4 Ways NOT to Communicate in a Relationship

Conflict in a relationship is inevitable, and a normal and even healthy part of a relationship. It’s how you actually deal with conflict that can potentially be problematic.

Research shows that there are 4 negative communication patterns that many couples do regularly when trying to solve conflicts. These are usually such toxic communication styles to a relationship that they’ve been dubbed “The 4 Horsemen,” as in, the 4 horsemen of the apocalypse, according to John Gottman. 

John Gottman, Ph. D. is a well-known marriage and relationship psychologist who has over 40 years of experience observing how couples interact with each other. Through his research and observations, he has identified the components of what makes a successful and stable relationship, and has also recognized positive and negative communication styles couples use. 

In relationship terms, The Four Horsemen are Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling. 

Note: If you like this article, make sure you check out our Chatroom Live Event THIS Wednesday where we'll go into more detail about Gottman and the 4 Horsemen. Details at the bottom of the page.

Criticism: 

Verbally attacking a partner’s personality or character. Criticism could be saying, “I can’t believe you forgot to go to the grocery store, of course you’d forget that” instead of saying “I’m upset that you didn’t go to the grocery store.”

Contempt: 

Attacking your partner’s sense of self with an intention to insult. Contempt can take the form of eye rolling, cynicism, name-calling, mocking, and hostile humor. Conflict escalates as a result of contempt, because you’re giving a message of disgust towards the other person.

Defensiveness: 

Seeing yourself as the victim to ward off a perceived attacked and reverse the blame. Defensiveness is simply a way of placing blame on one partner by saying, “It’s not my fault, it’s yours.”

Stonewalling: 

Withdrawing from the relationship as a way to avoid conflict in efforts to convey disapproval, distance, and separation. Stonewalling is refusing to respond to your partner in order to avoid feeling flooded by an emotionally charged situation.

So what are the Antidotes to these Four Horsemen?

Being able to identify the Four Horsemen when you are having conflict discussions with your partner is an important first step to eliminate them and replace them with healthy productive communication styles.

In our upcoming Chatroom Live Event, a mental health expert from CandleX will be discussing the Four Horseman, along with the Antidotes to solve them. 

Do you need to be in a relationship to join the event? 

Not at all. Whether you're single, dating, in a couple, or whatever your relationship status and preference is, anyone is welcome to join. We all experience some kind of conflict in relationships, and the conflict resolution tools that our expert will discuss are great tools for anyone to use.

Chatroom Live Event

• Time: Wednesday, May 12th from 8:00pm - 10:30pm at 4Corners in Beijing.

• Tickets: Scan the QR code on the flyer to add the DNC WeChat Account and buy a ticket. 

• This event is raising money for the CandleX charity. 75% of our profits from the night will go to CandleX's mental health support group to support their work in China. 

Read more about the event: 

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Date Night China is a digital media platform and events organization based in Beijing that aims to build a positive community and share stories about relationships and dating in China. Follow our Wechat Account for the latest articles, new podcast episodes, and upcoming events.