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TED演讲：划掉"清单人生"，培养优秀的孩子！
我们期望孩子能做到完美， 而我们自己却从没做到过！
教育学者Julie Lythcott-Haims认为给孩子过高的期望，事无巨细的管理孩子的生活，这样的养育方式适得其反。她鼓励父母提供成长的环境， 通过作家务和(无条件的)爱，让他们变得强大，有能力照顾自己 ，做辉煌的自己！
演讲者：Julie Lythcott-Haims
教育学者与作家，曾任斯坦福大学新生学院的院长，同时也是两个孩子的妈妈，在她几十年的工作过程中，观察了很多的孩子的教育，并出版了书籍《how to raise an adult》
我并不打算成为育儿专家。事实上，我对育儿本身也不感兴趣。只是这些天有某种育儿风格的出现，是不利于孩子成长的，而且阻碍了他们发展自己的机会。
There’s a certain style of parenting these days that’s getting in the way. I guess what I’m saying is, we spend a lot of time being very concerned about parents who aren’t involved enough in the lives of their kids and their education or their upbringing, and rightly so.某种育儿风格的出现正阻碍着孩子的成长。各位我要说的是，我们把大量的时间花在关心哪些父母没有足够的参与孩子的生活中，他们的教育或者抚养中，理应如此。
But at the other end of the spectrum, there’s a lot of harm going on there as well, where parents feel a kid can’t be successful unless the parent is protecting and preventing at every turn, and hovering over every happening, and micromanaging every moment, and steering their kid towards some small subset of colleges and careers.但从另外一个极端来说，这样做会有很多的坏处，父母认为他们的孩子不会成功，除非有父母事事的保护和阻止，对每件事的权衡，围观管理每个时刻并引导他们对大学和职业的选择。
But not just the grades, the scores, but the accolades and the awards and the sports, the activities, the leadership. We tell our kids, don’t just join a club, start a club, because colleges want to see that. And check the box for community service. I mean, show the colleges you care about others.但不仅是成绩和分数，更是获得的表扬和奖项，还有运动活动上的，领导力上的荣誉。我们告诉他们， 别加入俱乐部，自己创建了一个，因为大学想看到这个，然后检查信箱关于社区服务的信息。我的意思是，展示给大学看你是关心别的。
And all of this is done to some hoped-for degree of perfection. We expect our kids to perform at a level of perfection. We were never asked to perform at ourselves, and so because so much is required, we think, well then, of course we parents have to argue with every teacher and principle and coach and referee and act like our kid’s concierge and personal handler and secretary.这样做都是为了达到某种完美程度的期望值。我们期待小孩表现出一定程度的完美。却没有要求自己本身去做到，因为我们认为这样做太多必要性了，我们曾与每一位老师，校长，教练，裁判员理论过表现的像是小孩的看门人，私人管家和秘书。
And then with our kids, our precious kids, we spend so much time nudging, cajoling, hinting, helping, haggling, nagging as the case may be, to be sure they’re not screwing up, not closing doors, not ruining their future, some hoped-for admission to a tiny handful of colleges that deny almost every applicant.当我们的孩子，最爱的孩子在一起时，我们根据情况花大量的时间催促，诱骗，暗示，帮助，争论，唠叨，来确保他们不搞破坏，不关门，不毁他们的前途，寄予希望他们能上几乎否认每位申请人的为数不多的大学。
And they see in our faces that our approval, that our love, that their very worth, comes from A’s. And then we walk alongside them and offer clucking praise like a trainer at the Westminster Dog Show-coaxing them to just jump a little higher and soar a little farther, day after day after day.他们从我们脸上看到我们的认可和爱，拿A时是非常有价值的。于是我们走在他们身边，给予他们咯咯的表扬，像西敏市犬展里的训练员一样，哄他们跳得更高和飞得更远一样，日复一日这么做。
And when they get to high school, they don’t say, ‘ Well, what might I be interested in studying or doing as an activity?’ They go to counselors and they say,’ What do I need to do to get into the right college?’好吧，要是我对学习或者某种活动感兴趣呢？他们会找到顾问并说，“要上到好的大学，我需要做点什么？”
And then, when the grades start to roll in in high school, and they’re getting some B’s, or God forbid some C’s, they frantically text their friends and say, ‘Has anyone ever gotten into the right college with these grades?’高中成绩出现波动的时候，他们拿到的是B或者C，他们火急火燎地发短信给他们的朋友并说道,“有人以这种成绩上到好的大学吗？”
And our kids, regardless of where they end up at the end of high school, they’re breathless. They’re a little burned out. They’re a little old before their time, wishing the grow-ups in their lives had said,’What you’ve done in enough, this effort you’ve put forth in childhood is enough.’我们的孩子，不管他们是从哪所高中毕业，他们喘不过气来，他们容易生气，他们有点精疲力尽了。他们年长了一些，并希望大人们说你所做的已经足够了，你童年所付出的努力已经足够了。
