I started teaching MBA students 17 years ago. Sometimes I run into my students years later. And when I run into them, a funny thing happens. I don't remember just their faces; I also remember where exactly in the classroom they were sitting. And I remember who they were sitting with as well.17年前我开始教授MBA课程，有时会在几年之后碰到以前教过的学生。当我遇见他们时，有个很有意思的现象。我不仅记得他们的脸，也记得他们坐在 教室的哪个位置，和谁坐在一起。 This is not because I have any special superpowers of memory. The reason I can remember them is because they are creatures of habit. They are sitting with their favorite people in their favorite seats. They find their twins, they stay with them for the whole year.这不是因为我有什么记忆超能力。我之所以能记得学生们是因为他们都是跟着习惯走的人，总会与最喜欢的人坐在最喜欢的位子。他们会找一个形影不离的伙伴，然后一整年都和他待在一起。 Now, the danger of this for my students is they're at risk of leaving the university with just a few people who are exactly like them. They're going to squander their chance for an international, diverse network. How could this happen to them?他们这样做是有风险的。当学生们离开大学步入社会，他们很可能只认识很少的人，并且还与他们很像。他们会浪费掉接触国际化多样化关系网的机会。这是如何发生的呢？ My students are open-minded. They come to business school precisely so that they can get great networks. Now, all of us socially narrow in our lives, in our school, in work, and so I want you to think about this one.我的学生们思想开放。他们来到商学院正是为了扩大社交圈子。我们所有人的社交圈都很有限在生活、学校、工作中都是如此。因此我希望大家可以思考一下这个问题。 How many of you here brought a friend along for this talk? I want you to look at your friend a little bit. Are they of the same nationality as you? Are they of the same gender as you? Are they of the same race? Really look at them closely. Don't they kind of look like you as well?你们当中有多少人带了朋友来听讲座。我希望你看看自己身边的朋友，他们与你是否国籍相同，是否性别相同，与你的种族是否一样。仔细好好看看他们。他们是不是也有点像你自己。 The muscle people are together, and the people with the same hairstyles and the checked shirts. We all do this in life. We all do it in life, and in fact, there's nothing wrong with this. It makes us comfortable to be around people who are similar.身强体壮的在一起，发型相似的人在一起，穿着差不多衬衫的人在一起。在生活中我们都会如此，实际上这样做并没有什么错。与自己相似的人在一起让我们感到自在。 The problem is when we're on a precipice, right? When we're in trouble, when we need new ideas, when we need new jobs, when we need new resources -- this is when we really pay a price for living in a clique.问题是当我们遇到困难时该怎么办？当我们遇到麻烦需要新的想法，想换个新工作或是需要新的资源，这就是我们为小圈子生活付出代价的时候。 Mark Granovetter, the sociologist, had a famous paper "The Strength of Weak Ties," and what he did in this paper is he asked people how they got their jobs. And what he learned was that most people don't get their jobs through their strong ties -- their father, their mother, their significant other.社会学家马克·格拉诺维特有一篇著名论文叫做《弱关系的力量》。他在这篇论文中询问人们是如何找到工作的。他从中了解到大多数人得到工作并不是通过关系紧密的人，例如父亲，母亲或伴侣。 They instead get jobs through weak ties, people who they just met. So if you think about what the problem is with your strong ties, think about your significant other, for example. The network is redundant. Everybody that they know, you know. Or I hope you know them. Right? Your weak ties -- people you just met today -- they are your ticket to a whole new social world.相反，他们会通过那些刚认识的人，关系不紧密的人获得工作。因此思考一下你和身边最重要的人，比如你的伴侣之间出了什么问题？这种人际网是多余的。他们认识的每个人你也都认识。我希望你也认识他们，与你关系不紧密的人，你今天刚见过的人，他们才是你打开社交大门的通行证。 The thing is that we have this amazing ticket to travel our social worlds, but we don't use it very well. Sometimes we stay awfully close to home. And today, what I want to talk about is: What are those habits that keep human beings so close to home, and how can we be a little bit more intentional about traveling our social universe?