超强模仿！这才是“美国总统辩论”最后一场的正确打开方式！（附视频&辩论稿）

美国总统特朗普及民主党竞选对手拜登在上周四（10月22日）举行了最后一场竞选电视辩论，争取投票意向未定的选民。分析认为，这场辩论并不会使当前民意发生很大的变化。

美国媒体认为，相对于上一场辩论，这一回是“内容丰富的正常辩论”，双方在多个问题上“深入对峙”。特朗普的表现明显优于第一场，“他成功控制住了自己”，没有采取“打断插话”策略；拜登同样有备而来，有效抵挡了特朗普的攻击。

90分钟的辩论视频看完确实比较长，而且信息量也是蛮大的。为了让大家更快速地Get到终场辩论的精华内容，英语演讲君和大家分享一个SNL爆笑吹牛的11分钟“美国总统终场辩论”，金凯瑞再次来到Cold Open模仿拜登，之前演她副手的Maya这次来到了主持人的位置，特朗普依然由Alec Baldwin模仿。

一起来看看特朗普如何在辩论场上甩锅和胡说八道，也领略一下金凯瑞演绎拜登的内心戏：我很想回嘴，但还是用表情吧！

Final Debate Cold Open - SNL

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>> good evening. i'm kristen welker, and it is the honor of a lifetime to moderate the second and, praise jesus, final presidential debate. tonight we have a mute button because it was either that or tranquilizer darts, and the president has a very high tolerance for those after his covid treatment. so, please welcome president donald trump and former vice president joe biden. good evening gentleman, and welcome to the debate. are we ready to begin?

>> yes, but first, how does this mute button work? do i just haul off and slap him in the mouth?

>> no, mr. vice president, we'll take care of that on our own.

>> are you sure? because i think everybody would love to see me do it.

>> okay, really? think you're some tough guy because of all that money from china?

>> ah ah ah. i'll push it. it's not connected to anything, but i'll push it. our first question on the coronavirus is for president trump. more than 40,000 americans are in the hospital tonight with covid. how would you lead the  country during the next stage of this crisis?

>> what a nice question. thank you, hoda. can i just say, you're really doing a great job.

>> it's creepier when you're nice, but thank you.

>> no really, you're taking very good care of us tonight. now could you just tell us the specials, please.

>> mr. trump, i'm the moderator. i'm not your waitress.

>> okay. just some waters, please. coronavirus, so boring, right? but we're doing terrific. we're rounding the corner. in fact we've rounded so many corners we've gone all the way around the block and we're back where we start in march.

>> come on, man, we're in the middle of a third wave. where i come from if a girl gave you a third wave, you were practically married. he doesn't even know what time it is. it's half past come on, man.

>> no, it's not a wave. it's not a wave. a wave goes like this. and this is going like this. sure, there's been a tiny coronavirus spike in florida and a teensy spike in arizona. and a tunesy wunsey one in north dakota. a lot of people don't know this, but we have another dakota somewhere.

>> just breathe, joe. if you don't breathe, you'll die. >>in just a couple of weeks, if you vote for me, the vaccine will be here and will be distributed by the military.

>> i'm sorry. you said the military will distribute the vaccine?

>> that's right, the army will come and shoot it with a cannon into your face. look, i had it. it was very mean to me, but i beat it and now doctors say i can never die. and the virus said to me, sir, i have to leave your body now. and the virus was crying. very sad. didn't want to leave my body. the point is, we're all learning to deal with it.

>> learning to live with it? we're learning to die with it, man!

>> looks like mr. biden is so mad he's eastwooding it a little bit.

>> that's right. now i believe the little lady asked you about a plan. why don't you enlighten us, punk?

>> i have a plan. it's the most beautiful plan you've ever seen.

>> you don't even have a plan for me. first i'm creepy. then i'm sleepy. you say i have dementia. then you say i'm a criminal master mind. which one is it kimo sabe.

>> i can't show you because it's being audited along with my taxes, which i prepaid just like a drug dealer's phone. i take full responsibility, even though it came from china on a plane piloted by nancy pelosi full of mexicans. shot down on her way to pedo island.

>> come on, america. i hate the curse in front of a woman, but that's a bunch of malarky.

>> that's our first malarky. if you're playing biden bingo at home, take a shot. mr. president.

>> thank you, padma. look, people love how i've handled the wu tang virus. if he was in charge we'd all be in our basements and that's where the haunted annabelle doll lives. a lot of people are saying that's a very scary doll. she's so scary. some are saying that's the most scary doll. and that's not cowardly. that's just smart, okay? we can't spend all day in the basement. we're not all rich like joe, with all the money you got from china.

>> look at me. do i look remotely rich? if i have money, where am i spending it? i live in delaware. a night out is $28. come on! i bought this suit on a train. come on! if i had $3 million extra would i be taking the train to work? no! i'd be pulling up to the capital dome with a candy red trans-am and kenny loggins playing in the back. not a recording, the real kenny loggins. can i get a come on?

