“我做了很多！为什么没有人欣赏我？”
For English, please scroll to the bottom.
看英文内容，请直接滑动到底部。
老桑说
认可与尊重的艺术
▾
「 朋友，你好，我是老桑。」
你是否曾感到自己不被赏识？或者你觉得自己的成就没有得到认可?我们都渴望得到更多的赞美，但却无法得到。毕竟，当我们为别人做事情的时候，总还是期望得到回报的。
你在商店为他人扶着门，但他们只是径直走了进来，没有对你说声“谢谢”。
你为家人做饭，他们非但不感谢你，反而抱怨你花的时间太长，饭菜也不怎么样。
你工作努力，在某些工作项目上不时被他人所感激，但总的来说，你在内心深处仍感到不被赏识。
你打扫了自己的公寓，但你的丈夫告诉你不够干净。或者是你修理了家里的东西，而你的妻子甚至没有注意到。
你拿自己的薪水和别人的比较，觉得自己拿的薪水与自己的价值不相称。
你能对这些场景熟悉吗?我想我们都有类似的经历。65%的美国人认为自己在工作中感到不被赏识。在家里，感到不被重视和觉得自己不重要是导致离婚的主要原因。
当我们给予他人的时候，我们自己往往会感觉很好，但是我们也希望别人能感觉舒服。但当他们不认可我们的成就或不感谢我们的行动时，往往会认为自己没有被赏识和也无法满足。随着时间的推移，这可能会导致愤怒、沮丧和自哀的情绪。
你可以做点什么呢？方法如下:
当你感到不被赏识时，重要的是要先明确你希望得到赏识的原因。认识到自身感受所需要付出的gnawing（痛苦）是非常抽象的。它可以是一种普遍笼统的感觉，但是要清晰的认清它又不是能够只从宏观出发的。所以，与其哀叹自己“感觉不被赏识”，不如看看事实，说得更具体些，比如:
当我尽我最大的努力为我的家人做饭以后，而他们只是苛求于我，我感觉自己没有受到尊重。
当我在工作中达到了某些目标但却没有得到认可时，我觉得自己没有得到赏识。
多年来我一直忠于我的雇主，但从未获得过晋升。这种职位提升上的欠缺让我感到自己不被赏识。
我借给同学一些钱，他拒绝还我，说我不讲道理。我觉得他占了我的便宜。
通过构建问题的框架，你就可以找到自己失望的根源，这将使你更好地采取进一步的行动。同时，不要夸大问题。没有得到认可并不意味着人们不欣赏你。对自己诚实，但也要现实。这有助于你的判断处于正确的维度上。
“只是事实，女士”（“Just the facts, ma’am”）这句话说的是代表刚才的内容只说明发生了什么，没有夸张和修饰。它源自20世纪50年代的一部热门电视剧《天罗地网》(Dragnet)。在这部电视剧中，中士乔和他的同伴在洛杉矶对犯罪展开了methodical（条理清晰的）调查。
什么能让我在家里感受到更多的爱?
这段关系中缺失了什么?
我想从雇主那里得到什么我无法得到的东西?
例如，你可以说:“如果他晚饭后能洗碗，我将不胜感激。”他是否“应该”洗碗是另一个问题，但你至少是在把事实与一个能让你感觉更好且可观察到的行为联系起来。通过减少分析中的主观情绪，从而能给下一步的行为做一个更理性的评估。
由你决定自己想要的是什么从而能将信息传递给他人。
”正因为他人不一定擅长读心术，所以你必须和他们交流你想从他们那里得到什么。给他们一个理解和回应你的机会。这可以用一种非冲突性的方式来完成。例如，你可以说，“我知道你整天工作都很努力，我也一样。做完晚饭后，真希望有人能帮我洗洗碗。这会让我备受感激的。”
在工作中，你应该告诉别人你在做什么，以获得额外的认可。与其向同事抱怨事情有多糟糕，或者老板如何把自己的付出看作是理所应当的，还不如反过来brag（吹嘘）你创造了怎样不可思议的东西。通过这种方式，你就可以拥有对自身以及对世界所做出贡献的认同感。
你的老板最不希望听到的就是:“我做了那么多你不知道的事情来为团队做贡献，我真的不觉得自己得到了赏识!”额，倘若你不说你做了些什么，老板怎么能理解你的能力呢？
一个明智的做法是准备一份周报。对于我自己在天普大学的工作而言，我每周五都会准备一份报告交给院长，包括：
前一周的主要活动
未来两周的工作重点
手头上需要处理的工作
同事之间分享的关于上一周主要活动总结的内容
这个活动迫使我反思自己所做的事情，以及这些成就是如何与我的目标相一致的。即使你的老板布置这样的流程，你也可以自己做这种工作，这样你就可以记录下自己完成的工作。通过这种方式，如果你觉得自己的工作没有得到认可，或者你想提出要求，你就能够有证据来证明自己的价值。
也许你觉得自己怀才不遇。但“千里马常有,而伯乐不常有”。当你能够对他人说出你的能力与成就时，别人就能更好地理解你，这不仅关乎于你目前的老板，当然也可能是其他的地方，如果你目前所在的地方平台资源有限。
当你觉得自己欠缺什么时，一个补救办法就是把你缺少的东西给别人。因此，如果你想要更多的赞赏，一个好的策略就是给予他人更多的赞赏。但你并不是为了得到它而给予赞扬，因为那样会显得虚伪而自私。相反，你想成为自己想要得到的礼物。
你最后一次真诚地赞美你的伴侣、同学、同事，甚至自己的老板是什么时候呢?你可能从来没有想过要赞美别人，即使你觉得自己没有得到赏识。
例如，大多数人认为老板不需要表扬。他们认为努力工作，把工作做好是老板的本职。或者，他们不会表扬老板，因为他们从未想过这些。人际关系也是如此。即使我们做了自己应该做的事情，比如打扫房间或errand（跑腿），但能够得到承认总是非常好的。
有时候,我们就必须接受的是，给予他人就足够了。“平静的满足”是一种内在的认识，即我们所做的一切都为他人的幸福做出了贡献。如果我们过度依赖于表扬，我们就会更容易对那些帮助自己成长所需要的建设性批评感觉受到伤害。所以你应该继续尽最大的努力，练习着让自己成为自身内在认可的动力源。
我的朋友，如果你感到不被赏识，那就从事实开始，明确自己想要什么，然后用tactful（机智）并有策略的方式与他人沟通这些需求。同时，也可以在家里和工作中创造一种赞美的氛围。如果你按照这些步骤去做，你就会感受到自己所渴求的感激和满足。
本文部分图片来源网络。
往期文章
谢谢收看《老桑说》。
给你启发，激励你上进，陪伴你坚持。
敬请期待下一集。
英文版
English
﹀
﹀
﹀
I do so much!
Why does nobody appreciate me?
▾
「 Hello, my friend！
I'm John Smagula. 」
Do you feel unappreciated? Or perhaps you feel your accomplishments have gone unrecognized? We can all relate to craving more praise and not getting it. After all, when we do things for others, we often expect something back.
You hold the door at a store for someone, and they walk right through without saying “thank you.”
You cook dinner for your family. Rather than thank you, they complain that you took too long and that the meal is only so-so.
You work hard at your job and are thanked from time to time for certain work projects, but overall, you feel unappreciated at a deeper level.
You clean your apartment and are told by your husband it’s not clean enough, or you fix something in your house and your wife doesn't even notice it.
You compare your salary to others’ and feel you’re not getting paid what you’re worth.