事实上我们都拥有这张通行证，但是并没有善加利用。有时候我们和家庭成员异常亲近。现在我想要说的是那些让人类如此恋家的习惯是什么。我们如何能更积极地对待扩大社交圈子这件事。 So let's look at the first strategy. The first strategy is to use a more imperfect social search engine. What I mean by a social search engine is how you are finding and filtering your friends.我们先来看第一条策略。第一条是说要使用不完美的社交搜索引擎。这里的社交搜索引擎指的是你如何找到和筛选你的朋友。 And so people always tell me, "I want to get lucky through the network. I want to get a new job. I want to get a great opportunity." And I say, "Well, that's really hard, because your networks are so fundamentally predictable."因此人们经常跟我说，我想要通过社交获得好运。我想要一个新工作。我想要获得很棒的机会。我会说这是很困难的。因为你的社交圈子根本上来讲是可预测的。 Map out your habitual daily footpath, and what you'll probably discover is that you start at home, you go to your school or your workplace, you maybe go up the same staircase or elevator, you go to the bathroom -- the same bathroom -- and the same stall in that bathroom, you end up in the gym, then you come right back home.详细列出你一天生活的轨迹。你很可能发现每天从家里出发去学校或者去工作，你可能走同样的楼梯或电梯，你去同样的洗手间，同一个洗手间位置相同的隔间。最后你会去健身房之后回到家里。 It's like stops on a train schedule. It's that predictable. It's efficient, but the problem is, you're seeing exactly the same people. Make your network slightly more inefficient. Go to a bathroom on a different floor. You encounter a whole new network of people.这就像是列车停靠的站点一样，完全可以预测。它很高效。但问题是你见到的都是相同的人，让你的人际网络不太高效。去另一层楼的洗手间，你会遇到从来没遇到的人。 The other side of it is how we are actually filtering. And we do this automatically. The minute we meet someone, we are looking at them, we meet them, we are initially seeing, "You're interesting." "You're not interesting." "You're relevant." We do this automatically. We can't even help it.另一方面，我们实际上也在进行筛选。我们自动进行筛选。我们在见到某人时会先打量一番，通过第一眼观察便会判断这人很有趣，这人很无聊，这人用得着。我们会自动开始筛选，根本无法控制。 And what I want to encourage you to do instead is to fight your filters. I want you to take a look around this room, and I want you to identify the least interesting person that you see, and I want you to connect with them over the next coffee break. And I want you to go even further than that. What I want you to do is find the most irritating person you see as well and connect with them.我鼓励大家对抗这种筛选机制。我希望你环视这间屋子，找出你看到的最无趣的人。然后在下一次茶歇时和他认识一下。我希望你更进一步找到那个让你看上去觉得最招人讨厌的人，跟他认识一下。 What you are doing with this exercise is you are forcing yourself to see what you don't want to see, to connect with who you don't want to connect with, to widen your social world. To truly widen, what we have to do is, we've got to fight our sense of choice. We've got to fight our choices. And my students hate this, but you know what I do?这项练习是强迫你自己去观察那些你不想看到的。去认识那些你不想认识的人。这样就扩宽了你的社交圈。如果想要真正地扩大你的圈子，我们需要对抗我们的感觉，对抗让你做出选择的感觉。我的学生都很讨厌这样做。但你知道我是怎么做的么。 I won't let them sit in their favorite seats. I move them around from seat to seat. I force them to work with different people so there are more accidental bumps in the network where people get a chance to connect with each other. And we studied exactly this kind of an intervention at Harvard University.我不让他们坐在自己喜欢的座位上，我让他们换其他位置坐。我迫使他们和不同的人一起，因此在社交圈中就出现了更多意外的碰撞。通过这些碰撞，人们有机会认识彼此。我们在哈佛大学对这种干预方法进行了研究。 