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[9.30-462]TED演讲：从离婚的角度思考，如何拥有好的婚姻？
哈佛法学院教授Jeannie Suk Gersen说，为了理解婚姻的运作原理，我们需要讨论为什么有时候人们会离婚。这也许不太浪漫，但很重要。
她从离婚的角度，启发我们思考婚姻中非常重要的三个隐性规则。当你越早了解这些规则，你就越容易做出正确的决定， 建立幸福、长久的婚姻。
演讲者：Jeannie Suk Gersen
法律学者、作家，哈佛法学院法学教授，她教授的课程涉及婚姻和家庭法的各个方面，在加入哈佛大学之前，曾在曼哈顿地区检察官办公室担任助理地区检察官。
"Till death do us part." When we get married, we make vows. To love, to honor, to forsake all others. Or as a friend of mine put it, "Not to leave dirty socks all over the house."
“直到死亡将我们分开”。结婚时，我们许下誓言，彼此相爱，尊重对方，愿为彼此舍弃一切。又或，像我的一个朋友说的那样，“不要把脏袜子扔得满屋子都是。”
We may fall short of some of our promises some of the time, but one that will always hold true is that first one: "Till death do us part." Because spouses are bound together by their decisions, in marriage and in divorce.有的时候，我们可能无法兑现某些承诺，但有一个承诺是永远奏效的，那就是第一个: “直到死亡将我们分开”。因为无论结婚还是离异，夫妻双方都被他们的决定绑在一起。
So, a mentor of mine once told me, "You should always marry your second husband first."所以，我的一位导师曾经告诉我，“你应该总是先嫁给你的第二任丈夫”
What did that mean? It didn't mean that Mr. Right is somehow waiting behind door number two. It meant that if you want to understand what makes a marriage work, you should think about how a marriage ends. Divorce makes extremely explicit what the tacit rules of marriage are.这是什么意思? 这并不意味着“真命天子”在二号门后等着你。这意味着如果你想理解什么使婚姻美满，你应该先想想婚姻是如何结束的。离婚，把婚姻里的隐性规则，展现的淋漓尽致。
And everyone should understand those rules, because doing so can help us build better marriages from the beginning. I know, it doesn't sound very romantic, but sometimes the things we do out of love can be the very things that make it hard for that love to last.每个人都应该了解这些规则，因为这样做可以帮助我们，从一开始就建立更好的婚姻。我知道，这听起来不太浪漫。但有时，我们出于爱所做的事，却让爱情难以持久。
I am a family-law professor. I have taught students, I've been an attorney, I'm a mediator and I've also been divorced. And I'm now happily married to my actual second husband.我是一名家庭法教授。我教过学生，当过律师，做过调解员，还离过婚。现在我已经和我的第二任丈夫幸福地结婚了。
The reason that I think this is so important is that I think everyone should be having some of these very painful conversations that divorced people experience. These are painful conversations about what we contributed, what we owe, what we are willing to give and what we give up. And also, what's important to us.我认为这很重要的原因是，每个人都应该经历一些离婚人士经历过的，非常痛苦的谈话。这些痛苦的对话是关于我们贡献了什么，亏欠了什么，愿意付出什么，以及我们为此放弃了什么。还有，什么对我们来说是重要的。
Those conversations should be happening in a good marriage, not after it is broken. Because when you wait until it's broken, it's too late. But if you have them early on, they can actually help build a better marriage.这些对话应该发生在美满的婚姻中，而不是在婚姻破裂后。因为等到婚姻破裂后，一切已经太迟了！但如果你在早期这么做，它们实际上可以帮助你建立一个更好的婚姻。
Three ideas that I want to put on the table for you to consider. One, sacrifice should be thought of as a fair exchange. Two, there's no such thing as free childcare. And three, what's yours probably becomes ours. So let me talk about each of these ideas.我有3个想法供你参考。首先，牺牲应该被认为是一种公平的交换。第二，世界上没有免费的儿童保育服务。第三，你的东西可能会变成你们的。让我来谈谈这些想法。
The first one, sacrifice should be a fair exchange. Take the example of Lisa and Andy. Lisa decides to go to medical school early in the marriage, and Andy works to support them.第一个, 牺牲应该是公平的交换。以丽莎和安迪为例。丽莎决定在结婚初期上医学院，由安迪上班养家。
And Andy works night shifts in order to do that, and he also gives up a great job in another city. He does this out of love. But of course, he also understands that Lisa's degree will benefit them both in the end.安迪为此上夜班，并放弃了在另一个城市的一份好工作。他出于爱而这样做。当然，他也明白丽萨的学位最终会让他俩受益。
