5 Years Of Dating Someone From A Different Culture
Stuart is an American expat who has lived in China for several years, where he met his current partner who is from China. They have been together almost 5 years now. He shares his thoughts on dating someone from a different cultural background.
"Why are you dating this person?"
Usually people answer that question with basic responses: I’m attracted to them; they make me laugh; or we have a lot of common interests. And when we date someone from the same cultural background, a lot of these components are already in place.
Consider for a moment sense of humor. It is usually grounded culturally in some way. It might seem obvious, but people from different backgrounds think differently, and that doesn’t just have to be people from different countries.
Ever seen a rich person/someone who likes to spend a lot, date someone who grew up poor/is frugal? It causes tension that otherwise wouldn’t exist if they had the same viewpoint on money ingrained into them. And the same is true with a sense of humor. The way we interpret and form jokes is culturally rooted.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve listened to Chinese comedians or jokes that revolve around someone saying a tone incorrectly (thus resulting in a different word being said), or in interpreting the correct pronunciation and associating it with a homophone.
Not only does this seem strange to me as an American, but it seems doubly so because I grew up with a speech impediment, so making fun of anyone for misspeaking seems taboo. (Even if I chuckle at first, it is usually automatic for me to apologize right after).
I could create as many examples with common interests as well, but I’ll spare us the extended, unnecessary examples.
So the question should be: why are you dating this person from a different culture/country? It’s a complicated answer and one that will wildly vary for each person.
Ultimately the answer boils down to two strong components:
Open-mindedness/desire to have new experiences
What you were seeking in a partner you could not find in your own culture.
Speaking from personal experience, when I’ve asked Asian women why they are dating me, they’ve given me a variety of answers, but mainly because they expect that an American/white American will look at women differently and, as a result, treat them and the relationship differently from the Asian men in their country. My response to them is usually similar.
Awesome…now two people have decided to date, but we all know most relationships fail, unless you’re married and have been so for 50 years straight.
Open-mindedness is the other component that intercultural relationships really needs. You have to be willing to experience the other person’s culture through their eyes. Which may be uncomfortable for most people from time to time.
If you can move from discomfort to acceptance, you’re on the right track.
If you find that transition intolerable, you’re not ready for an intercultural relationship. And there’s nothing wrong with that.
There are going to be lots of moments where this happens, ranging from small matters (what kinds of food, music, and activities you routinely take part in) to large (where do you live together long term; the involvement of other family members/parents; and should you have children: how will you raise them?)
The most important thing to bear in mind is that NO ONE is right. My mother used to tell me often: “would you rather be happy or right?” And of course, naively, I thought why can’t I be both?
And there will be times when that happens, but don’t expect that to be the norm. Both of you (and to some extent, both of your cultures) will be wrong and need adjustment to the current situation. This is not to say one culture is better, or one person smarter/more right.
Ultimately, to make intercultural dating work, you’ll need components from both cultures to be present and respected, even cherished.
But at the end of the day, you’ll both be dating by a culture norm that the two of you create all by yourselves. Other people may not like it or accept it, but who cares? It’s right for the both of you and makes you both happy.
So there Mom, I did get both in the long run.
Date Night China is your podcast guide to dating in China. Listen to the latest episodes on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or your favorite podcast app!
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