2015“外研社杯”全国英语写作大赛赛题及冠/亚/季军记叙文展示

2015“外研社杯”全国英语写作大赛决赛记叙文赛题

Read the beginning of the story below and complete the story in 600-800 words.

An Unexpected Guest

Riya was terrified when she heard the news on television that an alien spaceship had landed in her city. As a precaution, her father closed all the doors and windows.

Though everyone was asleep, Riya could not sleep a wink. The thought of aliens in her city kept her mind racing. It was almost midnight when she heard the door bell ring.

By now she was really scared. She ran towards the door but her father instructed her to go back to bed. She pretended to go towards her room, but hid behind the sofa and watched her father open the door.

---

选手作文

（林远展，2015“外研社杯”全国英语写作大赛冠军）

When her father opened the door, a human-like alien was standing outside the house, looking weary and exhausted in the faint light radiated from the house. Her father stepped back to the house instinctively. "Please don't be afraid. My name is Carson and I come from another planet outside of the solar system," Carson replied with a unusual voice, similar to the alien-like voice heared on the television. "We are not your enemies and won't do any harm to human beings."

Riya's father still did not trust him. "Our planet is being attacked by another planet dwellers and they are much more powerful than we are. Our home is almost devastated by their ruthless assault. Thousands of us are uprooted and cannot find an asylum nearby. And Earth is the most pleasant place to go, which is not far from our home compared to other inhabitable planets in the boundless universe. I lose contact with my fellows and that's why I am here all alone," Carson said genuinely without any trying.

Riya's father gained courage to greet Carson and shook hands with him. "I really empathize with your tribulation," her father said, quite careful with his words. "Can I just stay the night in your sofa because I am utterly out of strength after the trip," Carson implored. Riya's father was a person with a heart of gold who usually don't know how to refuse others. "Ok, just one night. Tomorrow you are leaving," her father said. He ushered Carson in the house and gave a cashmere blanket to Carson. "Thanky you very much, Sir. I owe you a lot," Carson said full of emotion.

Carson lied down on the sofa and began to soothe the tiredness from his muscle. Riya, who huddled behind the sofa, crept from the sofa and wanted to have a close look at Carson beacause the darkness of the night prevented her from seeing him clearly. She found he was nothing different from the homon sapiens, which gave her a great deal of courage to greet Carson.

"Hello, Carson," she said in an intentionally muffled voice because she did not want to wake her father up. Carson was startled by the sudden meterializetion of such a tiny little girl but he regained his composure in an instant. "Hello," Carson replied. "My name is Riya," she whispered. "Hi, Riya, thank you so much for letting me stay here," Carson said with gratitude. "No, you are welcome," she replied. Out of her curiosity, she could not subdue the urge to learn more about this unexpected guest from another planet.

"I always think there is no other planet where living creatures inhabit," she said. "That's not true. There are thousands of other planets in the enormous univers that are suitable for living and teeming with great wonders like Earth," Carson replied with an air of intelligence. "Really?" Riya gasped. "Yes, of course," Carson said.

"In my planet, the trees are sky-reaching; flowers never wither; seasons never change; cars can fly in the sky; our buildings can migrate on their own; everything is computerized in our lives," Carson said. "Wow, that's wonderful. I can only watch such a scene in the scientific films and I always yearn to visit such a place personally," she siad with excitement and mirth. "But almost everything is ravaged by our foes who are relentless in their barbaric invasion. And all the charm and beauty perished in their remorseless attack. It's not an easy job to restore and rebulid our home," Carson replied in melancholy.

"I'm so sorry to hear that but you can stay here so that I can hear more interesting things that I do not know," she said in a serious tone. "I will persuade my father to let you stay and you don't need to fret about it." "You are the angel and I really appreciate that," Carson replied, tears brimming up in his eyes. And Riya found that aliens also had personal feelings, which was quite different from the scenes in the film in which aliens are heartless and devoild of any emotions.

"Good night, Carson, I think you need a good rest," she uttered in the low voice and tiptoed back to her bedroom.

The sunshine slanted through the windows and the whole family was awaken. Riya jumped up from her bed and got dressed swiftly, storming out of her room just to say good morning to Carson. When she rushed to the living room, Carson was gone, with the blanket foled in square and a brief note on the top it. Riya was completely reluctant to accept that. The tears streamed down her unwashed cheeks.

