TED | （名）人为什么会出轨？- 美国情感理疗师Esther Perel带你深刻探讨人类出轨行为

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昨天，“白百何出轨”的消息刷爆了中国的社交网络！出轨队又得一分！那么，为什么会有人出轨？出轨又意味着什么呢？为何快乐的人也会有外遇？

情感理疗师Esther Perel对人类出轨行为进行深刻的探讨，我们来听一听：

https://v.qq.com/txp/iframe/player.html?vid=q0321ipr31s&width=500&height=375&auto=0

摘录专家的一些观点：

▷I like this definition of an affair -- it brings together the three key elements: a secretive relationship, which is the core structure of an affair; an emotional connection to one degree or another; and a sexual alchemy.

我倾向于这样来定义婚外情， 它包含三个要素： 首先是遮遮掩掩的关系， 这是婚外情的核心； 二是拥有某种程度上的感情联系； 三是性幻想。

▷But we also have never been more inclined to stray, and not because we have new desires today, but because we live in an era where we feel that we are entitled to pursue our desires, because this is the culture where I deserve to be happy.

我们比以前也更容易出轨，并不是因为我们有了新的欲望，而是我们现在所处的时代，让我们觉得有权利去追求自己的欲望，这就是我们的文化特点：我有权快乐。

▷And if we used to divorce because we were unhappy, today we divorce because we could be happier. And if divorce carried all the shame, today, choosing to stay when you can leave is the new shame. 

如果过去离婚是因为我们不快乐，那现在离婚是因为我们可以更快乐。如果在过去，离婚是不光彩的，那今天，能离婚而不离婚，才是不光彩。

▷Contrary to what you may think, affairs are way less about sex, and a lot more about desire: desire for attention, desire to feel special, desire to feel important. And the very structure of an affair, the fact that you can never have your lover, keeps you wanting. That in itself is a desire machine, because the incompleteness, the ambiguity, keeps you wanting that which you can't have.

可能与你们想的恰恰相反， 婚外情跟性的关系更小，却与渴望密切相关： 渴望被关注，渴望重拾信心，渴望被人需要。婚外情的显著特点，就是你无法完全拥有你的情人，这让你欲罢不能。 就像有一台欲望机器在不断驱动你，种种不完整，种种暧昧不清，让你对得不到的东西念念不忘。 

▷Some affairs are death knells for relationships that were already dying on the vine. But others will jolt us into new possibilities. The fact is, the majority of couples who have experienced affairs stay together. But some of them will merely survive, and others will actually be able to turn a crisis into an opportunity. 

有些婚外情只不过是压死婚姻的最后一根稻草。 而另一些却让婚姻有了新的可能。 实际上，大部分经历了婚外情的夫妻最后仍然在一起。只不过有的人精疲力尽，有的人则将危机转化为机遇。

▷I've noticed that a lot of couples, in the immediate aftermath of an affair, because of this new disorder that may actually lead to a new order, will have depths of conversations with honesty and openness that they haven't had in decades.

我注意到，很多夫妻在婚外情曝光之后，由于局面混乱，可能会产生新的家庭秩序，他们往往会进行开诚布公的深入交流，这种交流可能几十年都未曾有过。 

▷Every affair will redefine a relationship, and every couple will determine what the legacy of the affair will be. But affairs are here to stay, and they're not going away. And the dilemmas of love and desire, they don't yield just simple answers of black and white and good and bad, and victim and perpetrator.

每一场婚外情都会重新定义一段婚姻， 每一对夫妻都将经历婚外情给他们带来的影响。 但婚外情不会消失， 它将一直存在。 关于爱和欲望的困境， 不能简单地划分黑白和对错， 区分受害者和罪犯。

▷Betrayal in a relationship comes in many forms. There are many ways that we betray our partner: with contempt, with neglect, with indifference, with violence. Sexual betrayal is only one way to hurt a partner. In other words, the victim of an affair is not always the victim of the marriage.

一段婚姻中的背叛可以有很多种形式。 我们背叛伴侣的方式很多： 藐视，忽视， 冷漠，暴力。 （肉体）出轨只是伤害伴侣的方式之一。 换句话说，婚外情的受害者 并不一定是婚姻的受害者。 

▷I look at affairs from a dual perspective: hurt and betrayal on one side, growth and self-discovery on the other -- what it did to you, and what it meant for me.

我将婚外情一分为二来看：一方面是伤害和背叛，另一方面是成长和自我发现。婚外情给你带来了什么，对我又意味着什么。

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