TED演讲：一个很特别但常被忽略的角度跟孩子谈论「性」

今天推荐一个超过30万人点击的TED，它从一个很特别但是常被忽略的角度谈论「性」。你的父母跟你谈过性吗？怎么谈的？你有想过以后自己有孩子了，怎么和他们讲这个问题吗？

我一直觉得，父母是孩子的起跑线，我们给他们最初的土壤，在这些土壤之上，他们自由生长，长成他们自己的样子。

演说者：Sue Jaye Johnson

演说题目：What we don't teach kids about sex

TED视频

https://mp.weixin.qq.com/mp/readtemplate?t=pages/video_player_tmpl&action=mpvideo&auto=0&vid=wxv_1566110203236974596

TED演讲稿

I remember my aunt brushing my hair when I was a child. I felt this tingling in my stomach, this swelling in my belly. All her attention on me, just me. My beautiful Aunt Bea, stroking my hair with a fine-bristled brush. Do you have a memory like that that you can feel in your body right now?

我还记得小时候，阿姨给我梳头发的情景。我感到肚子有些麻痛，胃有点涨。她所有的注意力都在我身上，只在我身上。我那漂亮的Bea阿姨，正在用一把上好的梳子帮我梳头。你们有过这样的回忆吗？现在还能够感觉到的。

Before language, we're all sensation. As children, that's how we learn to differentiate ourselves in the world --through touch. Everything goes in the mouth, the hands, on the skin. Sensation-- it is the way that we first experience love. It's the basis of human connection. 

在学习语言之前，我们都是靠感觉的。作为孩子，那就是我们学习的途径通过触摸来区分自己和世界。通过嘴巴，双手和肌肤来接触一切。感觉是我们首次体验爱的方式。这也是人类连接的基础。

We want our children to grow up to have healthy intimate relationships. So as parents, one of the things that we do is we teach our children about sex. We have books to help us, we have sex ed at school for the basics. There's porn to fill in the gaps -- and it will fill in the gaps.

我们想让孩子们长大后能拥有健康亲密的关系。所以为人父母，其中一件事情就是教孩子性知识。我们有书本来帮助我们，我们有学校里面的性教育基础课，还有小黄片来查漏补缺。它确实可以查漏补缺。

We teach our children "the talk" about biology and mechanics, about pregnancy and safe sex, and that's what our kids grow up thinking that sex is pretty much all about. But we can do better than that. 

我们跟孩子说教生物机制的知识，怀孕与安全性行为的知识，这就是孩子们长大后会把性联系在一起的东西。但我们可以做得更好。

We can teach our sons and daughters about pleasure and desire, about consent and boundaries, about what it feels like to be present in their body and to know when they're not. And we do that in the ways that we model touch, play, make eye contact -- all the ways that we engage their senses. We can teach our children not just about sex, but about sensuality.

我们可以教会儿女们什么是欢愉和欲望，什么是同意和界限，以及身体的感受，并分清是与否。我们可以通过模拟触碰，玩耍，做眼神交流，等等所有可以调动他们感觉的方式来教育他们。我们不仅能教孩子们性，还能教他们感受。

This is the kind of talk that I needed as a girl. I was extremely sensitive, but by the time I was an adolescent, I had numbed out. The shame of boys mocking my changing body and then girls exiling me for, ironically, my interest in boys, it was so much. I didn't have any language for what I was experiencing; 

我还是小女孩时就很需要这种对话。我当时极度敏感，但当我步入青春期时，我已经变得迟钝了。男孩们嘲笑身体变化带来的羞耻感，女孩们也孤立我，讽刺的是，我对于男生的兴趣是如此强烈。我甚至找不出言语来形容当时的体验。

I didn't know it was going to pass. So I did the best thing I could at the time and I checked out. And you can't isolate just the difficult feelings, so I lost access to the joy, the pleasure, the play, and I spent decades like that, with this his low-grade depression, thinking that this is what it meant to be a grown-up.

我不知道这一阶段会经历过去。所以我做了当时能做到的最好的事，我退缩走开。但你无法隔离那艰难的感受，所以我失去了那个年纪的愉悦，开心，玩耍的机会。我十多年的时间就这样子度过，与这种抑郁低落的心情作伴。

For the past year, I've been interviewing men and women about their relationship to sex and I've heard my story again and again. Girls who were told they were too sensitive, too much. Boys who were taught to man up -- "don't be so emotional." I learned I was not alone in checking out. It was my daughter who reminded me of how much I used to feel. 

以为这就是成长需要经历的东西。在过去一年里，我曾采访过一些男性和女性关于他们和性的关系，然后也不止一次听到了和自己类似的故事。女孩子被说教称她们过于敏感，男孩则被教导需要有男子气概，“不要这么情绪化。”于是我知道并不只我一个人退缩离开。是我女儿提醒了我过去的感受。

We were at the beach. It was this rare day. I turned off my cell phone, put in the calendar, "Day at the beach with the girls." I laid our towels down just out of reach of the surf and fell asleep. And when I woke up, I saw my daughter drizzling sand on her arm like this, and I could feel that light tickle of sand on her skin and I remembered my aunt brushing my hair. 

我们当时躺在沙滩上，那是一个难得的天气，我关掉了我的手机，在日历本上写下“和女儿在沙滩的日子”。在海水漫延不到的地方，我躺在我们的毛巾上，然后沉睡了下去。当我起来的时候，我看见女儿把沙子洒在她的胳膊上，就像这样。我可以感到痒痒的沙子摩擦皮肤的感觉，然后我又回想起阿姨轻梳我头发的情景。

So I curled up next to her and I drizzled sand on her other arm and then her legs. And then I said, "Hey, you want me to bury you?" And her eyes got really big and she was like, "Yeah!" So we dug a hole and I covered her in sand and shells and drew this little mermaid tail. And then I took her home and lathered her up in the shower and massaged her scalp and I dried her off in a towel. 