But if you llok at what we’ve done, if you have the courage to really look at it, you’ll see that not only do our kids think their worth comes from grades and scores, but that when we live right up inside their precious developing minds all the time, like our own version of the movie ‘Being John Malkovich,’ we send our children the message: ‘Hey kid, I don’t think you can actually achieve any of this without me.’但假如你看看你所做的，如果你真的有勇气看的话，你会发现孩子认为，他们的价值不仅仅来源于成绩和分数，并且我们很多时候存在于他们珍贵，正在形成的思想中。就想电影约翰.马尔科维奇的自己版本，我们向孩子传递这样的信息：我认为你要有我时你才能完成这些。
So simply put, if our children are to develop self-efficacy, and they must, then they hav to do a whole lot more of the thinking, planning, deciding, doing, hoping, coping, trial and error, dreaming, and experiencing of life for themselves。所以简单地来说，如果我们的孩子建立了自我效能感，那么他们必须做出更多人生的思考，计划，决定，活动，希望，应对，试错，梦想，和自己的经历。
Now, am I saying every kid is hard-working and motivated and doesn’t need a parent’s involvement or interest in their lives, and we should just back off and let go? Hell no. That is not what I’m saying. 现在，我说的是每位孩子都很用功和有上进心，不需要父母的参与或对他们的人生感兴趣。我们只需要退后和放手？显然不是。这不是我说的。
What I’m saying is, when we treat grades and scores and accolades and awards as the purpose of childhood, all in furtherance of some hoped-for admission to a tiny number of colleges or entrance to a small number of careers, that ’s too narrow a definition of success for our kids.我要说的是，当我们把成绩和分数，荣誉和奖项作为孩子童年的目的时，寄予希望他们能进入为数不多的大学和某个职位时，那么以这种定义孩子的成败太狭义了。
And even though we might help them achieve some short-term wins by overhelping like they get a better grade if we help them do their homework, they might end up with a longer childhood resume when we help-what I’m saying is that all of this comes at a long-term cost to their sense of self. 尽管我们通过过度帮忙实现了他们的短期胜利，就像我们协助他们做作业可能拿到更高分，在我们的协助下他们可能会以更长的童年履历结束，我想说的是所有这些长期的代价，需基于自我意识。
What I’m saying is , we should be less concerned with the specific set of colleges they might be able to apply to or might get into and far more concerned that they have the habits, the mindset, the skill set, the wellness, to be successful wherever they go.我想说的是，我们需要给予更少的关注，对于他们具体可能会申请哪所大学，参与给予更多的关注在他们形成的习惯，心态，技能，健康，无论他们去哪儿都能成功的能力。
What I’m saying is, our kids need us to be a little less obsessed with grades and scores and a whole lot more interested in childhood providing a foundation for their success built on things like love and chores.我想说的是，我们的孩子需要我们对他们的成绩和分数少一点关注，对他们的童年多一份关心。为他们的成功提供基础，比如在爱和家务活。
Did I just say chores? Did I just say chores? I really did. But really, here’s why. The longest longitudinal study of humans ever conducted is called the Harvard Grant Study. It found that professional success in life, which is what we want for our kids, that professional success in life comes from having dong chores as a kid, and the earlier you started, the better, that a roll-up-your-sleeves.我说家务活了吗？我说家务活了吗？我的确说了。原因如下，有史以来最长的纵向人类学研究是哈佛格兰特研究。研究发现生活中的职业成功，是我们想让孩子得到的。生活中的职业成功来自于孩子从小做家务活，越早开始越好，卷起衣袖。
And pitch in mindest, a mindset that says, there’s some unpleasant work, someone’s got to do it, it might as well be me, a mindset that says, I will contribute my effort to the betterment of the whole, that’s what gets you ahead in the workplace.一种出一份力的心态，有些不尽人意的活，不得不去做的，这个人可能是我，我将贡献我的努力去改善，这点会使你在职场中遥遥领先。
Now, we all know this. You know this. We all know this, and yet, in the checklisted childhood, we absolve our kids of doing the work of chores around the house, and then they end up as young adults in the workplace still waiting for a checklist, but it doesn’t exist, and more importantly, lacking the impulse, the instinct to roll up their sleeves, and pitch in and look around and wonder, how can I be useful to my colleagues?How can I anticipate a few steps ahead to what my boss might need?现在，我们都知道这点，你也知道。我们都知道这些，然而在清单式童年中，我们不要孩子来做家务，他们最终成为职场中的年轻人，仍旧等待着不存在的清单，更重要的是他们缺乏冲动，卷起衣袖的本能，贡献一份力量并环顾四周想知道，怎样我才能有所作为？我怎么能提前预测几步知道老板需要什么？
A second very important finding from the Harvard Grand Study said that happiness in life comes from love, not love of work, love of humans: our spouse, our partner, our friends, our family.哈佛格兰特研究中第二个非常重要的发现是生活中的快乐来源于爱，不是对工作的爱，而是人与人之间的爱：我们的爱人，伙伴，朋友，假如。
