门训弟兄和门训姐妹
周五黛比打电话给我， 因为她的婚姻遇到困境。像许多牧师一样， 我经常在灭像这样的火。我跟她通话、祷告， 然后我打电话给她丈夫来商量这个情况。
当我在牧养约翰和黛比（不是他们真实的姓名）时， 有一大堆问题要考虑。我是不是要更多地把时间投资在约翰身上， 而把黛比交给一个成熟的姐妹去呢？我要不要给他们俩做婚姻辅导？我是否要跟黛比一对一见面， 而且， 如果是的话， 我对她的牧养责任是什么呢？
在这样的情况下， 我不仅仅要考虑实践上的问题， 最基本的问题是， 如何以圣经对男女的教导来塑造我牧养的工作？
“互补主义”是用来形容圣经对男女角色的教导， 呼召男性在家里和在教会里要有自我牺牲的带领， 并呼召女性喜乐地顺服这样的带领。这短短一篇文章会讨论互补主义如何影响辅导和门徒训练的具体细节。以下两个问题会界定我们的讨论：1）当一个牧师门训和辅导弟兄的时候要考虑什么？ 2）当一个牧师门训和辅导姐妹的时候要考虑什么？
对于牧者门训弟兄的思考
当一个牧师门训和辅导弟兄的时候要考虑什么？
1. 合乎圣经的门训弟兄的异象
首先， 让我们有一个合乎圣经的牧养弟兄的异象： 我们必须通过一对一的门徒造就来鼓励弟兄有基督的形像。年长的弟兄应该刻意地投资于年轻弟兄的身上、鼓励他们属灵上的成长（多2：1）。
我们的圣经异象可以扩展到以下两点： 1）我们应该鼓励弟兄爱神的话语（诗1：2； 书1：8）和爱他人（弗4：11-16）2）我们应该鼓励弟兄在家里和教会有刚强、舍己、服侍的带领。弟兄被呼召来效法基督、模仿基督给予生命、舍己的服侍（弗5：21-33）。
2. 门训弟兄的实用策略
从异象转到策略， 值得注意的是， 牧师往往忽略在会中培养刚强的弟兄领导者， 因为牧师以被动的态度来用自己的时间和精力。各种紧急事务的缠绕支配他们的日程安排。他们让时间花在各种危机的反应上， 或者他们花时间在备课、讲道、跟即将面临的周日服侍上。结果， 许多牧师没有长期的策略来培养弟兄在教会和在家庭的带领。我们如何实现这样的策略呢？
从小做起。挑选几个有领袖潜质的弟兄，与他们建立定期的一对一午餐见面时间。积极主动地建造这些弟兄。如果你有一个领导团队， 鼓励他们也这样做。
牧养弟兄是非常重要的。作为牧师， 你应该在这方面做榜样。但如果你想更有成效， 你可以考虑开始一个门徒训练小组， 帮助弟兄以神学来思考生活的一切。挑选好的神学材料来帮助弟兄把神学应用在婚姻、沟通、财务、性关系、养育儿女、职场工作等问题上。牧师迈克尔·麦金利的书《懦夫才植堂》（第七章）有很好的培养领袖的例子。
对于牧者门训姊妹的思考
如果牧师是要门训弟兄成为家里和教会里的领袖，那跟牧养姐妹有什么区别呢？
1. 合乎圣经的门训姐妹的异象
让我们再次以圣经的角度开始。就像与弟兄一样， 牧师应该通过一对一门徒培训来鼓励姐妹更有基督的形象， 不同的是， 在这种情况下， 姐妹应该做大多数的门徒训练。正常情况下，在教会里弟兄应该门训弟兄、姐妹应该门训姐妹。因此， 鼓励年长的姐妹投资于年轻姐妹身上， 帮助她们在属灵上的成长， 正如保罗告诉提多要在他的教会指导姐妹这样做（多2：3-5）。
一个（男性）牧师应该如何思考怎样认识、照顾、并且牧养在他教会的姐妹呢？
如果我们认为门徒造就是长期、深思熟虑的引导， 一位牧师训练一位姐妹 （例如， 牧师在一年的过程中与她每周见面）似乎并不是明智的做法。我们应该使这样主动的属灵引导维持在同性别的门训关系中。这使得我们可以做教牧辅导， 一种更有时间限制的事奉。
虽然， 有些人认为牧师永远不应该辅导女性， 但这似乎并不适合圣经所说的关于牧羊人认识他所有的羊（徒20:28;参看约10:12，16）， 以及耶稣给我们他自己具体的例子。在约翰福音的4章， 基督跟撒玛利亚妇人有一个非常个人性、一对一的谈话。男牧师的确需要亲自牧养教会里的姐妹。
