全程高能！首轮总统辩论落幕之际，13分钟领略“特朗普”和“拜登”的无厘头互怼！（附视频&辩论稿）
英语演讲视频，第一时间观看
包括美国《纽约邮报》的多家美媒在9月2日报道，美国总统辩论委员会周三宣布，特朗普和拜登将于9月29日举行三场辩论中的第一场辩论，而他们的竞选搭档彭斯和哈里斯将于10月7日在犹他州盐湖城开始对决。
在四年一次的美国总统大选来临之际，美国腹语大师Jeff Dunham制作了一期13分钟的高能总统辩论《Will Hiden VS Wonald Grump》。
在这一场辩论中，已故恐-怖-分-子艾哈迈德化身记者，主持两位总统候选人的辩论，"坏脾气的倔老头”分身分别扮演特朗普和拜登，辩论问题涉及国内外形势，新冠肺炎，中国等方面。两位总统级辩手的回答和现实中的特朗普和拜登几乎一模一样，各种不靠谱。毕竟两位总统候选人，一个老年痴呆，一个满嘴放炮，总之有一种“美帝药丸”的节奏。
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- Greetings, I am Achmed the Dead Journalist, and welcome to another edition of (beep) as Krap Election News. I am currently at an undisclosed location in one of the big cities in the United States, where peaceful demonstrations are now taking place. Very peaceful. Ahhhh! Pay no attention to the peaceful explosions all around me. Ahhhh! Holy crap! It's just celebrations of peace. I think I was safer as a suicide bomber. Ahhhhh! Okay, moving on.
Today I have the honor of hosting a debate for the upcoming presidential election between two gentlemen we all know very well.
First, the winner of the 2016 election, the outspoken and sometimes what the (beep) did he just Tweet President of the United States, Wonald Grump. (stately trumpet fanfare)
And his opponent, the most questionable presidential candidate in the history of this country, mainly because he lives in the basement and we're fairly certain his wife has him on a shock collar to keep him from saying random, crazy stuff. Please welcome the former Vice President, Ben Hiden.
- Where the hell's a teleprompter? I can't see it with these damn glasses on. How can I give good answers if I can't read 'em?Ahhhh! Oh, hey, who turned on the lights?
- Greetings gentlemen.
- Hello again, Achmed.
- Oh, Achmed, look at you. You wanna fight? I'm ready. There's no woodshed down here, but I take you behind it, Jack. Squirrel!
- What?
- Hmm? Gentlemen, let's start right away with some questions.
- He's lying. Every question Hiden has answered so far has been a lie.
- There have not been any questions yet.
- I knew that.
- Y'know, cheerleaders are more fun to watch than the actual football game. But Jill says no huggy touchy squeezy. But I say it's okay if you're sure there are no cameras around.Yow!
- As you both know, the pandemic has been devastating to this country and to the world.
- Pandemic starts with a P. See? I got my facilities, faculties. I got my faculties. You know, like teachers, teachers. Like when they write on a chalkboard and their arms jiggle underneath. It makes me feel kinda
-Yaahhh!
- Mr. President.
- Yes.
- You're not the President.
- Yes I am.
- No, you're not.
- Hey, you still hosting "Wheel of Fortune"? Jill and I love you. Oh, and that Vanna White. I'd buy her a vowel. Ahhh!
- President Grump, what will you do to prevent any future pandemics?
- That's easy, no more testing. None at all. See, no tests means no one is sick.
- Ehhh?
- The fantastic American public will vote for it. Trust me. Plus, all these terrible viruses come from Jina. I plan to charge Jina an import tax on each case of COVID. And then I'll build a wall on our border with Jina.
- Ah, Mr. President, there is no border between the U.S. and China.
- Yes there is.
- No, there isn't.
- Well, there will be, and Mexico will pay for it.
- What? Why?
- Because they still owe us for the other one.
- Did I ever tell you about the time I got a fortune cookie that said "Made in China"? At least that's what the little piece of paper said, only it was a sticker. And it was on my cell phone case. No cookie, just the fortune. True story.
- That was a sticker on your phone case that said "Made in China".
- Yep.
- If we have that wall on that Jina border, no more fake fortune cookies phone cases. I'm gonna make that an executive order law.
- Listen here Bub, you're done building walls. I remember when I told Gorbachev to tear down that wall. Best speech I ever made. Jill said that speech made her horny. Whaaahh! Oh, that was a good one.
- You know, you better hope that Jina never buys the United States because if they do then the abbreviation for Virginia would be VA
- Don't say it.
- Jina.
- He said it.
- Yeah, vagina.
- I ever tell you about the time I went to Jina? I went there with Hillary. Hillary loves Jina.
- Oh crap.
- Ahhhh!
- That's gotta hurt. Ha, ha!
- Did I ever tell you about the time when I was fightin' in the Korean war? I was stationed in kimchi. Those guys used deadly force on me 72 times, one for every state. And every time, I took 'em behind the woodshed. I stripped down naked and I said, "Come get me, kimchi guys. You bitch."
- What?
- Does anyone here really think I'm the crazy one?
- Mr. Hiden, do Black lives matter?
- You mean in general or when pickin' a running mate? Both answers are yes.
- Mr. Hiden, how do you pronounce Senator Harris's first name?
- Hah, you can't trick me. I know there's no such person as Senator Harris (chuckling). Never heard of him.
- She's your running mate.
- You said mate, chicka wow wow.
- President Grump, what do you have to say about rioters in Portland being grabbed and thrown into unmarked vans?
- Where'd they grab 'em?
- Portland.