The note read: "Dear Sir and Riya, you are very kind to me and I will never forget your hospitability. At 3:00 am, I recieved my fellows' message that our leader is shceming to fight back and all of us should march with each other to repel our foes away from our mother planet. As a member of the big family, I should bear the obiligation to safeguard my planet when it is in peril and jeopardy. Sorry for my leaving without advance notification. But I promise I will come back to repay all the warmth I have received here. And Riya, I will talk about the mysteries residing in the universe with you. Best regards!"

Riya simmered down, clutching the note in her hand. She could not forget Carson although they only had a several-minute talk. Time marched on and three years later, there was a familiar ring on the door in the midnight.

This time, Riya opened it.

---

选手破题思路

韩宁宁，2015“外研社杯”全国英语写作大赛亚军

我是习惯把两篇题目都先过一遍，一方面是为了熟悉一下题目，另一方面是决定先写哪个。我选择先写记叙文，有两个原因：一是看了一遍题目，我脑子里立马就有话可说，有故事可写；二是刚进考场，感觉心还没有完全沉下来，比较激动，不适合写逻辑性强，有深度的议论文，但思维活跃，适合发挥想象，表达感情，很适合记叙文的开展。所以我先从记叙文下手，而把议论文放到了最后。

记叙文中，首先映入我脑海的一个情节就是外星人要把地球人带走，原因是环境污染、恐怖袭击、自然灾害频发。这块可以很好地与当下国情及时事联系起来，体现当下大学生的人文情怀与责任意识。但是父女二人不能离开地球，他们又用更充分的理由留在了地球，包括地球上美好感人的一面以及他们对地球家园的热爱。这也是受启发于前段时间很火的扎克伯格给女儿的一封信，信中就是先抑后扬，阐述了世界虽然存有动荡与危机，但仍有越来越好的一面。

之后，马上要写的时候，我突然想到了这个外星人的身份是小女孩的妈妈，因为题目中只提到了父亲和女儿，唯独没有妈妈。在一个家庭中，有了妈妈才更加完整，所以为什么不把外星人定位为归来的妈妈呢？这样，文章框架才确定了下来。

情节很清晰，可是写的过程中也出现了很多问题。其中最明显的就是没安排好时间与结构，前面写的太细致，太嗨了，以致都写了800多字了，地球好的一面才刚开始。

由于时间和字数的要求，只能先匆匆结尾，等两篇作文都写完后，在剩下的十五分钟内，对记叙文加以删减、精炼，腾出更多的笔墨来写地球好的一面以及结尾，因为原本是着重写后面地球积极的一面的。此外，还好是记叙文，所以最后简洁收尾，点明主题，也并不显突兀。

选手佳作展示

文章为从系统摘出的原生作品，目的是为了展现出选手三个小时内的写作风貌，可能存在部分拼写错误，仅供学习分享使用。

Her father was cautiously trying to open the door little by little, but once he twisted the doorknob, the door opened all of a sudden with a beam of bright light and a irresistable wind blowing towards him. He was shocked and scared with his eyes and mouth open big.

Behind the light, here comes an elgant lady with long light blue hair sliding down her shoulders, just like a waterfall. Hiding behind the sofa, somewhat Riya felt a sense of kindness and familiarity. As the woman moved closer to them, she recognized that it was her dead mother. Her father was choked to speechless. So did Riya. And unconsciously, Riya stood up from behind the sofa.

The "ceased" mother opened her mouth firstly. " Oh, my sweethearts, I am here to pick you up. Let's go to the space together."

"Are you Jane, my beautiful Jane?" He spoke with uncertainty, and his voice was vibrating.

"Yeah, I am Jane, the one always loves you and cherishes you." Her head spinned to Riya," Riya, come here, give mummie a hug." She said, smiling with tears.

Riya was so surprised that she could understand what was happenning. But it feels like something was attracting her to walk towards Mom. She could not help asking, " Really? But why you come from space?"

She loosed a breath, and said,"I was dead indeed. However, one alien brought me back to life. He was a powerful old man, with huge square head, sharp body and long beard made up of silver. It was a wonderful place, no polution, no fights. I am here to bring you to space, because I know, the situation on the earth is worsening. The terrorist attacks are hapennning everyday. The environment pollution is accelerating. The human beings are dying every minute, from hunger, disease and wars."

