Helping, fixing or serving

I went through this quote the other day, by Rachel Naomi Remen, that invited me to reflect on how I see empathetic listening as a process of serving life. 

“Helping, fixing, and serving represent three different ways of seeing life. When you help, you see life as weak. When you fix, you see life as broken. When you serve, you see life as whole. Fixing and helping may be the work of the ego, and service the work of the soul.” 

(full text here: http://www.dailygood.org/view.php?sid=218)

Rachel Naomi Remen

I love it when I can connect with a person to the point I can see through her eyes, hear through her ears, feel through her heart. That is for me the definition of serving, as if I was letting the other person using my heart to mirror and channel what is going on in her. Empathy from a NVC perspective doesn’t come from the mind, when it comes from the mind, there is a separation between you and the other person, that’s where we are trying to help or fix. What we call empathy in NVC is that capacity to serve, to be that compassionate echo that will accompany the person to go back to her own heart. 

It is not always easy to be in that space. At first, when giving empathy, it might start from my mind, because I am myself not completely connected with my body, and still wandering in my thoughts. The questions come: “how can I help, what should I fix?”. Then I remember I am not here to help nor to fix. I remember that the other person is not weak, nor broken. All she needs is to hear herself so that she can remember that she is actually whole and resourceful.

“We serve life not because it is broken but because it is holy.”  

Rachel Naomi Remen

Then I remember what I enjoy the most in life when connecting with someone: serving. Little by little, I get calmer, I start trusting my own body sensations so I can hear her body sensations. In her presence, chances are high that some of my feelings are actually hers. Conversely, she also receives my energy: the more present I am, the easier it is for her to dive into her deep feelings.  

When mirror neurons are connecting

There is a simple explanation to that, coming from the neuroscience. As humans we use our mirror neurons to connect to each other. We naturally have that capacity, we don’t need to force anything or learn any technique. Did you ever notice how the entrance of a person in a room full of people suddenly modifies the atmosphere? Or how you can get anxious when being surrounded by anxious people? And think about how laughing or yawning is contagious! Empathy is happening naturally, all the time, but because we put our attention on a thousand other things at the same time, we don’t really notice it. 

Some people think that being empathic is about understanding others, whereas empathy is exactly the opposite: it is about stopping trying to understand. Empathetic listening is the mindfulness practice of quieting the mind and observing without any judgment what arises in me when connecting with someone. It is about developing the trust that my soul and my body ARE listening to the other, without me having to do anything – not trying to help nor trying to fix.

Because “doing nothing” is actually very difficult for our modern mind, Marshall Rosenberg got the incredible idea to give it something to “chew”: vocabulary lists of feelings and needs. When your mind is busy trying to guess what the feelings and needs of the other person are, it is not busy judging, comparing, trying to fix, solving, nor giving advice. 

I developed that trust in the process because I received this deep presence from various NVC and Mindfulness practitioners, and I know the effect it had on me. When a person trusts herself enough to be still, fully present, fully embracing her own emotions, it helps me to trust her and to unveil both my beauty and my ugliness to her. I trust that I have space to express my emotions and that I won’t be judged.

"Empathy lies in our ability to be present."

Marshall Rosenberg

Remembering how those people offered me their presence (and how savoring it was to receive it) helps me to offer my own presence fearlessly to someone else. Then slowly I dive into the depth of my unconsciousness. My whole being is a big open window. My soul is ready to welcome whatever comes from the other. Anger, anxiety, sadness, joy, tenderness... the emotional charge is not a burden at all, on the contrary, it is like being massaged by the waves of the big ocean I am swimming in. 

There is no fear, and if I feel some fear, I might ask the other person “are you feeling afraid?”, because I know I simply am the vessel for her emotions. 

Mindfully yours, Julia. 

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