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56岁，一个叫苏敏的女人决定离家出走
2020年9月23日，一个叫苏敏的56岁女人，开始了一场只有启程、不问归期的离家出走。
这是一个平常的秋日早晨，却是苏敏另一场人生的开始。
她开车驶出地下车库，看着女儿的身影逐渐消失在后视镜里；她继续往前开，开出小区院门，混入主街车流；她上了高速，越开越快，最后离开了郑州地界。
然后她再也没有停下来。
从那一刻起，她不再是外婆、母亲、妻子、女儿，她只是她自己。
Su Min was approaching a wharf in the southern China city of Shantou when we contacted her. By then, she'd traveled some 8,000 kilometers on a solo road trip. "I'm heading further south to Hainan. It's warm there in the winter," she told us over the phone while she kept cutting in and out due to bad cellular reception.
01
一场“蓄谋已久”的出逃
2020年12月，一则名为#50岁阿姨自驾游#的微博话题刷屏网络，一夜之间引爆舆论。
这个话题的女主人公便是苏敏，她的实际年龄是56岁。
这场一开始被很多人视为“中年妇女的叛逆”的出逃，并非是苏敏的一时兴起，而是她在履行完所有社会与家庭责任后，与前半生“蓄谋已久”的告别。
Three months ago, Su, 56, left her home in central Henan Province, took the car she had bought with a loan, and drove down south. Her decision was not made on a whim, but instead an enactment of a meticulous plan to flee from an abusive marriage of 30 years during which she made several suicide attempts. She started preparing for the trip in the winter of 2019 when she came across an online article in which a blogger talked about driving through the country alone. "Suddenly I realized life could be like that!" Su said.
Since then, she'd been spending spare moments amid the hustle and bustle of daily household chores to look for destinations and travel gear ranging from tents and mini fridges to cooking utensils. Day by day, she'd gotten everything ready in secret for her road trip. That day was September 23, after her twin grandsons entered kindergarten and no longer needed her daily care.
"I've fulfilled my duty as a wife, a mother and grandmother," she told us.
苏敏出生在20世纪60年代的一个援藏家庭。
按照她自己的话说，她生命的前半程，“忍耐”是贯穿全程的旋律——
“小时候，两个弟弟在西藏昌都的山坡上往下滑，我得忍住同样放纵的冲动，任务是帮弟弟们清洗弄脏的裤子；年轻时，面对丈夫的暴力与冷漠，我为了女儿有个完整的家庭继续忍耐；女儿大学毕业要找对象，为了不让女儿难堪，我又忍下来；两个外孙出生，我要照顾孩子的孩子，还得忍下去。”
小时候，苏敏是家里的长姐。母亲从小对她管教严厉，如果不经同意，连头发也不能剪。
高中毕业后参加工作，同龄的女孩都住宿舍，下了班一起唱歌玩闹，父亲却要求她必须回家住，不管多晚也要回去。每月赚的工资也要悉数上交，因为弟弟们还没工作，她要为家庭做贡献。
在苏敏当时的判断里，结婚是逃离原生家庭的唯一出路，结婚就等同于“独立生活”。
于是，23岁的苏敏，在那个大多数人的婚姻靠媒人牵线的年代里，通过厂里一个中间人介绍，在与现在的丈夫只见过两面后就嫁给了他。
她以为生活从此将翻开新的一页，却没曾想，只是从一个黑洞掉进了另一个黑洞。
"I want to ask for a temporary leave from my usual life," Su said in one of her first short videos documenting her new journey.
The life she was trying to break free from was a marriage of convenience. Su, born to an average family in a small town, was considered a leftover woman at the age of 23 in the 1980s. She rushed into marriage after meeting her husband only twice, whom she got to know through a blind date. "At the time, almost every woman around walked down the aisle like that. I didn't realize there was something wrong," she said.
