PARENT | Punishments & Rewards Don't Work (So What Can We Do?)

Punishments and rewards can seem like a super good idea at the time. Parenting is HARD WORK. I get it. It’s one of the hardest things we will ever do. 

When your kids are engaging in behaviours that you want to change, then punishments and rewards seem like the fastest and best way to change that behaviour TODAY.

What I have learned, is that all of us want the same things for our kids.

  WE ALL WANT OUR KIDS TO BE:  

• kind

• independent

• cooperative

• empathetic

• sharing

• polite

• self-regulating

• and so-on....

  BUT EVERY DAY WE ARE DEALING WITH:  

• sibling fighting

• selfishness

• tantrums

• whining

• hitting

• lying

• sneakiness

• refusing to do chores and homework

• procrastination

• defiance

• backtalking

As a parent educator, I have talked to countless parents about their struggles with their children – these little people who have our hearts so completely – and yet they are torn apart by the frustrations of facing the same battles with their kids almost every day.

  BUT PUNISHMENTS AND REWARDS WORK....

DON'T THEY?  

Most parents turn to the tools we have heard work well – things like rewards, sticker charts, and bribing – to get the good behaviour that we want our kids to have. We turn to things like criticizing, taking away iPads, blaming, scolding, yelling, or time-out, in the hope that our kids will stop the misbehaviour RIGHT NOW and make sure they never do it again.

BUT the enticing reward system seems to wear off after time, and kids resort back to their usual behaviour. The punishment stops the hitting today, but tomorrow the behaviour continues.

  WHY PUNISHMENTS AND REWARDS  

  DON'T WORK AND WHAT  

  CHILDREN LEARN INSTEAD  

While it’s true that punishments and rewards can work in the short term, we need to be mindful of the impact it has on our kids and how it affects their decision-making on how to behave in the future:

• Children start to expect and depend on a reward for doing regular everyday tasks or socially acceptable behaviours, with the attitude of “what’s in it for me?”.

• Rewards become more important than the inner satisfaction of learning and contributing.

• Lecturing, criticizing, and scolding invites children to shut off and stop listening, or engage in power struggles, damaging self-esteem AND your relationship with your child.

• A child who is punished often learns to sneak around so they don’t get caught. For example, a child will be more inclined to lie after doing something wrong to avoid being punished.

• A child who is punished after they misbehave isn’t learning ‘why’ the behaviour is bad and what to do instead; rather, they are learning that you will come crashing down on them, that they can’t come to you when they mess up in case they are punished, or that you will shame them and make them feel they are a bad person.

• When a child feels bad about themselves, it doesn’t inspire them to do better. In fact, they tend to misbehave more BECAUSE they feel bad about themselves.

  CHILDREN WILL DO BETTER WHEN THEY FEEL BETTER  

It is totally possible to get your child to act in socially acceptable ways, to get ready in the morning before school, to go to bed without a fight, to complete homework every day, and do their chores WITHOUT relying on rewards and punishments.

Unfortunately, most of us weren’t raised knowing HOW to make this happen, and we don't know what to do.

  WHAT CAN PARENTS DO INSTEAD?  

Positive Discipline removes punishments and rewards, and instead equips parents with tools and strategies that focus on encouragement, problem-solving, and creating respectful relationships that foster cooperation.

If you would like to learn strategies on how to motivate your kids for the long-term while cultivating the character traits that we all wish for our kids, then contact me for more information about the next Well Parent Positive Parenting 7-week workshop series, starting on Tuesday mornings online from November 30th.

Each week you will be guided through the concepts of Positive Discipline, engage in meaningful activities to help the concepts sink in deep, get actual scripts and tools to deal with specific problems, and you will also get to engage with other parents just like you who are all facing the same challenges.

One of the best parts of our workshops is the ‘Parents Helping Parents’, where we focus on an issue faced by a parent, and we work together to identify the different Positive Discipline tools (there are 52 of them!!) that could work to solve the problem. Parents learn and glean tips and tricks that they can use in their own lives and in their own very similar struggles. For more information, or to join the Well Parent WeChat group, scan the QR code on the poster.

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Originally from New Zealand, Well Women Co-Founder Rebecca Archer considers herself a global citizen, and has lived in Australia, Canada, Nigeria and Indonesia and spent time in many more countries. She is just as at home paddling on the Delta Rivers in the Papua New Guinea jungle, as she is eating jianbing on the streets of Beijing. Rebecca is a certified Positive Discipline Parent Educator, Positive Discipline Advanced Trainer Candidate, qualified teacher, and mom of 3 energetic kids. She offers Positive Discipline classes and online workshops to the expat community.