其他
TED短片：为什么我们会害怕分手？
世界上有特别多的痛苦是由人们热衷于表面善良，确切的说，是由于人们太懦弱不敢给别人带来短期痛苦而造成的。我们不能忍受给别人带来痛苦，尤其这个人还是我们应该忠诚对待的人，将自身安全与未来寄托在我们身上的人。但真正错误的行为是，毁了别人的大半生，却还在纠结该不该分手。
时长：8:28
-就是分手-但是有个问题困扰着我们– to leave a relationship – but that we are suffering
让我们不能按自己的想法行事from a problem which inhibits us from acting on our wishes:
问题就是 我们不能忍受给别人带来痛苦we can't bear to cause another person pain,
尤其这个人还是especially another person towards whom
我们应该忠诚对待的人 对我们好的人we feel a sense of loyalty, who has been kind to us,
将自身安全与未来寄托在我们身上的人who looks up to us for their safety and their future,
对我们有期许的人who has expectations of us
我们可能早已约好在未来几个月内and with whom we might have been planning a trip together
一起外出旅行的人to another continent in a few months.
或许我们有很多次都差点Perhaps we have come near to telling them
就提出了分手on a dozen occasions,
但总是在最后一刻打了退堂鼓but always pulled back at the last moment.
我们告诉自己We tell ourselves that
“度完假”再提分手的事吧we'll get around to it ‘after the holidays’,
或者“对方的生日派对结束”再说吧or ‘once their birthday party is over’,
或“明年” 或“明天早上”再说吧or ‘next year’, or ‘in the morning’,
然而 时间一再推迟 我们却依然没有说出口and yet the deadlines roll by and we are still here.
我们的不安来源于自己的想象Our discomfort has to do with the thought
想象自己会引起的一场大动荡of unleashing an appalling upset:
对方会泪如雨下 泣不成声they will dissolve into tears, there will be sobbing,
而且可能会哭很久which may last a very long time,
对方会抽泣 呜咽 止不住的泪水会打湿无数张纸巾there will be wailing, uncontrollable cries of wet tissues
-所有的一切都因为– all because of a truth that currently lurks
我们脑海中与对方分手的那个决定in the recesses of our and mountains cranium.
被分手会让一个有能力并且独立的人We will have been responsible for
陷入混乱之中 我们要对此负责dragging a formerly competent and independent
这是我们无法承受的person into chaos; it's more than we can bear.
这听起来很奇怪 但是对我们来说It sounds peculiar, but it might almost be better for us
与其在未来几十年间过得不如意to spend the next few decades unfulfilled than experience
不如经历五分钟的终极心烦意乱even five minutes of unbounded upset.
另外 我们还会觉得害怕In another part of our minds, there may also be a terror.
我们一天天地都没意识到 我们害怕自己的伴侣More than we realise day to day, we're scared of our partner.
告诉对方要分手 可能会惹来对方的暴怒By telling them it's over, we risk a discharge of titanic anger.
他们会冲我们大吼大叫 指责我们是骗子They may scream at us, accuse us of leading them on,
骂我们是可耻的人of being a charlatan and a disgrace.
我们还可能会挨打 会有危险There might be violence and danger.
我们的恐惧在某种程度上是合理的There is a certain symmetry to our fears.
我们提出分手 这可能会要了对方的命We may tell them and by so doing, kill them.
或者我们说了之后 他们会翻脸然后杀了我们Or we may tell them and they will turn around and kill us;
杀人或者被杀kill or be killed.
难怪我们迟迟说不出分手No wonder we put off the news.
作为成年人 我们大脑中理性的部分清楚地知道The reasonable adult part of our minds knows
这些对杀戮和死亡的恐惧不可能成真that these fears of killing and dying can't really be true
-但在我们的潜意识里几乎没有这种理性认知– but this may weigh very little in how we unconsciously feel.
有些时候 运用合理的论证并没有效果Wielding sensible arguments can at points
这就像告诉一个眩晕症患者be as effective as telling a person with vertigo
阳台不会塌 或者告诉抑郁症患者that the balcony won't collapse or a person with depression
你完全可以开心起来一样that there are perfectly good grounds to be cheerful.
因为很多想法并不遵从现实逻辑A lot of the mind is not amenable to hard-headed logic.
我们有一种固有的观念In an ancestral part of us,
在这个观念的影响下 我们认为we simply operate with a sense that going against
只要违背重要人物的意愿the wishes of a significant person will mean
就会给他们或者我们的生命带来危险either endangering their lives or our own.
