面子算什么？重要的是找回真实的自己

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老桑说

“

当我们痴迷于给他人留下深刻印象时，就有可能为了所谓的“面子”而丢掉自己真正的“自我”。

”

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「  朋友，你好，我是老桑。」

理解“面子”的概念对于洞悉中国文化至关重要。处理interpersonal（人际）关系的关键部分包括丢面子，保全面子，甚至是给面子。类似的概念在西方也存在，但没有达到如此广泛和多样的程度。事实上，“丢面子”在英语里其实是一种借用自汉语的用法。

“面子”一词吸引我的地方不在于你怎样看待自己，而在于别人怎么评价你。“面子”往往不是根据客观标准来评判的，而是以主观标准来判断的。为了保全面子，我们常常试图去迎合别人对自己的期望，甚至允许自己受限于他人的观念。

当我们痴迷于给他人留下深刻印象时，就有可能为了所谓的“面子”而丢掉自己真正的“自我”。就像戴面具一样。

“面子”是一个复杂的概念，在不同的文化背景下有许多种含义。一般来说，可以分为以下三种：

丢面子

意为感到没有得到尊重，受到羞辱或处于尴尬的境地。

保全面子

为了保持尊重的态度，免于羞辱或是awkward（尴尬的）处境。

给面子

以尊重、荣誉和尊严来面对或对待某人。

当我们丢脸时，我们会为别人对自己的看法而感到羞愧。当我们保全面子的时候，我们会感到自己受到了别人的尊重，即使这种保全面子的行为有些肤浅，只是为了让我们觉得自己保留了面子。当我们给他人面子时，我们也希望别人会感激这种对他们的尊重，常常希望在现在或者将来得到一些回报。

换句话说，在面子的游戏中，我们经常会担心别人怎样看待我们。他们如何评判我们intrinsic（本质上）无关紧要。他们今天对我们的看法可能明天就会改变。而人们的洞察力才是最重要的。

我知道面子很重要，所有人都想把最好的一面展现出来。许多文化中都有这种观念。然而，我认为重要的是如何调整自己看待“面子”的态度，而不是为其所限。

活出真实的自己，而不是为了满足别人的期望。

在生活中，总有人试图将他人改造成自己所希望成为的样子。做你自己，坚强地站在自己的自我形象中是需要勇气的。然而，我们经常缺乏安全感，忧虑别人对我们的看法。当我们改变每一处观点或意见，试图去迎合人们的看法时，实际上在过着一种被人操纵的生活。这是非常心累的。

我明白你不能让每个人都开心，也不能让每个人都喜欢你。我从未见过一个人能驳倒所有的批评意见。事实上，你在生活中取得的成就越多，讨厌你的人也就越多。许多成功的企业家说，批评和拒绝实际上锻炼了他们成功的能力。

更重要的是，即使做出了改变，并且完全按照别人的要求来生活，他们还是会挑你的错。这通常是没有赢家的，在这种情况下，你要不断努力实现一个不断变化的标准。这就是为什么需要把自己从取悦他人的想法中解放出来，同时为自己的成长和进步设定标准是非常必要的。

当然,我们也需要接受建设性的批评意见，帮助我们更充分地了解和改进自身。当我们得到了帮助和支持，这种反馈对我们就是有价值的。收获建议并听取意见是非常有益的，但你必须有足够的信心做出自己的选择。

如果你已经尽力了，那就专注于自己的计划和目标。如果你能抛开其他人的成见，就有可能上升到一个全新的高度。我们常常花太多的时间在试图给别人留下深刻的印象上，从而获得他们的认可，担心他们会怎么想。当我们总是想去保全面子时，可能就会基于那些表面化的事情做出判断。

但一旦当你坚持做真实的自己，也许会让一些人失望。你可能会在他们眼中丢面子。但我认为，更重要的是实现你的目标，而不是别人的。最后，走自己的路，别在意其他人的看法。

“

因为他们喜爱世人的光荣，胜过天主的光荣。（若望12:43）

”

决定给某人“保全面子”，还是听从他们的建议，一个很好的方法是扪心自问有无欣赏并想成为的那个人。

这是我最喜欢的判断标准。当我收到他人的反馈或是担忧自己在别人心目中的名望时，我经常问:“这个人是谁……我想成为他们那样的人吗？”如果答案是肯定的，那么我会反思并采取行动。如果没有，我会做出独立的判断。通常，批评的声音充满了嫉妒、憎恨和恐惧，而他们的批评实则为一种自我不满的外化。