"How do you know that?" The father asked bewilderingly.

"We aliens can see what is happening clearly on the earth. Recently, many refugees from Syria are striving to survive in Europe. Whereas, unfortunately, a great number of them are drowning in the ocean. Especially that 3-year-old little boy, lying on the beach solitudely and pathetically. He should have been in the arm of his mother, or in the small and sweet bed to fall asleep peacefully and quietly. In spite of that sad and tough situation, many hard-minded Europeans refuse to open the door to the poor immigrants. Worse stil, how many people died of terrorist attacks? The fire shooting in American campus caused 14 kids dead;

The brutal attack on "Charlie's Magazine" robbed millions of French people's freedom and right on speaking; The unforgettable massacre in Paris, ruined people's pleasure in concert, plaza and stadium. That is human, that is how cruel and brutal they are."

Riya said with her big and beautiful eyes winking, "We cannot leave the earth just because of this. After all, we have been living here for such a long time."

"If that is not enough, then what about the environment pollution? Look at the sky, it is totally blanketed by hte smog. We even could not see the distance beyond 3 miles. That makes me sick. I can hardly breathe in such a bad weather. Even though all the citizens wear masks, the horrible diseases could not be avoided. Nowadays, many people died of AIDS, malaria and various cancers. People's lungs, hearts, and livers are exposed to the pollution terribly. Do you want to end with diseases?"

The father's heart sunk. But after a silence, he claimed," You are right, and what you said is true. Nevertheless, as you are, many people just focus on the dark and devil side of the world. Many beautiful and touching moments are neglected by you. The founder and CEO of Facebook donated 99% of the asset--approximately 45 billion dollars to philanthropy, aimed at facilitating the development of medical treatment on diseases, education in rural areas and Iinternet connection for more information available equally to all the people in every corner of the world. That is not merely for his noe-born daughter, but more importantly, it is for a better generation. Many enterpreneurs are trying to making contributions to the world, like the Ice Bucket Challenge last year, that devoted a lot to help those suffering children. The world is becoming better and better. And we hope you can stay with us, in our imperfect but important planet. It is in this planet that we know each other, fall in love with each other and compose this family. We cannot leave and please do ont go, just to be with us."

The Mom was moved by what he said, and said yes. They decided to live in planet and change the planet to a better and beautiful homeland they wanted. That was what everyone on the earth should and must do.

往届选手点评

杜砚，2014“外研社杯”全国英语写作大赛冠军

这是一篇带着议论性质的记叙文。

首先谈破题。我觉得顺着题目的思路，引出外星人母亲的出现，再通过母亲和家人的对话展现作者自己的看法心声，是对题目的一个很好的展开方式。这样的处理不但契合题意，也为作者自己的发挥提供了很大的空间。

其次谈语言。与其他记叙文不同，这篇文章很大一部分是对话，而语言最为精彩的部分也在对话。对话中，“死而复生“的母亲讲述地球上发生的种种动荡和灾难，希望丈夫和女儿可以和自己到外星球生活，而女儿和父亲却通过种种例子说明，地球正越变越好，我们都有责任留在地球，努力把他变得更好。在这些对话中我读到了作者自己的风格，看到了她对世界的思考。她借着笔下人物的口，声声呼吁我们应该并肩携手，共创更和谐的世界，更美丽的地球。特别是文章最后一句“ this is what everyone on the earth should and must do”， 让我动容。对话中，我可以读出一家人你一言我一语中对世界的关怀，同时这些对话中作者举出的例子之详细，也可以看出她对时事的了解和关心。

如果是我，可能会努力以一种“showing”而不是“telling”的方式展现当今世界的疾苦，因为在我心里，记叙文常常是含蓄的。对我来说，写记叙文（或者是写故事，写小说）时，特别像是隔了一层薄薄的窗户纸，向位于另一边的读者倾吐心声。他们眼里的我，是犹抱琵琶半遮面的讲诉者，而若是捅破了这层窗户纸，把我想说的话原原本本告诉他们，他们便会觉得少了一点什么。我想建议这位选手的是，是否可以尝试通过更多细节描写突出自己所想表达的人物和立意，当然，这也仅为个人的建议。

---

选手破题思路

郭浩辰，2015“外研社杯”全国英语写作大赛季军

这个题目让我想起之前看过的《三体》中关于外星人的chief message：和外星人建立联系对地球文明造成了毁灭性的打击。这点我是比较赞同的，所以这次也安排了一个邪恶的、把人类当成研究对象的外星人。