结婚没多久，苏敏所在的化肥厂倒闭，她被迫下岗成为家庭主妇。
在做全职妈妈的时间里，苏敏住在丈夫单位的一居室宿舍里，和丈夫女儿挤在一张床上。她每一天都努力扮演好人妻、人母的角色，但她无论怎么做，始终不能让丈夫满意。
从“经济制裁”到言语暴力再到身体暴力，丈夫带给她的从此只剩昏天暗地的压抑和窒息——
“丈夫精于算计，每月要给生活费的时候，就拉着我盘算上个月的钱都去哪儿了——每一笔花销都得找到依据、知道去处。我觉得这对自己是种羞辱，买菜、做饭、洗衣、打扫卫生，周全一个家庭，难道还不够吗？给你的妻子和女儿花钱难道还要记账吗？”
“他喜欢的东西，我尊重并理解。我了解丈夫不吃辣，爱钓鱼更爱吃鱼，了解他打开电视始终在体育频道和新闻频道之间切换……可是他从来没有想过走到我的心里来瞧一瞧。听到丈夫关门离开的声音，我才拥有沙发、电视的使用权，看自己喜欢的电视剧。”
“我们两个总是很少沟通，因为每一次沟通，我只要一说话，他就会用一句话来打断我，然后我就没有办法，我就只有忍耐，只有忍耐。包括他成天说，我做的这样不对，那样不对，包括家里面丢了东西，他都怀疑是我娘家偷了。”
“他的每一次指责，都让我更加自卑。他的每一次指责，我都感觉我就是一个错误的人，一个不会说话、不会行动、不会做事，什么都不会的一个人，一个无用的人。”
“我甚至能够根据丈夫的表情判断自己的处境：要发火前丈夫会‘把眼一瞪’，那双相亲时曾经让我动心的大眼睛现在让我恐惧……丈夫发起火来会摔东西、打人，一拳头把我推一边去。最严重的一回，我也气急了，不知从哪拉了把凳子，明明可以打到他的，结果有一瞬间的迟疑，把凳子摔到旁边，对方拿起来就往我背上砸，疼了好些天。”
她无法忍受这样的生活，重新开始打工赚钱。在接下来的时间里，她做过的工作多到连自己也数不清：干过裁缝、扫过大街、当过服务员、送过报纸……她卖力地干，勤勤恳恳地对待每一份工作，希望赢得丈夫的尊重。
然而，她的努力却成了另一段噩梦的开始。
Her life, nonetheless, didn't take a bad turn until two years later when she moved to the Henan capital of Zhengzhou following the closure of the fertilizer factory where she worked. She began to really know what kind of man her husband was only after moving to the city where he lived – he was more or less a stranger in the first two years of their marriage due to their long-distance relationship.
"He's stingy and picky. When I had no job over the first few months in Zhengzhou, he was keeping tabs on everything," Su sighed. "If there was a problem with our spending, there would be a fight."
The days of being a stay-at-home mother didn't last long. She clung to her pride in the face of her condescending husband, looking for a way to make her own living.
知道她能自食其力后，丈夫和她开始了除家务活以外的“AA制”的婚姻——
“我不但不花他一分钱，还要每天免费为他做饭，打扫卫生，洗衣。”
“有一回，我妈妈得了病，我拿丈夫的医保卡买了药，对方第二天就改了密码。”
30岁后，苏敏便基本不再与丈夫同居。但在女儿结婚生下双胞胎后，两人不得已再次住一间房，过成了“上下铺的兄弟”——
“女儿读完大学回来，结婚生小孩后，两个人不得不住一间房子，我和丈夫干脆买了上下铺。我睡上面，丈夫睡下面，晚上两个人戴上耳机，各玩各的手机。衣服、鞋子从来都是分开摆。有段时间，我甚至想买个床帘隔开，怕女婿觉得自己家过于奇怪才放弃了。”
"I cooked for construction workers, swept the streets, sewed clothing, delivered newspapers…" She couldn't remember exactly how many jobs she had taken to earn respect from her indifferent husband. However, she and her husband have gone Dutch ever since.
The marital friction didn't stop there. In addition to physical abuse, Su's husband also lashed out at her with sarcasm, spite and passive aggressiveness. She had to work out a draft in her head before speaking to him, or she'd be dismissed.
