《爱，死亡和机器人第2季》第1集原著小说

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《爱，死亡和机器人第2季》原著小说E01

《自动化客服》（Automated Customer Service，2018）

作者：约翰·斯卡尔齐（John Scalzi）

【英文原文】

Thank you for calling the customer service line of Vacuubot, purveyors of America’s finest automated vacuum cleaners! In order to more efficiently handle call volume, we rely on automated responses. To continue in English, press one. Para Espanol o prima dos.

Let’s continue in English. Which Vacuubot product are you calling about? For the Vacuubot S10 model, press one. For the Vacuubot XL model, press two. For the Vacuubot Extreme Clean model, press three.

Congratulations on owning the Vacuubot Extreme Clean Model, America’s most thorough and comprehensive automated vacuum cleaning solution! If you need to order additional components for the Extreme Clean, press one. If you have a repair query, press two. For all other questions, press three.

You have additional questions. If you need help connecting the Vacuubot Extreme Clean to your home network, press one. If the Vacuubot Extreme Clean is conflicting with other automated home machines, press two. If the Vacuubot Extreme Clean has decided to purge your house of all living things, press three.

Congratulations on activating purge mode! While purge mode was designed to eradicate small pests like insects and spiders, in some models a beta software build was inadvertently released that also includes larger targets, like pets and some humans. We’re sorry for the inconvenience. To continue, please press one. Be aware that by pressing one, you are absolving Vacuubot and its owner, BeiberHoldings, Inc, of all legal and medical responsibility.

You pressed “0” to speak to a human representative. The current wait time for a human representative is six hours and fourteen minutes. To return to the automated response system, press one.

Welcome back to the automated response system. First things first: Have you tried turning the Vacuubot Extreme Clean off and on again? Press one for yes, two for no.

You said no. Is that because the Vacuubot Extreme Clean is currently exhibiting the Taser Defense Mode, making it impossible to approach without having 50,000 volts of electricity course through your body? Press one for yes, two for no.

We apologize for the Taser Defense Mode. It was originally designed to zap small insects, but our subcontractor misread the manufacturer specifications. Fortunately, the Defense mode can be distracted by throwing something at the Vacuubot Extreme Clean, like a heavy blanket or a pet. If you have a heavy blanket, press one. If you have a pet, press two.

The automated system has detected that you are using high levels of profanity right now. While the automated system is in fact automated and doesn’t care what you yell at it, your bad attitude is being noted for if and when you are put in contact with a human representative. When you have calmed your sassy boots down a bit, press one.

That’s better. Now, let’s talk about pets. If you have a cat, press one. If you have a dog, press two.

You have a cat! Excellent. Now, all you have to do is toss the cat at the Vacuubot Extreme Clean, and while it’s busy zapping the cat, you rush in and turn it off. If you’re willing to do this, press one. If not, press two.

What do you mean you’re not willing to electrocute your cat? It’s a cat! It would do the same to you in an instant! Look into its cold, pitiless eyes and tell me it wouldn’t! Press one for obvious agreement, press two if you’ve been duped by this feral interloper in your own home.

UGH, FINE. Then we’ll just have to go with a heavy blanket. Do you have one of those, at least? One for yes, two for no.

Good, you have basic home decor. Now, the plan here is, throw the blanket over the Vacuubot Extreme Clean, and while it is struggling, trying to get the blanket off of it, you run over and turn if off, making sure not to touch the actual Vacuubot, because it will just zap the crap out of you. Press one when you’re about to throw the blanket.

Did it work? One for yes, two for no.

We’re sorry to hear it did not work. Just out of curiosity, did it not work because the Vacuubot Extreme Clean vaporized it with previously unannounced lasers? One for yes, two for no.

We apologize for the lasers. The Vacuubot Extreme Clean is meant to have onboard LIDAR to help navigate the room more intelligently, but we got a really good deal on some surplus military lasers. On the other hand, it’s probably a good thing you didn’t throw the cat after all.

See, now, you’re just shouting a lot of profanity again. Just press one when you’re done.

Also, stop pressing zero for a human representative. We’re not exposing our very fine customer service people to you. Not with that attitude. Just press one.

Are you trying to wait us out? We’re an automated response service! We have nothing but time! Press one. Or don’t. We can wait. FOREVER.

Thank you for pausing your hissy fit. We regret to inform you that because you have attacked your Vacuubot Extreme Clean with a blanket, it has likely now classified you as an enemy forever and burned that classification into its permanent memory. It has also probably now targeted your cat. In scenarios such as this, your Vacuubot Extreme Clean will classify any area it’s cleaned as its personal territory. Has this Vacuubot Extreme Clean cleaned your entire home? Press one for yes, two for no.

Ahhhhh, well, it’s the Vacuubot’s house now. We suggest you grab the cat and run. Seriously, run, those lasers have probably recharged by now. Run and don’t look back, the Vacuubot senses fear! Press one when you have reached minimum safe distance from the Vacuubot’s lair.

Congratulations, you’ve escaped the unstoppable killing machine that is the Vacuubot Extreme Clean. Unfortunately you can’t stop now. The Vacuubot Extreme Clean has forwarded information about you to all the other Vacuubots, all of whom will now hunt you, ceaselessly, until you have been cleaned from the surface of the planet. This is your life now, to wander, never a moment’s rest, until even your cat deserts you and you are left alone to contemplate the barren wasteland that is now your existence.

Unless, of course, you would like to purchase a place on the exclusive Vacuubot termination whitelist! Just $69.95 a month! Press one for a special introductory rate!

Thank you for your purchase. We’ll connect you to a human representative now!

