They Said What?! Holiday Party Edition

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Tis' the season…for office parties. While most of us smile politely while powering through the small talk and punch bowl, a few less aware colleagues make these events deliciously reminiscent of a Real Housewives episode.

 Secret Santa Fail

At last year's secret Santa swap we all had to open our gifts in front of the rest of the office. I was gifted a…personal pleasure device. Thanks, Santa.

My secret Santa got me a pet snake…why?!

Spray that smelled like actual farts. Um, thanks?

Just had a baby, was given stretch mark lotion by a 22-year-old former bikini model

The term “Open Bar” is not a challenge

I was put in charge of organizing the holiday office happy hour a few years ago and my budget was tight. In order to have an open bar instead of drink tickets, I opted to have simpler appetizers rather than a full spread. Bad move. One member of the team took full advantage of the bar and slurred directly into a live mic, “Who is the cheap *expletive* who wouldn’t spring for decent food?”

Everyone, please…It’s a work event. Stop after a drink or two! I’m in HR and we had a colleague who went way overboard with the nog one year. They got so drunk they couldn’t find the hotel bathroom and decided to relieve themselves in the lobby Christmas tree. I managed to keep them out of jail but needless to say they were politely asked to leave the project and return to our home country where, shocker, an exit interview was waiting.

Bad Santa

Several years ago my office hired an actor to dress up as Santa Claus for the employee’s children. He spent most of the party ignoring the kids and aiming holiday innuendo at the moms. It was getting really uncomfortable when a little girl felt enough was enough and screamed at him, “You are a bad Santa! No cookies for you!”

Impressing the boss

My wife and I don’t do the whole Santa thing. Our kids know the presents come from us and that Santa is a nice idea and a fun tradition but is not a real person. We probably should have told them that some people do believe, however, and that that’s okay. One year we arrived at a casual family holiday party hosted at our VP’s home. When the family opened the door to welcome us my boss's daughter excitedly informed my son “Santa is coming tonight! We get to meet him!”  My son promptly crushed all her hopes and dreams by stating matter-of-factly “That dude's not real, duh!” It was an awkward evening after that.

A friend of mine was invited to have a holiday dinner with her husband's colleagues. After several months of being a full-time stay-at-home-mom to a precocious toddler, she gleefully prepared for a “grown-up night out!” She bought a new dress, went to the gym, and obsessively boned up on current events to ensure she would have interesting small talk that didn’t involve pacifiers, diapers, or a Wiggles reunion tour. At dinner, she was seated next to the bosses’ boss and cheerfully put all her research to good use. As she eloquently spoke about world politics, sustainable fashion, and the climate crisis she noticed him starring at her with rapt attention. She was incredibly proud of how well she was holding the conversation until he remarked, “That’s all very interesting but would you mind if I cut my own steak?” She looked down and saw she had automatically been slicing his food into toddler-sized bites as she spoke.

Your turn, tell us your best holiday party "They said what?" moment below in the comments!

Images: Canva and Unsplash

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