爱恋不过是一场高烧，思念是紧跟着好不了的咳
muse=miss u so easy
在山的对面遥远的彼方，住着“幸福”，人们对我这样说。于是我与人群一起出发，归来时泪眼滂沱。可是鲜少有人能够做到和平、冷静、干脆利落的分手，大部分人的失恋都是伴随着眼泪、伤心、悔恨以及仇视等情绪，然后自我安慰，时间会治好一切。
没错，时间是位伟大的治愈师。
但也没必要自欺欺人，失恋了就是会失态，伤心、难过、悲伤、抑郁、失落、悔恨这些情绪都是难免，没必要觉得羞愤，更不必感到可耻。
反正人人不外如是。
Today, I miss you.
今天，突然想起你。
It’s been a while since I opened that box in my mind, where I’d locked you up, all your memories, all the pain. Sometimes I feel like I do it to self-inflict pain, but when I’m sitting in a dark corner with a wandering mind, I like to flood myself with your memories. But most times, I just find myself drowning in heartbreak.
记忆的匣子早已上锁，这里装满关于你的点滴。快乐有之，伤痛有之。今日，过往如泉涌袭来。有时，我觉得现在所承受的感伤，只是自作自受罢了。如今，我蜷缩在黑暗的角落，心慌意乱。这心痛的感觉，是如此深刻，如此难熬。
I remember everything, as clear as yesterday.
往事还历历在目
The way you smiled at me from across a room full of people, like they didn’t even exist. The way you hesitated before you held my hand for the first time. When you sniffed my hair and thought I didn’t notice. The intensity with which you said you loved me when you were on top of me. When you introduced me to your family as your girlfriend and they grinned like I was the best thing that happened to you.
你穿越人潮，向我微微一笑，仿佛这世界只剩下你我二人。你第一次牵我手时，紧张、羞涩的模样。你偷偷嗅我的长发，以为我并未察觉。你一遍遍的对我说着，爱我，爱我。当你向家人介绍我，他们浅笑，仿佛我是你生命里最美丽的意外。
It’s like walking on eggshells. Literally.
爱情，如履薄冰。
I remember all your friends treating me like family. I even dream of your arm wrapped around my waist, protectively, like you were trying to stir me away from all the creeps who checked me out. When I’m dreaming, sometimes I can even see your face beaming with pride and overwhelming happiness, thinking, ‘I can’t believe I’m dating my best friend’.
你的朋友早把我当作自己人。时至今日，我还记得，你搂着我的腰，宣布主权一般招摇过市，生怕我被别人抢走。在梦里，我看见你满满的骄傲与幸福。“你，是我梦寐以求的那个人。”
But that clarity is not one sided. I can see the other side and that’s what wakes me up at night.
爱情的阴暗面渐渐显露，我也曾彻夜难眠
I remember the day you told me that my friends aren’t good enough for you or anyone else. I remember the times you refused to meet my mom because ‘everyone didn’t have to know about us’. I remember you naming our future children, and then standing under the pouring rain, telling me you don’t see a future with me.
那天你对我说，我的朋友都是狐朋狗友。每每谈起见家长，你便百般推托，借口说，“感情的事何必弄得众人皆知”。我们甚至给将来的孩子起名。而我也记得，你站在雨中，说早已看不清楚我们的未来。
I have slowly lost touch with my friends because he does not like or approve of them. I have been isolated from everyone I know.
我的世界慢慢只容得下他一个，我和曾经的朋友渐渐疏远了。
I remember seeing my face in the mirror after yet another fight, I was shivering, with mascara smudged all over my face and you just walked away. I remember missing my best friend’s 21st birthday because you wanted to ‘hang-out’, but I also remember standing at the bus stop the same night reading your text saying, ‘You can’t come because your friend needed you’.
那天吵架后，我哭的睫毛膏弄脏满脸，而你还是默默走掉。为了你，我没去为最好的闺密庆祝21岁生日。你让我和你上街走走，然后又发信息给我说，“不用过来了”。
I remember your rushed I love you’s, I remember your false promises, I even engraved your initials.
