说出你的心事丨内疚，无需一直背负前行
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老桑说
如果你的内心感到受伤，也许是时候做点什么了。这里有一些建议可以帮助你决定该做什么。
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「 朋友，你好，我是老桑。」
几个星期前，我注意到车门上有个小凹痕。那是在乘客的那一侧，我不太经常看到这样的情况，所以我不知道我的车是什么时候受到伤害的。我没想太多，只是想下次到修车厂的时候，我要把它修好。修理起来可能不会太贵。
就在几天前，我的一个邻居告诉我，是他把我的车撞凹了。那天天气很热，当时他从杂货店匆匆赶回来，打开车门时有些粗心，因为他打算在易腐烂的东西变质之前把它们放进冰箱。他向我道歉，并有点胆怯地表示愿意付修理费。
我告诉他不要担心，因为为了邻里友好，我打算自己承担这笔费用。其实我只是认为当时没必要去算一个估价，再和他讨论，让他给我钱。邻居们需要互相支持，我相信有一天也许自己会有求于他。
这是一个奇怪的情况，其实我之前就注意到这个邻居在前几天变得更加疏远。如果我在街上遇到他，他只是匆匆打个招呼，低下头，继续往前走。有一天，他从远处看见我，马上换了另一条路，以为我不会注意到。我认为这是一种奇怪的aberration（反常现象），但我想他一定有什么事。
在他坦白之后，我告诉他我真的不在乎，之后他的态度和行为语言都发生了变化。那个小小的过失一定一直在折磨着他。也许他以为我怀疑 他做了那件事，但他表面上想要去避免正面confrontation（冲突）。当他终于坦白时，他一定感到如释重负。
我曾经用过一台运行速度很慢的办公室电脑。我按ctrl + alt + delete打开任务管理器，发现有许多程序在运行，其中一些程序是隐藏的。我相继关掉了当时不需要的程序，之后电脑开始运行得更有效率了。
就像后台程序会让电脑慢下来一样，心中的内疚感也会让你整个容“慢”下来。你的良心是思想的一部分，它告诉你所做的是对还是错。如果你有负罪感，就会因为做了错事而感到内疚。这是一场在你脑海中展开的战斗。
内疚会影响你的睡眠，导致夜晚睡眠不佳。这里有一句经典的中国俗语：“平生不做亏心事，半夜不怕鬼敲门。”美国发明家本杰明·富兰克林说过另一个类似的格言：“平静的良心能在雷声中入睡，而安宁和负罪则无法毗邻。”若想内心宁静地休息，我们必须问心无愧。
有很多原因我们可能不想告诉别人我们对他们做错了什么。我们担心自己可能会让他们失望，因为我们无法控制他们对自己所提供的信息的反应。我们可能也会担心后果，尤其是在涉及成本的情况下。当然，我们可能害怕丢脸，害怕失去别人的尊重。
我的邻居承认，他害怕承认自己的行为，因为他注意到我的车的那一侧也有scrape（剐蹭）。不过，我知道那里是怎么造成的，毕竟此前我也曾不小心碰到过离车道很近的一个停车场里的一个标志。他担心我会和车身修理厂协商后，把两处刮擦都修好，但费用由他承担。
如果我想做不道德的事，我本可以错误地向我的邻居收取修理费，而他永远也不会知道。但是，那样的话，我就冤枉了他，那样我就得活在内疚中了！迟早，我将不得不主动承认，把造成损失的correspond（相应）金额退还给他。短期来看这可能是精明的，但不值得。
最后，我很高兴能弄清事情的真相，他也是如此。后来就把“痛苦的事实”告诉了我，而我们的友谊又恢复了正常。如果他继续说“最甜蜜的谎言”，我们的友谊就会受到伤害，不是因为我知道他的行为，而是因为他觉得自己不配得到我的尊重，内疚让他无法直视我的眼睛。
在另一个例子中，一个朋友有一次在生日聚会上借了一些折叠椅。晚会结束后，她把四把椅子中的三把还了回去。她说:“我很抱歉。其中一个坏了，所以我不得不把它扔了。我该怎么补偿你呢?“由于是旧椅子，配套的那把坏掉的椅子是无法更换的。
我说:“没关系。别担心。有人受伤吗?”但重要的是，我的邻居为这次mishap（事故）承担了责任，向我道歉，并提出补救措施。我宁愿知道“苦涩”的真相，也不愿知道她为什么不还椅子的“甜蜜”谎言。几年后，我把椅子捐给了慈善机构，因为我很少使用它们。没有伤害，没有纠结。
圣约翰·克里索斯托姆
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“小事虽小，所信若内住其中，实则伟大事矣。”——圣约翰·克里索斯托姆
”如果你的内心感到受伤，也许是时候做点什么了。也许有人冤枉了你，你想向他们表达你的不满。或者你伤害了别人，但没有坦白。为了帮助关闭那些让你慢下来的不需要的计算机程序，这里有一些建议可以帮助你决定该做什么。
Honesty is the best policy
当你有心思考到何时何地传达坏消息时，你会因诚实而获得与表示尊重。如果你是真诚的，但另一个人终止了这段关系，那么这段关系可能不值得拥有。有时候这就是做正确事情的代价。在自己的经历中，我发现这是非常正确的。
Get some advice
你可以咨询其他人，以确保你获得正确的指导意见。一个值得信赖的朋友或亲戚可以帮助你评估情况，并帮助你想出一个行动方案。根据具体情况，你也可以咨询律师或顾问，他们的专业职责是维护客户的信心，帮助你制定解决方案。告解室的开导
03勇于坦白
Confess
有时候，事情发生得太久，可能已经不值一提了。例如，一位朋友曾经承认，他在20多年前撞了邻居的猫，现在仍然对此感到非常难过。那个邻居已经去世了，要找到他的亲戚可能还需要广泛的寻找，而这些亲戚甚至可能不知道发生了什么。我为我朋友告诉我这件事而高兴，因为他多年来一直把这件事憋在心里。我让他想想，是否真的值得回到过去，试着去弥补。此时此地，一个选择是为一个宠物收容所提供捐赠来照顾被遗弃的动物。虽然他还在考虑该怎么做，但至少停止了自我批评的循环。
许多宗教有着悔改的传统。例如天主教的和好圣事就是信徒们向神父告解他们的罪过。教友说当他们在告解室说出了自己的罪过以后，感觉自己仿佛减重了50公斤一般。当我们得到宽恕和治愈后，就又会真正地快乐起来。
我的朋友，如果你因为曾经伤害过别人而感到沉重，现在也许是时候坦白了。内疚就像一个毫无用处的电脑程序，让你的大脑操作系统慢下来。如果你对该做什么犹豫不决，要知道诚实是最好的策略，得到一些建议，然后主动坦白。从长远来看，你永远不会后悔做了正确的事情。
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英文版
English
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Is something eating away at you?
Here's how to get it off your chest
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「 Hello, my friend！
I'm John Smagula. 」
And then just a few days ago, one of my neighbors told me he was the one who dented my car. He said it was a hot day, he had been in a rush coming back from the grocery store, and was careless in opening his car door in trying to get the perishable items into the refrigerator before they went bad. He apologized and somewhat timidly offered to pay for the repair.