Du Xiaoyang, their daughter, couldn't remember how many times her father had beaten her mother. "His temper gets milder as he ages," Du said over the phone. Even today, Du has difficulty seeing others fight, though she's unsure whether her emotions stem from post-traumatic stress. When asked whether she identified herself as a child exposed to domestic violence, she replied adamantly, "Yes."
Except for her memory of those fights, her father was absent most of the time. As a third grader during the summer holiday, Du would stay home alone. Back then, Su had opened a tailoring business. Once time after getting off work late in the evening, she had found her daughter fast asleep and smoke billowing from the kitchen. "She was hungry and tried to cook, but she had overcooked it. So I closed the shop and became a cleaner." Because cleaning the streets only required her to work from 3 to 6 a.m., she had ample time to prepare breakfast for her daughter, take her to school and pick her up afterwards. The father barely helped with household duties, let alone support them financially.
2019年，苏敏被诊断出中度抑郁症。她常常在家里一边吃治抑郁症的药，一边不自觉地流眼泪。最严重的时候，她还想过自杀。
她问丈夫，你不喜欢我是不是因为我长得不好看？
她也问自己，和丈夫关系处成这样，是不是因为自己生的是女孩？
再后来，她放弃了归因，不再对丈夫抱有任何虚无缥缈的期待。
苏敏爱看穿越小说，出走前的日子，她的生活空隙靠穿越小说填补——她觉得那是一种巨大的力量，本来不怎么起眼的人，到了另一个时空却可以主宰自己的命运。
2019年的一个冬天，苏敏一如既往地上网查找穿越小说时，无意中看到一位博主在分享自驾游的经历。一人一车一行囊，开往未知的远方。
她第一次知道原来人还可以这样活——
“我瞬间被击中了：居然还有这样的选项？”
年龄、婚姻、金钱、家庭……没有什么能阻挡她了。她告诉女儿，等明年外孙一上幼儿园，她就要开始自驾游。
女儿和女婿都很支持，并开始着手帮她筹备——从买车开始：女儿付了3万块钱的首付，再加上苏敏自己在超市打工两年的积蓄，终于分期买下了一辆大众白色Polo。
Su learned to drive seven years ago. Su's son-in-law told us, "My mother believes having a driver's license allows her to become independent."
"I can only breathe the air of freedom while driving on the road," said Su. She had put a down payment for a little Volkswagen Polo with her meager salary she had earned by working as a sales promoter in a supermarket – that was her last job before heading out on her trip.
"While working for the newspaper, I was awarded a trip outside of Zhengzhou because of my excellent performance," Su said. That travel experience expanded her horizon. "I had a taste of what freedom truly felt like."
That led her to reexamine her married life, and she realized that her husband might have never truly loved her. She knows that he likes to watch the news and sports, go fishing, play ping pong, and eat light meals. But he never bothered to learn that she likes spicy food and watching TV shows. On top of that, they've been sleeping separately for almost two decades.
Mired in this cold, lonely and suffocating life, she was diagnosed with depression. From 2018 to 2019, her depression progressed from mild to a point where she had tried to commit suicide several times. A couple of knife scars can still be seen on both of her wrists. The worst incident was when Su plunged the knife into her own chest three times following a brawl, her blood spilling out. Her husband had to send her to hospital.
"One day, I made up my mind to live for myself, holding onto my own destiny," Su said, deciding to leave a home rife with scuffles and silence.
"I don't think my father has ever loved her," said Du.