我记得你荒谬的山盟海誓，我甚至把你的名字文在身上。
But it’s thought of the intense gazes, the smiles that were reserved for me, your memory of every small milestone in our relationship and your ability to predict my every move, that made me forgive your infidelity. That made me erase the memory of those texts I saw on your phone, the exes who didn’t know I existed, your reluctance to make me at least one of your top priorities. I forgave everything, because I belived with all my heart that you loved me.
我还是原谅了你，或许是因为曾经无数次的回眸，或许是因为你向我展颜，或许是因为你记得我们所有的纪念日，或许是因为你对我细致入微的了解。我逼自己忘掉你暧昧的短信，与你藕断丝连的前女友，你对我的漠不关心。我原谅了你所有的荒唐，我还是相信，你爱过我。
I cannot leave him because my heart tells me I love him too much. He has broke up with me for no reason multiple times, because he knows I will just pretend nothing happened when he comes back.
我无法割舍他，我无法欺骗自己的心。他总是毫无缘由的和我分手，因为他知道，当他需要我的时候，我便会若无其事的继续爱他。
But I could never forgive myself.
而我无法原谅我自己。
I made myself feel small. I made myself believe that I wasn’t lovable, that I didn’t deserve better and that even if I wanted to, I could never do better, because you made me believe a lie. That you loved me. I forgot the bubbly, sarcastic and fun person I used to be, instead I became the person friends would avoid, the colleague who always cried at her desk, the woman who had no self-respect and the ex girlfriend who couldn’t get over you.
我让自己卑微到了尘埃里，我失去了所有自信。我错以为，你是爱我的。我也曾是一个活泼、热辣、风趣的女孩。现在，朋友对我敬而远之，同事对我不屑一顾。我常在办公桌上嚎啕大哭，我竟对你如此着迷。
At the end of that relationship I had gone from being a really sociable guy who does great in school do a hollow shell who couldn’t even muster the energy to leave his apartment.
初识时，我热爱社交，亦是学校中的佼佼者；如今，我如行尸走肉般，连离开他的勇气都没有。
I hated myself, so much so that you were my punishment.
我厌恶自己，大概，你就是我难逃的劫数
But today, I don’t think of you for all the same reasons, I think of you when this man looks at me without breaking eye contact and tells me I’m beautiful, and I realize that you’ve made me feel so ugly, that I can’t believe it. Now I don’t think of you as something I regret. I want to thank you, because if it weren’t for you, I wouldn’t appreciate the small things that really matter.
现在，我不再是过去的我。我也有了新的生活。有个人，总是目不转睛地看着我，痴痴的说，“你好美”。我才明白，与你在一起时，我是怎样消极、颓唐。我不再伤春悲秋了。谢谢你，让我明白，要珍惜生活的一点一滴。
I knew intellectually that I wasn’t a terrible person, but I came to feel ashamed of and disgusted by myself about many things.
与他相处时，总觉得自己难堪而寒酸。我总是看不见自己的好。
Only after you, I’ve learned I don’t need love that engulfs me and takes me with the tide.
你让我明白，爱不是完全占有，也不是绝对支配。
I need love that grounds me and makes me sane. And that love, isn’t something I need from someone else, I need that love from me and me alone.
好的爱情，当让人成长。这种爱，不能从他人处得到，唯有我自己才能给与。
And here’s why I thought of you today, to tell you that I respect myself enough that I don’t have enough room in my mind for someone who’s emotionally abused me for 3 years of my life.
所以，我想起了你。我想告诉你，我终于学会自尊自爱，而我的心里，再不能容下你了。
And so, it’s time to throw this box away, no corner is dark enough to store this anymore.
永别了，我曾经的挚爱。我的心，不会为你再起波澜。
林夕写过，原来我非不快乐，只我一人未察觉，如能忘掉渴望，岁月长衣裳薄。
原本在众人眼中该是个快乐的人，但遗憾的是你却无知无觉。
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