But after a few years, Andy becomes neglected and resentful. And he starts drinking heavily. And Lisa looks at her life and she looks at Andy and she thinks, "This is not the bargain I wanted to make." A couple of years go by, she graduates from medical school, and she files for a divorce.但几年后，安迪感到被忽视了，变得愤愤不平！他开始酗酒。丽莎看着她的生活，看着安迪，她想，“这不是我想要的交易。”几年过去了，她从医学院毕业，她提出离婚。
So in my perfect world, some kind of marriage mediator would have been able to talk to them before Lisa went to medical school. And at that point, that mediator might have asked, "How exactly does fair exchange work? What does it look like in your marriage? What are you willing to give and what are you willing to owe?"在我的理想世界里，在丽萨去医学院之前，某个”婚姻调解员“就本应该和他们聊聊了！那时，调解员可能会问，“公平交换在婚姻中究竟是如何运作的?”它在婚姻中是如何体现的? 你愿意付出什么，亏欠什么?”
So in a divorce, Lisa now probably is going to owe Andy financial support for years. And Andy ... no amount of financial support is going to make him feel compensated for what he gave up, and the lost traction in his career.所以离婚时，丽莎可能会欠安迪多年的财务支持。而安迪…再多的财务支持也无法让他感到，得到了偿还，无法弥补他为此曾放弃的东西，和在职业生涯中失去的机会。
If the two of them had thought about their split early on, what might have gone differently? Well, it's possible that Lisa would have decided that she would take loans or work a part-time job in order to support her own tuition so that Andy wouldn't have had to bear the entire burden for that.如果他们俩早就考虑过离婚结局会有什么不同呢? 好吧，很有可能丽莎会决定贷款或做兼职来支付自己的学费，这样安迪就不必为此承担所有的负担。
And Andy might have decided to take that job in that other city and maybe the two of them would have commuted for a couple of years while Lisa finished her degree.安迪，可能会决定去另一个城市，接受那份工作。也许他们两个会在丽萨完成学业前，异地奔波几年。
So let's take another couple, Emily and Deb. They live in a big city, they have two children, they both work. Emily gets a job in a small town, and they decide to move there together. And Deb quits her job to look after the children full-time.我们再来看看另一对情侣，艾米丽和黛布。他们住在大城市，有两个孩子，彼此都有工作。艾米丽在一个小镇上找到了一份新工作，他们决定一起搬到那里去。黛布辞去了工作，专职照顾孩子们。
Deb leaves behind an extended family, her friends and a job that she really liked. And in that small town, Deb starts to feel isolated and lonely. And 10 years later, Deb has an affair, and things fall apart.为此，黛布离开了自己的大家庭和朋友，以及一份她很喜欢的工作。在那个小镇上，黛布开始感到孤独和寂寞。十年后，黛布有了外遇，一切分崩离析。
Now, the marriage mediator who would have come in before they moved and before Deb quit her job might have asked them, "What do your choices about childcare do to the obligations you have to each other? How do they affect your relationship? Because you have to remember that there is no such thing as free childcare."想想，某个“婚姻调解人”本可以在他们搬家前，或黛布辞职前过来，问他们: “你们在育儿方面的选择，对你们对彼此的义务有什么影响? 它将如何影响你们的夫妻关系? 因为你要记住世界上没有免费的儿童保育服务。”
If the two of them had thought about their split beforehand, what would have gone differently? Well, maybe Deb would have realized a little better how much her family and her friends were important to her precisely in what she was taking on, which is full-time parenthood.如果他们两人事先考虑过离婚，结果会有什么不同呢? 也许黛布会更好地意识到她的家人和朋友对她有多重要，确切地知道她扮演的角色：全职父母意味着什么。
Perhaps Emily, in weighing the excitement of the new job offer might have also thought about what that would mean for the cost to Deb and what would be owed to Deb as a result of her taking on full-time parenthood.也许艾米丽, 在权衡这份新工作带来的兴奋之情时，也会考虑，黛布为此付出的代价是什么，以及黛布全职带娃后，她会亏欠黛布多少 。
