The post-Golden Week conversations you'll have at work tomorrow

flickr: Robbie Sproule

You're back at work after a week of holiday and you'd rather be literally anywhere – and that includes battling the crowds at Hongqiao Railway Station. You've had your fun and now must un-mute all the office group chats and return to reality. Your boss, Debra from sales and 'loves a chat by the water cooler' Keith are all back in your life. Here is every conversation you're going to have to endure this week.

'How was your holiday?'

The old classic. Regardless of how incredible (or disastrous) your holiday was, a response of 'yeah, good' is always the safest option. Do not elaborate any further than this. You should also be very careful when asking this question back to someone. Feigning interest in the holiday of the wrong colleague could result in you having an Instagram/Moments feed shoved in your face and an incoming Facebook friend request that you're going to have to dodge until the end of eternity. Although, to be fair, Silvia's trip to Moganshan looked wonderful – just never let her know that...

'Why didn't you go away for your holiday?'

'Because you don't pay me enough!' Try to avoid this answer if asked this question by your boss. You heard that every man and his dog (and a couple of the dog's friends) would be traveling around China this week and you didn't have the funds for an international getaway. You loved your staycation – most of which was spent alternating between your bed and sofa – and will be the first person to champion your week of sloth should anyone doubt your choice. You reassure Silvia that Moganshan sounds wonderful, but that's not where your TV, fridge and the latest series of BoJack Horsman are. You're happy with your decision.

'So many emails'

Greg who sits opposite you has a lot of emails. You don't believe that Greg who sits opposite you has a lot of emails, as who sends wor 38 23943 38 9315 0 0 3728 0 0:00:06 0:00:02 0:00:04 3727k emails during Golden Week? Who is emailing you, Greg? Why so much inbox action? You log in to your account, worried about the potential bombardment of messages, to find a solitary email. It's a forwarded message from the Moganshan tourism board...

'I wish I was still in holiday'

Can a statement be rhetorical? Of course, we all want to still be on holiday. It's not like you've spent the last week reminiscing about your morning commute, spreadsheets and the keyboard shortcut for an en dash.

'Shall we just go home early, haha?'

No, we can't do that. It's literally our job to be here. You appreciate this was suggested as a joke, but goddammit, Keith, too soon. We've not even made it to lunch yet.

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