我主要想探讨人类的爱——在本文的语境中也就是父女之情。爱不是万能的，有时候甚至是危险的、致命的，这是导致父女死亡的原因。但爱也是唯一将人类与外星生物区别开来的东西，是人类的defining characteristic.这次字数和时间没有把控好，结尾有些仓促，也许没有清晰地传递我的motif，这点比较遗憾。

选手佳作展示

文章为从系统摘出的原生作品，目的是展现出选手三个小时内的写作风貌，可能存在部分拼写错误，仅供学习分享使用。

Her father stumbled backward, emitting an indistinct but panic noise. A flock of grosteque, bloodcurdling creatures were standing in the doorway. One can barely draw analogy between them and any earthly living thing. They were heavy-set, like ragged rocks, somewhat taller than the door, semi-transparent throughout. What stunned Riya the most was that, they didn't seem to have what humans define as "head" -- let alone eyes, nose, or even a mouth. She goggled at them, her mouth wide open. It took her great efforts to refrain from screaming, but her lips couldn't help trembling. "Would father protect me safe and sound like always? " She was not sure about the answer.

"Sorry to interrupt. We are here on a mission." A cold, machine-like sound was uttered by the one in front.

"What... what do you want?" The man, painstakingly oppressing his fret, replied in a quivering voice.

"We have long been observing the living entities on this planet, which you call earth. Years of observation point out one unquestionable fact that mankind is the best object for our study. We are perplexed, fascinated or even intoxicated by your behaviors, many of which seem utterly incomprehensible to us. That's why we've come a long way -- like decades of light years -- to be here."

"You were saying that you want to have a closer look at us?" Riya's father was regaining his calm.

"Oh, you misunderstood. It is definitely a piece of cake to get pictures and footages of everything on earth. Even at home – I mean on our planet, we can count out the hairs on your chest if we want." These words, though acridly ironic, was delivered in a monotone, devoid of any intonation that might suggest the speaker's attitude.

"So why bother to come here? Why are you here in my doorway?" Something really bad was happening, the man thought, his forehead sweating.

"What we ask of you is every simple. We know you have a daughter, who's now hiding behind the sofa." On hearing this, Riya's father threw a immediate glance at the sofa. His bloodshot eyes widened, full of agitation and agony. Hardly had her eyes met with her dad's than she cried out loud. Her heart wildly thumping, she could barely breathe. In no time, his father rushed to her, swepted her into his arms, and pressed her tight against his chest, snarling, "What the hell do you want from us? Dare you touch her!"

"Calm down. We mean no harm to you. Just need a little help for us to figure out the nature love. That is a thory problem for us: try as we did, we failed to give a definition to that intangible material peculiar to you human beings. Every now and then, we wonder what exactly is it that consititutes the so-called 'emotional bond' between parents and childern..."

"You bastard!" Yelling furiously, Riya's father darted to the speaking creature and flung a fest at it. That attack, however, was in vain. Some invisible power rebounded him back, thrusting him heavily on the wall. "Dad!" A shriek ran through the drawing room.

"Oh, don't be silly. You cannot even touch us. And we don't want us sample damaged. Spare your efforts and cooperate with us -- that is the only choice for you.We want to take away one of you two: either you or your daughter.Rest assured, the one being taken will enjoy a good life in our spacecraft." Indifferent though that voice sounded, it was piercing to the ears of the man and the girl.

"Then take me! I'll go with you, just leave my daughter alone. Promise you won't hurt her, otherwise I'll do whatever I can to make you suffer!" Almost without the sightest hesitation, the man made his decision, his eyes watering.

"No, dad, you promised you'll never leave me!" The girl desparately shouted, tears streaming down her face. Then she cuddled to her father and put her arms around him.

"I don't think that's possible. Little, girl. It's either you or him, and the decision is up to you. Fair and square."

"Alright, I'll go. My dad has been protecting me since I was born, and now I'll be his shield for the first time." The girl summmoned her courage and uttered a string of words that were no different from a deadly blow to her father.

"Riya, shut up! What are you talking about!"

... ...

After several rounds of back and forth, the father and daughter were still arguing and reaching no agreement. Out of patience, the "alien commander" erupted, giving out a beam of blinding light, which then envoloped the man and the girl.

