女生在25岁前最该看的3个TED演讲（附视频&演讲稿）

猫妙妙 2019-10-11

只要有爱，天天都是情人节，平时怎样发现爱、读懂爱?

今天将这3个关于恋爱、婚姻的TED演讲分享给你，愿你从中获得更多爱的力量。

拥抱你内心的少女

Embrace your inner girl

似乎我们从小就被教育要摆脱一些女性化细胞，天生的敏感、冲动、轻信，妥协、软弱甚至善良并无法取悦这个社会。但演讲者告诉我们，每个人的内心都有一位少女，我们应该拥抱她，热爱上帝给我们的天份，寻找内心的力量。无论是谁，都该珍惜自己内心的脆弱、直觉、敏锐、悲悯和纯净，勇敢喊出”I am an emotional creature! I am a girl!”，因为这些都来源于爱。爱情中的我们不应畏惧，不需忧心过多，如果爱让我们脆弱，它也一定能使我们更强大。

在这个充满激情的演讲里，Eve Ensler阐述了我们每个人内心都有一个少女的观点。但我们都被要求去压制这一内心少女。她也讲到了世界各地勇敢的女孩逆境里求得生存的故事，充分显现了内心少女的力量。

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Good morning. I'm very happy to be here in India. And I've been thinking a lot about what I have learned over these last particularly 11 years with V-Day and "The Vagina Monologues," traveling the world, essentially meeting with women and girls across the planet to stop violence against women.

What I want to talk about today is is this particular cell, or grouping of cells, that is in each and every one of us. And I want to call it the girl cell. And it's in men as well as in women. I want you to imagine that this particular grouping of cells is central to the evolution of our species and the continuation of the human race.

And I want you imagine that at some point in history a group of powerful people invested in owning and controlling the world understood that the suppression of this particular cell, the oppression of these cells, the reinterpretation of these cells, the undermining of these cells, getting us to believe in the weakness of these cells and the crushing, eradicating, destroying, reducing these cells, basically began the process of killing off the girl cell, which was, by the way, patriarchy.

I want you to imagine that the girl is a chip in the huge macrocosm of collective consciousness. And it is essential to balance, to wisdom, and to actually the future of all of us. And then I want you to imagine that this girl cell is compassion, and it's empathy, and it's passion itself, and it's vulnerability, and it's openness and it's intensity and it's association, and it's relationship, and it is intuitive.

And then let's think how compassion informs wisdom, and that vulnerability is our greatest strength, and that emotions have inherent logic, which lead to radical, appropriate, saving action. And then let's remember that we've been taught the exact opposite by the powers that be, that compassion clouds your thinking, that it gets in the way, that vulnerability is weakness, that emotions are not to be trusted, and you're not supposed to take things personally, which is one of my favorites.

I think the whole world has essentially been brought up not to be a girl. How do we bring up boys? What does it mean to be a boy? To be a boy really means not to be a girl. To be a man means not to be a girl. To be a woman means not to be a girl. To be strong means not to be a girl. To be a leader means not to be a girl. I actually think that being a girl is so powerful that we've had to train everyone not to be that. (Laughter)

And I'd also like to say that the irony of course, is that denying girl, suppressing girl, suppressing emotion, refusing feeling has lead thus here. Where we have now come to live in a world where the most extreme forms of violence the most horrific poverty, genocide, mass rapes, the destruction of the Earth, is completely out of control. And because we have suppressed our girl cells, and suppressed our girl-ship, we do not feel what is going on.

So, we are not being charged with the adequate response to what is happening. I want to talk a little bit about the Democratic Republic of Congo. For me, it was the turning point of my life. I have spent a lot of time there in the last three years. I feel up to that point I had seen a lot in the world, a lot of violence.

I essentially lived in the rape mines of the world for the last 12 years. But the democratic republic of Congo really was the turning point in my soul. I went and I spent time in a place called Bukavu in a hospital called the Panzi Hospital, with a doctor who was a close to a saint as any person I've ever met. His name is Dr. Denis Mukwege. And, in the Congo, for those of you who don't know, there has been a war raging for the last 12 years, a war that has killed nearly six million people. It is estimated that somewhere between 300,000 and 500,000 women have been raped there.

When I spent my first weeks at Panzi hospital I sat with women who sat and lined up every day to tell me their stories. And their stories were so horrific and so mind-blowing, and so on the other side of human existence, that to be perfectly honest with you, I was shattered. And I will tell you that what happened, is through that shattering, listening to the stories of eight-year-old girls who had their insides eviscerated, who had guns and bayonets and things shoved inside them so they had holes, literally, inside them where their pee and poop came out of them.