- Oh, not the P
-word I was thinkin' of.
- Carmella, it's Carmella.
- We have moved on Mr. Vice President.
- Sorry Alec. For 500, who is Carmella Harrison?
- I'm sorry Mr. Vice President, it's Kamala.
- You dimwit, it's Commi
-law, as in communist law, which is what we're gonna have if she becomes Vice President and then President when this guy can't remember his last name.
- Or as I sometimes call her, Sweet Cheeks.Ahhhh!
- Time for a pop quiz. What does Antifa stand for?
- I take it for incontinence.
- Antifa. That's the Island where Commi
-law is from.
- In the light of current civil unrest, how we will handle Antifa?
- I can't handle Antifa. I'm not supposed to touch any more women at all. Except Jill. Jill said that any time, I can touch her Antifa.Ahhhh!
- I kinda want one of those things.
- President Grump, what has the current administration done correctly in regard to the COVID pandemic?
- It's gone, I Tweeted it away.
- It's not gone.
- Yes it is. And baseball is back. You're welcome, America.
- Mr. Vice President, what would you have done differently in regard to COVID?
- When is this debate gonna start? I'm itchin' for a fight. You know, sometimes I just ditch.
- When do you predict the COVID pandemic will be over with?
- Tuesday.
- Holy crap, this country is toast, ugh. How would you prevent future pandemics? To you Mr. Hiden.
- Thanks Oxnard.
- It's Achmed. Ch, ch, ch, Achmed.
- Hey, you know that show where that kid went, "Di
-no
-mite"? You should do that. Then blow somethin' up.
- What are you talking about?
- I just wanna go on record saying there is no pandemic. This is a hoax. It's just bad sushi from Jina. It's bad Jina sushi. Why do you think the Jinese have all these sushi restaurants?
- Sushi is Japanese.
- You, my friend, are a racist. Heh! See that? That's how you do it. You call them a racist and they got nowhere to go. We need better masks that can prevent germs but at the same time can still allow you to sniff a pretty girl's hair from behind.Ahhh!
- What is happening?
- Sorry. I hope Jill didn't hear that one. Jill is my wife. Y'know, she looks just like my sister. I get 'em mixed up sometimes. It's actually kinda hot.Ahhhh! Whoa, that was a big one. Oh, you're lucky I'm not gonna remember this.
- Startin' to kinda like this guy.
- Next question. How can you help prevent a peaceful protest from turning violent?
- That's an easy one. Just send in the military and start shootin'. I got that from General Patton. He was our second best president.
- Another question. Do you think mail
-in voting can be fraudulent?
- Of course. Anyone can fill out a vote by mail, including all the illegals that work in my hotels. We need to delay the election until we fix that problem. If you don't believe me, just ask has my BFF, Putin.
- I already mailed in my votes. Whole box of 'em. It's gonna be a landslide for Perot. Ye hah!
- Perot's running again?
- Mr. President, how will you handle foreign policy?
- I say you grab it. You grab it by the policy.
- Do either of you think you're too old for the job of president?
- I'm still young at heart. And hair. Seriously, I still act young. Some say like a baby. And I still got all my male hormones. I mean, I know how hot my daughter is. We all do. Am I right?
- Can you repeat the question in my good ear?
- Never mind. Next question. How will you help those who lost their jobs and businesses during COVID?
- You mean all the folks I fired from the White House?
- You know, when I was a kid, me and cream corn used to have a paper route. The lesson there is you got to pull yourself up by your bootstraps and get back on that whore. Horse, horse. If elected, I will make sure every American has bootstraps and a whore.
- I'm in.Ahhh!
- He meant horse.
- Darn.
- Hey Bub, did you know that the donut is the State bird of Manhattan?
- Do you have a plan to ensure that all Americans can afford health care?
- No, but I'm pushin' for longer CVS receipts. The three foot long ones are okay, but I'm saying six feet will get me reelected.
- What are you talking about?
- Well, you may not get any money off your prescriptions, but you'll get a buy one, get one free on Corn Nuts.
- If anyone messes with my Medicare, I will put a boot in their ass. Did I ever tell you about the time I killed a man with my dentures? Sunshine in one hand and dentures in the other. Hoy yah!
- What the hell is he talkin' about?
- This country is very divided. How will you bring all Americans together?
- By keeping everyone separate.
- Mr. Vice President?
- Duct tape. That holds everything together.
- He's losin' it.
- And by the way, I did not pick Kamala
-la because she's Black.
- Yes, you did.
- No I didn't.
- Yes you did!
- I picked her because she was the most qualified candidate.
- No you didn't
- I picked her because she's a woman.
- There you go.
- Black and a woman.
- What?
- When I was a young boy growing up in Scottsdale
-
- Scranton! You grew up in Scranton.
- Scranton? You sure? Sounds like something you take medicine for to get rid of. Hey Frank, you don't look so good. Yeah, you know that woman I was going out with? She gave me Scranton, and boy does it itch.Ahhhhh!
- Holy crap.
- But when I was a young boy, I used to say, I want to be a strong Black woman.Ahhh! Black man. (Black child. (Young black child with a taste for Mexican food. (Ahhhh! Unicorn. I want to be a damn unicorn! Ahhhh!
- You guys are nuts! Seriously, after seeing all of this, what idiot would want to be president?
- I'm your huckleberry.
- There's one of my voters.
- Thanks for joining us, everyone. America, you're screwed.
- Wait! If I'm gonna run, I need to pick a Vice President of color.
- Hey, does purple count?
- Whoa my.
- [Achmed] Silence! I kill you!
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