At Harvard, when you look at the rooming groups, there's freshman rooming groups, people are not choosing those roommates. They're of all different races, all different ethnicities. Maybe people are initially uncomfortable with those roommates, but the amazing thing is, at the end of a year with those students, they're able to overcome that initial discomfort. They're able to find deep-level commonalities with people.在哈佛，你观察室友群体时，大一新生并不选择自己的室友。他们来自不同种族，不同民族。也许人们一开始会感觉不自在，但令人惊讶的是一年之后同学们能够克服一开始的不适。他们能够发现和其他人深层次的共同点。 So the takeaway here is not just "take someone out to coffee." It's a little more subtle. It's "go to the coffee room." When researchers talk about social hubs, what makes a social hub so special is you can't choose; you can't predict who you're going to meet in that place. And so with these social hubs, the paradox is, interestingly enough, to get randomness, it requires, actually, some planning.这里的关键不只是带某人去喝咖啡。而是更微妙的东西是去咖啡厅研究者谈论社交中心时认为社交中心的特殊之处在于你无法选择。你不能预测你会在那儿遇到谁。在这里一个有趣的悖论是要想达到随机性，实际上需要一些规划。 In one university that I worked at, there was a mail room on every single floor. What that meant is that the only people who would bump into each other are those who are actually on that floor and who are bumping into each other anyway.在我曾经工作的一所大学中每一层楼都有一间收发室，这意味着在那里遇到的人都工作在同一楼层，他们通过其他方式也总能遇到。 At another university I worked at, there was only one mail room, so all the faculty from all over that building would run into each other in that social hub. A simple change in planning, a huge difference in the traffic of people and the accidental bumps in the network.在另一所我曾工作的大学中只有一件收发室，因此全楼的教职工都会在这个小中心遇到彼此。只是在规划上做一个小的改变，就会带来人员流动的巨大差异，也会产生社交圈中意外的碰撞。 Here's my question for you: What are you doing that breaks you from your social habits? Where do you find yourself in places where you get injections of unpredictable diversity? And my students give me some wonderful examples.问大家一个问题：为了改掉社交习惯，你做了哪些事情？你会去哪些地方与各种各样的人不期而遇？我的学生给出了一些很棒的示范。 They tell me when they're doing pickup basketball games, or my favorite example is when they go to a dog park. They tell me it's even better than online dating when they're there.他们会去篮球场与陌生人打篮球。我很喜欢的一个想法是一些学生会去小狗公园。这些学生表示这比网上约会更好。 So the real thing that I want you to think about is we've got to fight our filters. We've got to make ourselves a little more inefficient, and by doing so, we are creating a more imprecise social search engine. And you're creating that randomness, that luck that is going to cause you to widen your travels, through your social universe.因此我需要你们思考的是我们需要对抗自己的筛选机制。我们需要让自己更低效一些，这样就产生了 一个更不精确的社交搜索引擎，你们就创造出了随机性，还有那些好运气。在结识更多人的过程中帮助你扩宽社交圈。 But in fact, there's more to it than that. Sometimes we actually buy ourselves a second-class ticket to travel our social universe. We are not courageous when we reach out to people. Let me give you an example of that.而事实还不仅如此，有时候我们会在结识他人的过程中给自己一些不利条件，我们不够勇敢去主动认识他人。我来给大家举一个例子。 A few years ago, I had a very eventful year. That year, I managed to lose a job, I managed to get a dream job overseas and accept it, I had a baby the next month, I got very sick, I was unable to take the dream job.几年前的一个多事之秋，我辞掉了工作，接受了一个梦寐以求的海外工作。下一个月我怀孕了，我非常虚弱，无法从事那项工作。 And so in a few weeks, what ended up happening was, I lost my identity as a faculty member, and I got a very stressful new identity as a mother. What I also got was tons of advice from people. And the advice I despised more than any other advice was, "You've got to go network with everybody." When your psychological world is breaking down, the hardest thing to do is to try and reach out and build up your social world.