Listening to the story of 80-year-old women who were tied to chains and circled, and where groups of men would come and rape them periodically, all in the name of economic exploitation to steal the minerals so the West can have it and profit from them. My mind was so shattered.

But what happened for me is that that shattering actually emboldened me in a way I have never been emboldened. That shattering, that opening of my girl cell, that kind of massive breakthrough of my heart allowed me to become more courageous and braver, and actually more clever than I had been in the past in my life.

And I want to say that I think the powers that be know that empire building is actually that feelings get in the way of empire building. Feelings get in the way of the mass acquisition of the Earth, and excavating the Earth, and destroying things. I remember, for example when my father, who was very very violent, used to beat me. And he would actually say, while he was beating me, "Don't you cry. Don't you dare cry." Because my crying somehow exposed his brutality to him. And even in the moment he didn't want to be reminded of what he was doing.

I know that we have systematically annihilated the girl cell. And I want to say we've annihilated it in men as well as in women. And I think in some ways we've been much harsher to men in the annihilation of their girl cell. (Applause) I see how boys have been brought up, and I see this across the planet, to be tough, to be hardened, to distance themselves from their tenderness, to not cry. I actually realized once in Kosovo, when I watched a man break down, that bullets are actually hardened tears, that when we don't allow men to have their girl self and have their vulnerability, and have their compassion, and have their hearts, that they become hardened and hurtful and violent.

And I think we have taught men to be secure when they are insecure, to pretend they know things when they don't know things, or why would we be where we are? To pretend they're not a mess when they are a mess. And I will tell you a very funny story. On my way here on the airplane, I was walking up and down the isle of the plane. And all these men, literally at least 10 men were in their little seats watching chick flicks. And they were all alone, and I thought, "This is the secret life of men." (Laughter)

I've traveled, as I said, to many many countries, and I've seen, if we do what we do to the girl inside us then obviously it's horrific to think what we do to girls in the world. And we heard from Sunitha yesterday, and Kavita about what we do to girls. But I just want to say that I've met girls with knife wounds and cigarette burns, who are literally being treated like ash trays. I've seen girls be treated like garbage cans. I've seen girls who were beaten by their mothers, and brothers and fathers and uncles. I've seen girls starving themselves to death in America in institutions to look like some idealized version of themselves.

I've seen that we cut girls and we control them and we keep them illiterate, or we make them feel bad about being too smart. We silence them. We make them feel guilty for being smart. We get them to behave, to tone it down, not to be too intense. We sell them, we kill them as embryos. We enslave them. We rape them. We are so accustomed to robbing girls of the subject of being the subjects of their lives that we have now actually objectified them and turned them into commodities.

The selling of girls is rampant across the planet. And in many places they are worth less than goats and cows. But I also want to talk about the fact that if one in eight people on the planet are girls between the ages of 10 to 24, they are they key, really, in the developing world, as well as in the whole world, to the future of humanity. And if girls are in trouble because they face systematic disadvantages that keep them where society wants them to be, including lack of access to healthcare, education, healthy foods, labor force participation. The burden of all the household tasks usually falls on girls and younger siblings. Which ensures that they will never overcome these barriers.

The state of girls, the condition of girls, will, in my belief, and that's the girl inside us and the girl in the world, determine whether the species survives. And what I want to suggest is that, having talked to girls, because I just finished a new book called "I Am an Emotional Creature: The Secret Life of Girls Around the World," I've been talking to girls for five years, and one of the things that I've seen is true everywhere is that the verb that's been enforced on girl is the verb "to please." Girls are trained to please. I want to change the verb. I want us all to change the verb. I want the verb to be "educate" or "activate" or "engage" or "confront" or "defy" or "create." If we teach girls to change the verb we will actually enforce the girl inside us and the girl inside them.

And I have to now share a few stories of girls I've seen across the planet who have engaged their girl, who have taken on their girl in spite of all the circumstances around them. I know a 14 year old girl in the Netherlands, for example, who is demanding that she take a boat and go around the entire world by herself.

There is a teenage girl who just recently went out and knew that she needed 56 stars tattooed on the right side of her face.

There is a girl, Julia Butterfly Hill, who lived for a year in a tree because she wanted to protect the wild oaks.

There is a girl who I met 14 years ago in Afghanistan who I have adopted as my daughter because her mother was killed. Her mother was a revolutionary. And this girl, when she was 17 years old wore a burqa in Afghanistan, and went into the stadiums and documented the atrocities that were going on towards women, underneath her burqa, with a video. And that video became the video that went out all over the world after 9/11 to show what was going on in Afghanistan.

