三个孩子分别是同性恋、异性恋、跨性别，是一种怎样的体验？
（向上滑动启阅）
若岚你好：
Hello Ruolan ~Thank you for sending me this picture. We are both very cute! :)
谢谢你寄给我这张照片。咱俩在里面都美美的！
我很高兴和你分享我为下个月的工作坊写的一篇文章。我作为分享嘉宾将为大家宣读这篇文章。Marsha Aizumi昨天已经分发了活动通告的打印件，也许你已经看到了。
除此之外，我想先告诉你一些和我的文章相关的背景知识。
童年时我曾遭受我父亲性侵长达八年（从一岁半到十岁）。他还曾让其他男性性侵我。这给我带来深深的创伤，导致我患上“分离性身份识别障碍”（这是人体在此情况下产生的应对机制，过去被错误地称为“多重人格”。）
我还有非常严重的综合性“创伤后应激障碍”。我的大脑发育和普通人的不一样：我没有想象/幻想能力。我在2007年发现了上述问题。同年，我儿子开始改变他的身体。过去十年里，我一直在进行康复治疗和自我疗伤。我童年的遭遇使得我在年轻的时候嫁了一个冷酷的，喜欢虐待人的男人。
我告诉你这件事的原因是：儿童遭受性侵非常普遍。四分之一的女孩儿和六分之一的男孩儿曾遭受性侵。这还仅仅是美国已经被报道出来的数据。在其他国家，比如印度，比例更高，因为此类事情更少被举报，性侵受害者感到恐惧和羞耻。
我是个作家，我的书在Amazon上有售。你能在那里找到我的书。我有个拉拉女儿和一个跨性别儿子。
我知道阅读量很大，但我希望你能从中获得一些正面的信息和中国的同性恋亲友会的朋友们分享。
这是我的演讲。
Hello Ruolan ~
Thank you for sending me this picture. We are both very cute! :)
I will be very happy to share the piece I have written for presenting on the panel at the workshop next month. Marsha Aizumi had passed out a printed copy of this event yesterday, maybe you saw a copy?
In addition to this, I want to preface by saying that I am a survivor of CSA (Childhood Sexual Abuse) from my father for 8 years -- from 18 months of age until I was 10 years old. Also other men he allowed to assault me. This trauma caused me to have DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder as a coping mechanism -- used to incorrectly be called Multiple Personality in the past -- and severe Complex PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). My brain developed differently: I did not have imagination or mental fantasy. I began to discover all these things in 2007, same year as when my son began his physical transition. I have been in recovery and self-healing for the past 10 years. My childhood experience made me susceptible to marry a cruel and abusive man when I was young.
The reason I am sharing this with you is because CSA is very common -- 1 out of 4 female bodied children and 1 out of 6 male bodied children is a survivor of CSA. And these are just the statistics of reported cases in America! The numbers are higher in other countries where the reporting is even less and there is great fear and shame attached to being molested, like India.
I am a writer, published on Amazon. You can find my stories here. I have a lesbian daughter and a transgender son.
I know this is a lot to read, but I hope it gives you something positive to share with China PFLAG. It was good to meet you.
~ Juhi Kalra
This is my speech.
