语言教学 | 普渡大学写作教学系列General Writing 33-Conciseness(2)

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Conciseness(2) -- Changing Phrases & Avoid Common Pitfalls

Changing Phrases

1. Change phrases into single-words and adjectives

Using phrases to convey meaning that could be presented in a single word contributes to wordiness. Convert phrases into single words when possible.

Wordy: The employee with ambition... (4 words)

Concise: The ambitious employee... (3 words)

Wordy: The department showing the best performance... (6 words)

Concise: The best-performing department... (4 words)

Wordy: Jeff Converse, our chief of consulting, suggested at our last board meeting the installation of microfilm equipment in the department of data processing. (23 words)

Concise: At our last board meeting, Chief Consultant Jeff Converse suggested that we install microfilm equipment in the data processing department. (20 words)

Wordy: We read the letter we received yesterday and reviewed it thoroughly.

Concise: We thoroughly read the letter we received yesterday.

Wordy: As you carefully read what you have written to improve your wording and catch small errors of spelling, punctuation, and so on, the thing to do before you do anything else is to try to see where a series of words expressing action could replace the ideas found in nouns rather than verbs. (53 words)

Concise: As you edit, first find nominalizations that you can replace with verb phrases. (13 words)

2. Change unnecessary that, who, and which clauses into phrases

Using a clause to convey meaning that could be presented in a phrase or even a word contributes to wordiness. Convert modifying clauses into phrases or single words when possible.

Wordy: The report, which was released recently... (6 words)

Concise: The recently released report... (4 words)

Wordy: All applicants who are interested in the job must... (9 words)

Concise: All job applicants must... (4 words)

Wordy: The system that is most efficient and accurate... (8 words)

Concise: The most efficient and accurate system... (6 words)'

3. Change Passive Verbs into Active Verbs

See our document on active and passive voice for a more thorough explanation of this topic.

Wordy: An account was opened by Mrs. Simms. (7 words)

Concise: Mrs. Simms opened an account. (5 words)

Wordy: Your figures were checked by the research department. (8 words)

Concise: The research department checked your figures. (6 words)

Avoid Common Pitfalls

1. Avoid overusing expletives at the beginning of sentences

Expletives are phrases of the form it + be-verb or there + be-verb. Such expressions can be rhetorically effective for emphasis in some situations, but overuse or unnecessary use of expletive constructions creates wordy prose. Take the following example: "It is imperative that we find a solution." The same meaning could be expressed with this more succinct wording: "We must find a solution." But using the expletive construction allows the writer to emphasize the urgency of the situation by placing the word imperative near the beginning of the sentence, so the version with the expletive may be preferable.

Still, you should generally avoid excessive or unnecessary use of expletives. The most common kind of unnecessary expletive construction involves an expletive followed by a noun and a relative clause beginning with that, which, or who. In most cases, concise sentences can be created by eliminating the expletive opening, making the noun the subject of the sentence, and eliminating the relative pronoun.

Wordy:

It is the governor who signs or vetoes bills.

(9 words)

Concise:

The governor signs or vetoes bills.

(6 words)

Wordy:

There are four rules that should be observed: ...

(8 words)

Concise:

Four rules should be observed:...

(5 words)

Wordy:

There was a big explosion, which shook the windows, and people ran into the street.

(15 words)

Concise:

A big explosion shook the windows, and people ran into the street.

(12 words)

2. Avoid overusing noun forms of verbs

Use verbs when possible rather than noun forms known as nominalizations. Sentences with many nominalizations usually have forms of be as the main verbs. Using the action verbs disguised in nominalizations as the main verbs—instead of forms of be—can help to create engaging rather than dull prose.

Wordy:

The function of this department is the collection of accounts.

(10 words)

Concise:

This department collects accounts.

(4 words)

Wordy:

The current focus of the medical profession is disease prevention.

(10 words)

Concise:

The medical profession currently focuses on disease prevention.

(8 words)

3. Avoid unnecessary infinitive phrases

Some infinitive phrases can be converted into finite verbs or brief noun phrases. Making such changes also often results in the replacement of a be-verb with an action verb.

Wordy:

The duty of a clerk is to check all incoming mail and to record it.

(15 words)

Concise:

A clerk checks and records all incoming mail.

(8 words)

Wordy:

A shortage of tellers at our branch office on Friday and Saturday during rush hours has caused customers to become dissatisfied with service.

(23 words)

Concise:

A teller shortage at our branch office on Friday and Saturday during rush hours has caused customer dissatisfaction.

(18 words)

4. Avoid circumlocutions in favor of direct expressions

Circumlocutions are commonly used roundabout expressions that take several words to say what could be said more succinctly. We often overlook them because many such expressions are habitual figures of speech. In writing, though, they should be avoided since they add extra words without extra meaning. Of course, occasionally you may for rhetorical effect decide to use, say, an expletive construction instead of a more succinct expression. These guidelines should be taken as general recommendations, not absolute rules.

Wordy:

At this/that point in time...

(2/4 words)

Concise:

Now/then...

(1 word)

Wordy:

In accordance with your request...

(5 words)

Concise:

As you requested...

(3 words)

Below are some other words which may simplify lengthier circumlocutions.

• "because," "since," "why" =

• the reason for

• for the reason that

• owing/due to the fact that

• in light of the fact that

• considering the fact that

• on the grounds that

• this is why

• "when" =

• on the occasion of

• in a situation in which

• under circumstances in which

• "about" =

• as regards

• in reference to

• with regard to

• concerning the matter of

• where ________ is concerned

• "must," "should" =

• it is crucial that

• it is necessary that

• there is a need/necessity for

• it is important that

• cannot be avoided

• "can" =

• is able to

• has the opportunity to

• has the capacity for

• has the ability to

• "may," "might," "could" =

• it is possible that

• there is a chance that

• it could happen that

• the possibility exists for

Wordy:

It is possible that nothing will come of these preparations.

(10 words)

Concise:

Nothing may come of these preparations.

(6 words)

Wordy:

She has the ability to influence the outcome.

(8 words)

Concise:

She can influence the outcome.

(5 words)

Wordy:

It is necessary that we take a stand on this pressing issue.

(12 words)

Concise:

We must take a stand on this pressing issue.

(9 words)

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