I want to talk about Rachel Corrie who was in her teens when she stood in front of an Israeli tank to say "end the occupation." And she knew she risked death and she was literally gunned down and rolled over by that tank.

And I want to talk about a girl that I just met recently in Bukavu, who was impregnated by her rapist. And she was holding her baby. And I asked her if she loved her baby. And she looked into her baby's eyes and she said, "Of course I love my baby. How could I not love my baby? It's my baby and it's full of love."

The capacity for girls to overcome situations and to move on levels, to me, is mind-blowing. And there is a girl named Dorcas. And I just met her in Kenya. And Dorcas is 15 years old And she was trained in self-defense. And a few months ago she was picked up on the street by three older men. They kidnapped her, they put her in a car. And through her self defense, she grabbed their Adam's apples, she punched them in the eyes, and she got herself free and out of the car.

In Kenya, in August I went to visit one of the V-Day safe houses for girls, a house we opened seven years ago with an amazing woman named Agnes Pareyio. Agnes was a woman who was cut when she was a little girl, she was female genitally mutilated. And she made a decision as many women do, across this planet, that what was done to her would not be enforced and done to other women and girls.

So, for years Agnes walked through the Rift valley. She taught girls what a healthy vagina looked like, and what a mutilated vagina looked like. And in that time she saved many girls. And when we met her we asked her what we could do for her, and she said, "Well, if you got me a Jeep I could get around a lot faster." So, we got her a Jeep. And then she saved 4,500 girls.

And then we asked her, "Okay, what else do you need?" And she said, "Well, now, I need a house." So, seven years ago Agnes built the first V-Day safe house in Narok, Kenya, in the Masai land. And it was a house where girls could run away, they could save their clitoris, they wouldn't be cut, they could go to school. And in the years that Agnes has had the house she has changed the situation there. She has literally become deputy mayor. She has changed the rules. The whole community has bought in to what she's doing.

When we were there she was doing a ritual, where she reconciles girls who have run away, with their families. And there was a young girl named Jaclyn. Jaclyn was 14 years old and she was in her Masai family and there is a drought in Kenya. And so cows are dying, and cows are the most valuable possession. And Jaclyn overheard her father talking to an old man about how he was about to sell her for the cows. And she knew that meant she would be cut. She knew that meant she wouldn't go to school. She knew that meant she wouldn't have a future. She knew she would have to marry that old man, and she was 14.

So, one afternoon, she'd heard about the safe house, Jaclyn left her father's house and she walked for two days, two days through Masai land. She slept with the hyenas. She hid at night. She imagined her father killing her on one hand, and Mama Agnes greeting her, with the hope that she would greet her when she got to the house. And when she got to the house she was greeted. And Agnes took her in. And Agnes loved her. And Agnes supported her for the year. And she went to school and she found her voice and she found her identity and she found her heart.

And then, her time was ready when she had to go back to talk to her father about the reconciliation, after a year. And I had the privilege of being in the hut when she was reunited with her father and reconciled. And in that hut, we walked in, and her father and his four wives were sitting there, and her sisters who had just returned because they had all fled when she had fled, and her primary mother, who had been beaten in standing up for her with the elders. And when her father saw her and saw who she had become, in her full girl self, he threw his arms around her and broke down crying. And he said, "You are beautiful. You have grown into a gorgeous woman. We will not cut you. And I give you my word, here and now, that we will not cut your sisters either."

And what she said to him was, "You were willing to sell me for four cows and a calf, and some blankets. But I promise you, now that I will be educated I will always take care of you, and I will come back and I will build you a house. And I will be in your corner for the rest of your life."

For me, that is the power of girls. And that is the power of transformation. I want to close today with a new piece from my book. And I want to do it tonight for the girl in everybody here. And I want to do it for Sunitha. And I want to do it for the girls that Sunitha talked about yesterday, the girls who survive, the girls who can become somebody else. But I really want to do it for each and every person here, to value the girl in us, to value the part that cries, to value the part that's emotional, to value the part that's vulnerable, to understand that's where the future lies.

This is called "I'm An Emotional Creature." And it happened because I met a girl in Watts L.A. I was asking girls if they liked being a girl, and all the girls were like, "No, I hate it. I can't stand it. It's all bad. My brothers get everything." And this girl just sat up and went, "I love being a girl. I'm an emotional creature!" (Laughter) This is for her:

I love being a girl. I can feel what you're feeling as you're feeling inside the feeling before. I am an emotional creature. Things do not come to me as intellectual theories or hard-pressed ideas. They pulse through my organs and legs and burn up my ears. Oh, I know when your girlfriend is really pissed off, even though she appears to give you what you want. I know when a storm is coming. I can feel the invisible stirrings in the air. I can tell you he won't call back. It's a vibe I share.