"I think we are right. Love is dangerous, devastating, or even lethal.What silly creatures! Such affections will eventually lead to the demise of all humanity."

The father and daughter, lying together on the ground, would never part ever since.

点评嘉宾

杜砚，2014“外研社杯”全国英语写作大赛冠军

这篇文章描绘的其实是电影、电视剧中常常看到的场景：坏人要把两个相爱的人分开，这样一个生离死别的时刻，两个人都想保护对方不受伤害，然后就是害怕，挣扎，撕心裂肺，不顾一切。

而在我看来，这样看似常见的情节，却被作者巧妙利用起来，造就了一篇成功的文章。本文的作者的成功之处便是将这样一个我们都很熟悉的情节设定，和题目本身结合起来，写出了创意，写出了深刻和美。

美，美在语言。这篇记叙文读起来不像记叙文，像故事，像小说，而这一点在我看来，是较为难得的。我总认为，要写好记叙文这一个版块，很重要的一点就是应该把自己定位成一个storyteller而不是一名选手，即使身在考场，眼前是一篇已经写好开头的文章和已经开始倒计时的秒表，周围是奋笔疾书的同学，屋外是紧张等待的指导老师。只有摆正了自己的位置，才知道自己应该以怎样的语言叙述这个故事，应该采取什么角度，应该突出哪些细节。

这篇文章的作者显然做到了。他的语言有一种娓娓道来的真切，比如第一段对于外星人的描写，形容词和修辞比喻的准确使用是其一，更可贵的是句式行文之流畅，长短句交替使用之娴熟，某些地方还带着些许科幻小说叙事特有的味道。

另外值得一提的是作者的对话描写，有几处可谓是相当精彩。我个人很喜欢外星人说的那几句话，带着天然的冷冷的优越感，没有情感的语调，和内心柔软的父亲和女儿形成了鲜明的对比。

创意，主要体现在作者将外星人这个科幻题材和对人性的探讨结合在一起，特别是其中一段，谈到外星人要把女儿抓去来研究父母和孩子之间的情感关系这一部分，作者很巧妙地把自己对这样的情感关系的探究和思考和题目契合起来，既显精妙构思，又不显得突兀，使下文情节的发展更加合情合理。

深刻，主要是在整个文章的立意上。没有立意的文章或者故事或多或少都显得苍白了些，科幻小说也不例外。整个文章从一开始描写外星人的形态，到外星人说明来意，再到父亲从愤怒到不舍，女儿从恐惧到坚强的情感变化，环环相扣，最后堆砌出的高潮便是“the alien commander erupted, giving out a beam of blinding light, which then enveloped the man and the girl”, 之后便是画龙点睛般的一句“ Love is dangerous, devastating, or even lethal...such affections will eventually lead to the demise of all humanity”， 似总结的语言，引人深思，比如我就会不自主地想到科幻小说中常见的高深科学和人性之间的矛盾关系。当然，一千个读者心中就有一千个哈姆雷特，每个人对这篇文章的理解也不尽相同，但是作者通过这篇文章提出自己的思考，便是一大成功之处了。

这篇文章也有几处轻微的不完美，比如，作者用省略号省去了父亲和女儿的争论内容，其实我觉得，若是时间充足，写一写也是无妨的，删去了未免可惜，因为其实父亲和女儿身上还有很多可以深挖的料呢，比如这个父亲和女儿从前有什么经历？他们的父女关系是什么样的，等等。若是能把笔墨分一些在这上面，他们之间的争执在读者眼里可能就有了一番新的意义。所以在人物塑造方面，希望这位选手可以进一步改进。

总体来说这是一篇很赞的考场记叙文！

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选手破题思路

王希，2015“外研社杯”全国英语写作大赛季军

由于基本未练习过记叙文写作，最开始看到题目时，我有些手足无措。但看到题目"An unexpected guest”和故事开头后，我确定了这是一篇科幻性文章的续写，对创造性写作的要求比较高，故而比较放心地大胆想象。

一个故事的展开需要人物和情节的推动来表达主题。在确定主要人物为ET和Riya后， 我决定将故事主题定位环保——由于地球污染严重，侵蚀了外星人的家园，ET前来“讨伐”，最终带领Riya飞上天空，以地理位移的顺序描写来展现城市的污染状况，并穿插Riya的回忆进行对比。虽然主题看似“荒谬”，但和情节相联系，也可自圆其说。