结果就是在几周之后，我教师的身份没有了，新的身份是一个充满压力的母亲。我从其他人那里获得了很多建议。在这些建议中，我最鄙视的一条就是你得去和每个人打打交道。当你的内心世界濒临崩塌，最困难的事情就是尝试主动建立自己的社交圈。 And so we studied exactly this idea on a much larger scale. What we did was we looked at high and low socioeconomic status people, and we looked at them in two situations. We looked at them first in a baseline condition, when they were quite comfortable.因此我们在更大范围上研究了这个观点。我们观察了社会经济地位高和地位低的两组人，将其置于两种情况。我们先以基准情况进行观察，他们表现都十分自如。 And what we found was that our lower socioeconomic status people, when they were comfortable, were actually reaching out to more people. They thought of more people. They were also less constrained in how they were networking. They were thinking of more diverse people than the higher-status people. Then we asked them to think about maybe losing a job. We threatened them.之后我们发现社会经济地位低的人们会在主动接触更多人的时候感到更加自如，他们希望认识更多人。相比于社会经济地位更高的人群，地位低的人在结交朋友时也更放得开，想要接触更多样化的人群。然后我们让他们考虑失去工作，以此作为一种威慑。 And once they thought about that, the networks they generated completely differed. The lower socioeconomic status people reached inwards. They thought of fewer people. They thought of less-diverse people. The higher socioeconomic status people thought of more people, they thought of a broader network, they were positioning themselves to bounce back from that setback.当他们一旦开始思考这一点，他们构建的社交网变得完全不同，社会经济地位低的人不再接触外界。他们会考虑到更少的人，多元化程度也降低。社会经济地位高的人会考虑到更多的人和更宽的社交圈，他们会认定自己会不惧困难，重新振作。 Let's consider what this actually means. Imagine that you were being spontaneously unfriended by everyone in your network other than your mom, your dad and your dog. This is essentially what we are doing at these moments when we need our networks the most.我们思考一下这意味着什么。设想你的社交圈里所有人都与你解除好友关系，除了你的爸爸妈妈和你家的狗。这本质上就是我们正在做的事情。在我们最需要朋友的时刻。 Imagine -- this is what we're doing. We're doing it to ourselves. We are mentally compressing our networks when we are being harassed, when we are being bullied, when we are threatened about losing a job, when we feel down and weak. We are closing ourselves off, isolating ourselves, creating a blind spot where we actually don't see our resources. We don't see our allies, we don't see our opportunities.想象一下，这就是我们正在对自己做的事。我们在精神上压制自己的关系网。当我们受到侵犯时，当我们被欺负时，当我们被威胁失去工作时，当我们感觉低落和脆弱时，我们封闭了自己，隔离了自己，产生了一个盲点，令我们看不到自己拥有的资源，我们看不到自己的盟友，看不到自己机会。 How can we overcome this? Two simple strategies. One strategy is simply to look at your list of Facebook friends and LinkedIn friends just so you remind yourself of people who are there beyond those that automatically come to mind.我们应该如何克服这一点呢？有两条简单的方法，第一条很简单，查看你的脸书和领英网好友，提醒自己有哪些人在联系人列表里，而你却没想起来。 And in our own research, one of the things we did was, we considered Claude Steele's research on self-affirmation: simply thinking about your own values, networking from a place of strength. What Leigh Thompson, Hoon-Seok Choi and I were able to do is, we found that people who had affirmed themselves first were able to take advice from people who would otherwise be threatening to them.在我们自己进行的研究中，我们参照了克劳德·斯蒂尔在自我肯定方面的研究，即从优势角度思考你自己的价值关系网，你自己的价值关系网。雷恩·汤普森、崔洪熙和我发现那些能够先肯定自我的人们可以接受来自他人的建议，而不是把他们当做威胁。 Here's a last exercise. I want you to look in your email in-box, and I want you to look at the last time you asked somebody for a favor. And I want you to look at the language that you used. Did you say things like, "Oh, you're a great resource," or "I owe you one," "I'm obligated to you."下面我们进行最后一个小练习。我希望你们看看自己的电邮收件箱，看看最后一次你向他人。