>> come on! that is fun. now, president trump you said a vaccine would be coming within weeks. is that true?

>> anything can be weeks, okay? a month is five weeks. but a year is 36 or something. but i guarantee the vaccine is coming somewhere between two and 700 weeks. okay? until then, we have to wear the stupid masks and the little goggles. and we're making so many ventilators. i don't want to get everybody excited, but if i get elected i promise everyone in america will be on a big beautiful ventilator.

>> great. that segues to healthcare in a scary way. vice president biden, what is your plan if obamacare is struck down?

>> i have a plan. it's called biden care. it's like obamacare but biden. it may not talk as smooth, it may need a little bit more sunscreen than the previous melanin rich plan, but damn it, it's got heart and it works!

>> my plan is perfect. it's a beautiful, beautiful plan.

>> show us the plan.

>> this plan is an l.a. 10. large naturals, high booty, bad attitude, but she cute.

>> not a plan. not a plan. that's a planless man.

>> excuse me, i'd love to show you the plan, but i can't, because it's under audit like my taxes. if you don't believe me you can talk to my lawyer, rudy giuliani.

>> what, huh? no, no, it's not what it looks like. my microphone was stuck. on my balls. is this another borat? you got tell me if it's a borat.

>> you're in trouble now, biden, because rudy's got a lot of sane and coherent information that looks really bad for you joe.

>> tell him, rudy.

>> get ready for this truth bomb. your son hunter got $3 million from moscow, and his friend tony -- has emails on the wet laptop from hell and our eyewitness saw everything, and also, he's blind, so --

>> see? even his nasty son is corrupt.

>> don't do it, joe. don't retaliate, even though his kids are a bunch of charity-scammers.

>> mr. vice president, would you like to respond?

>> no.

>> very well. i'd like to move on to race.

>> thank you, mindy, i love your project.

>> i'm the least racist person in this room. i've done more for anybody except lincoln. black people love his cars. i see them driving them all the time. sometimes there's white people in the back, but not always. thank you.

>> you think you're lincoln? because his nickname has the word honest in it.

>> and mute. that is about as well as the race section could have gone. i saved 60 seconds for the climate. mr. vice president?

>> since we're here and almost out of time, oil no, wind yes, fracking, depends what state i'm in.

>> this guy and his wind. he loves wind. look, i know more about wind than anyone. wind kills all the birds. chops them right up. like a magic bullet. it turns them into bird sometimes it gets real fast into a twister and throws a cow right on top of helen hunt.

>> wow, okay. thank you mr. president for sharing your poem about wind. at this point we've come to our final question, and it's for both of you. i want to you imagine your inauguration day. what will you say to americans who didn't vote for you?

>> well, if they didn't vote for me i guess i'd say hola. for the rest i would say, just remember how good things used to be back before the china plague. we had the lowest unemployment numbers in all categories. blacks,  asians, latinxs, brunettes, milfs, lgbtq anon. in conclusion, new york is a ghost town. kids love cages and joe biden is from kenya, thank you.

>> mr. vice president, your turn.

>> look, everybody. you know who he is and you know who i am. i'm good old joe. i'm reliable as a rock. i've got a five-star safety rating and i'm ranked best midsize in my class by j.d. power and associates. i don't have a golden toilet seat. i have a soft, spongy one that hisses whenever i park my keister. i take trains and i don't see any trains in sight. that, ladies and gentlemen, is malarky.

>> with that malarky, that's bingo and i am drunk. good luck, america. and with that, live from new york.

>> it's saturday night!