续写过程中，我尽可能多加入细节描写。同时，我希望制造一个较为出人意料、又有些许意外的结局，故将梦境与现实交叠而写，通过“现实—梦境—现实”的穿插，丰富文章的层次。

然而，我并未能将故事最大化地完善，因时间不够而收尾得有些仓促，此外在后半部分的细节描写上也有些欠缺。

选手佳作展示

文章为从系统摘出的原生作品，目的是展现出选手三个小时内的写作风貌，可能存在部分拼写错误，仅供学习分享使用。

As her father opened the door, suddenly, a beam of brilliant light glimmered and scattered into the whole room,blazing like dancing fire.

"Wow!" exclaimed Riya with widely opening eyes.

A tremendous object totally blocked the door. It had a humanlike skeleton, with a round head, strong arms and legs,a waist as thick as a cow. On its face, two lighting blue dots standed for the eyes, and an outstanding steel line turnded down into a curve-- though it's hard to read its countenance, it's easy to feel its melancholy by his air. Besides, his fat face is covered with grey dusts, as if he came from the dustbin on the earth, not the sky.

"Go back to your room!" her father looked back and shouted, "Hey guy, what are you doing here?" He turned back to the strange object, with subtle trebling in his voice.

"Hey man," he said politely, put his left hand in front of its chest and gave a deeply bow. "I'm the ambassador of the Greenish Place, a very beautiful planet just like the Earth twenty million years ago. But these days, some nasty substances invaded our home, and we discoverd that them came from your planet..." Riya listened carefully, and creeped towards the door unconciously.

"So what?" her father shouted unpatiently, attempting to close the door.

"Wait,"the object put his right hand on the door, " I noticed your backyard is like a derelict dump, so I'd like to beg you..."

"That can't be true!" Riya's father cried in outrage and put the object out of the door.

"If so, I have no choice but take the girl to see it," the object drew a soft, long breath, and take Riya under its arms, rocketing into the sky, finally vanished into the distance.

"Riya--"her dad's scary and long shout left far away behind them.

While floating in the sky, the object hugged the shiveing girl totally lost in words,opened its mouth again:"Dear girl, don't be panic and I won't hurt you. I just want to show you to see your city's terrible environmental condition."

"What's terrible?" asked Riya in a low voice. A curious beast slowly stretchend and purred within her bosom, gradually overcoming her fear.

"Look here." the object blowing away the heavy smog lasting for days, pointed at the ground.

In the local industry site, the black smoke were flying into the night sky,drifting like a lone black snake, veiling all the shining stars with a strifling cloth. Enormous working trucks howling in the night, breaking all the peace away. Riya gazed in silent, with memories flowing back. Ten year ago, this had been a local garden, filled with children's laughters instead of smoke.

Next to the industrial working cite, lied a black velvet. After gazing at it closedly, Riya surprisedly found that it was a river! Years ago, she had alway put her bare feet into it, catching little fishes in the clear water.

Located beside the river, a derelict dump. Next to it, a smoking indurstry again...

"See, that is your planet, a melancholy place..." the object sigh with gloom

"Oh no! That cannot be true!" Riya closed her eyes, letting out a desperate loud shout trembling the peacefully shining star.

"Your human beings should pay for it!" after the final shout of the object, it loosed the arms, letting Riya falling into the sky.

"Oh no!" exclaimed her. She suddenly opened her eyes, found herself lying on her bed. It was a nightmare.

Suddenly, a light shined thourth the windonw, and the door bell rang again.

This is not a dream, but a real horrible fact.

往届选手点评

杜砚，2014“外研社杯”全国英语写作大赛冠军

整体来说，这篇记叙文语言优美，情节设计较为合理。

作者在文章的开篇两段详细描写了外星人的形象，我觉得颇为精彩：A tremendous object totally blocked the door. It had a human like skeleton, with a round head, strong arms and legs, a waist as thick as a cow. On its face, two lighting blue dots standed(应为stood) for the eyes, and an outstanding steel line turned down into a curve--though it’s hard to read its countenance, it’s easy to feel its melancholy by its air. Besides, his fat face is covered with grey dusts, as if he came from the dustbin on earth, not the sky.