I told him not to worry about it, as in the interest of neighborly harmony, I figured I’d just absorb the expense myself. It just wasn’t worth my going to get an estimate, discussing it with him, and then having him give me the cash. Neighbors need to support each other, and I’m sure there will be a day I’ll be calling upon his good services for something.
It was a curious situation, in that I noticed this neighbor had become more distant in the previous few days. If I passed him on the street, he just said a quick hello, looked down, and kept going. One day he saw me from a distance and went the other way, thinking I wouldn’t notice. I thought it was a strange aberration, but figured he had something going on.
After he made his confession and I told him I really don’t care, his whole attitude and body language changed. His transgression must have really been eating away at him. Perhaps he thought I suspected he did it but was playing dumb in order to avoid confrontation. When he finally came clean, he must have felt a great sense of relief.
I was once using an office computer that was running very slowly. I pressed ctrl + alt + delete to open the Task Manager and discovered that there were many programs running, some of which were hidden. One by one I shut down the programs I didn’t need at the moment, and the computer started running much more efficiently.
Like the background programs that were slowing that computer down, so can a guilty conscience slow you down. Your conscience is the part of your mind that tells you whether what you are doing is right or wrong. If you have a guilty conscience, you feel guilty about doing something because you know it was wrong. It’s a battle that plays out in your mind.
There are many reasons we may not want to tell the other person what we did wrong to them. We fear that we might upset them, as we can’t always control how they will react to the information we give them. We may also fear the consequences, especially if there is a cost involved. And of course, we may fear losing face, losing the respect of the other person.
My neighbor admitted that he feared telling me about his action because he noticed that I had another scrape on that side of the car. I knew about that scrape, though, as I had accidentally brushed up against a sign in a parking garage that was very close to the driveway. My neighbor feared I would work a deal with the body shop and get both things fixed at his expense.
Had I acted unethically, I could have wrongfully charged my neighbor for both repairs, and he would have never known. But then, I would have wronged him, and then I’d have to live with a guilty conscience! Sooner or later, I would have to come clean and refund him the amount that would have corresponded to the damage I caused. It might have been shrewd, but not worth it.
In the end, I was happy to get to the bottom of it, and so was he. He told me the “bitter truth,” and our friendship went back to normal. Had he perpetuated the “sweetest lie,” our friendship would have suffered, not because I was aware of his action, but because he felt unworthy of my respect and his guilty conscience prevented him from being able to look me straight in the eye.