I am an emotional creature. I love that I do not take things lightly. Everything is intense to me, the way I walk in the street, the way my momma wakes me up, the way it's unbearable when I lose, the way I hear bad news.

I am an emotional creature. I am connected to everything and every one. I was born like that. Don't you say all negative that it's only only a teenage thing, or it's only because I'm a girl. These feelings make me better. They make me present. They make me ready. They make me strong.

I am an emotional creature. There is a particular way of knowing, It's like the older women somehow forgot. I rejoice that it's still in my body. Oh, I know when the coconut is about to fall. I know we have pushed the Earth too far. I know my father isn't coming back, and that no one is prepared for the fire. I know that lipstick means more than show, and boys are super insecure, and so-called terrorists are made, not born. I know that one kiss could take away all my decision making ability. (Laughter) And you know what? Sometimes it should. This is not extreme. It's a girl thing, what we would all be if the big door inside us flew open.

Don't tell me not to cry, to calm it down, not to be so extreme, to be reasonable. I am an emotional creature. It's how the earth got made, how the wind continues to pollinate. You don't tell the Atlantic Ocean to behave. I am an emotional creature. Why would you want to shut me down or turn me off? I am your remaining memory. I can take you back. Nothing has been diluted. Nothing's leaked out. I love, hear me, I love that I can feel the feelings inside you, even if they stop my life, even if they break my heart, even if they take me off track, they make me responsible.

I am an emotional, I am an emotional incondotional, devotional creature. And I love, hear me, I love love love being a girl. Can you say it with me? I love, I love, love, love being a girl! Thank you very much.

为什么爱情是世界上最让人成瘾的东西？

The Brain In Love

为什么我们渴望的爱这么多，甚至到了会为爱而死的地步？要了解我们最为真实和实际的浪漫爱情，人类学家海伦·费舍尔(Helen Fisher)和她的研究小组对陷入爱河与失恋阵线联盟的人们做了核磁共振。他们发现了什么新大陆呢?

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I and my colleagues Art Aron and Lucy Brown and others, have put 37 people who are madly in loveinto a functional MRI brain scanner. 17 who were happily in love, 15 who had just been dumped, and we're just starting our third experiment: studying people who report that they're still in love after 10 to 25 years of marriage. So, this is the short story of that research.

In the jungles of Guatemala, in Tikal, stands a temple. It was built by the grandest Sun King, of the grandest city-state, of the grandest civilization of the Americas, the Mayas. His name was Jasaw Chan K'awiil. He stood over six feet tall. He lived into his 80s, and he was buried beneath this monument in 720 AD. And Mayan inscriptions proclaim that he was deeply in love with his wife. So, he built a temple in her honor, facing his. And every spring and autumn, exactly at the equinox, the sun rises behind his temple, and perfectly bathes her temple with his shadow. And as the sun sets behind her temple in the afternoon, it perfectly bathes his temple with her shadow. After 1,300 years, these two lovers still touch and kiss from their tomb.

Around the world, people love. They sing for love, they dance for love, they compose poems and stories about love. They tell myths and legends about love. They pine for love, they live for love, they kill for love, and they die for love. As Walt Whitman once said, he said, "Oh, I would stake all for you."Anthropologists have found evidence of romantic love in 170 societies. They've never found a society that did not have it.

marriage. So, this is the short story of that research.

But love isn't always a happy experience. In one study of college students, they asked a lot of questions about love, but the two that stood out to me the most were, "Have you ever been rejected by somebody who you really loved?" And the second question was, "Have you ever dumped somebody who really loved you?" And almost 95 percent of both men and women said yes to both. Almost nobody gets out of love alive.

So, before I start telling you about the brain, I want to read for you what I think is the most powerful love poem on Earth. There's other love poems that are, of course, just as good, but I don't think this one can be surpassed. It was told by an anonymous Kwakiutl Indian of southern Alaska to a missionary in 1896, and here it is. I've never had the opportunity to say it before. "Fire runs through my body with the pain of loving you. Pain runs through my body with the fires of my love for you. Pain like a boil about to burst with my love for you, consumed by fire with my love for you. I remember what you said to me. I am thinking of your love for me. I am torn by your love for me. Pain and more pain -- where are you going with my love? I am told you will go from here. I am told you will leave me here. My body is numb with grief. Remember what I said, my love. Goodbye, my love, goodbye." Emily Dickinson once wrote,"Parting is all we need to know of hell." How many people have suffered in all the millions of years of human evolution? How many people around the world are dancing with elation at this very minute?Romantic love is one of the most powerful sensations on Earth.