可以说这位选手的描写较为详细，一些比喻的使用也是恰当而娴熟。我尤其喜欢作者的最后一句，说这个外星人脸上沾满灰尘，好像是从地球的垃圾桶爬出来的，而不是从天而降的。作者能细心到写出外星人“风尘仆仆”的外貌，体现了作者的匠心，也反映了她平时的阅读和积累一定很充实。

另一处则是作者对城市污染的描写：In the local industrial site, the black smoke were flying into the night sky, drifting like a lone( 应为 long)black snake, veiling all the shining stars with a stifling cloth. Enormous working trucks howling （应为howled）in the night, breaking all the peace away.这一段的描写同样充满了画面感，黑蟒一般的工厂烟雾，向一块布一般遮蔽了浩渺星辰，工厂中的卡车，在夜晚低吼。这里作者站在女孩和外星人的角度，以俯拍的视角描写污染，给读者提供了一种不一样的理解方式和维度。

本文的情节设计也很合理，按照的是传统的“起因—经过—结果”的结构，从外星人的出现，到他指责地球的污染，再到他抱起女孩向她展示城市的污染程度，情节环环相扣。

本文的不足就是没有更详细地交代地球上的污染是如何危害外星人的星球的。如果没有解释，有一些读者可能会产生疑问。同时，作者对人物在不同情境下的表现可以把握得更好，比如，女孩看到地球的污染之严重，开始回忆被污染之前这些地方的模样，之后却稍显突兀地“仰天长啸”，这其中缺少了对女孩心理变化的描摹；而没有这样一个“牵线搭桥”的环节，读者可能难以更好地理解之后女孩的“desperate lou shout”是多么的desperate。

然而，瑕不掩瑜，这篇记叙文无论在语言方面，情节方面还是和题目的契合度方面都做得很好，是一篇难得的考场佳作。

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选手破题思路

张正，2015“外研社杯”全国英语写作大赛季军

拿到记叙文的题目后，我认真读了两遍，第一遍是理解大意，第二遍注意细节，思考所给的信息都有何用处，不断在心里询问自己为什么，以使得文章能结合所给内容合理地续接续下去。

回看题目，中心词是“unexpected”，因此在行文过程中要尽量铺垫，娓娓道来最后再揭晓“guest”的身份可更加突出“unexpected”的程度。

由于我很喜欢“欧·亨利”式结尾的短篇小说——结局出人意料，待深思后又发现在情理之中——因而决定选用这种风格来构建全文。思考几分钟后，我把Riya的父亲定义为那个来自外星的“guest”，以便使其身份更令人惊诧。于是我在前文中大量铺陈伏笔，多加进行主人翁心理描写：恐惧、矛盾、困惑和幽暗的环境描写以烘托气氛，尽量让文章更具吸引力。

本文我特意采用了Riya父亲写信的方式，一是可以使文章更具新意，二是更利于推动情节发展，方便进行叙述。但为避免情节陷入一潭死水，在逐渐剥离表象、揭示真相时还采用主人翁“flashback”的手法将信与过去生活连结，以使得全文更加合理可信。此外，中间穿插主人翁Riya的心理活动，以此表现出Riya由之前的不可置信到后来渐渐接受真相的过程。最后，到文章末尾还得回过头来进行点题，即指出谁是那个不速之客。

作文完成后独自反思时感觉因比赛时间和字数限制，结局有些仓促，前文虽尽力营造出期待揭开真相的神秘气氛，却因本人功力有限，无法达到很好效果。总之表现手法还有待提高，全文也有待进一步完善。

选手佳作展示

文章为从系统摘出的原生作品，目的是展现出选手三个小时内的写作风貌，可能存在部分拼写错误，仅供学习分享使用。

The moment when the door opened, a hew of bright glow penetrated into the room, which made Riya hardly see anything clearly. With few seconds passed, the bright light suddenly died out, and everything turned back to normal as if there were nothing had happened--but her father disappeared, too.

Witnessed everything, though felt scared and horrible, Riya wanted to go out for help, her leggs, however, trumbled and were too feeble to support her thinny but trembling boby.

"What will they do to father, what if they hurt him and what if he will never come back..." thought Riya. And the more questions she asked herself in the heart, more scareness was burdened on her heart--after all, she was only 14 years old and her father was the only family she had, the only one to cherich.

For her father! she thought, so she mustered up her courage and went out to the door, intending to track her father down. Then, Riya strode steadily towards the door, where she found an envelope lay on the floor.