In another example, a friend once borrowed some folding chairs for a birthday party. After the party was over, she returned three of the four chairs. She said, “I am so sorry. One of them broke, so I had to throw it out. What can I do to compensate you?” As they were old chairs, the damaged chair that was part of a matching set could not be replaced.
I said, “Nothing. Don’t worry about it. Was anybody hurt?” What matters is that my neighbor took responsibility for the mishap, apologized, and offered to remedy the situation. I’d rather know the “bitter” truth than the “sweetest” lie about why she didn’t return the chair. And a few years later, I donated the chairs to charity, as I rarely used them anyway. No harm, no foul.
St. John Chrysostom
”Faithfulness in the little things is a great thing.” –St. John Chrysostom
”If you have something festering inside of you, it may be time to do something about it. Perhaps someone wronged you, and you want to give them a piece of your mind. Or perhaps you harmed someone else but haven’t come clean. To help close those unneeded computer processes that are slowing you down, here are some tips to help you decide what to do.
01微配图
Honesty is the best policy
When you are considerate of when and where deliver the bad news, you will get and show respect for being honest. If you are being sincere, and the other person discontinues the relationship, then it’s probably not a relationship worth having. Sometimes that’s the price to pay for doing the right thing. I have found this to be very true in my own experience.
Confessional
Get some advice
You can consult with someone else to make sure you have the proper perspective. A trusted friend or relative can help you assess the situation and help you come up with a course of action. Depending on the situation, you can also consult with a lawyer or counselor who is professionally bound to maintain client confidences to assist you in crafting a solution.
Get it off your chest
Sometimes, things happened so long ago that it’s probably not worth bringing them up anymore. For example, a friend once confessed that he ran over a neighbor’s cat over 20 years ago and still feels horribly about it. That neighbor has since passed away, and it would take a pretty extensive search to find his relatives who may not even know this had happened.
I applauded my friend for telling me, as he had kept it stewing inside for years. I asked him to think about if it was really worth going back in time and trying to make amends. One option, in the here and now, is to donate to a pet shelter that cares for abandoned animals. He’s still thinking about what to do, but at least he stopped the cycle of self-criticism.
Confessional
My friend, if the burden of having wronged someone is weighing you down, now may be the time to come clean. A guilty conscience is like an unhelpful computer program slowing down your mental operating system. If you’re wavering on what to do, know that honesty is the best policy, get some advice, and confess. In the long-run, you’ll never regret doing the right thing.
{ 今日英文速记卡 }
1.Aberration \ ˌa-bə-ˈrā-shən \
a)含义：n. 异常现象
b)例句：
i.I thought it was a strange aberration, but figured he had something going on.
我认为这是一种奇怪的反常现象，但我想他一定有什么事。
ii.These events were aberrations from the norm.
这些事件不合常规。
c)近义词：abnormality, anomaly, exception
2.Confrontation
\ ˌkän-(ˌ)frən-ˈtā-shən \
a)含义：n. 对抗
b)例句：
i.Perhaps he thought I suspected he did it but was playing dumb in order to avoid confrontation.
也许他以为我怀疑他做了那件事，但他表面上想要去避免正面冲突。
ii.It was a confrontation between life and death.
这是生命与死亡之间的一次对抗。
c)近义词：battle, combat, conflict
3.Scrape \ ˈskrāp \
a)含义：n. 擦痕；刮掉
b)例句：
i.My neighbor admitted that he feared telling me about his action because he noticed that I had another scrape on that side of the car.
我的邻居承认，他害怕承认自己的行为，因为他注意到我的车的那一侧也有剐蹭。
ii.She emerged from the overturned car with only a few scrapes and bruises.
她从翻了的车里钻出来，只擦破一点皮，碰了几块淤青。
c)近义词：abrasion, bruise, graze
4.Correspond \ ˌkȯr-ə-ˈspänd \
a)含义：v. 符合；相应；一致
b)例句：
i.Sooner or later, I would have to come clean and refund him the amount that would have corresponded to the damage I caused.
迟早，我将不得不主动承认，把造成损失的相应金额退还给他。
ii.The two correspond but are not one.
这二者相符合却不是同一件东西。
c)近义词：accord, coincide, conform
5.Mishap \ ˈmis-ˌhap \
a)含义：v. 灾祸；不幸
b)例句：
i.What matters is that my neighbor took responsibility for the mishap, apologized, and offered to remedy the situation.
但重要的是，我的邻居为这次事故承担了责任，向我道歉，并提出补救措施。
ii.So far, the only mishap the self-driving car has encountered was getting rear-ended at a traffic light.
到目前为止，无人驾驶汽车发生的唯一一次事故是汽车尾部撞上了红绿灯。
c)近义词：accident, calamity, casualty
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