寻求帮助的时候看一下你的措辞，你是不是提到你真是太重要了，我欠你一个人情，我对您感激不尽。 All of this language represents a metaphor. It's a metaphor of economics, of a balance sheet, of accounting, of transactions. And when we think about human relations in a transactional way, it is fundamentally uncomfortable to us as human beings. We must think about human relations and reaching out to people in more humane ways.这些话语都代表了一种寓意是一种经济学的说法，像会计学里面的收支平衡表是一种交易。当我们以交易的角度思考人类关系，作为人类的我们会感到很不舒服。我们必须用一种更人性的方式去思考人类关系和与他人交往。 Here's an idea as to how to do so. Look at words like "please," "thank you," "you're welcome" in other languages. Look at the literal translation of these words. Each of these words is a word that helps us impose upon other people in our social networks. And so, the word "thank you," if you look at it in Spanish, Italian, French, "gracias," "grazie," "merci" in French. Each of them are "grace" and "mercy." They are godly words.给大家提供一个解决方法。观察其他语言中请、谢谢、不客气等等词汇是如何表达的。这几个词都帮助我们在关系网中让别人接受我们。因此，'谢谢‘这个词在西班牙语、意大利语、法语中分别是 gracias、grazie、merci。它们都含有grace(优雅)和mercy(仁慈) 。它们都是神圣的单词。 There's nothing economic or transactional about those words. The word "you're welcome" is interesting. The great persuasion theorist Robert Cialdini says we've got to get our favors back. So we need to emphasize the transaction a little bit more. He says, "Let's not say 'You're welcome.' Instead say, 'I know you'd do the same for me.'" But sometimes it may be helpful to not think in transactional ways, to eliminate the transaction, to make it a little bit more invisible.这些话语中没有经济交易的含义。“不客气”这个词则很有趣。伟大的说服理论学家罗伯特·科拉迪尼说我们需要别人能对我们的帮助以回报，因此我们会稍微带上一点交易色彩。他表示我们不要说不客气，改成说我知道你也会这样对我的。但有时候也许不从交易角度思考，把交易的意味冲淡一些会更有帮。 And in fact, if you look in Chinese, the word "bú kè qì" in Chinese, "You're welcome," means, "Don't be formal; we're family. We don't need to go through those formalities." And "kembali" in Indonesian is "Come back to me." When you say "You're welcome" next time, think about how you can maybe eliminate the transaction and instead strengthen that social tie. Maybe "It's great to collaborate," or "That's what friends are for."事实上，如果参考中文 You're welcome 是不客气意思是我们都是自家人，用不着客套。在印度尼西亚语中，不客气是kembali 意思是再来找我。当你下次说 You're welcome 时思考一下如何能够消除这种交易的感觉，从而设法加强社交联系。也许换成与你合作很愉快，这就是朋友应该做的会更好。 I want you to think about how you think about this ticket that you have to travel your social universe. Here's one metaphor. It's a common metaphor: "Life is a journey." Right? It's a train ride, and you're a passenger on the train, and there are certain people with you. Certain people get on this train, and some stay with you, some leave at different stops, new ones may enter.我还希望大家可以思考一下你拥有的，打开人际网络大门的钥匙。有一个比喻，它很普通。说的是生活就是一次旅行，它是一次火车之旅。如果你是列车上的乘客，身边会有一些特定的人，有些人会乘坐这趟列车，有些人会陪着你，有些人会在不同的车站离开，新的人又会上车。 I love this metaphor, it's a beautiful one. But I want you to consider a different metaphor. This one is passive, being a passenger on that train, and it's quite linear. You're off to some particular destination. Why not instead think of yourself as an atom, bumping up against other atoms, maybe transferring energy with them, bonding with them a little and maybe creating something new on your travels through the social universe.我喜爱这个比喻，它很美。但是我希望你能思考另一个比喻，因为这个比喻太被动了。作为列车的乘客，你的轨迹太单调了。你总会在某个特定地点下车，为什么不把自己想成是一个原子社交的宇宙中与其他原子碰撞，也许与他们传递能量，与他们建立亲密联系，甚至创造出新的东西。 Thank you so much. And I hope we bump into each other again.非常感谢 我希望我们能够再次见到彼此。