Cold Feet: Why Aren't Beijingers Tying the Knot?

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On a calm and peaceful day, I gulped down a glass of merlot and my phone was buzzing. It was my grandma and I was supposed to join her for my birthday. For some strange reason, I always have mixed feelings about celebrating my birthday. Part of me really gets excited about the idea of having another family gathering where everybody toasts to me for getting another year older. Another part of me just cringes at the thought of being interrogated by my lovely but nagging grandma of the age-old question: When are you getting married?I had to change the subject and keep filling up more chicken breasts on her plate so that she would stop talking. But the questioning wasn't done yet.  My aunt soon picked up the topic where my grandma left off and said: "I already had a baby in my belly when I was your age." I felt slightly uneasy but my inner monologue was telling me to stay silent and just laugh along as if I had just heard a silly joke.

It was not the first time I had been hassled by relatives about it, but the truth is: I don't intend to get married anytime soon. At least until I can find the right one, that is. Marriage, for me, is a huge commitment. What's wrong with trying to live my own life without constant worries about how to make another one happy by sacrificing your own needs or freedom?

I am certainly not alone in thinking this. Most 80s and 90s babies who were born into the period when China still had its one-child policy will say the same. If there is one thing you should know only children, it is they are not used to sharing things, not to mention having to get used to living with another person. Growing up, I was one of those kids who would carefully guard my own territory, not letting anyone step in my bedroom without permission. If I could hang a no trespassing sign on my doorknob, I would. It would be overwhelminging and would surely take me a while to get used to welcoming a new intruder into my personal space where it has been left untouched for so long.
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But not being used to having someone in their lives isn't a sufficient excuse for why so many young people are not getting married in Beijing. The reality is, when looking for partners, parents often get in the way of their children making their own judgments of their partners. They impose certain qualities they are looking for in a partner on their children. Chinese parents cannot be more aware of how much financial stress there is for their children to make a living in Beijing. The general agreement among them is that women should seek a guy that can at least afford a house and car before marriage. But this is certainly no easy task for men, considering the skyrocketing housing prices in Beijing, therefore making it a huge financial burden for men who are delaying marriage until they can save up enough. Meanwhile, Beijingers are now seeing the highest divorce rates among all provinces in China as 37 percent of marriages end in divorce. (Jilin, the second-highest, sees a rate of just 33 percent.) That doesn't bode well for those diving hastily into an unsure marriage.

On the other hand, major cities, including Beijing, have seen a mindset shift on women's traditional roles in a house. Men are no longer perceived as sole breadwinners in Chinese society, while women are often vested in achieving financial independence on their own. When a certain group of women are transforming themselves to adapt to a world where they no longer need men to support them financially, they don't really mind staying single if they cannot find a compatible partner. Marriage for them is certainly not considered the end goal to achieve a well-lived life.

That brings down to the ultimate question for many young people: Do we really need a co-dependent relationship with someone else to fix our problems without compromising our own needs and wholeness? I see a world where more and more people share the physical bond with someone without figuring out if they are the type of person that they are truly compatible with. Maybe, there will be a time when I decide to settle down and have a family, but until then, I will have focus on myself and acknowledge that humans are species that will be alone for an indefinite amount of time until the right one comes along.

Image: Unsplash

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