所以我在她身边蜷缩着，把沙子洒在她另一条胳膊上，再之后腿上。然后我说“嘿，你想要我用沙子埋了你吗？”她的眼睛瞬间睁得很大，然后兴奋地说“好啊！”所以我们挖了一个大洞，然后我用沙子和贝壳把她埋住，然后画了条小美人鱼尾巴。之后我带着她回家，在洗澡时给她全身打满泡泡，按摩她的头发，然后用毛巾把她擦干。

And I thought, "Ah. How many times had I done that --bathed her and dried her off -- but had I ever stopped and paid attention to the sensations that I was creating for her?" I'd been treating her like she was on some assembly line of children needing to be fed and put to bed. 

然后我想：“啊，我做这件事多少次了“帮她揉泡泡，然后把她擦干。但我有停下来观察她对我做的这些事情的感觉吗？“一直以来，我对待她就像她在流水线上一样，就如同孩子被喂饱之后再被带到床上。

And I realized that when I dry my daughter off in a towel tenderly the way a lover would, I'm teaching her to expect that kind of touch. I'm teaching her in that moment about intimacy. About how to love her body and respect her body. I realized there are parts of the talk that can't be conveyed in words.

然后我意识到当我用毛巾以一种爱人的温柔擦干她身体时，实际上我当时正在教导她对这种温柔的触摸抱以期待。我在教导她一种亲昵行为。以及怎样爱护她的身体并尊重她的身体。我意识到这是一场无法用言语来交流的谈话。

In her book, "Girls and Sex," writer Peggy Orenstein finds that young women are focusing on their partner's pleasure, not their own. This is something I'm going to talk about with my girls when they're older, but for now, I look for ways to help them identify what gives them pleasure and to practice articulating that. 

在一本名为“女孩和性爱”的书中，作者PeggyOrenstein发现，年轻的女孩子更注重她们伴侣的欢愉，而不是她们自己的。这就是我要与我的女儿，当她们长大后，所要讨论的。但是目前，我在寻找让她们识别能够带来欢愉的方法，并练习如何表达愉悦。

"Rub my back," my daughter says when I tuck her in. And I say, "OK, how do you want me to rub your back?" "I don't know," she says. So I pause, waiting for her directions. Finally she says, "OK, up and to the right, like you're tickling me." I run my fingertips up her spine. "What else?" I ask. "Over to the left, a little harder now."

“擦我后背。”在我用毛巾包裹住女儿时，她说然后我说“好的，你希望我怎样擦你后背呢？”“我不知道，”她说。所以我停了下来，等待着她指示。最后她说“好吧，向上然后到右边就像你挠我痒痒一样。”然后我的手指就向上滑动到她的脊柱。“还要别的吗？”我问，“再左边，稍微用力一点。”

We need to teach our children how to articulate their sensations so they're familiar with them. I look for ways to play games with my girls at home to do this. I scratch my fingernails on my daughter's arm and say, "Give me one word to describe this."

我们需要教会孩子们怎样准确表达他们的感受，这样他们才可以更熟悉自己。我寻找和女儿们通过在家里玩游戏来达到这个目的的方法。我用指甲刮着女儿的胳膊然后说：“给个词语来形容下这个。”

"Violent," she says. I embrace her, hold her tight. "Protected," she tells me. I find opportunities to tell them how I'm feeling, what I'm experiencing, so we have common language. Like right now, this tingling in my scalp down my spine means I'm nervous and I'm excited.

“粗暴”她说。之后我拥抱了她，紧紧地抱住她。“受保护，”她说。我找到了机会告诉她们我的感受，我的经历是什么，所以我们有了共同语言。就像现在这样，像这样头皮发麻，脊背发凉意味着我很不安，很激动。

You are likely experiencing sensations in response to me. The language I'm using, the ideas I'm sharing. And our tendency is to judge these reactions and sort them into a hierarchy: better or worse, and then seek or avoid them. And that's because we live in this binary culture and we're taught from a very young age to sort the world into good and bad.

你们可能因为我的描述而有了一种感官感受。我正在使用的语言，我正在分享的想法。我们趋向于评判这些反应，然后把它们划分阶级：好的还是坏的。然后寻找解决办法或者避免它。因为我们居住在这个二元社会我们很小的时候就被教导把世界分成好的和坏的一面。

"Did you like that book?" "Did you have a good day?" How about, "What did you notice about that story?" "Tell me a moment about your day. What did you learn?" Let's teach our children to stay open and curious about their experiences, like a traveler in a foreign land. And that way they can stay with sensation without checking out -- even the heightened and challenging ones -- the way I did, the way so many of us have.

“你喜欢那本书吗？”“你今天过得好吗？”为什么不换成，“书上什么吸引了你？”“说说今天有啥精彩的。““你学到了什么？”让我们教会孩子对于他们的经历保持开放和好奇的态度，就像一个到陌生岛屿的旅行者。这样他们就可以与感受相处，而不是想要逃避。即便在最具有挑战的环境中。而非像我以及我们很多人那样去逃避。

This sense education, this is education I want for my daughters. Sense education is what I needed as girl. It's what I hope for all of our children. This awareness of sensation, it's where we began as children. It's what we can learn from our children and it's what we can in turn remind our children as they come of age.

这种感觉的教育，是我想要为我女儿们带来的教育，也是我在作为一个女孩时需要得到的教育，是我希望普及给所有孩子的教育。这种感觉意识，是我们作为儿童的开始，是我们可以从孩子身上学到的东西，也是我们可以反过来在孩子们逐渐长大时提醒他们的东西。

Thank you.(Applause)

谢谢大家。

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