想要解释这种恐惧的来源To explain the origins of such terrors,
一如既往 我们应该回看童年childhood is the place to turn,
试着说明自己为何as it always is when trying to account for
有这么多恐惧disproportionate and limitless fears.
或许我们的父母很脆弱Perhaps we are the offspring of a fragile parent
我们特别爱父母whom we loved profoundly
如果让他们失望的话 我们会很伤心and whom it would have broken our hearts to disappoint.
父母的精神或者身体上They might have been struggling with their
可能有一些疾病mental or physical health,
他们可能被其他成年人虐待过they might have been maltreated by another adult.
或许父母想依靠我们Maybe they were relying on us to hold them
帮他们远离绝望 或成为他们活下去的理由back from despair or justify their whole lives.
我们可能形成了一种早期的印象We may have derived an early impression that
我们必须遵从父母的想法we had to conform to their idea of us
如果不听话 就会给他们带来严重伤害if we weren't to cause them grave damage,
我们的愿望和需求很容易逼疯父母that our wishes and needs could easily have driven them
如果我们做自己的话to the edge, that by being more ourselves,
可能会让他们精神崩溃we might have broken their spirit.
我们实在太爱父母了 与此同时We simply loved them too much, and at the same time,
又觉得他们非常脆弱 无法接受真实的我们felt them to be too weak, to ask them to take on our reality.
我们可能在三岁的时候We can be three years old
不知不觉地and without knowing any of this consciously,
就有了这样的想法have taken such messages on board.
因此And as a result,
我们学会了安静地玩耍we might then have learnt to play very quietly,
控制我们吵闹和恶作剧的本能to reign in our boisterousness or mischievousness,
收敛我们的攻击性或特殊才智our aggression or our intelligence,
在家里 我们特别开朗 乐于帮助父母to be extremely cheerful and helpful around the house,
不为我们深爱的父母找麻烦to be ‘no trouble at all’ towards a beloved adult
毕竟他们看起来已经有很多事情要忙了who already seemed to have far too much on their plate.
或者 我们是在这种人陪伴下长大的Alternatively, we might have spent our most vulnerable years
这种人对另一个人带来的任何挫折around a person who responded to any frustration
都会表现出极度的愤怒caused by another person with extreme anger.
大家可能很难理解 一个愤怒的成年人对于It can be hard to appreciate just how terrifying
一个敏感的两岁小孩来说有多可怕an enraged adult can seem to a sensitive two year old.
惹他生气的人或许知道 这个生气的家伙Another adult might know that this red-faced figure of course
当然不会去杀人wasn't going to murder anyone,
他只是暂时发泄一下they're just letting rip for a while and
很快就会把打碎的花瓶碎片收拾掉will pick up the pieces of a smashed vase soon enough,
可是在一个孩子的眼中 这根本就不是那么回事儿but that's not at all how it can seem through a child's eyes.
小孩子怎么知道这个体积比自己大得多的人How are they to know that this person many times their size
会不会前进一步wouldn't just go one step further,
在发完火之后and at the end of their ranting,
拿起锤子砸碎自己的小脑袋pick up a hammer and smash their skull in?
他们怎么知道刚刚破门而入How can they be certain that the momentarily genuinely
失去控制的父母out of control parent who just broke the door
会不会把自己也扔到窗外呢wouldn't for that matter throw them out of the window too.
愤怒的成年人可能完全不会想到要谋杀孩子Child murder may be entirely alien to the furious adult,
但是在敏感的孩子看来 可不是这样的but that's not how it can strike a sensitive offspring.
成年人不用真的杀人 就能让孩子觉得One doesn't have to actually murder anyone to come across
仿佛他们真的会杀人一样– to an unformed mind – as someone who seriously might.
难怪我们不敢No wonder we might be a bit scared
把坏消息告诉父母of sharing some awkward news.
我们的脑海中充满了恐惧Our minds are freighted with fears that stem from things
这些恐惧源于很久以前在特定环境下发生的事情that happened under precise circumstances long ago
但在我们现在的生活中 这些恐惧仍有一种强大but that continue to have a potent, subterranean,
隐蔽 鲜为人知 并且无穷的力量scarcely recognised and immense force in our lives today.
通过回顾过去 我们应该认识到By taking stock of the past, the task is to acknowledge that
这些恐惧是非常真实的these fears are very real
但只存在一个非常有限的地方:我们自己的脑中but only in a very limited place: our own minds.
成人世界并没有这些恐惧They don't belong to adult reality.
我们担心会发生的灾难已经发生了：The catastrophe we fear will happen has already happened:
我们已经遇到过以下两种人we have already experienced someone who seemed
一种人听到过于糟糕的消息可能会自杀to risk killing themselves if the news grew too bad
而另一种人看起来可能会杀掉– and someone who looked like they were perhaps
任何让他们不高兴的人going to kill whomever displeased them.