First Debate Cold Open - SNL

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>> good evening i'm your moderator, chris wallace. and i think i'm going to do a really, really good job tonight. first, i want to lay out the rules. which both parties agreed to in advance. each candidate will have two minutes uninterrupted.>> boring.>> mr. president, i haven't even introduced the candidates yet.>> tell that to my adderall, chris. now let's get this show on the road and off the rails>> and you did take the covid test you promised to take in advance, correct>> absolutely. scout's honor.>> president trump has already introduced himself so let's now welcome the democratic candidate>> boo here comes the booing.>> former vice president of the united states.>> allegedly >>.>> and senator from delaware>> not even a real state>> joe biden [ cheers and applause mr. vice president>> just one second, chris. okay>> it looks like you're ready to debate, joe.>> absolutely not. but i've got the beginning of 46 fantastic ideas. i may or may not have access to. now, let's do this i'm holding my bladder let's get at her>> tonight we'll be discussing six major topics, none of which anyone will remember by tomorrow we begin with the supreme court. president trump, two minutes>> i'm going to do ten and i'd like to begin with a list of complaints people are mean to me. joe here is very mean. chris wallace is mean. the economy is mean. it keeps losing jobs which is mean. to me. the china virus has been very mean to me and being a hoax and that statement is something that i will -- probably come back to haunt me later this week>> and what about the question i asked you about the supreme court?>> i think i already answered that question, chris we're very excited about our nominee, amy christina barcelona. it was so nice to welcome her the other day with open arms and uncovered faces.>> mr. vice president, same question you have two minutes>> thank you, chris. now, look. here's the deal.>> no, it's not.>> excuse me please could you just -->> no. whatever you're going to say, no>> mr. president mr. president, please let him speak. he let you speak now let him speak.>> but he's lying. i can't point out if he says a lie?>> i said two words, you son of a -- no. don't do it, joe that's exactly what he wants don't let your inner whitey bulger come out. just flash them all that smile they taught you in anger management>> now, mr. vice president and only mr. vice president, would you consider adding additional justices to the supreme court?>> he won't even answer.>> i just asked the question>> he won't even answer it just like he won't he answer about his son hunter and burisma and the mayor of moscow and obama was spying on me and he e-mailed benghazi.>> mr. president, you're just listing terms you heard on fox news it sounds like you're saying the names of characters from season 4 of a show that no one has watched.>> sheriff of portland>> mr. vice president, your turn>> look, here's the deal>> can i respond to that, chris?>> will you just shut up, man? [ cheers and applause no, joe. no don't lose control it's what he's hoping for. okay where was i?>> you said "look, here's the deal.">> okay. look, here's the deal. nope lost it. come back to me. i'll find it it's up here somewhere>> chris, can i say one thing? am i allowed to say one thing?>> yes, mr. president.>> what we need in this country is law and order when someone breaks the rules, they need to face the consequences no exceptions.>> okay. what about your taxes?>> there have to be exceptions, chris. the terms law and order, they're very vague terms and rules are meant to be broken it's the same with masks i've got mine right here in my pocket okay it's right here. but you don't need a mask all the time it's like a seat belt. you just wear it when you're backing out of the driveway, then you can take it off but joe wears the biggest mask you've ever seen and he's always standing like 200 feet away from people.>> look, man i'm a nice guy but if you give me any more guff tonight i'll rip your face off like a mad chimp i'll knock that thing off your head and burn it bury it in the pet cemetery where it came from stop it, joe stop it. you can't lose your cool just because this joker's raising little monkey dust the country's counting on you. just stand here and look lucid i know it. i know what'll calm me down. my new harry styles meditation tape>> we dip our toes in cold wet sand>> nice.>> we sit and face the sea>> cleansing>> we let the waves watch over us alone. just you and me.>> hey>> i think maybe i should listen to my meditation tape as well.>> ladies and gentlemen! freedom, liberty and the american dream the best is yet to come! aaaaahhh>> all right, all right. can we please have a civilized dialogue debates are a time-honored tradition and the bedrock of american democracy>> gay>> mr. president, if you keep interrupting this debate, i'll do absolutely nothing about it>> okay, okay. i'll be quiet.>> i don't want to be dictated to and i'm not going to be distracted anymore by this clown tonight. okay i'm definitely going to concentrate. i'm going to try to keep my -- what is that where's that coming from>> mr. president, please stop using a laser pointer.>> it's not a laser pointer. it's a wand that cures the covid.>> boys, boys, boys, boys, boys. [ cheers and applause>> both of you, just stop right now. all right? you look at me, donald you do not treat my joe like that all right?>> kamala, i got this.>> joe, let mamala go to work. now, donald, i want you to apologize to joe>> he started it>> hey hey! i don't care who started it. all right? i don't even care who sharted it you apologize to joe no>> i'm sorry>> what's that>> i said sorry.>> you know, look, i think if there's one thing we learned tonight, it's that america needs a wap. woman as president [ cheers and applause but for now i'll settle for hvpic. hot vice president in charge so why don't the to owo of you finish this debate or whatever the hell this is with dignity? and when you're done i've got some pb and j and apple slices waiting for you.>> yummy>> thank you, senator harris.>> oh, i am not done with you, chris. you will see me in my office after debate>> ooh>> ooh>> and finally, just to ensure this is the worst presidential debate in history, i'd like to close with white supremacy>> ooh, baby, come to papa>> mr. president, i'll ask you directly do you condemn white supremacists>> condemn them? i don't know any i mean, who are you even talking about? the proud boys the white boot the eugenics eagles? i don't even know any of these groups i certainly wouldn't even know how to signal them if i tried.>> america, are you listening to this the president of the united states is literally blowing a dog whistle.>> i don't think this thing is work i don't hear anything.>> mr. vice president, your closing statement.>> well -->> that is so unfair why don't i get to make a closing statement first? after all, i am the pres- -- [ cheers and applause>> sorry, but i think we all needed a break isn't that satisfying? just not to hear his voice for a single goddamn second. [ cheers and applause let's wall low in it let's bask in the trumplessness. now, chris, could i speak directly to the american people?>> is it going to be weird>> totally totally weird. america. look at me look directly into my eyeballs you can trust me because i believe in science and karma. now, just imagine if science and karma could somehow team up and send us all a message about how dangerous this virus can be. i'm not saying i want it to happen just imagine if it did [ cheers and applause>> nope. can't do it. i'm going to leave him on pause. oh, and one more thing>> live from new york, it's saturday night.—END—

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