在接下来的时间里，她只为一个理想而活：出逃，去看外面的世界。
“我从没那么盼望过一个春天，今年（2020年）3月是约定好送外孙上幼儿园的时间。不料被一场蔓延全国的疫情打断，幼儿园延迟入学，我也不得不困守在家里。”
被疫情困在家里的日子，苏敏也没有停下来——
“为了离开的这一刻，我默默准备了接近一年。表面上，我还是那个操持家务的好外婆，实则暗度陈仓：照看外孙的间隙，我在网络上查找自驾游的攻略，看到有用的装备就一点点加进淘宝购物车，大到帐篷、储物柜、冰箱，小到锅碗瓢盆、柴米油盐。”
“为了赚取路费，我开始偷偷录短视频。白天‘偷偷摸摸地’拍一些素材，做菜的，擀面条的……晚上趁大家都休息了，再偷偷剪辑发布。不能被丈夫知道，不然肯定会招来讽刺。”
2020年9月，苏敏终于把两个外孙送进了幼儿园，她觉得自己“任务完成了”。
出发前几天，她为家人做好了每年都会做的辣椒酱，想着等自己走了之后家人就可以吃了——
做完了所有她认为该做的事，2020年9月23日，农历八月初八，苏敏开着那辆后备箱已经塞得满满当当的白色Polo驶出了地下车库。
没有计划，不问归期。
“我开车离开郑州市的第一天，那是我第一次感受到了自由。”
On day one of her solo road trip, she was no longer haunted by why her husband is so apathetic. She used to question whether it's because she looks plain, or because she gave birth to a girl, not a boy.
She can say whatever she wants, cook whatever she likes, and go wherever she yearns. She shoots videos to chronicle her travels, which has unexpectedly become a haven for many women her age.
A woman said she couldn't sleep after watching Su's videos and signed up at a driving school the next day. "I hope my mother can be as brave as Su Min," another web user commented.
Most Chinese women born in the 1950s and 1960s got hitched through blind dates or family arrangements. Love was a luxury for a number of them. As long as the situation wasn't too bad, they often suffered in silence.
Chinese society is moving fast. Su's daughter married under very different terms. "My mother was afraid that I would follow her steps," said Du. She developed postpartum depression after giving birth to twins, but her husband took good care of her despite a hectic schedule at work. Both of them support Su's choice.
02
“我从未想过有一天能这样自由自在”
苏敏的第二场人生开始了。
她一路从郑州开到小浪底、三门峡，游了西安古城，去了四川成都。
她白天看天地河山，晚上睡车顶帐篷。从最开始害怕路人的眼神，一个人躲起来吃饭，到后来慢慢习惯了各种目光，搭帐篷、收梯子，动作行云流水。
从西安去往成都的途中要绕过秦岭，她一个人在山里绕了8、9个小时——“但恐惧、孤独完全不存在，只觉得自由。”
她尽可能节省开销，能在服务区打水绝不自费，大部分时间自己做饭，连洗澡都能找到最省钱的方式：在大众点评上找澡堂的团购，十几块钱就能洗一回。
“我从未想过有一天能这样自由自在：我终于夺回了这辆靠在超市打工两年买来的大众白色Polo，不用担心会被丈夫突然拿走车钥匙；副驾驶上终于没有喋喋不休的说教；连吃饭也可以按照自己的想法来了：以前为了照顾丈夫的口味，炒菜都很清淡，现在酣畅淋漓地往锅里加辣椒，辣椒炒肉，辣椒炒鸡蛋，清炒辣椒，吃到鼻尖冒汗。”
有一次，她从云南昭通去昆明途经高速，下高速时被扣了81块钱，她当下心里一颤，因为ETC卡绑定的是丈夫的银行卡。
“结果第二天我老公就打电话了。他说你昨天又扣费了，你抓紧时间把钱还我。”
那是苏敏的丈夫在她离家之后给她打的第一通电话。她此后再没走过高速。
"Just days ago, he called and asked me to give him 81 yuan ($12.50) incurred during my travels because the ETC card (for paying highway tolls) is linked to his bank card." That was the only call she ever received from her husband since she left home. Since then, she has avoided toll roads.