每个人都有自己的观点，人们会很快告诉你如何管理生活。如果你试图取悦所有人，就会变得困惑而frustrate（沮丧），因为生活中其他人对你有着不同的期望。如果你试图取悦每一个人，最后唯一不快乐的人只会是自己。

“每个人都有自己的意见。而我完全有权选择不去听从。”

如果仔细看看那些影响你生活的人，他们往往连自己的生活都无法掌控，更不用说给你提供建议了。当你感到pressure（有压力）的时候，你可以说：“谢谢你。我很感激你的建议，但请别为我操心了。”

严苛的人们都是自制的。他们并不对你本人感兴趣，而在乎的是能为他们做些什么。如果你陷入了不断取悦陷阱，给他们面子，最终会让你筋疲力尽。你应该把精力投入自己的计划和目标上，而不是试图讨好他人。

生命短暂，你的时间异常宝贵，想办法让每个人都开心是“得不偿失”的做法。我遇到过一些人，他们花更多的时间担心别人怎么看他们，而不是追求自己的梦想。你应该拥有自我设定标准的自由。这样当你成功时，自然就能获得很多脸面。

为了让生命充盈，你必须坚强。做真实的自己，最终你一定能赢得别人的赞赏。

我的朋友，不要用自己的标准来要求他人。做真实的自己，专注于长远目标。虽然对他人的评价保持敏感很重要，但考虑信息来源也很重要。如果你是认真和真诚的，即使是在那些你并不在乎的人面前丢了面子，只要你能够竭尽全力，仍然能赢得更多的尊重!

本文部分图片来源网络。

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英文版

English

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Losing your face to save it

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「 Hello, my friend！

I'm John Smagula. 」

Understanding the concept of “face” is crucial to understanding Chinese culture. A key part of interpersonal relations involves losing face, saving face, and even giving face. Similar concepts exist in the West, but not to such a broad and varied extent. In fact, to “lose face” in English is a borrowed term from Chinese. 

What fascinates me about “face” is that it is not based upon what you think about yourself, but rather, what others think about you. “Face” is often not judged by objective standards, but generally by a subjective standard. We often try to fit ourselves into other’s expectations of us in order to save face, even allowing ourselves to be controlled by other’s perceptions.

As we obsess about trying to impress others, we can actually lose our “real” face to “save” one that’s not really our own. It's like wearing a mask.

“Face” is a complex concept that has many meanings in different cultures. In general, there are three variations:

Lose face

to suffer a loss of respect, be humiliated, or be placed in an awkward situation.

Save face

to retain respect, avoid humiliation, or be saved from an awkward situation.

Give face

to show or treat someone with respect, honor, and dignity.

When we lose face, we feel ashamed by what others think about us. When we save face, we feel respected by others, even if this saving face is superficial and done simply so we can feel like we have saved face. When we give face, we hope others will appreciate our respect for them, often in hopes of receiving something in return—now or in the future.

In other words, in the face game, we are often concerned about others will think about us. Whether or not their thoughts are intrinsically true is irrelevant. What they think of us today may change tomorrow. Their perception is all that matters.

I know that appearances are important and that we want to put our best foot forward. This is true in many cultures. Yet I think it’s important to try to control how you see your “face” and not be controlled by it.

Be true to who you are, and do not live to meet the expectations of everyone else.

In life, there will always be people who try to squeeze you into their mold. It takes boldness to be yourself and stand strong in your own self-image. Yet we are often insecure and worry about what everybody thinks about us. When we change with every opinion or criticism, or try to play up to people, then we can actually go through life being manipulated. It’s exhausting, too.

I have learned that you can’t keep every person happy, nor can you make everyone like you. I have never met anyone who has won over all of their critics. In fact, the more you achieve in life, the more haters you may have. Many successful entrepreneurs say that criticism and rejection actually built their capacity to succeed.

What’s more, even if you change and do exactly what others ask of you, they would still find fault. It’s often a no-win situation, where you are constantly struggling to achieve an ever-shifting standard. This is why it is important to free yourself from trying to please everyone and set your own standards for growth and advancement.

Of course, we need to accept constructive criticism to help us learn more about ourselves and improve. When given in a spirit to help us and support, this feedback can be valuable to us. It's good to get advice and listen to opinions, but you have to be confident enough to make your own choices.

If you’re doing the best you can, then just stay focused on your plans and goals. You may rise to a whole new level if you set aside what everybody thinks. We often spend too much time trying to impress people, trying to gain their approval, and wondering what they might think. When we try to constantly save face, we may make decisions based on these superficial things. 

