How To Build an Interdependent Relationship
Nestled in the hutongs south of Lama Temple, the Beijing Mindfulness Centre was founded in 2015 to promote, teach, and coach secular mindfulness and mindfulness-based practice for individuals and organizations.
Dalida, founder of the Beijing Mindfulness Center, and Julia, her partner and a BMC coach, will be facilitating a program called Courageous Couples this August 22. In this program they will help other couples to prepare for or transition into an interdependent relationship.
Julia and Dalida explain more about what interdependence means and why it's important for couples to communicate in an authentic and courageous way together.
What does Courageous Couple mean?
Courageous means two things: being able to courageously express ourselves (saying what we need, what we want and we don’t want), and courageously hearing how our words and behaviors impact our loved ones, especially when there is hurt and anger, without feeling guilty nor to react into defensiveness.
The result of being courageous is aliveness and vitality. Without courage to express and hear in the coupleship, the connection fades away because there is no more vitality. Being courageous also means addressing difficult topics early enough, instead of waiting to pile up 10 years of silent resentment.
"Staying curious and open-minded while listening to someone who feels hurt and angry describe the impact of your behavior takes willingness and courage." Toni Herbine-Blank and Martha Sweezy
What are your goals in helping couples with this program?
We see our relationships as part of our personal growth as well as part of our spiritual journey. The relationships that are intimate are most challenging, because we easily get triggered. We want couples to ease off on idea of trying to be a perfect couple. There is no such a thing as a perfect couple, and there is not an end to the journey, we keep growing, individually and as a team. So that’s our first goal, to normalize difficulties in the couple ship. Another goal is to equip couples with tools to become more courageous and safe to be vulnerable with their partner.
Being courageous leads to living an interdependent relationship. As an interdependent couple we partner with each other to grow as a whole human being, we support each other to understand ourselves better, to know what we need, and to get what we need, without feeling weight of responsibility for the other. This is a tricky equilibrium: how to be caring and 100% responsible, without feeling pressure or toxicity of co-dependent relationships.
More about what interdependent relationships are and are not: Living an Interdependent Couple Relationship
What are a few challenges many couples face when in an interdependent couple relationship, or challenges you have faced yourselves?
We have shared some of our challenges in those two articles:
Julia: My challenge was to express my need for space, and to let Dalida understand that it was nothing against her. It took us a few years to break through that pattern. Conversely, Dalida had difficulties to say “no” to my request for connection, when she didn’t feel like connecting. Eventually we came to the point where Dalida accepts and supports my need for space, and I support her in saying “no” by reminding her from time to time that I will still love her if she says no. Spending 24h together during COVID last year was also an intense challenge. In addition to all of that we work together, which gives us a lot of opportunities for conflict and disagreements.
How can couples communicate and be more authentic and courageous with each other?
We base our teachings mostly on NonViolent Communication (NVC) and Mindful Self Compassion (MSC): the first gives tools to express our needs, and deepen our empathy to hear the needs of our loved one, and the second helps to be our own source of warmth and soothing so we don’t entirely depend on our partner when we go through difficult emotions. There are books available in English and Chinese on those both topics.
Any other tips or advice you could share about this program or for couples?
We like to bring mindfulness and NVC principles in our interactions, but these are not the only tools out there. Stay curious and open to change, especially before children arrive (if you are planning a family). We would love to hear about personal stories of how couples relate to each other and what are tips for keeping the relationship alive
More About The Beijing Mindfulness Centre
We promote principles of mindful living for mental, physical, emotional and spiritual health. Through mindful communication with self and others we create safe environment for self-expression and interconnectedness. Growth mindset, self-awareness, curiosity, positivity and empathy are our guiding principles.
We offer mindfulness related programs, such as Mindful Self Compassion, Non Violent Communication, Zhineng Qigong, as well as more specific programs for couples, teens, and mindfulness training for coaches. We also have drop-in classes on Monday evenings and Wednesday mornings whose content depends on what topics participants bring on that day. In addition, we give 1-on-1 coaching sessions for private clients.
You can follow us on WeChat by searching “MindfulnessBeijing”, and on our website at www.beijingmindfulness.com
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Date Night China is a digital media platform and events organization based in Beijing that aims to build a positive community and share stories about relationships and dating in China. Follow our Wechat Account for the latest articles, new podcast episodes, and upcoming events.