The envelope, though shrouded in the darkness, was easy to be noticed, something must be applied on its surface so as to attract her attention. Riya piecked it up, curiously and a little surprised, because it may serve as an inevitable evidence to solve all her puzzles.

Unwrapped the envelope, she saw a letter folded in it and when she couldn't wait to open the letter, she recognized it's the hand­writing of her father's. The words were written in the red color, placed against the white paper, to make the witing easier to recognize.

There her father wrote-­

"Dear Riya,

My little kid. I know it must be hard for you to understand, but I have to tell the truth tonight, though I have kept it a secrete for these years and I had no intention to tell you all of these; however, things have all changed and I have no choice but to tell you: I'm the alien for the comets 47."

Having read to the last word of the firt paragragh, Riya was shocked and couldn't believe her eyes! 

"How could be!" thought she.

Then, she contined to read the rest.

"15 years ago, I was one of the member of our exploring group to come to the Earth and I, how to say, was equal to your so called 'scientist' of the group and I had a mission to research of human beings. Then, I adopted you in the local hospital when you were only 10 months. To be honest, I had supposed to raise you up to about 2 year-old and to bring you back to our planet as the object of a series of trials of ours.

However, with each day passing, I gradually grew more affection for you because you were so cute--your smile was alawys looks so pure and bright, and you could never be too naughty to let me chase after you to bring you back to bed; you were the cleverest child I've ever seen--you always raised a lot of strange questions which was beyound my knowledge and puzzled me, a scientist of our planet! And you were such a comfort and consolation to me--it is you to make me feel warm for the first time, and since you were born not so physically strong, I had the chance to feel worried for my little girl as a father. Therefore, I was appreciated for everyday you kept me company and I eliminated the idea of making you as our trials' object and even every human beings on Earth."

Riya now came to realize that no wonder his father looked a little bit strange compared with the common people, no wonder his father's skin was not as warm as she was, and no wonder she had no mother, and no wonder... Every puzzlement seem to have been solved.

"I had thought our ordinary days could went on; however, the other day, my companions from the comet transmitted the message to me to recall me back. You know, I was reluctant to obey their order, but I have no power to resist. I have saved money for your future, put in your wardrobe. I will leave you but my heart will forever be by your side.Love, Your father, Ray."

Having read the whole letter, Riya couldn't help her tears dropping down like the cascade--her father was so considerate as usual! Though her father was an unexpected guest from the universe several years ago, he was the greatest father she had; though the days ahead will make herself to depend on her own, Riya knew her greatest father in the world would keep her company.

往届选手点评

杜砚，2014“外研社杯”全国英语写作大赛冠军

这一篇记叙文给我的第一感觉就是写法很新颖。

这篇文章无疑是切题的，但和别人不同的是，这篇文章没有关于外星人的描写，也没有顺着题目的思路写出女孩遇到外星人的奇遇，而是把笔墨放在了黑暗的屋子，满心疑惑捡起信的女儿，以及信中父亲的坦白上。整个故事的叙事有两条主线，一个是女儿，一个是父亲。女儿读信的心理描写与父亲温和真挚的言语，交替构成了文章后半部分的叙事。这样的写法新就新在把文章的视角进行了一定的转换，让我们从书信中认识父亲这个角色，有一种让人耳目一新的感觉。

整体来说，这篇文章的语言很优美。而且，文章提出了一个很好的情感发展点， 即父女之间的情感，而且还是一个外星人对一个人类女孩的父女亲情。

作者做得很好的一点就是在父亲写给女儿的信中，以插叙的形式向读者展示父女所经历的往事，写出了父亲由刚开始奉命行事，到后来被女孩感动，打消了把女孩带回自己星球成为试验品的念头，对女孩产生了真的感情。这样的情感是很能打动人的，而作者也充分利用自己扎实的叙事功底，通过父亲的信，把这份情感描摹得十分真切。

如果要指出文章的遗憾，便是在于整篇文章的结构上。作者花了很多笔墨铺垫女孩打开信前一系列的动作，却没有在父亲的信中加更多的回忆性或解释性的内容。父亲的信，反而更能够突出父亲对女儿强烈的在乎和爱。

尽管有细微的不足，这篇仍不失为优秀的记叙文。

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来源：全国英语写作大赛官网

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