5 minutes NVC with teenagers in a math class

Recently, I had the honor to teach math for middle school and high school students as a substitute teacher. As a former engineer, I accepted this task with ease but more than anything I was curious to integrate NVC in the classroom knowing that human interactions are part of the learning regardless of what we are teaching.

One day, while I was teaching a class, another group of children knocked on our door and run away. It disturbed some pupils and me as well. After finishing my first class, that same other group came in for the next class. I waited for them to be quiet, then I took my chair and sat in front of them. 

I said "There is something important I want to talk with you before we start the class. I heard someone knocking at the door three times." 

Some pupils reacted defensively "It wasn't me". 

"It wasn't me!" 

I said: "I don't care who it was. I just want to tell you that it really annoyed me and the rest of the group, and I don't agree with this behavior. Now, I really would like you to help me understand what could be the needs of the person who did that." 

One girl said, "He or she wants to be noticed." 

Me: "Oh, you think he or she wants to be noticed. I am curious to know what would that give to that person to be noticed?" 

Her: "She wants to be noticed because she wants other people like her." 

Another student: "She wants to be loved." 

"She wants to be loved." 

Me: "Oh, I understand, that could be a need for love. What else do you think could be a reason for that person to knock at the door during the class?" 

Another student: "Maybe because someone challenged her and she took the challenge because she wants to be respected by the others." 

Me: "Oh so that would be a need for respect?” 

The student: "Yes." 

"She wants respect." 

Me: "Ok, I see. Anything else you think could motivate that person to do that?" 

Another student: "Maybe because she has too much energy and she needs to release her energy." 

Me: "Oh, so that would be a need for physical movements?"

The student: "Yes."

"She has a need for physical movement." 

Me: "Thank you very much; you really helped me to understand better. So we said it could be a need for love, a need for respect, a need for releasing physical energy. I understand better now. I have one more question: what do you think that person could do next time to fulfill her needs for love, respect, or physical energy release, knowing that knocking at the door of a class is not an option because it would disturb the students who are inside?"

"What could we do next time?" 

Another student: "Maybe we could knock at a door of an empty room, so like that we don't disturb the students inside." 

Me: "I am not sure that is allowed by the school regulations, but I really like the creativity of that one. " 

A student: "You should not give this kind of challenges to your friends." 

Me: "Could it be that the person who gives you that sort of challenge is not really a friend?" 

A student: "Friends do that among each other."

Another student: "Or if we give challenges, maybe it is something like running outside." 

Me: "Yes, I agree with that one. Thank you very much, I really appreciate that we took this time to think together about what we can do differently next time." 

Then I started the lesson. 

The whole process took a maximum of 5 minutes, and the rest of the class went very smoothly. 

What happened there is that we could move away from the question “who is wrong?” and transform it into the questions “what is important to whom?  what can we do next time?”. That’s the power of NVC: moving from a fixed mindset to a growth mindset by speaking a language of needs rather than a language of blame. 

Mindfully yours, Julia. 

Are you struggling with your students or your children at home, and you would like to learn how to use the NVC consciousness to interact with them? 

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