Pillow Talk: Soothing Sexual Tensions With Your Partner
We were struggling to find a title for this article about sex and then realized the hesitation was a reflection of the discomfort regarding sexuality in our modern world. Our different cultural backgrounds in the East and West and familial repressions create an ignorance of and uneasiness with the topic.
Ironically, this discomfort is in inverse proportion to the importance and prevalence of sex in our lives.
We see this general lack of knowledge and information in our office with the many clients that arrive asking questions about sex or often wanting to ask but feeling shy.
Picture source: Bigstock
A critical part of human sexuality is the simple and powerful desire for sensual pleasure (i.e., the stimulation of the senses, the response of nerve endings, and the release of pleasure hormones in the brain).
Infants desire touch and comfort and learn from an early age what they like and don't like. As adults, we continue to desire such stimulation, although the responses and particular cravings will vary widely from person to person.
It is interesting to note that many infants learn that pain is essential to survival and will develop patterns within themselves that recreate the conditions for pain as adults, not just in their sexuality but also in the style of their lives.
So our unconscious brains create fascinating relationship arrangements and sensual preferences – remember, we are talking here about the stimulation of nerve endings, not the development of intimate and personal relationships.
Picture source: Bigstock
Secondly, as children, we do our best to survive and cope in an overwhelming world full of influential people who control our lives and hopefully ensure our survival. At the same time, as our bodies develop, we explore the pleasures and pain of feeding, toilet training, being handled by others, touching ourselves and others, and interacting with our environments.
The combined factors of survival and childhood physical development work together to create mighty unconscious forces, especially between the ages of three and seven. What we experience at that time remains within us for a lifetime and dictates much of our interest in sexuality, including our fears, anxieties, and desires.
Therefore, unraveling the origins of each person's sexual preferences and excitement would involve the impossible task of understanding all of our infant and childhood experiences.
As humans, our brains are great at imagining at creating romances about many things, including relationships, careers, children, travel, money, and activities of various sorts, including sex.
"Romance" answers our desires and fears and allows the illusion of a perfect future. During times of romance, we have energy and optimism, and everything is more than satisfactory. Romance can be an effective catalyst in life, although we should remember it and try not to lose too much perspective!
Romance is a very powerful mental force that research shows is actually a change in our brain chemistry, causing what we could conclude is a form of temporary "mental illness," complete with delusions and loss of touch with reality.
Picture source: Bigstock
Romance within our sexuality ensures that it is not the people with us that are important but rather the fantasy life that is occurring within our unconscious minds. Romance is a powerful aphrodisiac because it provides the perfect turn-on.
This excitement surrounding persons unfamiliar to us is why the beginnings of relationships are so exciting (and is why masturbation, affairs, romance novels/movies/songs, and prostitution are all so widespread).
Over time, within a relationship, our partner becomes less a blank screen of fantasy and more a real person, making it difficult to keep up these projections. Sexual excitement fades as people get more familiar, and most people believe this is a sign of trouble within the relationship.
However,
fading sexual excitement points to a deepening knowledge of the other and
growing intimacy, the basis for a mature and fulfilling relationship
experience. Sexual excitement with the same partner does not naturally and
easily stay at the same level through the years. It requires deliberate effort.
If partners are willing to communicate with courage and good intentions, they can generate the conditions needed for exploring their sexual preferences. This might involve exploring sensual desires, playing with fantasies, or re-energizing a romance. It all depends on the people involved and their willingness to accept themselves and their partners respectfully.
So, what is normal or abnormal? If you consider that everything is just a preference created within the individual from a complicated set of factors that are likely impossible to sort out, then when preferences are acted upon between consenting adults (or alone!), everything is just fine.
An exploration of our sexuality is an opportunity to learn about ourselves, our partners, and our limits. It is an effective exercise in deepening a relationship. The keys are communication and acceptance of the self and others within the seemingly unlimited realm of human sexuality. This creates an opportunity for personal growth, deepening intimacy, an exploration of who we are, and an opening of our minds to the many possibilities of being human.
If you and your partner would like to discuss relationship issues or sexual tensions, an appointment with a BJU counselor could provide a helpful start to healing your problems.
Our counseling team consists of a group of counselors with extensive experience and international backgrounds, specializing in all kinds of psychological problems and emotional guidance.
Our services are available to people facing general psychological challenges or stressful situations, including expatriates and Chinese adults, adolescents, and children.
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