Can you identify with any of these scenarios? I think we all can. 65% of Americans say they feel unappreciated in the workplace. At home, feeling unappreciated and unimportant is the one leading cause of divorce.
When we give to others, it makes us feel good, but we hope that it makes others feel good as well. But when they don’t recognize our achievements or thank us for our actions, we can feel unappreciated and unfulfilled. Over time, this can lead to anger, frustration, and self-pity.
You can do something about that. Here's how:
When you feel unappreciated, it’s important first to frame just what you want to be appreciated for. The gnawing need for recognition can be very abstract. It can seem like a general feeling or an overall sense, but it can’t be fulfilled at a broader level. So, rather than bemoan that you “feel unappreciated,” look to the facts and be more specific, such as:
When I work hard and do my best to cook dinner for my family, and they just criticize me, I feel unappreciated.
When I meet certain targets at work and don’t get recognized, I feel unappreciated.
I have been loyal to my employer for many years, but I have not been promoted. This lack of advancement makes me feel unappreciated.
I loaned my classmate some money, and he refuses to pay me back, saying that I’m the one being unreasonable. I feel like he has taken advantage of me.
By framing the issue, you are pinpointing the source of your disappointment, which will better enable you to take further action. At the same time, do not exaggerate the issue. Just because you’re not getting acknowledgment doesn't mean that people don’t appreciate you. Be honest with yourself, but also be realistic. This will place your feelings into proper perspective.
"Just the facts, ma'am" is a saying that means to only state what happened, without exaggeration or embellishment. It is derived from a popular 1950s television series Dragnet, where Sgt. Joe Friday and his partners methodically investigated crimes in Los Angeles.
Once you identify the distinct actions or behaviors of others that trouble you, you can then start to figure out what would make you feel appreciated. Ask yourself questions like:
What would make me feel more loved at home?
What is missing in this relationship?
What do I want from my employer that I’m not getting?
For example, you could say, “I would really feel appreciated if he would clean the dishes after dinner.” Whether he “should” clean the dishes is a separate question, but at least you are tying the facts to an observable action that would make you feel better. By decreasing the emotion from your analysis, you can make a more rational assessment to prepare for the next step.
It's up to you to know what you want in order to communicate it to others.
”As other people are not mind readers, you have to communicate what you want from them. Give them a chance to understand and respond. This can be done in a non-combative way. For example, you could say, “I know you work hard all day, and I do, too. After I cook dinner, I’d really like some help cleaning the dishes. It would just help make me feel more appreciated.”
At work, you should tell others what you are doing that justifies additional recognition. Rather than grumble with your coworkers about how awful things are or how the boss takes you for granted, flip it around and brag about all the incredible things you are creating. This way, you acknowledge yourself and what you’re putting out to the world.