So, several years ago, I decided to look into the brain and study this madness. Our first study of people who were happily in love has been widely publicized, so I'm only going to say a very little about it. We found activity in a tiny, little factory near the base of the brain called the ventral tegmental area. We found activity in some cells called the A10 cells, cells that actually make dopamine, a natural stimulant,and spray it to many brain regions. Indeed, this part, the VTA, is part of the brain's reward system. It's way below your cognitive thinking process. It's below your emotions. It's part of what we call the reptilian core of the brain, associated with wanting, with motivation, with focus and with craving. In fact, the same brain region where we found activity becomes active also when you feel the rush of cocaine.

But romantic love is much more than a cocaine high -- at least you come down from cocaine.Romantic love is an obsession. It possesses you. You lose your sense of self. You can't stop thinking about another human being. Somebody is camping in your head. As an eighth-century Japanese poet said, "My longing had no time when it ceases." Wild is love. And the obsession can get worse when you've been rejected.

So, right now, Lucy Brown and I, the neuroscientist on our project, are looking at the data of the peoplewho were put into the machine after they had just been dumped. It was very difficult actually, putting these people in the machine, because they were in such bad shape. (Laughter) So anyway, we found activity in three brain regions. We found activity in the brain region, in exactly the same brain regionassociated with intense romantic love. What a bad deal. You know, when you've been dumped, the one thing you love to do is just forget about this human being, and then go on with your life -- but no, you just love them harder. As the poet Terence, the Roman poet once said, he said, "The less my hope, the hotter my love." And indeed, we now know why. Two thousand years later, we can explain this in the brain. That brain system -- the reward system for wanting, for motivation, for craving, for focus --becomes more active when you can't get what you want. In this case, life's greatest prize: an appropriate mating partner.

We found activity in other brain regions also -- in a brain region associated with calculating gains and losses. You know, you're lying there, you're looking at the picture, and you're in this machine, and you're calculating, you know, what went wrong. How, you know, what have I lost? As a matter of fact, Lucy and I have a little joke about this. It comes from a David Mamet play, and there's two con artists in the play, and the woman is conning the man, and the man looks at the woman and says, "Oh, you're a bad pony, I'm not going to bet on you." And indeed, it's this part of the brain, the core of the nucleus accumbens, actually, that is becoming active as you're measuring your gains and losses. It's also the brain region that becomes active when you're willing to take enormous risks for huge gains and huge losses.

Last but not least, we found activity in a brain region associated with deep attachment to another individual. No wonder people suffer around the world, and we have so many crimes of passion. When you've been rejected in love, not only are you engulfed with feelings of romantic love, but you're feeling deep attachment to this individual. Moreover, this brain circuit for reward is working, and you're feeling intense energy, intense focus, intense motivation and the willingness to risk it all to win life's greatest prize.

7:56So, what have I learned from this experiment that I would like to tell the world? Foremost, I have come to think that romantic love is a drive, a basic mating drive. Not the sex drive -- the sex drive gets you out there, looking for a whole range of partners. Romantic love enables you to focus your mating energy on just one at a time, conserve your mating energy, and start the mating process with this single individual.I think of all the poetry that I've read about romantic love, what sums it up best is something that is said by Plato, over 2,000 years ago. He said, "The god of love lives in a state of need. It is a need. It is an urge. It is a homeostatic imbalance. Like hunger and thirst, it's almost impossible to stamp out." I've also come to believe that romantic love is an addiction: a perfectly wonderful addiction when it's going well, and a perfectly horrible addiction when it's going poorly.

And indeed, it has all of the characteristics of addiction. You focus on the person, you obsessively think about them, you crave them, you distort reality, your willingness to take enormous risks to win this person. And it's got the three main characteristics of addiction: tolerance, you need to see them more, and more, and more; withdrawals; and last, relapse. I've got a girlfriend who's just getting over a terrible love affair. It's been about eight months, she's beginning to feel better. And she was driving along in her car the other day, and suddenly she heard a song on the car radio that reminded her of this man. And she -- not only did the instant craving come back, but she had to pull over from the side of the road and cry. So, one thing I would like the medical community, and the legal community, and even the college community, to see if they can understand, that indeed, romantic love is one of the most addictive substances on Earth.