这是我的故事
大家好！我是Juhi Kalra。我有三个孩子，出生时都是女孩儿。现在他们都已成年，老大是拉拉， 老二是标准的异性恋，老三改变了性别，成了儿子。
我写这篇文章那天，我儿子做了性别重塑手术，以便让他的身体更接近他想要的样子。在他的要求下，我没去陪他。他知道我是爱他的，因为我尊重他的意愿。尽管我本打算去病房里陪他。
我的孩子们不论是出柜还是改变性别都不是在真空里发生的。他们的经历和周围人的经历交织在一起。十年前的这个月，我儿子开始了他的性别转化过程。也是在那时候，我发现我在儿童时期曾遭受长达数年的性侵。在之后的十年里，我不断学习如何应对“创伤后应激障碍”和“分离性身份识别障碍”。所以，对我来说，我的自我疗伤过程和我儿子的性别转换过程是平行发展，相互交织的。
我（下）从重症监护室出院时和孩子们的合影
他（她）们已经整整看护我三个月了
Anand（左） Surya（上） Priya（右）我的儿子做好了准备，打算开始变性时向我出柜了。这已经不是他第一次向我出柜了。怀上老三的最初那段时间，我就感觉/知道它是个男孩儿。医生怀疑它有脊椎裂，因此我在中孕期时接受了羊膜腔穿制术。结果不是很确定，还有可能基因突变，尽管可能性不大。因此在她出生前我们就取好了名字。
孩子出生时是个完美的女孩儿。但当我看着她漂亮的小脸蛋儿时，觉得我们给她起的名字完全不合适。在他出生的那个晚上，不顾大家的反对，我给他起了个新名字，意思是“胜利”。在他三岁的时候，我们搬到了乡下，一个位于中西部的小镇。他开始光着身子在院子里到处跑。他向我们85岁的邻居做自我介绍时说他是男孩儿，并且每周都给自己起个新名字。他这么做的时候我并没有阻止他。但他开始上学后，他出生时的女性性别被大家默认并强化。小学三年级的时候我知道他是男同。初中一年级时他初潮，跑回家哭了很久，连续数周体温过低。学校让他跳了一级。他17岁去读大学，三年后毕业。
大学一年级暑假，他以会员身份在位于华盛顿的“全国男女同性恋者工作小组”工作。第二年暑假，他以实习生的身份在“全国跨性别平权中心”工作，也是在华盛顿。我在留心观察这些细节。
他临近毕业的时候我在他居住的公寓和他合住了几天，以便参加所有的典礼：薰衣草毕业典礼（译者注：专为LGBT+学生安排的典礼），他所在院系的毕业典礼，和全校的毕业典礼。在全校的毕业典礼上，前总统比尔·克林顿发表了演讲。我之所以特别提到这一点，是因为这似乎是他爸爸最看重的。
那段时间我独自待在他的宿舍里浏览他的书，有妇女研究方面的，社会学方面的，性别研究方面的。我读到一本Jamison Green写的书，书名是《成为可见的男人》。我在留心观察这些细节。那天晚上和他坐在一起时，我问他：“你确定你不想变成男孩儿？”他直视着我的眼睛说：“我已经和我的治疗师谈过了，我就是一个铁T。”
两个月后他搬去洛杉矶。我和他一起开车把他的行李送到他租住的房子。今后他会和原本住在城市另一头的姐姐合租这个房子。在Denny’s餐厅吃午饭的时候，他告诉我他要变性。我一听就哭了，因为我将失去一个女儿；因为我担心他的安全；因为我还没学会相信我的直觉。
我女儿告诉我她是拉拉比我儿子告诉我他是跨性别要早十年。在这十年中我犯了很多错误，但也因此汲取了很多经验和教训。女儿向我出柜后我告诉了他父亲。他父亲在48小时后带着我们三人飞行了400英里去见了一位女性心理治疗师。这位心理治疗师和他采用的是同一种冥想方法。那是我思想还不成熟，无法阻止他。
早在数年前，我记得我曾跟女儿说：“Rock Hudson是同性恋，真是太浪费了”
译者注：Rock Hudson是20世纪五六十年代好莱坞当时最红的银幕小生，大众情人。以其粗犷硬朗又不失羞涩的小生形象令广大女性影迷如痴如醉，曾经连年被观众们评为“最具男子汉气概的演员”。他是英俊的代名词，拥有宽阔的肩膀、健美的身材、多情的眼睛和磁性的声音。虽然在银幕上扮演着不折不扣的异性恋男子形象，生活中的哈德森却是个地地道道的同志。1985年被确诊感染艾滋，同年10月2号在加州去世。
Rock Hudson
那时我还不知道Rock Hudson身患艾滋，也不知道艾滋病已让很多人陷入绝望。我唯一知道的和跨性别有关的信息是我小时候在印度见过的“海吉拉”。所以我承认我很无知。
二女儿和丈夫Rafael已经共同生活9年了
因为儿子，我开始接受“性别和性倾向的流动性，女性研究，社会公平”等新观念。当我问他，为什么我们在校园里和毕业典礼上看到的跨性别女性看上去“不真实”时，Anand给我介绍了一个新概念：特权。他对特权的理解和我对特权的理解有何不同。他给我指出了一个新的学习方向，让我对“性别政治，殖民主义，男权至上”有了了解。让我知道我身处在这么多重的压迫中，却从未意识到压迫的存在。
我一下子接受了这么多新知识，大脑都要爆炸了。我有这么多知识不知道或没机会了解，住在与世隔绝的中西部农村的小镇上，整天想的是如何在被丈夫漠视和虐待的婚姻里生存。我并非无知，只是还没接受启蒙。我的“知识大爆炸”是从他大学期间开始的，要早于他开始变性。
我学习新知识的决心非常坚定。第一步是从他给我的一个链接开始的。这个链接里包含了跨性别人群在网上建的个人档案。在之后的三周里，我不断在网上搜寻，甚至找到了当时唯一的跨性别男性色情明星的信息。我非常努力，简直到了废寝忘食的地步。我看了无数年轻人制作的视频，他们在与无知的斗争中失败，他们所在家庭也没有接纳和支持他们。