The last thing your boss wants to hear from you is, “I do so much that you don’t know about to support this office, and I really don’t feel appreciated!” Um, if you don’t say what you’re doing, how can the boss understand all that you are capable of doing?
A smart practice is to prepare a weekly report. For my own job at Temple, I prepare one every Friday to submit to the dean, which includes:
major activities from the prior week
priorities for the next two weeks
on my plate
major activities from prior week to be shared with my colleagues
This activity forces me to reflect on what I have done and how these achievements are aligned with my goals. Even if your boss doesn't have such as system, you can do this yourself so you document what you have achieved. This way, if you feel your work has gone unrecognized or you want to make a request, you will always have documentation to demonstrate your worth.
Perhaps you have undiscovered potential. Many have talent, but few can recognize that talent when they see it. When you communicate about your strengths and achievements, others will better understand you, and this can create opportunities—either with your present employer or elsewhere if your current employer’s platform is too small.
When you feel like you’re lacking something, one remedy is to give to others what you lack. Thus, if you want more appreciation, a great strategy is to actually give out more appreciation. You’re not giving praise in order to get it back, as that would appear phony and self-serving. Rather, you want to be the gift that you want to receive.
When did you last sincerely praise your partner, classmates, coworkers, or even your boss? It may not have occurred to you to praise others, even while you feel like you are unappreciated.
For example, most people assume that the boss doesn’t need any praise. They think it’s the boss’s job to work hard and do a great job. Or, they don’t praise the boss because it doesn’t occur to them. The same is true in personal relationships. Even when we do what we’re supposed to do, like clean the house or run an errand, it’s great to be recognized.
Sometimes, we just have to accept that giving is enough. “Quiet satisfaction” is an inner knowing that what we have done has contributed to someone else’s wellbeing. If we are too praise-dependent, we become more vulnerable to constructive criticism needed to help us grow. Keep doing your best, and practice being your own source of internal validation.
My friend, if you're feeling unappreciated, start with the facts, identify specifically what you want, and then communicate those needs to others in tactful and diplomatic ways. At the same time, create a culture of praise at home and work. If you follow these steps, you’ll be on your way to feeling the appreciation and fulfillment you seek.
{ 今日英文速记卡 }
1.Gnawing \ ˈnȯ -iŋ \
a)含义：adj. 令人痛苦的；折磨人的
b)例句：
i.The gnawing need for recognition can be very abstract.
这里识别自身感受需要的痛苦是非常抽象的。
ii.“I have this gnawing feeling about the future of my hometown,” says Spence.
斯彭斯说：“我对家乡的未来有种痛苦的感觉。
c)近义词： corroding, fretting, nibbling
2.Methodical
\ mə-ˈthä-di-kəl \
a)含义：adj. 有条理的；有条不紊的
b)例句：
i.Joe Friday and his partners methodically investigated crimes in Los Angeles.
在这部电视剧中，中士乔和他的同伴在洛杉矶对犯罪展开了条理清晰的调查。
ii.The processes and institutions that create laws are slow and methodical, replete with redundant checks and balances.
制定法律的过程与制度是缓慢而有条不紊的，具有充分的检验与权衡。
c)近义词：orderly, organized, systematic
3.Brag \ ˈbrag \
a)含义：v. 吹嘘；夸耀
b)例句：
i.Rather than grumble with your coworkers about how awful things are or how the boss takes you for granted, flip it around and brag about all the incredible things you are creating.
与其向同事抱怨事情有多糟糕，或者老板如何把自己的付出看作是理所应当的，还不如反过来吹嘘你创造了怎样不可思议的东西。
ii.When touting your achievements, be confident but don't exaggerate, brag, or lie.
说到成就的时候，要自信点，但是不能夸大、吹牛或说谎。
c)近义词：boast, crow, vaunt
4.Errand \ ˈer-ənd \
a)含义：n. 使命；差事
b)例句：
i.Even when we do what we’re supposed to do, like clean the house or run an errand, it’s great to be recognized.
即使我们做了自己应该做的事情，比如打扫房间或跑腿，但能够得到承认总是非常好的。
ii.Your errand was to mail the letter.
你的差事是去寄这封信。
c)近义词： excursion, jaunt, outing
5.Tactful \ ˈtakt-fəl \
a)含义：adj. 机智的；圆滑的
b)例句：
i.My friend, if you're feeling unappreciated, start with the facts, identify specifically what you want, and then communicate those needs to others in tactful and diplomatic ways.
我的朋友，如果你感到不被赏识，那就从事实开始，明确自己想要什么，然后用机智并有策略的方式与他人沟通这些需求。
ii.You will assert yourself in a firm yet tactful way.
你将表现出自己坚定却机智的一面。
c)近义词：diplomatic, gracious, politic
Thank you for watching me to inspire, encourage, and accompany you.
See you next time.
想了解更多信息，请持续关注新浪微博（@桑国亚）或公众号《老桑说》（laosangshuo）
老桑说
John Smagula
点击阅读原文，了解更多老桑微博内容，欢迎关注进行互动。