I would also like to tell the world that animals love. There's not an animal on this planet that will copulate with anything that comes along. Too old, too young, too scruffy, too stupid, and they won't do it. Unless you're stuck in a laboratory cage -- and you know, if you spend your entire life in a little box,you're not going to be as picky about who you have sex with -- but I've looked in a hundred species,and everywhere in the wild, animals have favorites. As a matter of fact ethologists know this. There are over eight words for what they call "animal favoritism:" selective proceptivity, mate choice, female choice, sexual choice. And indeed, there are now three academic articles in which they've looked at this attraction, which may only last for a second, but it's a definite attraction, and either this same brain region, this reward system, or the chemicals of that reward system are involved. In fact, I think animal attraction can be instant -- you can see an elephant instantly go for another elephant. And I think that this is really the origin of what you and I call "love at first sight."

People have often asked me whether what I know about love has spoiled it for me. And I just simply say, "Hardly." You can know every single ingredient in a piece of chocolate cake, and then when you sit down and eat that cake, you can still feel that joy. And certainly, I make all the same mistakes that everybody else does too, but it's really deepened my understanding and compassion, really, for all human life. As a matter of fact, in New York, I often catch myself looking in baby carriages and feeling a little sorry for the tot. And in fact, sometimes I feel a little sorry for the chicken on my dinner plate,when I think of how intense this brain system is. Our newest experiment has been hatched by my colleague, Art Aron -- putting people who are reporting that they are still in love, in a long-term relationship, into the functional MRI. We've put five people in so far, and indeed, we found exactly the same thing. They're not lying. The brain areas associated with intense romantic love still become active, 25 years later.

There are still many questions to be answered and asked about romantic love. The question that I'm working on right this minute -- and I'm only going to say it for a second, and then end -- is, why do you fall in love with one person, rather than another? I never would have even thought to think of this, but Match.com, the Internet-dating site, came to me three years ago and asked me that question. And I said, I don't know. I know what happens in the brain, when you do become in love, but I don't know why you fall in love with one person rather than another. And so, I've spent the last three years on this.And there are many reasons that you fall in love with one person rather than another, that psychologists can tell you. And we tend to fall in love with somebody from the same socioeconomic background, the same general level of intelligence, the same general level of good looks, the same religious values.Your childhood certainly plays a role, but nobody knows how. And that's about it, that's all they know.No, they've never found the way two personalities fit together to make a good relationship.

So, it began to occur to me that maybe your biology pulls you towards some people rather than another. And I have concocted a questionnaire to see to what degree you express dopamine, serotonin, estrogen and testosterone. I think we've evolved four very broad personality typesassociated with the ratios of these four chemicals in the brain. And on this dating site that I have created, called Chemistry.com, I ask you first a series of questions to see to what degree you express these chemicals, and I'm watching who chooses who to love. And 3.7 million people have taken the questionnaire in America. About 600,000 people have taken it in 33 other countries. I'm putting the data together now, and at some point -- there will always be magic to love, but I think I will come closer to understanding why it is you can walk into a room and everybody is from your background, your same general level of intelligence, your same general level of good looks, and you don't feel pulled towards all of them. I think there's biology to that. I think we're going to end up, in the next few years, to understand all kinds of brain mechanisms that pull us to one person rather than another.

So, I will close with this. These are my older people. Faulkner once said, "The past is not dead, it's not even the past." Indeed, we carry a lot of luggage from our yesteryear in the human brain. And so, there's one thing that makes me pursue my understanding of human nature, and this reminds me of it.These are two women. Women tend to get intimacy differently than men do. Women get intimacy from face-to-face talking. We swivel towards each other, we do what we call the "anchoring gaze" and we talk. This is intimacy to women. I think it comes from millions of years of holding that baby in front of your face, cajoling it, reprimanding it, educating it with words. Men tend to get intimacy from side-by-side doing. (Laughter) As soon as one guy looks up, the other guy will look away. (Laughter) I think it comes from millions of years of standing behind that -- sitting behind the bush, looking straight ahead,trying to hit that buffalo on the head with a rock. (Laughter) I think, for millions of years, men faced their enemies, they sat side by side with friends. So my final statement is: love is in us. It's deeply embedded in the brain. Our challenge is to understand each other. Thank you.

这才是爱情应有的样子

A better way to talk about love

谈论爱情时，大家最常用到的词语往往有“坠入爱河”，“神魂颠倒”，“茶不思饭不想”，“相思成灾”，“情难自控”“痛并快乐着”等等，我们是否想过这些词语是否给了我们一些负面的心理暗示,让很多人从中误解和曲解了爱情感受和含义呢？我们是否能有更好的词语或比喻来谈论爱情呢？

和大家分享一种更好的方式来谈论爱情，让我们听Mandy Len Catron女士在TED舞台上分享的一种更好的方式来谈论爱情，让爱情回归其应有的样子。

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OK, so today I want to talk about how we talk about love. And specifically, I want to talk about what's wrong with how we talk about love.