So childhood needs to teach our kids how to love, and the they can’t love others if they don’t first love themselves, and they won’t themselves if we can’t offer them unconditional love.因此从小需要教孩子如何去爱，如果不首先爱上自己，就不能爱别人，如果我们没有提供无条件的爱，他们就无法爱自己。
Right. And so, instead of being obsessed with grades and scores, when our precious offspring come home from school, or we come home from work, we need to close our technology, put away our phones, and look them in the eye, and let them see the joy that fills our faces, when we see our child for the first time in a few hours.因此与其沉迷于成绩和分数，当我们最爱的孩子放学回家时，或者我们下班回家，我们需要关闭设备，放下手机，看着他们的眼睛，让他们看到我们满脸的快乐。
And then we have to say,’ How was your day? What did you like about today?’ And when your teenage daughter says,’Lunch,’ like mine did, and I want to hear about the math test, not lunch, you have to still take an interest in lunch. You gotta say, ‘What was great about lunch today?’我们应该说，你今天怎么样啦？今天你喜欢的事情是什么？当你女儿说，“午餐，” 和我一样，我想听的是数学测验而不是午餐，你应该仍然把注意力放在午餐上。你要说“今天的午餐好在哪里啊？”
They need to know they matter to us as humans, not because of their GPA. All right, so you’re thinking, chores and love, that sounds all well and good, but give me a break. The colleges want to see top scores and grades and accolades and awards, and I’m going to tell you, sort of.他们需要知道他们对我们来说很重要，这并不是因为他们的平均成绩。现在你正在想着家务活和爱。这听起来不错，但让我休息一下。大学想要看到高分数好成绩和荣誉奖项，我想说的是，在一定程度上是。
The very biggest brand-name schools are asking that of our young adults, but here’s the good news. Contrary to what the college rankings racket would have us believe-you don’t have to go to one of the biggest brand name schools to be happy and successful in life.最有名的名牌大学会问年轻人，但这里有好消息。相反美国大学排行榜让我们相信-你不一定非要去最有名的一所大学才算得上快乐和成功。
Happy and successful people went to state school, went to a small college no one has heard of, went to community college, went to a college over here and flunked out.快乐和成功的人们去公立学校，去一些没人听过的大学，或者社区大学，来到大学，考试不及格。
The evidence is in this room, is in our communities, that this is the truth. And if we could widen our blinders and be willing to look at a few more colleges, maybe remove our own egos from the equation, we could accept and embrace this truth and then realize, it is hardly the end of the world, if our kids don’t go to one of those big brand-name schools.证据就在我们这里，在我们的社区，这是事实。如果我们可以拓宽眼界，并乐意多看几所大学，也许能从这种情况中消除自我，我们接受这个事实并意识到，如果我们的孩子不能上名牌大学，这不是世界末日。
And more importantly, if their childhood has not been lived, according to tyrannical checklist then when they get to college, whichever one it is, well, they’ll have gone there on their own volition, fueled by their own desire, capable and ready to thrive there.更重要的是，如果他们的童年不是遵循残暴的清单，那么当他们上了大学，无论哪一所大学，他们是凭着意志力取得的，由他们自己的渴望促成，有能力茁壮成长。
I have to admit something to you. I’ve got two kids I mentioned, Sawyer and Avery. They’re teenagers. And once upon a time, I think I was treating my Sawyer and Avery like little bonsai trees-that I was going to carefully clip and prune and shape into some perfect form of a human one of the most highly selective colleges.我不得不向你们承认，之前提到的那两个孩子索耶和艾佛利。他们是青少年，曾经几何，我认为我对待索耶和艾佛利像小盆景，我要仔细修剪形成某些人类的完美形式，其中一所名牌大学。
But I’ve come to realize, after working with thousands of other people’s kids-and raising two kids of my own, my kids aren’t bonsai trees. They’re wildflowers of an unknown genus and species-and it’s my job to provide a nourishing environment, to strengthen them through chores and to love them so they can love others and receive love and the college, the major, the career, that’s up to them.但我已经意识到，在与成千上万个孩子一起工作后，并自己培育两个小孩，我的小孩不是盆景数。他们是未知物种的野花，我的工作是提供营养丰富的环境，从家务活和爱他们中让他们变的更加坚强，因此他们能爱别人并接受到爱，对于大学，专业，职业，这取决于他们。
My job is not to make them become what I would have them become, but to support them in becoming their glorious selves.Thank you！我的工作不是使他们成为我所想的模样，而是支持他们成为最好的自己。谢谢。
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