Cultivating A Spirit of Inclusivity For Differently-Abled Peers

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“Everyone needs something different, and everyone gets what they need.”

It was a mantra in our 4’s classroom for a year. We had a student who was biologically 7 years old, but cognitively 4. He had arrived in October after the deadline to enroll in the “special needs” schools and none of the mainstream programs were willing to take on his “challenging circumstances.” Mom was at her wit’s end and came to me asking if she provided a full-time one-to-one specialist for him, would we allow him in our 4’s program until the end of the year. I felt like we couldn’t turn her or her child away. But I was nervous, this would be a big challenge and a strain on our resources. I pulled the teaching team together and we talked.

As educators, we wanted to do the best for a child who clearly needed extra support and attention but we also had to make sure the rest of our students didn’t feel neglected. We worried that we didn’t have the necessary skills to balance everyone’s needs, that parents would complain or that worst of all, we might make a well-intentioned mistake and damage a child’s already delicate development.

But the teachers were dedicated and sought out various training and resources, often at their own expense, and the parents went out of their way to communicate their support and offer help. As a result, the kids were warm and welcoming to their new classmate. There were some rough moments to be sure but on the whole, they were compassionate. For those of you working towards raising empathetic and inclusive humans, these are a few of my take-aways from that profound year.

“What’s wrong with them?”

This is a common question. Children are observant and curious. So the first thing to do when you hear that question – especially if the child in question heard it too – is stay calm and don’t be embarrassed. Then respond with “Nothing is wrong with them. They are just a little different.” If there is an obvious physical issue address it. “Nothing is wrong with them. The muscles in their legs work differently than yours do, but I bet he has really strong arms to be able to roll those big wheels on his chair!”

“Why do they get special privileges?”

"Why do they get special privileges?"

This was a big one in our classroom. Most children have an innate sense of fairness and anything that feels unbalanced will generally be challenged. Our new student needed more frequent breaks than the others. About every 30 minutes, he would start to become overwhelmed and a member of staff would remove him from the environment for a quick breather. This led to some indignation and a girl who demanded, “Why does he get extra recess?” We talked about how everyone has different needs and as a community, we support those needs. We then talked about times they received extra help. This was where we introduced the idea that “everyone needs something different and everyone gets what they need.”

Talk with your kids about a time they got extra help. Like the time they were too tired to walk home from the park and dad carried them, or the day they had to go to the bathroom really badly and all the adults let them cut the line. They don’t need to be dramatic events, just everyday moments when someone else met their needs even though it wasn’t technically “fair.”

“Will I get sick too?”

This one threw me for a loop when a child asked it. But it makes sense. Children associate physical issues with the hospital and getting sick. In their minds, walkers, wheelchairs, muscle ticks, and the like are directly linked to illness. Gently tell them this person is not sick, their body just works differently. Remind them there is nothing wrong with their friend and that it is perfectly safe to be around them and play with them.

“Why won’t he let me help him?”

This one was asked tearfully after a blow-up when one little girl very kindly tried to trade our student’s broken crayon for a fresh one. However, it also played out when kids wanted to hug their friend or hold his hand. Make sure you let your child know you love how kind they are being but it is respectful to first ask if someone wants help or physical contact. Despite a child’s best empathetic intentions, help or even physical affection may not be what that person needs. The truth is asking permission is a good rule to follow whenever you want to hug or help anyone, regardless of their ability status.

Those were some of the big questions we had to answer but two other things made a world of difference.

Address it head-on

We had a little time before the new student came to class so, with the mom’s permission, we sent a letter home to the parents along with a photo of our new classmate and asked them to talk to their child beforehand. We asked them to convey some of the differences they would see and, at the mom’s suggestion, we also listed a few things the child liked. Ice cream, riding bikes, basketball, and Laurie Berkner songs. This was a stroke of genius because it took the focus off of what was different about our friend and drew attention to what we all had in common. We reinforced this idea in class in the days leading up to our new classmate’s arrival.

If you know your child will be interacting with a differently-abled person just talk about it ahead of time. Remind them that there is nothing wrong, they are a person just like us but they might need some things that we don’t.

Model the behavior you want to see

Rob Reiner could not have directed a more emotionally beautiful first-day scene. Every parent walked into drop-off, quietly said hello to the new child, and asked for a high five or fist bump. As a group, they then turned to the mom and asked her if she wanted to go get coffee with them after drop-off. They showed their children that these were now members of our community and that they accepted them.

It was an incredible reminder that compassionate, empathetic kids are the product of compassionate, empathetic adults. They do as we do, not as we say!

I won’t lie, it was a challenging year. But it was also rewarding. Towards the end of the school year, we were on the playground and one of the kids started complaining “he always takes the biggest scooter!”

Before a teacher could respond, the same little girl who had gotten upset about recess privileges at the start of the year responded, “It’s cause he’s bigger, he needs it! And everybody gets what they need!”

Images: Pexels

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