我唯一担心的是儿子的安全。我爱我的儿子，我绝不能因为无知而失去他。所以即便他因为自己的原因要离开我三年，我仍然在远处爱着他。我愿意给我最小的孩子所需要的时间和个人空间，从这一点我知道我已经变得非常坚强。我的两个女儿更加尊重我了，我也知道我的生命力有多顽强。
如果我们从家庭，社区，文化，宗教中获得的价值观不允许我们自我探索，自我表达，自尊自爱，有自我意识，那它本来就和我们的内心世界或整个宇宙不相协调。
如果还有时间，我会读下面这首诗。这首诗是我2009年在加州大学洛杉矶分校写的。四年前，在我快60岁的时候，我和我前夫离婚，并写了这首诗给他。
I used to wonder
if watching me imprisoned
by the Patriarchy
(A word I had not yet learned)
made my beautiful girl
want only to be with women:
that is what the
Very Smart Psychiatrist said.
Or later, chameleon like
my other beautiful girl
became a miniature you
in defiance of all laws
of nature and probability
to have the entitlements of Men.
But no, they and their sister
come into their own skins
in fearlessness.
I wonder where they get it from.
“心理治疗师”曾说：我漂亮的女儿之所以成了拉拉，是因为她曾看到我被男权至上的社会制度残酷迫害。对此我表示怀疑。后来，另一个女儿像变色龙一样违抗了大自然的法则，变为男儿身，成了微缩版的你，为的是拥有男性才有的权利。但事实并非如此。他们和他们的姐妹们无惧危险，只想成为真正的自己。他们非凡的勇气来自何方？你最清楚。
我和亲爱的Anand——跨性别儿子
Hello, my name is Juhi Kalra. I am the mother of 3 adult children, all born female bodied: a lesbian daughter, a heteronormative daughter, and a transgender son.
The day I am writing this, my son is having surgery to move closer into his own body. At his request I am not with him.
This is how he knows I love him, because I can honor his needs instead of following my own heart into his hospital room.
Our children’s coming out or transitioning doesn’t happen in a vacuum, it is entwined with the journeys of those around them. 10 years ago this month began my son’s physical transition and the discovery of my own prolonged childhood sexual abuse. This led me to a decade of navigating through Complex PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder as I learned to heal myself. So for me, these two journeys run parallel and entangled.
My son came out to me as transgender when he was ready to begin his physical transition. This was not the first “coming out” we had shared. When I became pregnant with my third child, I felt — I knew — that he was a boy early in my pregnancy. To check for the possibility of suspected spina bifida, I had amniocenteses during my second trimester. The results were inconclusive, but there was a small possibility of genetic mutation in our child. We named the baby before she was born.