有哪些具体的事情牧师应该鼓励姐妹的呢？ 牧师应该鼓励她们爱神的话语和教会、尊重权威、愿意以家庭为主（即使她们在外工作）、以及她们个人传福音的成长。对于已婚的姐妹，牧师应该鼓励她们响应丈夫的领导。对于单身的姐妹，牧师应该鼓励她们跟随教会里敬虔的权威，尤其是当她们的父亲没有参与在她们的属灵生活中。
然而， 牧师牧养姐妹最主要的途径是通过装备整个会众里的姐妹来门训其他姐妹。牧师如何促进和建立这种姐妹门训姐妹的文化呢？
2. 门训姐妹的实用策略
要建立一个鼓励姐妹们之间彼此造就的教会文化，牧师要在适当的时候，在主日讲道的时间，从圣经教导门徒训练的重要性。这样做的目标是要鼓励教会里年长的姐妹来门训年轻的姐妹。
我们也可以用其他的场合来教导门徒训练。例如，在我的教会，我们经常在周六提供有关门徒训练的研讨会，来帮助新成员思考如何进行门徒训练以及如何门训别人。我们每年还提供为期三个月的关于门徒训练的主日学课程。最近一次，我邀请了几个在教会里年长的姐妹来参加。教导和建立榜样能够帮助建造一个认真看待门徒造就的教会文化。
这是一些整体建立门徒造就文化的一些方式， 但牧师如何亲自牧养女性会员呢？很显然，会有很多机会做一次性的辅导面谈，其中牧师会提供对生活的日常问题的建议和圣经辅导。
如果有些问题需要不止一次见面， 牧师要判断何时一些有时限的辅导变成延伸的门徒训练。但很多时候， 还没有达到这个地步之前， 许多牧师因为他们繁忙的日程压力已经停止与她们见面了。他们可能明智地帮助这名女性成员认识教会里别的成员（如一位女同工、牧师的妻子、或会众里的年长姐妹）， 或从外部可以帮助的人（如一位本地的女辅导员或者专业处理家庭暴力问题的福音机构）。
为了有慧智地辅导女性， 牧师需要设立一些边界：
1.限制你和任何女性会面的数次。你要小心，不要培养她们产生对牧师的情感依赖。特别是在糟糕婚姻情况下的女性， 你不想在情感上或属灵上成为她丈夫的代替品。
2.要非常、非常防备情绪依赖的女性。非常渴望慰藉的女性会想寻找一个男人来关注她，牧师往往有同理心的倾听者。虽然你想提供仁慈和敬虔的辅导，但错误的亲密感情或依赖却不是你要期待的。
3.尽可能–根据您的家庭情况–和你妻子合作。
4.当你做辅导的时候， 要在一间非常敞开透明的办公室。把你的椅子放在办公室以外的人的视线内。如果你办公室的门没有窗，就要换一个有窗口的门。
5.只有在工作时间辅导女性，这样教会的秘书或其他同工会在教会的办公室出现。永远不要单独和一个女性在教会， 这样你就随时都可以无可指责（提前3：2）。
6.如果可能的话, 把秘书的办公桌子放在你办公室的门外。
7.有些牧师更喜欢把门虚掩（或完全打开）， 如果秘书听到任何内容， 要她把事情保密。
8.不要在教会僻静的区域做辅导， 但找一个有很多交通、有人不断来来去去的地方。
9.确保至少另外一个同工知道（或至少可以知道）你的日程安排。如果没有其他人知道你在做什么， 就有更多的潜在危险让你隐藏东西。
10.确保你和另一个教会牧师或领导有彼此监督的时间， 其中包括谈论你最困难的辅导情况。
牧养耶稣羊群的特权
身为在耶稣带领之下的牧者是多么大的特权。无论弟兄或姐妹， 我们都希望能够照顾好托付给我们去关怀的羊。牧师们，效法基督的榜样：“我是好牧人; 好牧人为羊舍命。”（约10:11）
Discipling Men vs. Discipling Women
Debbie called me on Friday because she’s having a hard time in her marriage. Like many pastors, I regularly put out fires like this one. I talked and prayed with her, and then I called her husband to talk over the situation.