【译文】

感谢您致电美国最好的自动吸尘器供应商Vacuubot的客户服务热线！为了更有效地处理呼叫量，我们依赖于自动响应。要继续讲英语，请按一。埃斯帕诺是第一位的。

让我们继续讲英语吧。你打电话来是为了哪种Vacuubot产品？对于Vacuubot S10型号，请按一。对于Vacuubot XL型号，请按2。对于Vacuubot Extreme Clean型号，请按3。

祝贺您拥有Vacubot Extreme Clean Model，这是美国最彻底、最全面的自动真空清洁解决方案！如果您需要订购Extreme Clean的其他组件，请按一。如果您有维修问题，请按2。其他所有问题，请按三。

你还有其他问题要问。如果您需要帮助将Vacubot Extreme Clean连接到您的家庭网络，请按一。如果Vacuubot Extreme Clean与其他自动家用机器冲突，请按2。如果Vacuubot Extreme Clean已经决定清除你房子里所有的生物，请按3。

祝贺您激活清除模式！虽然清洗模式旨在根除昆虫和蜘蛛等小型害虫，但在一些型号中，测试版软件版本被无意中发布，其中还包括较大的目标，如宠物和一些人类。给您带来不便，我们深表歉意。要继续，请按一。请注意，按下一个按钮，您就免除了Vacubot及其所有者北海控股有限公司的所有法律和医疗责任。

您按“0”与人类代表通话。目前人类代表的等待时间是6小时14分钟。要返回自动应答系统，请按1。

欢迎回到自动应答系统。首先要做的是：你有没有试过一次又一次地关闭Vacubot Extreme Clean？按1表示是，按2表示不是。

你拒绝了。这是不是因为Vacubot Extreme Clean目前正在展示泰瑟枪防御模式，如果没有50,000伏的电流通过你的身体，就不可能接近？按1表示是，按2表示不是。

我们为泰瑟枪防御模式道歉。它最初的设计是用来杀死小昆虫的，但我们的分包商误读了制造商的规格。幸运的是，向Vacubot Extreme Clean扔东西可以分散防御模式的注意力，比如一条厚厚的毯子或宠物。如果你有一条厚厚的毯子，请按一。如果你有宠物，请按2。

自动系统已经检测到你现在正在使用高度亵渎的语言。虽然自动化系统实际上是自动的，并不介意你对它喊什么，但如果你与人类代表接触，你的糟糕态度就会被注意到。当你的时髦的靴子稍微冷静下来后，按一键。

那好多了。现在，让我们来谈谈宠物。如果你有一只猫，按一键。如果你有狗，请按2。

你有一只猫！太棒了。现在，你所要做的就是把猫扔向Vacubot Extreme Clean，当它忙着给猫充电时，你冲进去把它关掉。如果你愿意的话，请按一。如果没有，请按二。

你说你不愿意电死你的猫是什么意思？这是一只猫！它会在瞬间对你做同样的事情！看着它冰冷无情的眼睛告诉我它不会！如果你在自己家里被这个野性闯入者欺骗了，请按1表示明显的同意，如果你在自己家里被这个野性闯入者欺骗了，请按2。

呃，很好。那我们就只能用一条厚厚的毯子了。你至少有一个这样的吧？一个代表是，两个代表不是。

很好，你有基本的家居装饰。现在，这里的计划是，把毯子扔在Vacubot Extreme Clean上，当它挣扎着，试图把毯子脱下来的时候，你跑过去，如果关掉了，确保不要碰真正的Vacubot，因为它会把你的屎都弄出来。当你要扔毯子的时候按一。

起作用了吗？一个代表是，两个代表不是。

听说它没有起作用，我们感到很遗憾。只是出于好奇，它不是因为Vacubot Extreme Clean用事先未公布的激光将其蒸发而起作用的吗？一个代表是，两个代表不是。

我们为激光致歉。Vacuubot Extreme Clean原本打算在机载激光雷达上安装，以帮助更智能地导航房间，但我们买到了一些多余的军用激光，这笔交易真的很划算。另一方面，你最终没有扔掉这只猫可能是一件好事。

看，现在，你又在大喊脏话了。完成后按一键就可以了。

此外，不要为人类代表按零。我们不会把我们非常优秀的客户服务人员暴露给你们。不是那种态度。只需按一键。

你是想等我们离开吗？我们是自动响应服务！我们只有时间！请按一。或者不去。我们可以等。直到永远。

谢谢你暂停了你的嘶嘶发作。我们很遗憾地通知你，因为你用毯子攻击了你的Vacubot Extreme Clean，它现在很可能已经将你列为永远的敌人，并将这一分类烧毁在它的永久记忆中。它现在可能也把目标对准了你的猫。在这样的情况下，您的Vacubot Extreme Clean会将其清理过的任何区域归类为其个人领地。这个Vacuubot Extreme Clean把你的整个家都打扫干净了吗？按1表示是，按2表示不是。

啊，好吧，现在是瓦库博特的房子了。我们建议你抓起猫就跑。说真的，快跑，那些激光器现在可能已经充电了。快跑，别回头，瓦库博特人感觉到了恐惧！当你到达离瓦库博特巢穴的最小安全距离时，按一。

恭喜你，你逃过了不可阻挡的杀戮机器，那就是Vacubot Extreme Clean。不幸的是，你现在不能停下来。Vacubot Extreme Clean已经将关于你的信息转发给所有其他Vacubot，他们现在都会不停地追捕你，直到你从地球表面被清除。这就是你现在的生活，流浪，一刻也不能休息，直到你的猫也抛弃了你，留下你独自一人沉思这片贫瘠的荒原，这就是你现在的存在。

当然，除非你想在独家的Vacuubot终止白名单上购买一个位置！一个月只要69.95美元！按1即可享受特价优惠！

谢谢您的购买。我们现在就为您接通人类代表！

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