3 Trash Dating Behaviors to Throw Out
Ask Agony Aunt Moira is a DNC advice column by an anonymous Beijinger who gives sometimes savage, often hilarious, and always honest advice about dating and relationships in China.
3 Trash Dating Behaviors to Throw Out
There is nothing quite as painful as listening to the soul-crushing experiences of good friends trying to find love in this barren wasteland we call the Beijing dating scene.
I have had many a long conversation, both in person and via WeChat, about everything from difficulties to downright cruelties many are subjecting themselves to in a bid to find their one true love.
Even casual relationships have grown more complicated, with many having forgotten that even in such situations, a sense of mutual respect still has to be maintained.
From ghosting to lacking the courtesy to text in time, to not understanding how to manage a successful heauxtation, things are getting entirely out of control!
I had a friend recently tell me that while on a date, a guy in no uncertain terms let my friend know he wasn’t his type, and would my friend be willing to pass on his now ex’s contact onto this date.
I mean… what is wrong with people? There is no fancy way to say just how trash this behavior is, and it will not be tolerated!
Consider this a pruning session for all of you beautiful blooming roses out there. These are the things we as Beijing daters will not tolerate from you lot this summer!
1. Don't Be A Ghost!
Call it the Tinder effect, social media saturation, or living in a time when the illusion of an abundance of choice is prevalent, but it would seem everyone now has the attention span of a goldfish.
You will hear people excitedly talking about their new match on Tinder, only to hear nothing about them after a date or a hookup.
That ‘new car smell' doesn’t seem to last as long as it used to after the initial test drive.
It leaves a lot of us daters frustrated, asking questions like what we did wrong, what we could have possibly changed about our encounter to have you contact us again, or why you just ghosted us.
The truth is, there is no good reason behind it other than the idea that there is something better out there. Though this is an understandable expectation, it is, however, no excuse for trash behavior.
One successful date doesn’t mean that you are more likely to double your success. Human attraction doesn’t work the same way as the craps table at the casino! And the whole point of searching out something better is when you have tried your best with the person you have now and it just isn’t working.
Leaving people on ‘read’ and ghosting them because you just got a ‘hotter’, or ‘more interesting’ match on Tinder, or whatever site you prefer, is tantamount to illegal dumping!
I don’t much believe in karma, but for the sake of trash behavior like that, I really hope it is real to let you know what it feels like to have the shoe on the other foot.
2. Don't treat your date like your therapist or rehab
It’s dating, not rehab!
One of the dumbest reasons I have ever heard about leaving people on read is because someone you are only getting to know didn’t instantly understand a very particular humorous reference, or didn’t decipher, analyze and fully understand your idiosyncrasies in record time!
Remind me, what part of your bio on Tinder included your need to date a psychiatrist with over 20 years’ experience?
It is dumbfounding to see people subject others to super-human expectations that they themselves are entirely unable to deliver on. So she doesn’t know how a typical Taurus behaves. Might it be because zodiac signs don’t really play a major role in her life, not as much as learning people gradually and thinking of them individually?
And so what if he doesn’t remember that very particular excerpt from an obscure book you’re being forced to read by your book club? It is maybe because that’s not a genre he is into, but maybe you might find common ground in the larger literary scene?
Whatever happened to the idea of dating not being a race to a goal, but a gradual process of exploration and discovery?
The next time you are sitting around asking yourself why it’s so hard to find love, the answer is you, and the petty reasons with which you use to dismiss people. Trash behavior that will not be tolerated moving forward!
3. Don't Use Your Issues As An Excuse To Treat People Badly
Saying you have issues and that is why you are incapable of treating those you date or hook up with, with any modicum of respect, is a tired excuse. Retire it and get back to the drawing board.
Look around you. At every mixer, every bar in the city, on every train, every street, are people constantly battling their inner demons. We have all been through it or have been put through it by other people.
So, we all have trust issues, we might all have commitment phobias, we are battling with fears of rejection, we all worry we are inadequate in one way or another, and many of us are afraid we are over the hill.
These are just some of the more common fears we all bring into dating and relationship situations. It is not a bad thing. Some choose to work on these issues, and much like joining Alcoholics Anonymous (AA), go cold turkey, choosing to withdraw from the dating scene until they feel they are advanced in their journey of healing. This is a prudent decision as it means no one gets hurt.
However, some feel the adage ‘the only way to get over someone old is to get under someone new’ is a life motto to live by. They make it their life’s mission to use as many people as possible on their alleged journey to recover, and take no accountability for the feelings they hurt, the hearts they break, and the relationships they destroy.
We are human, not tools for your self-indulgent alleged healing process. That just makes you one massive tool! As I said, we all have issues. Not all of us can afford fancy therapy. And not all of us can entirely lock ourselves up for long periods at a time in order to deal with them.
But every once in a while, we are lucky enough to find others who are just as fucked up as us, and they act as mirrors to our souls, allowing us to fix what needs fixing. And in that wonderful thing called human romantic connection, with patience and understanding, we slowly find healing.
Now that the pruning is complete, go forth and be the prettiest roses you can be, and for heaven’s sake, don’t forget to give people a chance. Being jaded is out this season. I hear the COVID-19 vaccine works well against that too.
So if you’ve been inoculated, you should be well over that sort of BS.
With love, from your Aunt Moira.
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Read more: How NOT To Be A Dick On Your First Date
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