Most of us will probably fall in love a few times over the course of our lives, and in the English language, this metaphor, falling, is really the main way that we talk about that experience. I don't know about you, but when I conceptualize this metaphor, what I picture is straight out of a cartoon — like there's a man, he's walking down the sidewalk, without realizing it, he crosses over an open manhole, and he just plummets into the sewer below. And I picture it this way because falling is not jumping. Falling is accidental, it's uncontrollable. It's something that happens to us without our consent. And this — this is the main way we talk about starting a new relationship.

I am a writer and I'm also an English teacher, which means I think about words for a living. You could say that I get paid to argue that the language we use matters, and I would like to argue that many of the metaphors we use to talk about love — maybe even most of them — are a problem.

So, in love, we fall. We're struck. We are crushed. We swoon. We burn with passion. Love makes us crazy, and it makes us sick. Our hearts ache, and then they break. So our metaphors equate the experience of loving someone to extreme violence or illness.

They do. And they position us as the victims of unforeseen and totally unavoidable circumstances.My favorite one of these is "smitten," which is the past participle of the word "smite." And if you look this word up in the dictionary —

you will see that it can be defined as both "grievous affliction," and, "to be very much in love." I tend to associate the word "smite" with a very particular context, which is the Old Testament. In the Book of Exodus alone, there are 16 references to smiting, which is the word that the Bible uses for the vengeance of an angry God.

(Laughter)

Here we are using the same word to talk about love that we use to explain a plague of locusts.

Right?

So, how did this happen? How have we come to associate love with great pain and suffering?And why do we talk about this ostensibly good experience as if we are victims? These are difficult questions, but I have some theories. And to think this through, I want to focus on one metaphor in particular, which is the idea of love as madness.

When I first started researching romantic love, I found these madness metaphors everywhere. The history of Western culture is full of language that equates love to mental illness. These are just a few examples. William Shakespeare: "Love is merely a madness," from "As You Like It."Friedrich Nietzsche: "There is always some madness in love." "Got me looking, got me looking so crazy in love — "

from the great philosopher, Beyoncé Knowles.

I fell in love for the first time when I was 20, and it was a pretty turbulent relationship right from the start. And it was long distance for the first couple of years, so for me that meant very high highs and very low lows. I can remember one moment in particular. I was sitting on a bed in a hostel in South America, and I was watching the person I love walk out the door. And it was late, it was nearly midnight, we'd gotten into an argument over dinner, and when we got back to our room, he threw his things in the bag and stormed out. While I can no longer remember what that argument was about, I very clearly remember how I felt watching him leave.

I was 22, it was my first time in the developing world, and I was totally alone. I had another week until my flight home, and I knew the name of the town that I was in, and the name of the city that I needed to get to to fly out, but I had no idea how to get around. I had no guidebook and very little money, and I spoke no Spanish.

Someone more adventurous than me might have seen this as a moment of opportunity, but I just froze. I just sat there. And then I burst into tears. But despite my panic, some small voice in my head thought, "Wow. That was dramatic. I must really be doing this love thing right."

Because some part of me wanted to feel miserable in love. And it sounds so strange to me now, but at 22, I longed to have dramatic experiences, and in that moment, I was irrational and furious and devastated, and weirdly enough, I thought that this somehow legitimized the feelings I had for the guy who had just left me.

I think on some level I wanted to feel a little bit crazy, because I thought that that was how loved worked. This really should not be surprising, considering that according to Wikipedia, there are eight films, 14 songs, two albums and one novel with the title "Crazy Love."

About half an hour later, he came back to our room. We made up. We spent another mostly happy week traveling together. And then, when I got home, I thought, "That was so terrible and so great.This must be a real romance." I expected my first love to feel like madness, and of course, it met that expectation very well. But loving someone like that — as if my entire well-being depended on him loving me back — was not very good for me or for him.

But I suspect this experience of love is not that unusual. Most of us do feel a bit mad in the early stages of romantic love. In fact, there is research to confirm that this is somewhat normal,because, neurochemically speaking, romantic love and mental illness are not that easily distinguished. This is true.

This study from 1999 used blood tests to confirm that the serotonin levels of the newly in love very closely resembled the serotonin levels of people who had been diagnosed with obsessive-compulsive disorder.

Yes, and low levels of serotonin are also associated with seasonal affective disorder and depression. So there is some evidence that love is associated with changes to our moods and our behaviors. And there are other studies to confirm that most relationships begin this way.

Researchers believe that the low levels of serotonin is correlated with obsessive thinking about the object of love, which is like this feeling that someone has set up camp in your brain. And most of us feel this way when we first fall in love. But the good news is, it doesn't always last that long —usually from a few months to a couple of years.