But when you stay true to who you really are, you may disappoint a few people along the way. You may lose face in their eyes. More important, I think, is to fulfill your purpose and not somebody else’s. In the end, run your own race, and not someone else’s. 

“

For they loved praise from men more than praise from God. (John 12:43)

”

A great way to determine whether you want to “save face” with someone, or heed their advice, is to ask yourself if you admire and want to become like that person.

This is my favorite standard. When I receive feedback or am concerned about my reputation with someone, I often ask, “Who is this person…and would I want to become like them?” If yes, then I’ll reflect and take action. If no, I’ll make an independent judgment. Often, critics are full of envy, hate, and fear, and their criticism is self-hate turned outward. 

Everyone has an opinion, and people will be quick to tell you how to run your life. If you try to please everybody, you’ll become confused and frustrated, as everyone in your life will have different expectations for you. If you try to please every person, the one person that will not be happy is you.

"Everyone has a right to their opinion. And I have every right not to listen to it."

If you study the people who are trying to run your life, they often can’t even run their own lives, much less yours. When you feel pressured by them, you can say, “Thanks, but no thanks. I appreciate your advice, but this time, it’s not for me.”

Some high maintenance people can be controllers. They are not interested in you, but in what you can do for them. If you fall into the trap of constantly trying to please them, to maintain face with them, it will eventually wear you out. Place your energies on your plans and goals, and less on trying to please everyone.

Life is short, and your time is too valuable to try to figure out how to keep everybody happy. I have met some people who have spent more time worrying about what people are going to think about them than they do pursuing their own dreams. Give yourself the freedom to try setting your own standards. As you succeed, you’ll naturally earn lots of face.

To fulfill your destiny, you have to be strong. By being true to yourself, eventually, you will earn the praise of other people.

My friend, don’t let people squeeze you into their molds. Stay true to yourself and focused on your goals. Although it’s important to be sensitive to other’s perceptions about you, it also important to consider the source. If you are earnest and sincere, working to the best of your ability, you’ll gain lots of face, even if you lose face among those from whom you don’t need it!

{  今日英文速记卡  }

1.Interpersonal 

\ ˌin-tər-ˈpərs-nəl \

a)含义：adj. 人际的

b)例句：

i.A key part of interpersonal relations involves losing face, saving face, and even giving face.

处理人际关系的包括丢面子，保全面子，甚至是给面子。

ii.Interpersonal communication is the communication between persons on the creation and relation of meaning.

人际传播是人与人之间的意义创造和意义关系的交流。

c)近义词： interrelated, relational, social

2.Awkward \ ˈȯ-kwərd \

a)含义：adj. 尴尬的；笨拙的

b)例句：

i.Save face: to retain respect, avoid humiliation, or be saved from an awkward situation.

保全面子：为了保持尊重的态度，免于羞辱或者避免尴尬的处境。

ii.We all want to make a good first impression and not get stuck in an awkward conversation.

我们都希望给人留下好的第一印象而且不要陷入一种尴尬的谈话中。

c)近义词：disconcerting, embarrassing, uncomfortable

3.Intrinsic \ in-ˈtrin-zik \

a)含义：adj. 本质的；固有的

b)例句：

i.Whether or not their thoughts are intrinsically true is irrelevant.

他们的想法本质上是否正确的无关紧要。

ii.Small local shops are intrinsic to the town's character.

本地的一些小店铺是这个镇的基本特点。

c)近义词：inherent, innate, integral

4.Frustrate 

\ 'frʌstret  \

a)含义：v. 失败；受挫

b)例句：

i.If you try to please everybody, you’ll become confused and frustrated, as everyone in your life will have different expectations for you.

如果你试图取悦所有人，就会变得困惑而沮丧，因为生活中其他人对你有着有不同的期望。

ii.They made their preparations to frustrate the conspiracy.

他们作好准备挫败这个阴谋。

c)近义词：baffle, discomfit, thwart

5.Pressure \ ˈpre-shər \

a)含义：v. 迫使；密封

b)例句：

iii.When you feel pressured by them, you can say, “Thanks, but no thanks. I appreciate your advice, but this time, it’s not for me.”

当你感到有压力的时候，你可以说：“谢谢你。我很感激你的建议，但请别为我操心了。

iv.Don't let yourself be pressured into making a hasty decision.

不要勉强自己仓促做出决定。

c)近义词：coerce, constrain, force

Thank you for watching me to inspire, encourage, and accompany you. 

See you next time.

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John Smagula

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