7 Ways We've Made Our Long Distance Relationship Work
Author: Stuart R
I have had the pleasure of being in a relationship for a few years now. Sadly, the majority of that time has been long distance. No relationship starts out with this as the goal, but life has a way of changing things: offering new opportunities for one or both partners.
My girlfriend and I have been together for almost 5 years now, and for about 3 of those years we’ve lived in different cities/countries with very large time zone differences in most cases.
Here are 7 ways we’ve made long-distance work.
1. Communication
We send messages every day, have a few video calls a week, and even write to each other. This might seem common place, but it isn’t. Because we live separate, we have to be more detailed. She tells me about all of her friends and their interactions, and I do the same. We vent to each other. We even vent about each other. You simply can’t hold back… which brings me to my next point….
2. Be Honest With Yourself and Your Partner
It’s super easy to hide something from someone who isn’t around, either by omission or lying. The more you do either, the less connected that person is going to feel to your life, and the less you’ll feel they really understand you. This just weakens the connection, which is the death nell of any relationship.
The real question is: why are you hiding something? If you didn’t want the other person finding out about it, then maybe you shouldn’t have done it. No one is perfect; we all fuck up from time to time. Own up to it, apologize if necessary, and then move on, if you can. And if you can’t, you weren’t ready for a long-distance relationship,and maybe not even a serious relationship. Hand in hand with this is the assumption of trust: you need to believe the other person’s honesty.
3. Enhance What You Do Have
Enhance what you do have: I have always liked being busy socially, but in a long-distance relationship, I exert more effort and attention into spending time with friends and to strengthen those bonds.
I have been very honest with my girlfriend and telling her that I tend to have more close friends who are women. Sometimes that means I go out to dinner, have long, personal talks, make roadtrips, and other activities with my female friends one on one. These women typically give me the most support to keep going in my long-distance relationship. And I encourage my girlfriend to do the same thing.
This can also be about learning something new: developing a new skill, learning a new language, or exploring a new hobby. Fill that time with something or else you might spend it feeling like you are missing out on something.
4. “Open” Relationship
If you think about it, all relationships don’t have guarantees. People stay monogamous for as long as they want. Then, if they are being honest with themselves and their partner, they break up BEFORE they start seeing/sleeping with someone else. (But the not so honest people start the sleeping around part first…)
Even if you live with the person you are dating/married to, you need to think about everyday of that relationship as an active choice to BE WITH that person. If you wake up one day with doubts, that’s normal. If those doubts persist, maybe you don’t have the right match for you.
5. Find Ways To Do Something Special For the Other Person
My girlfriend sends me packages, and if I knew a proper shipping address for her, I’d do the same. We also write in ‘journals’ whenever we are thinking about the other person, our relationship, or something substantial in life. (Typically we do this when the other person is unavailable, asleep or occupied). Then when we get together, we exchange books.
We also have phone calls when one or both of us have trouble sleeping. Knowing the other person is there is a big comfort and helps us get meaningful rest. It also has the benefit of listening to the other person make funny or cute noises in their sleep.
6. Tolerance
There’s a reason you started dating that other person. They might be ‘perfect’ for you, but that doesn’t mean that person is perfect by any means. The same things that annoyed you when the two of you were in the same place are going to annoy you when you’re apart. It’s just about how much you can keep those ‘faults’ in context of the actual impact it has on you.
Most of these pet peeves are just that, but some of them may be deal breakers. Whichever they are, deal with them - accept them and move on OR don’t and be happy with that decision also.
7. Have A Long Term View
You’re putting up with this period of separation for a purpose. What is that purpose? If it’s just so that you won’t be alone, you’re going to be super unhappy. But if it’s about being with this particular person, then you need to focus your efforts on that end result. Every part of this process is done to ensure its successful conclusion.
Ways To Make Your Long-Distance Relationship Work
This is just a summarized list, but it’s basically the formula that my girlfriend and I have followed. Make no mistake: it’s not going to be easy. Relationships still take a lot of work, and you’re not going to get as many of the positive benefits of intimacy and togetherness that some of your other friends will have around you.
But if you know you’ve found the right person for you, you’re also going to avoid alot of the heartbreak and annoyance your friends have from dating the wrong person.
Read more from Stuart: 5 Years Of Dating Someone From A Different Culture
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