So, let's go back to Lisa and Andy. Lisa had an inheritance from her grandmother before the marriage. And when they got married, they bought a home, and Lisa put that inheritance toward a down payment on that home. And then Andy of course worked to make the mortgage payments.那么，让我们回到丽莎和安迪。结婚前，她从祖母那里继承了一笔遗产之前的婚姻。当他们结婚时，他们买了房子，丽莎将遗产用于了房子的首付，安迪工作付房贷。
And all of their premarital and marital property became joined. That inheritance is now marital property. So, in a split, what's going to happen? They're going to have to sell the house and split the proceeds, or one of them can buy the other out.他们所有的婚前财产和婚姻财产都合在一起了。那份遗产现在是夫妻的共有财产。那么，离婚后，会发生什么呢? 他们将不得不卖掉房子并平分收益，或者其中一方可以买下另一方的。
So this marriage mediator, if they had talked to them before all of this happened, that person would have asked, "What do you want to keep separate and what do you want to keep together? And how does that choice actually support the security of the marriage? Because you have to remember that what's yours, probably, will become ours, unless you actually are mindful and take steps to do otherwise."那么，如果婚姻调解员在这一切发生之前和他们谈过，他就会问，“哪些你们想个人私有，哪些想共同拥有？”这一选择，又是如何保障婚姻安全的呢? 因为你必须记住，除非你有特别留意，并采取相应措施，否则，你的东西很可能会变成你们的 。
So if they had thought about their split, maybe they would have decided differently, maybe Lisa would have thought, "Maybe the inheritance can stay separate," and saved for a day when they might actually need it.因此，如果他们考虑过离婚，他们也许会有不同的决定，也许丽莎会想，“也许遗产可以单独分开，”然后存起来以备不时之需。
And maybe the mortgage that they took on wouldn't have been as onerous, and maybe Andy wouldn't have had to work so hard to make those payments. And maybe he would have become less resentful. Maybe they would have lived in a smaller house and been content to do that.也许他们的房贷就不会那么重，也许安迪就不用那么辛苦地工作来支付这些费用。也许他会变得不那么怨愤。也许他们会住在小一点的房子里，安得其乐。
The point is, if they had had a divorce-conscious discussion about what to keep separate, their marriage might have been more connected and more together. Too often in marriage, we make sacrifices, and we demand them, without reckoning their cost. But there is wisdom in looking at the price tags attached to our marital decisions in just the way that divorce law teaches us to do.关键是, 如果他们有过离婚意识的讨论，讨论什么该分开，他们的婚姻本可以更亲密无间。在婚姻中，我们经常会做出牺牲，会要求对方，却未考虑对方所付出的代价。但是，衡量我们婚姻中所做决定的代价是明智的，就像离婚法教我们的那样。
What I want is for people to think about their marital bargains through the lens of divorce. And to ask, "How is marriage a sacrifice, but an exchange of sacrifice? How do we think about our exchange?"我想要的是人们可以通过离婚的视角来思考自己的婚姻“交易”，并问自己, “如果婚姻是一场牺牲，你愿意牺牲什么来交换? 我们该如何看待彼此的交换?”
Second: "How do we think about childcare and deal with the fact that there is no such thing as free childcare?" "How do we deal with the fact that some things can be separate and some things can be together, and if we don't think about it, then it will all be part of the joint enterprise."第二点: “我们如何看待育儿，如何应对没有免费儿童保育这一事实? 我们如何处理这样的现实：“有些东西能分开，而有的要合在一起，如果置之不理，那么，它将成为合伙企业的一部分。”
So basically, what I want to leave you with is that in marriage or divorce, people should think about the way that "till death do us part" marriage is forever.因此，基本说来，我想告诉你们的是，无论是结婚还是离婚，都应该想想“直到死亡将我们分开”的婚姻是永远的。
Thank you.谢谢
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