她时常在家庭群里分享沿途的景色，但只有女儿回复她，注意安全。
她不在乎，因为眼前的风景和沿途结识的朋友已经给了她莫大的满足，抑郁症也不药而愈。
女婿想让她赶回家过年，但她说“不想给大家干活了”。接下来，想先去昆明，再去丽江、大理，在洱海边露营，听着鸟鸣入睡，最后去海南过年。
然后她真的去了，每走到一个地方，就在网上分享自己的所见所闻。
原以为只是一个人的狂欢，但她没想到自己火了。
在苏敏接下来的旅程中，每天都有数以万计的网友等着她更新视频和她“云旅游”。
他们说，她像他们的妈妈、奶奶、外婆……她的前半辈子是他们亲人的真实写照，但她勇敢地开启了不同以往的后半生。
13日晚，苏敏在B站上发布了新一期的视频——
视频名为《从彩云之南到彩云之上》，配乐是2000年《西游记续集》中的插曲《看我跃马扬鞭》。
在这一期的视频中，正漫步在云南元阳县哈尼小镇的苏敏，此时已从河南一路南下驰骋了近8000公里，走遍了西安、成都、昆明、大理、丽江、香格里拉、腾冲等20多个城市。
她在视频里笑着说，“我要往海南去了。”
Su continues her travels while making her vlog. Her ultimate dream is to explore the entire country. "As long as I can do something I like, there's light in my life," she said.
But she's aware that escape isn't the ultimate way and she has to go back home to face her husband, the three-decade-long marriage, the piecemeal life. When she does return, she will go back anew, since the future is no longer something to be endured, but something that she can shape. As for whether she'll go back soon, Su said, "I'll go home, but not now."
03
“没有什么能阻挡我对自由的向往”
苏敏的故事火了之后，有人说这是一个“中年妇女鼓起勇气做自己”的故事。
但她回答，“这不能称之为勇气，只是你不想生活在那种环境中，所以你就必须要出来。”
在她的自我界定中，这更像是一个找回自我、追寻自由的故事。“出逃”，也仅仅只是为了获得自由而不得不做出的选择。
在以往发布的视频和文章中，她不止一次地提到自由，不止一次地发出掷地有声的呼喊——
“没有什么能阻挡我对自由的向往。”
如何理解自由呢？
自由，可以指选择的自由，即萝卜青菜各有所爱——你喜欢葡萄，我钟意香蕉；你喜欢猫，我独爱狗。
再往上走，自由还是表达的自由，思想的自由，追求幸福的自由，是生而为人的基本权利。
但对一些人而言，自由并不是抽象的政治哲学概念。
在56岁的苏敏眼里，自由的意思非常简单——
“没有人成天反对你、打压你、讽刺你、挖苦你，那就是自由了。”
离家三个多月的时间里，苏敏第一次体会到了自由：从繁重的母职中解脱，不必再经营假装存在的亲密关系，不必再取悦永远得不到回应的人，她只为自己而活。
这样没有压力、无拘无束、彻彻底底的快乐，她说，甚至比她半个世纪前“第二自由的时候”还要快乐——
“很小的时候，在西藏，我和伙伴们到山沟里去摘野果子，天空高远辽阔。吃完回去无事可做，可以再玩几局‘跳房子’。”
但自由从来都不是毫无边界的自由，它永远附带着选择所带来的后果，永远会被现实生活中责任、义务和道德的张力所拉扯。
就好像风筝，明明看起来与天空相隔咫尺，却始终被一根看不见的线所牢牢拴住。
苏敏的出走并不是从责任与桎梏中逃离，恰恰相反，那场看似潇洒的、说走就走的旅行，也是在她恪尽职守地履行完所有社会意义上的职责后才开始的。
直到今天，苏敏依然会在拥抱自由与回归责任间踌躇、徘徊。
她说，2021年将第一次离开家一个人在外过年，她牵挂家人，不知道他们会怎么过。
她还说，对老伴没有怨恨，只有同情，也许最后还会回到他身边。
只不过在那之前——
她选择短暂地为自己活一把，用一场追寻自由的旅程赋予生命尊严和意义。
“在2021年，我会一路北上，走广州过福建，去蒙古看草原，去新疆品美食。希望我一路一帆风顺。”
2014年，一首《穿越大半个中国去睡你》横空出世，让乡村女诗人余秀华一夜成名。
患有先天性脑瘫的余秀华在苦难中寻找诗意，身体的不自由从未能限制她灵魂的高度。
有人将余秀华视为女性解放先驱，但余秀华说——
“ 我并不是追求女性的解放，我是追求我个人的解放，一个人能够解救自己，就等于解救了一批人。”
向往自由、追寻自由，从来都不需要宏大的动机，而是人之本能。
追寻自由本身，便是意义。
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