The baby was born perfectly female. But when I looked at that beautiful face, the name we had selected for her felt all wrong. Fighting against much opposition, I changed the name to one that means Victorious the night he was born. We moved to a small rural Midwestern town when he was 3, where he began running around the yard naked; introducing himself to our 85-year old neighbor as a boy, giving himself new names every week. I didn’t stop him from doing any of this. But when he started school, the gender he was born into became enforced by default. In third grade I knew he was gay. His first year of middle school when he began menstruating, he ended up at home in tears and a low-grade temperature for several weeks. The school skipped him a grade. He left for college at 17 and graduated 3 years later.
His first summer at college he worked as a Fellow at the National Gay and Lesbian Task Force in DC. His second summer of college he worked as an intern at the National Center for Transgender Equality, also in DC. I was paying attention.
I stayed with him at his co-op for several days at graduation so that I could attend all the ceremonies: Lavender grad, his department grad, the school wide graduation where Bill Clinton gave the commencement address. I include this detail because at that time this seemed the most important aspect of his graduation to his other parent.
I spent the time alone in his room looking through his books: on women’s studies, sociology, and gender studies. I read one by Jamison Green called Becoming a Visible Man. I was paying attention. Sitting with him that night I said “Are you sure you don’t want to be a boy?” And he looked me right in the eyes and said “I’ve processed this with my therapist, and I am just a butch lesbian”.
Two months later he came to LA. I drove with him to move his things into the rental he would be sharing with his sister across town, and over a Denny’s lunch he told me he would be transitioning. Soon. I cried. I cried because I was losing a daughter. I cried because I worried for his safety. And I cried because I had not learned to trust my own instinct.
My first daughter had come out to me as lesbian ten years before that so I had the opportunity to learn from many mistakes I made from her experience. 48 hours after I outed my daughter to her father, he flew all 3 of us 400 miles to see a female psychiatrist who followed the meditation method he followed. I did not have the emotional resources at that time to stop him. Years before, I remember saying to her, "What a waste that Rock Hudson was gay", when I had no context for his being ill with AIDS, and the epidemic that caused so much devastation. My only context for being transgender were the hijras I had seen during my childhood in India. So I embraced my ignorance.
My son opened my mind to the fluidity of gender & sexuality, to women's studies and social justice. When I asked why the trans women I had seen with him on campus at graduation looked “not real”, Anand introduced me to the notion of privilege: his own and mine. He gave me the direction for becoming aware of the politics of gender, of colonialism, of patriarchy; so many systems of oppression that I had been living in unknowingly. He made my head EXPLODE with information! So much I knew nothing about, had not had the opportunity to learn about, caught up in the busy work of surviving a marriage of neglect and abuse in the isolation of a rural small Midwestern town. I was not ignorant, just uninformed. This explosion began during his 3 years in college, earlier than his physical transition began.
So determined was I to become informed that from the initial link he shared with me of a consented archive of trans individuals online, I got up from my computer 3 weeks later having found my way to the only trans-male porn star at that time! I worried only for his safety as I saw numerous video blogs of young people who had lost the good fight to ignorance, and the lack of acceptance and support from their families. My son had my love, but losing him due to my ignorance was not an option. So even when he took a 3-year break from me for his own reasons, I loved him from afar. I learned how strong I was becoming that I could stand to give my youngest born the time and space he needed. My 2 daughters learned a new respect for me, and I learned how much I could survive.
If a belief system, whether acquired from family, community, culture, or religion, does not allow for self-exploration, self-expression, or self-love, or individuation in any way, then it is inherently not in sync with our inner world or the Universe.
If there is time, I may add this poem that I wrote in 2009 at UCLA. It is addressed to my ex-husband who I divorced when I was almost 60, four years ago.
I used to wonder
if watching me imprisoned
by the Patriarchy
(A word I had not yet learned)
made my beautiful girl
want only to be with women:
that is what the
Very Smart Psychiatrist said.
Or later, chameleon like
my other beautiful girl
became a miniature you
in defiance of all laws
of nature and probability
to have the entitlements of Men.
But no, they and their sister
come into their own skins
in fearlessness.
I wonder where they get it from.
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