8:04When I got back from my trip to South America, I spent a lot of time alone in my room,checking my email, desperate to hear from the guy I loved. I decided that if my friends could not understand my grievous affliction, then I did not need their friendship. So I stopped hanging out with most of them. And it was probably the most unhappy year of my life. But I think I felt like it was my job to be miserable, because if I could be miserable, then I would prove how much I loved him.And if I could prove it, then we would have to end up together eventually.

This is the real madness, because there is no cosmic rule that says that great suffering equals great reward, but we talk about love as if this is true.

Our experiences of love are both biological and cultural. Our biology tells us that love is good by activating these reward circuits in our brain, and it tells us that love is painful when, after a fight or a breakup, that neurochemical reward is withdrawn. And in fact — and maybe you've heard this —neurochemically speaking, going through a breakup is a lot like going through cocaine withdrawal,which I find reassuring.

And then our culture uses language to shape and reinforce these ideas about love. In this case, we're talking about metaphors about pain and addiction and madness. It's kind of an interesting feedback loop. Love is powerful and at times painful, and we express this in our words and stories, but then our words and stories prime us to expect love to be powerful and painful.

What's interesting to me is that all of this happens in a culture that values lifelong monogamy. It seems like we want it both ways: we want love to feel like madness, and we want it to last an entire lifetime. That sounds terrible.

To reconcile this, we need to either change our culture or change our expectations. So, imagine if we were all less passive in love. If we were more assertive, more open-minded, more generousand instead of falling in love, we stepped into love. I know that this is asking a lot, but I'm not actually the first person to suggest this. In their book, "Metaphors We Live By," linguists Mark Johnson and George Lakoff suggest a really interesting solution to this dilemma, which is to change our metaphors. They argue that metaphors really do shape the way we experience the world, and that they can even act as a guide for future actions, like self-fulfilling prophecies.

Johnson and Lakoff suggest a new metaphor for love: love as a collaborative work of art. I really like this way of thinking about love. Linguists talk about metaphors as having entailments, which is essentially a way of considering all the implications of, or ideas contained within, a given metaphor. And Johnson and Lakoff talk about everything that collaborating on a work of art entails: effort, compromise, patience, shared goals. These ideas align nicely with our cultural investment in long-term romantic commitment, but they also work well for other kinds of relationships — short-term, casual, polyamorous, non-monogamous, asexual — because this metaphor brings much more complex ideas to the experience of loving someone.

12:03So if love is a collaborative work of art, then love is an aesthetic experience. Love is unpredictable, love is creative, love requires communication and discipline, it is frustrating and emotionally demanding. And love involves both joy and pain. Ultimately, each experience of love is different.

When I was younger, it never occurred to me that I was allowed to demand more from love, that I didn't have to just accept whatever love offered. When 14-year-old Juliet first meets — or, when 14-year-old Juliet cannot be with Romeo, whom she has met four days ago, she does not feel disappointed or angsty. Where is she? She wants to die. Right? And just as a refresher, at this point in the play, act three of five, Romeo is not dead. He's alive, he's healthy, he's just been banished from the city. I understand that 16th-century Verona is unlike contemporary North America, and yet when I first read this play, also at age 14, Juliet's suffering made sense to me.

Reframing love as something I get to create with someone I admire, rather than something that just happens to me without my control or consent, is empowering. It's still hard. Love still feels totally maddening and crushing some days, and when I feel really frustrated, I have to remind myself: my job in this relationship is to talk to my partner about what I want to make together. This isn't easy, either. But it's just so much better than the alternative, which is that thing that feels like madness.

This version of love is not about winning or losing someone's affection. Instead, it requires that you trust your partner and talk about things when trusting feels difficult, which sounds so simple, but is actually a kind of revolutionary, radical act. This is because you get to stop thinking about yourselfand what you're gaining or losing in your relationship, and you get to start thinking about what you have to offer. This version of love allows us to say things like, "Hey, we're not very good collaborators. Maybe this isn't for us." Or, "That relationship was shorter than I had planned, but it was still kind of beautiful."

The beautiful thing about the collaborative work of art is that it will not paint or draw or sculpt itself.This version of love allows us to decide what it looks like.

Thank you.

从额头到指尖，暂时还没有

比你更美好的事物

三千青丝，每一根都是我的

和大海比荡漾，你显然更胜一筹

亲，我爱你腹部的十万亩玫瑰

也爱你舌尖上小剂量的毒

百合不在的时辰

我就是暮色里的那个村庄

而孤独，不过是个只会摇着

波浪鼓的小小货郎

我喜欢这命中注定的相遇