There are a thousand questions that I have to sort through as I shepherd John and Debbie (not their real names). Do I invest more in John and send Debbie to a godly woman? Do I meet both of them for marital counseling? Do I meet up with Debbie, and, if so, what is my pastoral responsibility to her?
But it’s not just practical questions that I need to wrestle through in a situation like this. At a more basic level, how should the Bible’s teaching about men and women inform my pastoral work?
“Complementarianism” is a term for the biblical teaching that calls men to self-sacrificial leadership in both the home and the church, and calls women to joyfully submit to that leadership. This short article thinks through how complementarianism affects the practical nuts and bolts of counseling and discipleship. Two questions will define our discussion: 1) What does a pastor need to think about in discipling and counseling a man? 2) What does a pastor need to think about in discipling or counseling a woman?
THOUGHTS FOR THE PASTOR DISCIPLING MEN
What does a pastor need to keep in mind when he disciples and counsels men?
A Biblical Vision for Discipling Men
Let’s start with a biblical vision for discipling men: we must encourage Christ-likeness through one-on-one discipleship. Older Christian men are to deliberately invest in younger Christian men, encouraging their spiritual growth (Tit. 2:1).
Our biblical vision can be expanded in two specific ways: 1) we should encourage men to love God’s Word (Ps. 1:2; Josh. 1:8) and his people (Eph 4:11-16); 2) we should encourage men to strong, self-sacrificial, servant leadership in the home and the church. Men are called to look like Christ, imitating his life-giving, sacrificial service (Eph 5:21-33).
Practical Strategy for Discipling Men
Moving from vision to strategy, it’s worth noting that pastors often neglect developing strong male leaders in the congregation because pastors use their time and energy defensively. The tyranny of the urgent rules their schedules. They allow their time to be spent reacting to various crises, or they spend it preparing lessons, sermons, and events for the upcoming Sunday. As a result, many pastors have no long-term strategy to cultivate male leadership in the church and the home. How do we accomplish such a strategy?
Start small. Pick a few men who have the potential to be good leaders and set up regular lunches with them. Be proactive about building into these men. And, if you have a leadership team, encourage them to do the same.
Discipling men is extremely important. As the pastor, you should set the example for others in this. But if you want to get more bang for your buck, you might consider developing a men’s discipleship group that helps men to think theologically about all of life. Pick good theological resources that help men apply theology to issues like marriage, communication, finances, sex, parenting, working for a secular employer, and so on. You can find a good example of this type of leadership development in pastor Mike McKinley’s book Church Planting is for Wimps (see chapter seven).
THOUGHTS FOR THE PASTOR DISCIPLING WOMEN
If pastors should disciple men to be leaders in the home and in the church, how does this differ from discipling women?
Biblical Vision for Discipling Women
Let’s start again with a biblical vision. As with men, pastors should seek to encourage greater Christ-likeness through one-on-one discipling, only in this case, women should do the vast majority of that discipling. In the normal course of relationships in the church, men should disciple men and women should disciple women. So encourage older Christian women to invest in younger Christian women, helping them to grow spiritually, which is precisely what Paul tells Titus to instruct the women in his church to do (Tit. 2:3-5).
How then should a (male) pastor think about knowing, caring for, and shepherding the women in his congregation?
If we think of discipling as long-term, deliberate mentoring, it doesn’t seem wise for a pastor to disciple a woman (for example, by meeting with her weekly over the course of a year). We should reserve that type of intense spiritual mentoring for gender-specific relationships. That leaves us with counseling, which is a more time-limited activity.
