the underlying substantive problem.
Once each side feels acknowledged, you can discuss the real problem in a calmer way. In the toxic office, each side can focus on work-related matters and not the personal issues. In the family, the husband and wife can go beyond the emotional reactions and talk about the deeper issues in the relationship that are troubling.
So, how can you be “wrong” even when you’re right?
Sometimes a reasoned discussion is not possible. An admission that the other person is right does not change the other person’s attitude. The tensions may be too high, the friction longstanding, or the emotional issues too entrenched to allow more rational discourse to occur. In these cases, one person simply has to be bigger than the other.
Pastor and motivational speaker Joel Osteen recently tweeted, “Being right is overrated. You can be right and be miserable. You can win every battle, but your relationships are being damaged. Sometimes you have to let the other person think they’re right, even when you know they’re wrong, just for the sake of peace.” That tweet earned nearly 25,000 likes!
Let’s unpack what he says, as I think this is a powerful statement. First, he says to be right all the time is “overrated,” that we think it’s more important than it really is. Just because you are right doesn’t mean you win. Of course it’s important to be sincere and have honest dialogue, but sometimes it’s better to be a peacekeeper than to prove a point.
If you are always right, putting others down or making them feel inferior or unworthy, you will probably become a very lonely person. Even worse, if you manipulate situations to try to prove you are right, you will gain the reputation of being insincere and self-defensive—which also will distance people from you. Sometimes, the more prudent action is to just let something go.
And there are other times that you just let the other person win. In the toxic office, for example, it’s sometimes better to turn a blind eye to certain personal peccadilloes if they don’t influence the final results. At home, it’s often better to agree than to disagree for the sake of preserving the relationship. “Let’s agree to disagree” has become a well-worn phrase.
Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God. (Matthew 5:9)
”Keeping the peace is a judgment call. If the disagreement is over a substantive work issue, then it’s important to set things straight. If it involves a person’s health and wellbeing, then you can’t be complicit in that person’s self-destruction. However, I’m not talking about these more extreme cases here, but rather on day-to-day interactions where sometimes it’s best to let go.
The other day I was driving to work, and a car from the next lane suddenly swerved in front of me. It was a close call, and had I not slowed down, she may have hit me. My first reaction was to get angry, blast my horn, blink my lights, and follow her down the road, harassing the driver. I was right, after all! But instead, I just took a deep breath and let it go.
My friend, at work and at home, sometimes it’s easier just to let the other person win. Pick your battles, and balance keeping the peace with proving that you are right about something. This skill will help you grow in your interpersonal relations. And in the end, you may come to a greater sense of peace with yourself. After all, if you know you’re right, isn’t that enough?
{ 今日英文速记卡 }
1.Cordial \ ˈkȯr-jəl \
a)含义：adj. 热情友好的
b)例句：
i.They started out cordially enough, but later a combination of emotions, competitiveness, and stubbornness took root.
一开始他们还很友好，但后来他们的感情、竞争和固执也变得顽固。
ii.Since its establishment, our good quality and cordial service have been trusted deeply by our clients.
公司成立以来，以其优良品质，热忱服务，深受广大客户的信赖。
c)近义词：amiable, genial, warm
2.Overreact
\ ˌō-vər-rē-ˈakt \
a)含义： v. 反应过度
b)例句：
i.The husband, in turn, felt the wife was overreacting, as he said he was teasing her and was trying in good faith to be agreeable.
而丈夫则觉得妻子反应过度了，他说自己是在逗她开心，并真心实意地想表现得和蔼可亲。
ii.The opposite is also true: We tend to overreact to certain risks.
反过来也是如此:我们倾向于对某些风险反应过度。
c)近义词：exaggerate, magnify, overstate
3.Longstanding \ ˈlȯŋ-ˈstan-diŋ \
a)含义：adj. 长期存在的
b)例句：
i.The tensions may be too high, the friction longstanding, or the emotional issues too entrenched to allow more rational discourse to occur.
紧张局势可能过高，摩擦可能长期存在，或者情感问题过于根深蒂固，无法进行更理性的讨论。
ii.I hope your trip to China will mark the beginning of longstanding cooperation between us.
我希望这次中国之行标志着我们之间长期稳定的业务合作的开始。
c)近义词： abiding, enduring, time-honored
4.Unpack \ ˌən-ˈpak \
a)含义：v. 分析
b)例句：
i.Let’s unpack what he says, as I think this is a powerful statement.
让我们分析一下他说了什么，因为我认为这是一个有力的声明。
ii.This is one box I will never unpack and put away.
这是一个我永远不会打开之后就束之高阁的盒子。
c)近义词： analyze, break down, dissect
5.Peccadillo
\ ˌpe-kə-ˈdi-(ˌ)lō \
a)含义：n. 轻罪；小过失
b)例句：
i.In the toxic office, for example, it’s sometimes better to turn a blind eye to certain personal peccadilloes if they don’t influence the final results.
例如，在“办公室冲突”，如果某些个人的微小过失不会影响最终结果，有时最好对它们睁一只眼闭一只眼。
ii.He just flew into rage at such a peccadillo!
这样的一个小过失就让他恼羞成怒。
c)近义词： fault, foible, misdeed
Thank you for watching me to inspire, encourage, and accompany you.
See you next time.
想了解更多信息，请持续关注新浪微博（@桑国亚）或公众号《老桑说》（laosangshuo）
老桑说
John Smagula
点击阅读原文，了解更多老桑微博内容，欢迎关注进行互动。