但是这些想法只有小时候才有But these issues are firmly located in another era.
我们需要接受一个听起来We need to take on board an always
不太真实的观点 我们现在是成年人了unlikely-sounding thought, we are now adults,
这意味着我们已经足够强大which means, there is a robustness to ourselves
能够以坚定的态度和别人打交道and to our dealings with others.
另一个成年人不太可能在我们面前崩溃Another adult is highly unlikely to collapse on us
如果他们崩溃了 我们很多方法可以安慰他们and if they do, there are plenty of measures we can take.
我们知道如何直接或间接地帮助他们化解悲伤We will know how to help them cope with their grief,
他们的悲伤似乎无止无休directly and indirectly. It may seem as if it will never end,
但只有小孩会这样想 成年人不这么认为but that is a child's reasoning, not an adult's.
事实上 他们只会崩溃几个小时In reality, it will be very bad for a few hours,
或者几天甚至几周而已 但是最终or days or weeks, but then eventually, as happens,
他们都会走出悲伤 恢复心情they will get over it. They will recover their good humour,
他们在某天早上醒来时they will wake up one morning and
会发现世界并没有终结see the world hasn't ended
他们知道如何继续生活下去and that they know how to go on.
同样 他们也不会真的拿起手边的斧头Similarly, they won't actually try to pick up the nearest axe
把我们剁成碎片and chop us into small pieces.
他们可能会生气 会大吼大叫They may be furious, they may shout,
会冲我们骂脏话-但是再说一遍there may be some ugly words – but again,
现在我们长高了 是独立的人 我们能够逃跑we are now tall and independent, we can get away,
即便在极端情况下 我们也可以求助警察和律师in extremis, we have the number of the police and a lawyer,
我们可以让对方发泄愤怒we can let the fury vent,
就像飓风中坚固的桥梁一样and like a well-built bridge in a hurricane,
我们有信心 完全可以承受be utterly confident that we can withstand anything
即将发生的任何事情that will come our way.
为了让我们更有勇气提分手To further lend us courage,
我们记住分清真正善良和表面善良we should remember a distinction between
的区别being kind and seeming kind.
如果永远不激怒或伤害别人的话It can look as if the kind thing to do
就算是善良的话 - 那么is never to anger or distress someone – and therefore,
我们永远不能对爱过的人提分手never to give a person we have loved unwelcome news.
可是如果这样做 我们就忽视了一种更阴险的But that is to overlook the more insidious ways in which
毁掉别人生活的方式we can ruin someone's life.
如果不分手的话To stay with a person because
在未来的几十年中 我们会变得痛苦 刻薄we wish to avoid a few hours of unpleasantness
阴险 不忠和沮丧is no favour to them
- 那么现在我们为了让对方免于几个小时的伤心– if we then go on to be bitter, mean, snide, unfaithful
而回避矛盾 这并不是真正地为对方好and depressed around them for the next few decades.
如果我们一直在拖延 耽误别人We're not helping someone by sparing them
而不是干脆地提出分手a bad break up scene,
那么这样做并不是在帮助对方if we then deliver a life-long foot-dragging scene.
世界上有特别多的痛苦是由A surprising amount of the misery of the world
人们热衷于表面善良 或者确切的说 是由于comes from people being overly keen to appear kind
人们太懦弱不敢给别人带来短期痛苦而造成的or rather, too cowardly to cause others short term pain.
真正勇敢的分手方式是允许The truly courageous way to leave is to allow ourselves
依旧爱着我们的人对我们恨上一阵子to be hated for a while by someone who still loves us.
我们不该认为对方再也找不到We shouldn't imagine that they will never find
像我们这样的人了：他们或许现在相信这一点anyone else like us: they may believe it now
甚至会当成甜言蜜语说出来and might even sweetly tell us so.
但是当他们最终But they won't believe it
了解我们的时候 他们就不会这么想了when they finally understand who we are.
真正的善良意味着Real kindness means getting out
即使假期已经预约好 房子已经买好– even though the holiday has been booked,
婚礼也都安排好的时候 该分手还是要果断地分手the apartment paid for and the wedding arranged.
决定一个人不适合我们并没有什么错There's nothing wrong with and nothing dangerous
也没有什么危险about deciding someone isn't for us.
真正错误的行为是There is something very wrong
毁了别人的大半辈子with ruining large chunks of someone else’s life
但却还在纠结害怕while we squeamishly or fearfully
不肯离开对方hesitate to get out of the way.
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