Pen & Paper Replace Small Talk at Beijing’s Silent Mixer

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Beijing is a big city, and like any big city, to stand here out you’ve got to be a bit louder and more charismatic than most; a true extrovert. For those of us who are introverts, this makes life here a bit harder. How can we get past awkward small talk if we don’t feel like talking much at all?

One foreign resident in Beijing, Lauren Elizabeth, has formed an event to help introverts break out of their shells with a social mixer event that foregoes the small talk in favor of words put to paper.

How long have you been here in Beijing and what do you do for a living?
I’ve been in Beijing for a little over 2.5 years. I’m an English for Academic Purposes lecturer at a university here.

What gave you the idea for this event?
The idea came to me a few years ago while I was living my best introverted life in Vietnam. I’ve never been particularly good at making small talk, and truth be told, I personally hate it, so I did some brainstorming on alternative ways to meet people that would skip all the superficial banter. I made a post on social media just to throw the idea out into the world. I said something along the lines of, “It’s like speed dating, but instead of speaking, you have to write to each other,” and I was surprised by the outpouring of encouragement I received.

Near the end of 2019 I was given the opportunity to test pilot my event, Silent Speed Date, at Camera Stylo, here in Beijing. The start of the evening turned out to be disastrous with roughly 25 female participants and only 4 or 5 male participants in attendance, but by the end I knew that this was something unique. Silent Speed Date has evolved a lot since that chilly December evening, most notably the name change to Silent Mixer.

What do you notice about people coming into a mixer versus going out?
I think most people who join Silent Mixer come in a little apprehensive and unsure of how the event works but are open-minded and curious about the concept. Rarely does anyone come in with high expectations of finding true love, though I have seen a few people leave together…

After the first few rotations, everyone always appears more relaxed and comfortable with the format. During the break, there is a chance for everyone to mingle, and by the end I often see WeChats exchanged, and friendships formed. Usually, I’ll overhear some positive feedback about how the event exceeded someone’s expectations.

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Is there a stigma towards shyness in China or elsewhere? How might this affect the event?
I would say culturally people tend to be more reserved, though the idea stemmed from my own introversion and is less about shyness. Not everyone who attends is a fellow introvert. I would say it takes some level of confidence to face a stranger and write to them, however, I think the anonymity of it all significantly reduces the social anxiety one might feel in most other social settings. Participants are told at the start of the activity not to sign their own names on the notes. This gives people the creative freedom to express themselves without the fear of being judged.

What's the most creative note you’ve seen at Silent Mixer?
I’ve seen so many lovely and creative notes. Some are poetic. Some are humorous. Sometimes people choose to draw. Others share an observation or pose a question to the person they are writing to.

There is one note that was left uncollected after the first event, and it has been living on my refrigerator door ever since. The note says,

“I have a memory of a person like you.
A soul full of literature,
two eyes a bit tired.”

I really love that one.

What do you love most about organizing and leading an event like this?
My favorite part of the evening is after the break once all the notes have been redistributed to their rightful owners and everyone is sat in a circle. I love to see the reactions as everyone reads through their notes. Those who wish to find out the writer of up to two notes can share them with the group at that time. If there is laughter and joy, then I feel like it was a success. Seeing people stick around after to continue chatting is a bonus.

Will there be any changes to mixers in the future?
One thing that was suggested to me last year was to have themed rounds. It’s something I’m still considering. 

How can people take part in the next silent mixer?
Make sure to follow the Camera Stylo account (camerastylo) on WeChat. CS is not only the host venue of Silent Mixer, but they’ve got tons of other wonderful events each month. As soon as this event is posted, just scan the QR code to grab your spot! This event is limited to 24 seats.

Hope to see some new faces at future Silent Mixers!

Images: Lauren Elizabeth

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