While some argue that pastors should never counsel a woman, that doesn’t seem to fit with what Scripture says about the shepherd knowing all of his sheep (Acts 20:28; cf. John 10:12, 16), and the specific example that Jesus sets for us. In John 4, Christ has a very personal, one-on-one conversation with a Samaritan woman. Male pastors do need to personally shepherd the women in their congregations.
What are some of the specific things pastors should encourage women in? Pastors should encourage their love for the Word and the church, their respect for authority, their desire to make the home primary (even if they are working outside the home), and their growth in personal evangelism. For married women, pastors should encourage their responsiveness to their husband’s leadership. For single women, pastors should encourage them to follow godly authority in the church, especially when their fathers are not spiritually involved in their lives.
Yet pastors should primarily seek to shepherd women in these ways through equipping women in the congregation to disciple other women. How can pastors facilitate and build this culture of women discipling women?
Practical Strategy for Discipling Women
In order to build a church culture that encourages discipleship among women, pastors should teach about the importance of discipleship whenever it naturally comes up in Scripture during a Sunday morning sermon series. The goal in this is to encourage the older women of the church to disciple the younger women.
We can also teach about discipleship in other venues. For example, at my church we regularly offer a Saturday seminar on discipleship to help new members think about how to be discipled and how to disciple others. We also offer a three month long Sunday school class on discipleship every year. The last time we taught the class, I contacted several older women in the church and encouraged them to attend. Teaching and modeling help build a church culture that takes discipleship seriously.
Those are some ways to build an overall culture of discipleship, but how does the pastor personally shepherd female members? Obviously, there will be plenty of opportunities to do one-off counseling meetings, where the pastor provides general advice and biblical counsel for life’s daily problems.
If the problem requires more than one meeting, the pastor has to judge when time-limited counseling crosses over into extended discipleship. But before things even reach this point, many pastors stop meeting out of necessity because of the pressures of their busy schedules. Instead of meeting with the woman themselves, they wisely connect the female member with someone else in the church (such as a female staff member, the pastor’s wife, or an older woman in the congregation) or someone on the outside who might help (such as a local female counselor or a parachurch organization that specializes in issues like domestic violence).
In order to wisely counsel women, pastors need to create a number of boundaries:
Limit the number of appointments you have with any particular woman. You want to be careful not to foster an emotional dependence on the pastor. Especially in the case of women in bad marriages, you don’t want to be an emotional or spiritual replacement for their husbands.
Be very, very wary of emotionally dependent women. Very needy women hunger to find a man to pay attention to them, and pastors often have a sympathetic, listening ear. While you do want to offer kind and godly counsel, you don’t want to foster a wrong emotional intimacy or dependence.
As much as possible—and depending on your family situation— include your wife.
Be sure to do your counseling in an office where you are always highly visible. Put your chair in the line of sight of those outside of the office. If your office door does not have a window in it, then replace the door with one that does.
Do your counseling with women only during work hours, so that the church secretary or other staff will be present in the church office complex. Never be alone with a woman in the church so that you can always be above reproach (1 Tim 3:2).
If possible, situate the secretary’s desk just outside of your office.
Some pastors actually prefer to keep the door slightly propped open (or completely open), making sure that if the secretary hears anything she keeps it in confidence.
Don’t do counseling in a secluded part of the church, but somewhere where there is a good bit of traffic, with people constantly buzzing around.
Make sure that at least one other staff member knows (or at least has access to) your schedule. If no one else knows what you are doing, there is more potential for you to hide things.
Make sure you have regular accountability with another pastor or leader in your church, which will include talking about your most difficult counseling situations.
THE PRIVILEGE OF SHEPHERDING JESUS’ FLOCK
What an immense privilege it is to be an undershepherd of Jesus. Whether it is men or women, we hope to care well for the sheep entrusted to our care. Pastors, learn from Christ’s example: “I am the good Shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for his sheep” (John 10:11).
作者：Deepak Reju
作者是国会山浸信会牧师，负责辅导、家庭和儿童事工。
翻译肢体：余丽君
用圣经视野和实用资源装备教会领袖
进而通过健康的教会向世界彰显神的荣耀
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